Recap / One Thousand Ways To Die Season 3

2010

Episode 25: Death on a Stick

#354: Blood Bath & Beyond

A pervy building manager drills holes in his apartment in order to spy on all the beautiful female tenants. In particular, he drills a bunch of holes in the ceiling of the apartment above him so he can spy on a female tenant as she's about to take a bath. The excessive holes in the ceiling, along with rot from water damage, cause the bathtub to come crashing down on the Peeping Tom's head, splitting his entire head open and splattering his brains all over the floor. The woman in the bathtub is okay, but is understandably horrified.

Dave was a creep, who liked to peep. He thought he was clever - until his fat head was crushed and his brains went splatter and his lights went out - forever.

#418: Easy Slider

A couple goes pool hopping in a neighbor's new pool while he's on vacation. After dodging electric wires near the water, the man nearly shoots his girlfriend with a nail gun.^note Instead, he knocks the beer can out of her hand. When the man slides on a makeshift Slip'N Slide, he dies when his stomach is ripped open via a long nail that is in the middle of the plywood, much to the woman's horror.

As the sun sets on another unfortunate death, let's offer a heartfelt goodbye to our latest dumbass... happy entrails, Dennis!

#337: Mine Over Splatter

Three former Viet Cong with severe PTSD as a result of the horrors of the Vietnam War now spend their days playing Russian Roulette and arguing over what is the best aphrodisiac. All of them survive the game and stomp on the ground in jubilation, which sets off a landmine that had been buried in the ground since the days of the war and blows them all to meaty bits.

For some soldiers, the war is never over. For these guys, they should've quit while they were ahead... and an arm... and a leg... you get the picture.

#261: Gum's the Word

A skeevy male nurse who seduces old women and swindles them out of their money rushes to the bathroom for breath fresheners after getting kissed by an old woman who has bad breath from wearing dentures. The male nurse mistakes denture whitening tabs for breath mints and gags, but his fate is sealed when he drinks some water, which also has denture cleaner in it, and his entire GI tract and red blood cell supply is destroyed.

Raul was a fake, who lied to get what he wanted. In the end, you can say he died of... truth decay.

#378: Bird Brained

A conservative girl turns into a Hard-Drinking Party Girl when one of her friends gives her Absinthe.^note Which, according to urban legend, will snap your brain in half and was for a time considered illegal. She sticks her head out of the limo's sunroof to hoot and holler, only to get a pigeon lodged in her windpipe.

If we could offer some postmortem advice to Denise, it would be this: next time someone offers you absinthe, keep your mouth shut!

#919: Inquisi-Torn

A priest invents a new way of executing heretics for the Spanish Inquisition: the Spanish Donkey ^note A large triangular piece of wood upon which the condemned sits on a corner with weights on their legs, potentially ripping them in two, only to be deemed a heretic himself and executed with his own invention.

Was Father Gomez actually guilty of anything? The court ruling was... a split decision.

#87: Boys 2 Dead

A washed-up one-hit wonder Boy Band from the 1990s performs for a less-than-enthusiastic audience at a bar. The egotistical lead singer suddenly has a flashback of how famous he used to be and tries to dive into the crowd but misses and breaks his back when he hits the floor. His band continues performing.

While Tim lay there paralyzed, his lungs stopped breathing, his heart stopped beating, and his brain just... stopped. In other words, Tim was dead... 4EVER.

Episode 26: Putting a Smiley Face on Death

#400: Fat-Ality

A lazy, overweight man wants to be as cut and ripped as a professional bodybuilder, but he is too lazy to exercise and eat right and doesn't have the money for professional plastic surgery, so he talks his Extreme Doormat friend into performing amateur liposuction with a shop vac, some freeze spray, and some painkillers. It turns out as well as you'd expect, as the vacuum accidentally reaches his intestines and sucks them out, killing him from blood loss and shock.

It's not hard to figure out liposuction in your own garage is not a good idea. Dave didn't have a lot of brains, but he sure had a lot of guts!

#608: Catch and Decease

A slave driver bullies some Brazilian locals into helping him find gold in the Amazon while he goes swimming. During his swim, he urinates and gets a candiru stuck in his penis. He forcibly pulls the fish out, causing him to shred his penis and bleed from his urethra and attracting a school of hungry piranhas that eat him alive.

Jeff came looking for gold, but a little fish swam up his pole. The yellow water turned bloody red... and before you knew it... Jeff... he dead.

Tropes

• From Bad to Worse: As the narrator puts it when a school of piranhas approach Jeff, who's bleeding from his penis:
  Narrator: You know you're having a bad day when a shredded penis is not the worst thing that happens to you.

#278: Gas Holed

A proctologist with a booty fetish operates on a stripper who injured her rectum during a porno film shoot. Unfortunately, the doctor didn't tell her to fast for 12 hours and the stripper has a chili dog before the operation. Her flatulence ignites on the doctor's cauterizer, creating a fireball that incinerates his lungs.

When it comes to proctologists, Dr. Butera thought he was the bomb, until his patient exploded one... in his face.

