Recap / Plague and Treachery on the Oregon Trail

Businessman Cyrus Neckebard decides to travel to Oregon with his family; beautiful wife Susan, extremely hydrophobic daughter Sarah Jane, unusually dark-skinned son Waffles - referred to as such due to a past event known as the "Waffle Incident" - and mutated infant Baby. They set off from Independence, Missouri on July 4th, owing to Cyrus's patriotism, but tensions quickly arise due to Sarah Jane having a screaming fit every time she so much as sees a river, and Cyrus discovering that with the exception of Baby, all his children are from extramarital affairs, with Susan currently pregnant with another man's child. Upon reaching Fort Kearney, Cyrus drinks himself into insensibility to try and get over the stress of the journey so far, only to turn out to be allergic to alcohol.

With Cyrus out of action, Waffles takes control of the wagon, but the family are beset by issues, the most notable being Baby suffering a major dysentry attack. Waffles later brings a pregnant snake onto the wagon, where it gives birth to dozens of offspring before biting Waffles, with Baby having another outburst of dysentry after being bitten by one of the newborn snakes. Cyrus recovers and retakes control of the wagon at Chimney Rock, where Susan, now suffering from fever, miscarries her baby. Under the effects of pain medication given to her by a doctor, she steals a sackful of cocaine from him, briefly ensuring the Neckebards have a smooth journey, but they soon fall back into their old ways when they exhaust their supply. When Cyrus discovers that Susan has been sleeping around extensively both before and during the journey, he furiously throws her out of the wagon, but has a change of heart and returns for her, with the couple more or less reconciling.

Shortly after the Neckebards pass Independence Rock, Waffles contracts typhoid. Susan, fearing that he might die, insists that Cyrus drive the wagon to Fort Bridger so that Waffles can meet his blood father, who she claims is stationed there. Upon reaching the fort, Cyrus discovers that Waffles's father is a musclebound white man named Sterling - with Waffles's skin color the result of a rare skin condition - and that he and Susan are British spies seeking to reclaim America for the British Empire, with Waffles and the journey to Oregon a part of their plan. Moments after this revelation, American soldiers attack and kill Sterling, forcing the Neckebards to flee the fort, though not before Susan manages to kill eight of the soldiers. The family returns to the trail, now being continually pursued by the American army. Baby dies during this time, owing to a combination of typhoid and depression from being unloved by the rest of the family. Cyrus becomes despondent, believing himself to be the last of his family bloodline, but Susan reveals that she had another son with him, who lives back in Independence.

Despite the odds, the Neckebards make it to Snake River, and convince the native Shoshoni tribe to ferry them across. The Shoshoni betray the family and tip the wagon over as it floats across the river, intending to rob it of its goods. The trauma of falling into the river causes Sarah Jane to recall that Susan once tried to drown her when she was an infant, an incident responsible for causing her hydrophobia, and she attempts to drown her in revenge. All the Neckebards survive however, and Susan and Sarah Jane reconcile. The Shoshoni, feeling guilty for the drama they caused, return the wagon to the family, who travel on.

As the wagon approaches Fort Walla Walla, it is attacked by soldiers from the fort while Cyrus is off hunting, with Waffles getting a mortal wound. Before dying, he reveals that Matt, the mentally deficient general store owner in Independence, was the true culprit in the Waffle Incident. Susan vows to take the wagon and burn Fort Walla Walla to the ground, with Cyrus reluctantly accompanying her. During the trip, he deduces that Waffles was supposed to make it to Fort Walla Walla as part of Susan and Sterling's mission.

Once close to the entrance of the fort, Susan provokes an altercation between groups of white settlers and Native Americans camped nearby, drawing the fort's soldiers outside and starting a battle between them and the natives. Instructing Cyrus to drive the oxen through Fort Walla Walla once she gives him a signal, she takes advantage of the distraction to infiltrate the fort, where she finds her bosses observing the carnage going on outside. Introducing herself by executing one of the men with a rifle, she claims that the men from the fort who attacked the wagon weren't Americans, and that Waffles was deliberately targeted in the attack. As the men try to smooth things over with her, it transpires that Susan once had an affair with Zachary Taylor - the president-elect of America during the time of the game - thanks to their machinations, and that she and Sterling had been tasked with transporting Waffles to the fort, in order to pass him off as Taylor's illegitimate son and use him as blackmail material to force America into a civil war that would drastically weaken it. Harker - one of Susan's superiors - claims that Susan's actions at Fort Bridger compromised the mission by drawing the focus of the American army onto her and Waffles, but Susan doesn't buy it, and fatally shoots another of the men. An American among the group of men then speaks up, causing Susan to realize her bosses were bought out by the Americans, and Sterling and Waffles were killed due to there consequently being no more need for their mission. The American offers Susan the money he had intended to give the two men she just killed, but Susan refuses and massacres the men in the room.

With Waffles avenged, Susan uses dynamite taken from his killers to blow up part of the now burning Fort Walla Walla. Cyrus correctly interprets this to be her signal, and rides the wagon into the fort, where Susan attempts to climb onto it. Before she can do so though, Harker - who had survived her earlier attack - ambushes and stabs her with a bowie knife before getting run over by one of the wagon's wheels. The Neckebards nevertheless manage to escape - leaving Fort Walla Walla smoking ruin - but Susan becomes ill from poison that Harker's blade had been coated in, later catching a fever. She passes away eight days later, but not before revealing to Cyrus - whom she had originally married to use as a patsy before genuinely falling in love with him - that Matt is his son^* This is somewhat less touching than it might appear, since Susan also claimed that Matt was one of her sexual partners earlier.

The morning after Susan's death, British soldiers attack and set fire to the wagon, seeing the surviving Neckebards as a loose end to be dealt with. With everything that's happened to him, Cyrus goes into a mad rage and attacks the soldiers, killing two of them before a third manages to shoot him in the leg, with a fourth choosing to flee the scene. The remaining soldier ends up brawling with Cyrus, and manages to gain the upper hand before being shot from behind by Sarah Jane, the only other surviving member of the Neckebard family at this point. Cyrus is left temporarily blinded following the fight however, and with the soldier who fled no doubt gathering further reinforcements, Sarah Jane is forced to start driving the wagon on towards Oregon before her father can recover, in the hope the pair can disappear and make new lives for themselves there. They make it to the Dalles, and attempt to get the wagon down the Columbia River, but a crash causes Sarah Jane to get knocked overboard and drown, with one of the two oxen also perishing.

Cyrus meanwhile survives, but finds himself unable to go back to a normal, mundane life after everything he's been through, and after retrieving a discarded rifle and some rounds, he and the surviving ox head off to have further adventures.