- Date First Aired: 10/01/1991
- Alternative Name: "The Royal Opening"
It's the official opening day of the leisure centre, and Brittas is rehearsing the royal visit due to take place at that time. Brittas singles out the tights that Tim is wearing, which Tim argues is due to the draft coming in. Brittas notices that the one black staff member of the centre is off sick, meaning that they don't have the most diverse looking crew. Laura suggests a friend of hers named Michael.
As Laura is told to get an electrician, she comes across Helen, who makes up an excuse that her son has suspected concussion and warns Laura that the day will not go well and to get out whilst she still can. Meanwhile, there is a problem with the boiler, not helped by their new boilerman, Barnes, being a Scatterbrained Senior who got shrapnel in Korea and believes he's still fighting the war. Brittas gives the man a shovel to try to resolve the problem.
After annoying an exercise class, Brittas annoys the builders into leaving the centre, a problem since the pool has a crack in it which will lead to flooding. This is not helped by the fact that the building is overheating. The electrician tries to fix the door but Brittas, believing him to be Michael, drives him away for having a slovenly appearance. The overheating gets bad enough that one of the badminton teams comes down with heatstroke. Unfortunately, Brittas attempts to calm them down with a war movie lead to Barnes overhearing the television and going crazier with the heating, contributing to an overflowing boilerroom.
Michael comes in but he ends up electrocuting himself unconscious trying to get himself through the doors. This also leads to the door jamming, leading to the staff being stuck inside the centre. Gavin finds an electrician but it's a boy scout; he tries to fix the doors but he collapses of heatstroke before he is successful. Making matters worse, the Duchess of Kent arrives and Colin, the only staff member outside of the building, greets her with his septic hand. Brittas eventually figures out a way to get the Duchess of Kent in; bringing her through the boilerroom.
She is not going to be pleased about what she finds there...
Tropes featured in this episode:
- Actor Allusion: The accent that Brittas uses when speaking to Barnes takes a strong similarity to the voice that his actor, Chris Barrie, used for Frank Rimmer in the Red Dwarf episode "Timeslides". note
- All There in the Manual: Inverted - the boy scout's name is given as Kevin Schmidt, but he's only credited as "Boy Scout".
- Automatic Door Malfunction: The automated doors leading to the centre begin to malfunction, closing and opening when they shouldn't and at one point trapping the baby carriage containing Carole's son Ben between the doors. It's a bit of a problem as it's meant to be the opening day for the Leisure Centre and it's not helped when Brittas kicks out the person meant to fix it under the belief that he was Laura's friend Michael with a grubby dress sense. Eventually, Michael does show up, gets trapped within the doors, and gets electrocuted trying to reach the opening mechanisms for the door, trapping everyone inside as a result.
- Beware the Nice Ones: When her son is in danger and Brittas starts condescendingly giving her advice to free him from the door, Carole snaps at Brittas and threatens to murder him.
- Brief Accent Imitation: Brittas takes on a more Ace Rimmer-like accent when speaking to Barnes on the phone.
- Chekhov's Gun: Early in the episode Brittas has the fire exits shut to keep out children sneaking in to use the pool. This comes back to bite him later when no one can escape the centre when the main doors get stuck.
- Closest Thing We Got: In lieu of a qualified electrician, Brittas is forced to get a Boy Scout to fix the doors. He would have fixed the doors too if he hadn't fainted at a critical moment.
- Electricity Knocks You Out: Laura is asked to bring her black friend Michael to function as a Token Minority for the Royal Opening of the leisure centre. Unfortunately, he gets trapped in the malfunctioning automated doors of the building and in his attempts to get out, uses a rod against the opening mechanisms of the doors, giving him an electric shock and zapping him unconscious.
- The Faceless: The Duchess of Kent is never shown in a way that makes it easy to see her face.
- Fainting: The scout passes out from the extreme temperatures before he can fix the centre's doors. He's not the only one to faint from the heat as several other members of staff, including Linda, collapse as well.
- Faking Another Person's Illness: Helen lies about her son having a concussion just so that she can get the hell out of the centre before it descends into chaos.