#869: Back Stabbed

When his brother, a Viking king, goes off marauding, a young Viking rapes his brother's wife after she horns in on his drinking and general debauchery. Several months later, the king returns in time to catch his brother in bed, still having his way with the queen. After entering a berserker rage upon this discovery, the king sentences his brother to death via the "blood eagle", stabbing him along the back, prying his ribs away from the spine, and ripping out his lungs from the inside, causing the Viking rapist to suffocate.

Blood's thicker than water, but Mort screwed up. Got your back... bro.

#617: USSR-Dead

A Ukrainian immigrant hooks up with the Russian mob. After bumping off three men who went against the mob, the immigrant's fingertips are burned off with sulfuric acid so he can't be identified by the cops. To celebrate his joining, the mobsters order a round of drinks. Unfortunately for them, the senile barkeep couldn't tell the difference between the vodka and the acid used to burn the immigrant's fingerprints, and all three of them die from internal damage after drinking the acid.

How about one last toast for our fallen comrade? Up yours, scum-ski.

#55: Cardiac A-Breast

A horny woman shows off her brand-spanking new metal-lined bra at a party in the hopes of getting a date. Not a good idea when there's a lightning storm in the area...

Cindy's slutty outfit was a big hit. Every guy wanted her, but then... she bolted.

#303: Road Killed

A hippie accidentally hits a raccoon while on her way to a hemp convention and tries to revive it with mouth-to-mouth despite being already dead. As she's trying to revive the animal, a truck runs her down and decapitates her.

Morning Glory lost her head, but it was never screwed on too tight anyway.

Episode 27: Stupid is as Stupid Dies

#444: Jaw Boned

A once-promising chemist turned meth addict/dealer working on making some new meth takes to dipping an old piece of gum in citric acid to keep it fresh. He avoids drinking hydrogen peroxide due to spitting it out just in time, but accidentally dips the gum in red phosphorus (used in meth and fireworks), resulting in his jaw being blown off. He dies from exsanguination and his brain getting slammed into his skull from the blast.

This time, it looks like Jimmy bit off more than he could chew.

#412: Hair Today, Dead Tomorrow

A hippie painter dies of digestive problems. An autopsy reveals she had a massive hairball in her stomach as a result of her compulsive need to chew on her own hair (trichophagia).

Joan wanted to change the world; she should've changed her eating habits.

#620: Mudder-Sucked

An Alpha Bitch sorority pledge master and military brat bullies her pledges while prepping for a mud wrestling match. When one of the pledges knocks the alpha bitch into the pit, the two get into a fight until the pledge is dragged out after nearly drowning. The alpha bitch gloats over her victory, but soon sinks into the mud pit and dies from suffocation. Turns out the mud pit was built on top of an underground cave ceiling that collapsed and turned into a sinkhole.

Harriet enjoyed making her pledges' lives a living Hell, until Hell decided to swallow her whole.

#223: Offed The Hook

Bait-and-Switch at its finest. A survivalist with a meat hook and a shotgun dies from tripping in a ditch and impaling his throat on his hook, not from a gun accident (since he's actually skilled at shooting), electrocuting himself while trying to steal electricity for his TV, or from hanging himself while trying to hoist an elk carcass.

There's a lot of ways to die out in the wilderness. Hal found a new one: hook-in-mouth disease.

#672: Erecto-Phobia

A cheating man develops wood that just won't quit. He dies of a heart attack while getting it on with other women. Turns out, priapism is a side effect from the venom of the Brazilian wandering spider, which was found in some bananas he bought from the grocery store from one of the three women he was dating simultaneously.

Pete was a cheat, who thought it was neat, to bang three girls in one day. Along came a spider, and while he was inside her, a heart attack blew Peter away.

#299: Fansicle

A hardcore football fan goes to a football game in freezing weather dressed in only shorts and body paint. He succumbs to hypothermia, with no one being able to help since (a) he was a drunken jerkass fan that alienated others, and (b) the blue from his body paint covered up the fact that his actual skin was turning blue.

There's nothing wrong with rooting for the home team. But when fan turns to fanatic, that's when the trouble begins. George went from super, to stupor, to stiff. Now he's dead, now he's dead, reeaaal dead!

Tropes

• Too Dumb to Live: Going to a football game in freezing weather in only shorts and body paint definitely qualifies.

#517: Tongue Tied

Two pierced teens try a stunt that calls for them to make out in moving cars. Their tongues get caught on each other's piercings, and the two are beheaded by a passing forklift.

The two drivers should've slowed their cars down at the same time, but they didn't use their heads. So instead, Mike and Jade lost theirs. Kids these days do some pretty dumb things; these two could've used a simple... heads-up.

Episode 28: Dead Wrongs

#179: Pam Caked!

An Alpha Bitch cheerleader captain, jealous that a new recruit is becoming more popular than her, botches a human pyramid to hurt her. The new recruit survives, but the captain doesn't when she steps in front of the banner the football team is supposed to run through and ends up taking on the entire team (and not in a sexual way — they trampled her like the bulls of Pamplona do to slow Spanish runners).

Pamela was as mean as her skirt was pleated. She lost all her cheer, and then she got... cleated.

#124: Bibli-Killed

Two conmen posing as preachers get it on with the Farmer's Daughter. When her grandmother sees one of the preachers coming out of the barn, she goes after them with a shotgun in hand and chases the duo into a grain silo. One conman tries to use a lighter to see if the coast is clear, only to set off a dust explosion that chars them to the bone.

Here's one for all you Bible students out there: "All come from dust, and to dust all return." Caleb and Jacob lied... and got burned.

#779: Eel Effects

After enduring a sushi chef teacher's abuse at a prestigious culinary school, two of his pupils, as a prank, put an eel in his pants when he passes out after drinking sake. This revenge plan goes a little too well though, as the eel finds its way into the teacher's rectum and eats it out, leaving the man to die from internal bleeding.

Tanaka ran his sushi school with an iron fist. But then, he got eel and never woke up. Domo arigato.^Translation Thank you very much.

#207: Glow Job

A drug dealer samples his own stash at a rave and, while high on ecstasy, tries injecting glow stick liquid into his veins. Not his best play: glow stick liquid contains phenol, which shuts down the nervous system and causes kidney failure.

Rush preyed on innocent kids who just wanted to party. But when he tried to join in, he wound up... x'd out.

#557: D-Parted

A horny divorcée hits on some construction workers and asks one of them to put some sun lotion on her back. One of the workers gets Distracted by the Sexy and loses control of his concrete saw, causing the blade to fly off and cut her in two, spilling her guts all over the floor.

Jolene thought she could lure a hunk in her bunk. But in the end, she just couldn't... keep it... together.

#746: Pornicated

A middle-aged man's porn addiction costs him his marriage and his life when he goes days without eating or drinking and becomes so disoriented that he can't find his way out of his crowded attic (which is packed with boxes upon boxes of X-rated magazines and videotapes). He ends up buried by said boxes and, overwhelmed by severe dehydration and extreme starvation, dies of cardiac arrhythmia.

Jonathan should've tossed all of his smut in the dumpster, but instead, he wound up in a grave of his own making.

#156: Hard Balled

A Jerk Jock lacrosse player bullies some nerds and band geeks by hurling lacrosse balls at them, but soon gets distracted when the hottest girl in school walks by and the ball he launched at his victims hits him in the chest, shattering his ribs and causing cardiac arrest as the ball hit him in just the right time and spot to knock his regular heartbeat out of rhythm.

Narrator: Some words of advice for a very dead Brooke: Bully for you. What was the word you used?
Brooke: Douchebag!
Narrator: Exactly.

Episode 29: Fatal Distractions

#507: Golden Die-Angle

A machete-happy guard who works for a drug lord (and also decapitates intruders) in the Golden Triangle (the area between Laos, Burma/Myanmar, and Thailand, infamous for its opium-based drug trade) gives chase after a bunch of wannabe drug dealers try to steal the poppies he uses to make opium. He pursues them on an ATV, but dies from one of his own anti-escape traps, a barbed wire that cuts off his head, just like he had done to his previous victims.

The drug trade was a dangerous and risky business. Ting flipped his death coin in the air, and when it came down, it read... heads, you lose.

#243: Clay Achin'

Two stoners enlist the help of a friend to help bake a homemade clay bong in a kiln. When they check in on it and find that the kiln went out, one of them tries to re-ignite it with a match. With the propane gas inside the kiln, it blows up and turns the bong into deadly shrapnel that carve the stoners' bodies to ribbons.

The Claymaker 420 could've made Joe and Charlie a bundle. Instead, it cost them... their lives.

Tropes

• Too Dumb to Live: Throwing a lit match into a kiln full of propane? NOT the best move, as Joe and Charlie find out the hard way. Their friend even lampshades their stupidity at the end of the sketch by saying, "Bummer".

#159: Death of Sum Young Guy

An unabashed glutton raids an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. He survives choking to death on some food thanks to the owner. However, he later succumbs to MSG poisoning.

A funny thing about Mike's Chinese food-related heart attack: an hour later, he wanted to die again!

#239: Crib Your Enthusiasm

A man who gets his kicks by being treated like a baby (infantilism) builds a nursery with a life-sized drop-gate crib. During one session, he throws a fake tantrum when his wife leaves to take a break. When trying to pick-up his teddy bear, the man shakes his man-sized crib causing the sliding gate to come down and break his neck.

Barnaby got his kicks by being treated like a baby; but then his fun was cut short by S.I.D.S.: Sudden Infantile Dumbass Syndrome. Nighty-night, you twisted little freak.

#929: Turtle Waxed

A couple of Asian poachers find a rare turtle, but an eagle snatches it up. The eagle later drops the turtle to break its shell to feast on it, causing it to fall on the husband's skull and crack his skull open. Miraculously, the turtle survives the fall and walks away.

Mr. Chow made a nice living by ripping off Mother Nature. She returned the favor, and made a nice death out of him.