- Fictional Fan, Real Celebrity: Colin is revealed to admire the Duchess of Kent a lot, with her being his favourite celebrity, and he is rather disappointed when Brittas bans him from shaking hands with her. Thankfully, he gets his wish in the end.
- Get Out!: Brittas kicks out two children who sneak in through the fire exit.
- The Ghost: William, the one black member in the leisure centre, on account of him being off sick that day.
- Hysterical Woman:
- Carole goes mental when the baby carrier holding Ben gets stuck between the automatic doors, even threatening to kill Brittas when he condescendingly tries to offer her advice. Brittas reckons its just female hormones.
- Laura screams upon seeing the unconscious Michael and tries to rouse him awake, even giving Brittas a Death Glare when he tries to get her to do something for him.
- Invisible Celebrity Guest: Despite the episode being about how the Duchess of Kent is coming to the Leisure Centre, all that the audience ever sees of her are shots which go to great lengths to hide her face.
- Know-Nothing Know-It-All: When Carole's son Ben's baby carrier gets trapped between some malfunctioning sliding doors with Ben still inside, Brittas decides to help her in the most patronising way possible, leading Carole to threaten to kill him.
- If I Had a Nickel...: Brittas tells Tim that if he had a pound for every time someone promised to meet him, but never showed up, he would be Paul Getty Jr.
- Locked in a Freezer: The staff are trapped inside the centre, which is rapidly overheating and leading to heatstroke.
- Mama Bear: Carole is extremely protective of Ben after his carrier gets stuck between the leisure centre's front doors with him still inside.Carole: DON'T YOU COME NEAR ME OR I'LL KILL YOU!
- Mistaken Identity: Brittas is told that Laura's black friend Michael is coming over to serve as the Token Minority for the royal visit. Unfortunately, the engineer called in to fix the doors is also black, and Brittas ends up believing that this engineer is in fact Michael. This ends with Brittas kicking out the engineer because he doesn't want the Duchess seeing his grubby dress sense and leaving the doors unfixed.
- Nice Job Breaking It, Hero: Brittas gets the staff trapped inside an increasingly heating leisure centre.
- No Ending: The episode ends with the staff still trapped in the leisure centre. Brittas figures out an idea and decides to bring the Duchess of Kent in through the boiler room (which unbeknownst to him is flooded) and... the episode simply ends there.
- No Social Skills: Brittas manages to make an entire exercise class cry when attempting to encourage them.
- One-Shot Character: Boilerman Barnes, Michael, and Patrick the builder.
- Say My Name: Upon seeing Michael unconscious, Laura screams out his name as she tries to wake him up.
- Scatterbrained Senior: Boilerman Barnes still believes he's in the Navy, and won't stop stoking the centre's boiler, even when the boiler room starts flooding.
- Second Episode Introduction: Although alluded to in the first episode, this episode marks the debut of Ben Parkinson, Carole's child, who ends up driving the plots of some future episodes.
- Shoo the Dog: Helen tries to do this to Laura, telling her to get out while she still can. She's unsuccessful.
- Shout-Out: "The Loco-Motion" by Kylie Minogue plays when Brittas and Angie walk through the centre.
- State Visit: A variant. This episode has the Duchess of Kent come to the centre. Colin eventually shakes her hand when she does arrive there.
- Suddenly Shouting: After freeing Ben from the automatic doors with Brittas' condescending advice, Carole threatens to kill him.
- Tempting Fate: The punchline of the episode is Brittas deciding to ask Colin to bring the Duchess of Kent into the centre through the boilerroom. Unbeknownst to Brittas, the boilerroom is flooded and Her Majesty is not going to be happy about it...Mr. Brittas: I've got it, I've got it! Quick, into line Lin! Into line, into line Gavin! All into line, into line everyone! (Beat) Colin, bring Her Majesty through the boilerroom...
- Token Minority: The major reason that Brittas gets Michael in is that the one black member of the staff is off sick and he wants the line-up to look a bit more diverse.