#282: Potty Mouth

An executive of a failing savings and loan begins suffering from stress-related geophagia (compulsively eating dirt) and partakes in her hippie neighbor's compost pile. Unbeknownst to her, it has his feces in it, which gives her E. coli, meaning the woman literally eats shit and dies.

Sheila ate dirt like there was no tomorrow. After chowing down on Marty’s soiled soil, there wasn’t any.

#342: Die-Brator

A misandristic, sociopathic Straw Feminist and leader of a borderline terrorist women's rights group (notorious for its numerous hate crimes involving raping several innocent men for no reason) receives a vibrator from her lesbian lover after returning from a seminar, only to learn too late that it's a taser that looks like a vibrator, putting her misandristic crusade to a well-deserved end.

Freda formed the COWs because she wanted to wage war on men. Men, you can breathe easier now that Freda... can't.

Episode 30: The End is Weird

#723: Bot-ily Harm

A basement-dwelling, robot-obsessed nerd builds a killbot with his mother's Roomba, a microprocessor, some edger blades, and motion sensors. When he bends over to pick up a screw, the killbot activates and slices off his fingers, then slashes his legs and finally, when he falls on the ground, cuts deeply into his abdomen, causing him to bleed out.

Instead of giving his robot a brain... he should've put his own to better use.

Tropes

• Gadgeteer Genius: Alex, whom the narrator describes as "an electronics wiz-kid who could've gone to any top college in the country", but instead chooses to make robots to destroy things and torment his mother with.

#121: Hertz So Good

A couple of exhibitionists have sex on a defective transformer. The man's Prince Albert piercing touches the transformer and shocks him to death. His girlfriend is spared since her feet weren't on the ground and the worst she got was a mild tingle from the electric shock.

A wise man once said, "He who makes love to girl with pierced penis on top of electric transformer is in for a big shock." Word up, wise man.

#14: Harry He-Done-Y

Famed magician and escape artist Harry Houdini claimed himself to be invincible. When a fan decides to test it out with Houdini's approval, he delivers a good punch to his abdomen. Bad idea, since Harry had appendicitis and the blow caused his appendix to burst and him to die mid-function.

Houdini should’ve known: you can escape from just about anything except your own fate.

Tropes

• No Celebrities Were Harmed: Averted, as this segment depicts the actual death of Harry Houdini.

#323: Vom-Ate-Dead

A woman with emetophilia (sexual desire for vomit) goes to a hot dog eating contest to seduce a contestant modeled after Takeru Kobayashi. She ambushes him after the contest and forces him to puke into her mouth, inadvertently causing her to choke to death on his hot dog chunks.

Narrator: Suki was a grade A...
Ex-Boyfriend: Freak!
Narrator: But of all the deaths we've covered on 1000 Ways to Die, this one... was the hardest to swallow.

#506: Die-Drant

A morbidly-obese and idiotic prankster (who, despite being raised right in a loving, caring family with no severe physical, social, or mental disorders, still turned out to be an immature asshole) uses a mirror to blind a driver, causing him to hit a fire hydrant, which flies through the air and smashes open his skull, his blood and brains splattering all over the place.

Sometimes when people are as big a jerk as Benny, you don’t have to wish them harm; they’ll just take care of it themselves.

#284: Hang Dunked

In the 1980s, a bullying basketball player pulls off a slam dunk and hangs from the rim for a moment, putting his head through the hoop to rub it in. He inadvertently hangs himself on the rim by his chunky, hip-hop necklace.

Rodney was a bully in the court who couldn’t jump worth a damn. But at least in the end, he got some great hang time.

#873: Bad Max

In this "what if" tale, a loud, violent, sexist, anti-Semitic actor yells at his girlfriend (who is recording his rants so she can prove to her friends that he is verbally abusive to her) and tries to force her to give him head in his Jacuzzi. He accidentally sits on the suction pump and has all of his internal organs sucked out of his anus.

This story is based on a real death, it just didn't happen to this guy we called Max. If he was real, and ready to learn from his mistakes, here's what we'd tell him. There's no rule that says Hollywood stars have to become jerks, but if they do, be forewarned: we love to see their careers go down the drain.

Tropes

• Based on a True Story: This death actually happened to a young girl, but for legal and ethical reasons, the victim was changed to a Hate Sink adult man.
• No Celebrities Were Harmed: Max totally isn't Mel Gibson.

Episode 31: Hurry Up and Die

#957: Drunk Die-er

After being released from prison for vehicular manslaughter, a Drunk Driver gets in a wreck and is pronounced dead on the scene. Thing is, he's not dead, but no one knows as they take his organs since he's an organ donor, and he is forced to remain conscious as each one of his organs are removed from him one by one until they remove his heart, finally causing his death.

Brian used to drive around dead-drunk. Now he's just another... dead drunk.

#523: Jersey Gore

An obnoxious Jersey resident works on his car while listening to loud Death Metal music. He doesn't die from smoking near gasoline or getting strangled by his necklace getting caught in the fan belt of his car, but he does eat it when he slides out from under the car just in time to have his body ravaged by a street sweeper.

Nicky was one crude rude dude. It was high time fate stepped in and gave him... the brush-off.

Tropes

• No Celebrities Were Harmed: Nicky "The Predicament" so totally isn't Michael "The Situation".

#132: Cast Offed

A drunk Southerner breaks his arm on a wood splitter and, unwilling to part with his "hard-earned" welfare money with a hospital visit, makes his own cast. A month later, he invites his illegitimate daughter over to help him use a table saw to get the homemade cast off, despite her protests. He miraculously doesn't get cut, but he dies of cardiac arrest because he didn't set his broken bone in place and made his cast too tight, which caused fat globules from his bone marrow to get into his bloodstream and clog his heart.

The only thing to say about Cooter: he was a worthless, mean-spirited drunk. Y'all don't come back now, you hear?

Tropes

• Instantly Proven Wrong: After Cooter successfully gets his cast off, he says to Tammy, "See that? I told you I was fine!" A moment later, he drops dead.
• Kick the Dog: The drunken Cooter's all too willing to shoot a dog that wanders onto his property.
• Lower-Class Lout: Cooter is described by the narrartor as trailer trash who spends most of his time getting drunk and shooting things.
• Worst Aid: Cooter's attempt to treat his broken arm on his own by making his own cast fatally backfires because it was too tight and he failed to set the bone properly. This leads to his heart stopping when he finally takes the cast off.

#412: Lesboned

A bisexual real estate agent and a prospective female buyer get it on in the laundry room. Their bumping and grinding knock a gas pipe loose, causing the room to fill with natural gas and ignite when the water heater turns on.

Real estate is a tricky business. One minute, the prices are going down. And the next thing you know, they’re sky-high.

#596: Tapped Out

Two idiotic backyard wrestlers go at each other with fluorescent light bulbs and a weed whacker, but the man whose chest was torn open by the weed whacker survives. So who dies? The one who was hit with fluorescent light bulbs. You see, fluorescent light bulbs have mercury in them, and when they break, mercury vapor gets released in the air and the victim breathed it in. To add injury to insult, the man who died of mercury poisoning also had glass and mercury seep into his skin from the open sores he got from stapler wounds.

Stinkface and Dirtbomb were talentless, clueless, and now one of them... is lifeless.

#284: Mail Order Fried

An obnoxious mailman takes up a second job as a dunk tank target, goading customers on with insults he came up with by reading the townspeople's mail. Repeated misses cause a fuse box for the water heater to have a wire fall in the water, so when a professional baseball player who just came from a two-year stint in Japan finally hits the target, the mailman falls into the electrified water and is shocked to death.

Mel was a mean and nasty mailman. If he was able to read the last letter sent by the staff of 1,000 Ways to Die, he’d be shocked. "Dear Mel, you’re dead!"

#330: Fecal Attraction

A drug-addicted rock star freaks out when he finds himself out of drugs and in Provo, Utah (which is a dry town because of its Mormon population). His roadie turns him on to experimenting with jenkem (fumes created from fermented crap). When he finds himself unable to poop, the rock star gets high in a port-a-potty, but suffers a brownout and falls unconscious, dying from a lack of oxygen in the toilet from all the fumes from its contents.

The moral to the story: never get high off your own supply.

Tropes

• No Celebrities Were Harmed: Cedric so totally absolutely isn't Keith Richards.

Episode 32: Death Puts on a Dunce Cap

#959: Tenta-killed

An overprotective, racist, traditionalist South-Korean dad tries to chase off his daughter's Korean-American suitor by making him eat all sorts of gross native Korean dishes, including a live octopus, which the dad eats and suffocates on after the octopus latches onto his windpipe.

Kim was set in his ways, and didn’t think anyone was worthy of his daughter. But that kind of thinking, it’ll kill you.

#268: Orspasm

A woman suffering from persistent genital arousal disorder^note Which is not as fun as it sounds. It's pretty much The Immodest Orgasm if it were a serious medical condition. accidentally knocks her boyfriend, who likes to trigger her orgasms for sadistic fun, down a flight of stairs after he sets off another orgasm with a back massager, crushing his neck.

Lucy's constant orgasms made it hard to find a mate. When it came to Seth, it was easy come... easy go.

Tropes

• Accidental Murder: Lucy unintentionally knocks Seth down the stairs after he triggers another orgasm with a back massager, killing him.
• Asshole Victim: Seth was a sleazy little creep who constantly made Lucy orgasm whenever he pleased, despite knowing the discomfort it put her through.
• The Immodest Orgasm: Deconstructed with Lucy, as even the slightest vibration causes her to suffer one of these, and Dr. Ava Cadell mentions that women with persistent genital arousal disorder may carry ice packs with them to relieve their aching clitoris.
• Present-Day Past: Though the story is set in 1993, Lucy and Seth both own iPhones, the first of which weren't released until 2007.
• What Does She See in Him?: Seth intentionally made Lucy orgasm for his own sadistic, perverted pleasure despite knowing the pain it put her through, and he ends up dying when he pokes Lucy with a massager while on the stairs, causing her to accidentally knock him down, breaking his bones and neck. The narrator says Lucy scared off all her other boyfriends with her condition, but surely it couldn't have been worth putting up with this asswipe.

#61: Furdered

A survivalist hunter manages to avoid dying by his own traps (a spike pit and a bear trap), but is shot dead by another hunter who mistakes him for wild game due to his animal pelts.

Henry didn’t belong in the modern world. His cause of death: wardrobe malfunction.

#398: Vuvu...Whatever, He's Dead

Remember the vuvuzela, that obnoxiously loud plastic horn from soccer games that was a thing in America for a while? One crazed superfan blew so hard and so long into one, he gave himself a fatal aneurysm.

If you are ever unlucky enough to find yourself sitting down next to an idiot like Jose, just tell him to go blow it out his vuvuzela. GOAL!

#930: Injecti-cide

A former beauty queen invites her gay best friend (whose lover is a plastic surgeon) to implement some Botox injections. When she discovers that she doesn't have any money for it, she tries to rejuvenate her fading looks with corn oil injections. The oil bloats her entire face and causes her to bleed from her eyes and mouth while the oil's particles clog and destroy her heart and lungs.

In her desperate attempt to regain lost beauty, Sidra discovered the new price of oil, death.

#220: Scratch 'n' Snuffed

A politician drops dead after he's voted out of office on the same day his mistress from Brazil sells her story to the press about their affair and the politician's wife finds out and leaves him. Turns out, during one of his trips to see his mistress, he got stung by the native kissing bug and he wiped the feces into the bite, which gave him Chagas disease, which finally killed him ten years later from heart failure.

Carson Harold was a corrupt politician who enjoyed the perks and porks of his position. He was living large on the taxpayer's dime, until a tiny bug popped his bubble, and turned him into the leading candidate... for death.

Tropes

• Trauma Conga Line: First Carson's voted out of office, then his Brazilian mistress sells the story of their affair to the press, then his wife finds out and leaves him alone and broke, and finally Carson drops dead of Chagas disease. The narrator even lampshades this, remarking "Now, that's a bad day."

#503: Implo-dead

Two murderous crackheads hide out in an abandoned building and fight with each other over who smoked the last crack rock, unaware that the building is about to be demolished.^note The security guard who was doing a check for squatters couldn't find them because the crackheads kept quiet when the guard did his rounds. Just as they find another crack rock and light up, the two get crushed by thousands of pounds of falling rubble.

Darnel and Anita were hardened criminals who loved crack. Too bad, because this time their habit didn't just kill... it crushed.

Tropes

• Asshole Victim: Murdering and robbing people to support their drug habit makes Darnell and Anita way less deserving of any sympathy when they die.
• Dirty Coward: Darnell and Anita immediately blow out their candles and don't make a sound when they hear a construction worker calling out in the abandoned building for anyone inside.
• Dramatic Irony: "But this time, they were about to experience more of a rush than they ever imagined."
• Drugs Are Bad: Darnell and Anita hide out in a decrepit building as they're wanted for a string of murders they committed to support their drug addiction.
• Failed a Spot Check: Darnell and Anita had no idea that the building they were hiding out in was condemned to be destroyed with powerful explosives.
• Hearing Voices: Another side effect of their prolonged drug abuse is hearing things that aren't there. Darnell complains "I hear it calling me!".
• No, You: Darnell and Anita both deny smoking all the crack and point the finger at each other when their crack goes missing.
• Improperly Paranoid: Darnell gets insanely paranoid about his missing drugs and hearing voices. Only this time, the voice they were hearing for real was a construction worker looking to evict anyone out of the building set for demolition.
• Pyrrhic Victory: Darnell and Anita decide to celebrate after successfully evading detection from the authorities in the building by smoking some more crack but they get crushed to death by the rubble before they could do so.
• Scary Teeth: Darnell and Anita both sport some horrendous looking teeth in their mouth from smoking crack. As evidenced when they smile.

Episode 33: Young, Dumb, and Full of Death

#396: Onesie & Donesie

A clumsy, accident-prone home-shopping network salesman survives a ladder falling out from under him and getting a broken samurai sword in the chest, only for a onesie he wears to catch fire on an aromatherapy candle and burn him alive. The stagehand tried to save him, but the fire extinguisher was faulty.

Chet was a nice enough guy, but he was his own worst enemy. In the end, the only thing Chet had to fear... was fear himself.

Tropes

• Born Unlucky: Besides being klutzy, the injuries we see Chet suffer are due to downright horrible luck, from a ladder falling out from under him while he attempts to climb over it, to a samurai sword's blade breaking off and embedding itself in his chest when he tries to demonstrate its durability, and finally dying from the onesie he's wearing catching fire from aromatherapy candles, and the water extinguisher the stagehand attempts to save him with malfunctions.

#203: Hillary Snuffed

A deluded, D-list celebrity (whose only claim to fame was that she was voted off a canceled reality show) goes to a coke party with people who suck up to her and believe it when she says she's famous. When a partygoer takes a picture of her snorting cocaine, the celebrity calls in her bodyguard who punches the would-be paparazzo. The celebrity dies when the would-be paparazzo falls on her, causing her platinum cocaine straw to go up her nose and stab her in the brain.

Someone once said, "fame is fleeting, but stupidity eternal." Enough said.

#704: Cruci-Fried

A fake faith healer cuts the ground off of a three-pronged plug for his mic to get rid of an annoying buzzing sound. Turns out, that ground had a purpose... which he discovers when he steps in a water-filled baptismal pool and grabs the ungrounded mic.

Perry promised salvation, but sold his followers a false bill of goods. In the end, he finally... saw the light.

#742: Hammer Head

A pedophiliac janitor of a preparatory high school uses a video camera to film some sexy women's lacrosse players. He dodges the ball aimed for his head — but not the hammer from some nearby hammer-throwers, splitting his head open.

Instead of perving out, Chester, the school's new janitor, should’ve cleaned up his act.

#478: Board Stiff

A talented skateboarder who blew his fame on drugs and now spends his days harassing rent-a-cops and other passersby, hits a rock while skating and is knocked out when he falls face-first into quick-drying cement. The cement seeps in and hardens in his nose and mouth, causing him to suffocate.

Once upon a time, Brandon was the next "it guy" in the skateboarding world. Now he was just another... dead guy.

Tropes

• No Celebrities Were Harmed: Brandon so totally absolutely 100% isn't based on Tony Hawk.

#47: Sumowed

A corporate leader (who only got the position because his dad owned the company) holds one of those cheesy seminars set up to try and build trust and morale between him and his coworkers. After botching a trust exercise where an employee was supposed to fall into his arms, the same employee knocks him down a cliff during a sumo match. The padded sumo suit cushions his fall, but does naught to protect him from getting run down by a Smart Car.

Harold was a rich man's son who thought he could coast his way through life, until he put on a sumo suit, fell down a cliff, got hit by a car... and died.

#345: Bush Whacked

A TV junkie gets hooked on those "how to survive in the wild with nothing but the clothes on your back and what you can catch to eat" reality shows and tries his hand at doing the same, throwing together a makeshift salad from stuff he found in the forest, only to become violently ill shortly afterwards and die alone. Said salad contained a deadly trifecta of heart-stopping oleander, vomit-inducing foxglove, and one of the most deadly plants in nature, hemlock.

In this battle between man and nature, Bobby went in unarmed and never came out.

Episode 34: Today's Menu: Deep Fried Death

#129: Lawn of the Dead

During a picnic in the 1970s (which shows just how dangerous that decade was, from faulty cars to people thinking cocaine and the sun's UV rays were healthy to women who believed that smoking and drinking while pregnant wasn't bad for them), a man playing lawn darts (which were sharp and always handled by those who were drunk or high, which is why they were recalled) gets stabbed in the head when a woman in a halter top flashes him.

Matthew had a lot in common with 8-track tapes, shag carpeting, and platform shoes. None of them made it out of the 70s.

#438: Tongue Died

A man goes around stealing scrap metal from foreclosed houses. During one of his heists, he gets the fuzz on his tail but manages to outrun the fat cop until he falls down a manhole, the same one that he stole the cover from before. As if the impact from the fall breaking his neck wasn't bad enough, he also bit his own tongue off from the fall.

When people bottomed out, Max cashed in, until he wound up in the hole. What's the matter, Max? Cop got your tongue?

#119: Tube Snaked

After kicking her musician boyfriend out when his chance at a record deal fell through, a young woman clad in only her bra and panties almost gets strangled by the pet boa constrictor he left behind. She throws the snake out before it can kill her, then gets drunk. The snake works its way into an exhaust pipe for the house's heater, causing the house to flood with carbon monoxide and asphyxiate her.

Tina was a hard-bodied rock ho with a nasty mean streak. If she hadn’t been so mean, she wouldn’t be so dead. Rock on... bitch.

Tropes

• Ms. Fanservice: Tina, who's only seen in her underwear for the whole segment, which the narrator lampshades, remarking that she "seemed to live in her underwear".

#673: R.I.P-PED

A bodybuilding-obsessed old man overworks his juicer, causing it to overheat and explode, turning one of its blades into deadly shrapnel that pierces his neck.

Ted was a big old bull moose who liked to juice. But then his juicer blew a gasket, and Ted wound up in a casket.

#145: Mary-Nated

A rich old couple in the 1900's contract typhoid and die. They should've known better than to hire Mary Mallon (a.k.a Typhoid Mary, the first asymptomatic human carrier of the typhoid bacteria) as their live-in cook (especially with her bad habit of scratching her ass and never once practicing good hygiene while she prepared meals). Mary Mallon, on the other hand, died of pneumonia some time later when she was finally caught and quarantined.

Mary might've been immune to the typhoid she carried, but nobody can beat the biggest bug of all: death.

Tropes

• Screw This, I'm Outta Here: After the Longfellows die, Mary is quick to make an escape.

#802: Gooed Riddance

At a 10-year reunion sleeping party, the Alpha Bitch of the group (who nearly died drowning in a lake during summer camp) wins at a game of Chubby Bunny (the objective is to cram your mouth as full of marshmallows as you can and say "chubby bunny"), but ends up choking to death on the marshmallows when they melt and seal her throat.

Somewhere along the way, Carly lost her innocence, and turned bitchy and mean. Life became a bitter pill that she just... couldn't... swallow.

#259: De-Throned

A slovenly biker treating a bar maid as his personal slave over a huge debt gets launched from his seat when he throws a lit cigarette down a toilet while dropping a deuce. The maid had been dumping gasoline that the biker made messes with into the toilet (and never flushed the gasoline), and the cigarette ignited the fumes causing severe trauma to his pelvic arteries and rectum, much to the maid's relief.

And so, another douchebag bites the dust. Let's take a moment while we offer this crapped-out creep a few last words: Hey Duke, blow it out your ass.

Tropes

• Asshole Victim: Duke is gleefully mean to Cherry, treating her as a slave and intentionally making more messes for her to clean, and the narrator calls him a "grade-A bastard", among other things. Needless to say, Cherry's quite happy when he kicks it.

Episode 35: Cure for the Common Death, Part 2

#414: Hydrau-licked

An obnoxious lowrider enthusiast wins a bouncing contest with a man his girlfriend had been eyeing, only for a spring to come loose from his car, which sends him right under his opponent's car as it is coming back down from a bounce, crushing his head like a grapefruit.

Jesse was a little guy with a hot chick and a cool car, but he overheated and wound up beyond repair.

#188: Nun F***ed

In the hopes of getting a human girlfriend, instead of the blow-up doll in his garage, a scrawny nerd tries to do some karate moves for a viral video. After failing to break a plank of wood and a cinderblock with his forehead, he tries wielding nunchaku (nunchucks), only to hit himself in the forehead once more, causing fatal brain damage due to his skull having already been weakened by the aforementioned wood plank and cinderblock.

Wally was tired of going plastic; too bad his head wasn't made out of elastic. Guess what, Wally? You're dead, ya spastic!

#158: Myth Busted

Pissed off at joggers running by his shack, an angry redneck who moved to the woods to be away from people dresses up as Bigfoot to scare them off. A park ranger who believes in the Bigfoot myth, and sees capturing him as his chance at a promotion and fame, sees him and hits him with entorphine, a tranquilizer meant for large animals and is so strong on humans that it shuts down the redneck's heart.

Bigfoot, if you’re watching this, sit back and relax. With idiots like Luke here, you got nothing to worry about.

#304: Radioactive-dead

A Russian expatriate selling state secrets to the U.S. government is assassinated by his former employers via a liberal dosing of polonium-210 in his coffee. Remember, kids: in the spy game, never follow a predictable routine (this extends to going to the same coffee cart every day).

When a spy goes bad, bad things happen. For Anatoly, he got lit up, and then went lights out. До свидания^Translation Goodbye, comrade.

#389: Jelly Belly-ed

Some American students take a trip to a beach in Australia. One of them, an Alpha Bitch starved for attention due to being bullied as a teenager, scares the other students with a fake shark sighting. When she goes swimming, though, she gets a small Irukandji jellyfish down her esophagus, stinging her insides and swelling her windpipe shut. Her cries for help go unheeded: shouldn't have gone around Crying Wolf.

Narrator: Instead of being obnoxious and yelling...
Shirley: Shark! Shark!
Narrator: ...Shirley should've kept her big mouth shut.

#276: Die-Arrhea

A jockey trains to win one last race as a parting "Up yours!" to the other jockeys who refused to help him when he was homeless because of his history of bad behavior. He wins the race, but he keels over dead from a combination of renal failure, potassium deficiency, and dehydration caused by going bulimic from taking illegal Chinese laxatives so he can be light enough to ride.^note Much like supermodels and insecure teenage girls, some jockeys do resort to eating disorders to maintain their light weight.

For Pedro, it was winning at all costs, even if the final price included dying.

#122: Balloon-a-Tic

An X-rated party clown at a bachelorette party tries to deepthroat a balloon. It pops and seals his windpipe, choking him to death.

There's all kinds of clowns. Happy ones, sad. Most are funny, but Boinky was a different kind altogether: a dead one.

Episode 36: Sudden Death

#435: Coffin to Death

An egotistical lead singer for a J-rock band comes up with a stage gimmick of emerging from a coffin filled with steam from dry ice, right after a big fight with the band's just as egotistical lead guitarist. The gimmick goes awry, though, when the guitarist goes into a crazy-long solo, keeping the singer trapped without oxygen long enough to kill him.

Tanaka wanted to make a big entrance. Instead, he made an exit to die for. Sayonara, Tanaka-san.

#194: Poker Face

In the 1930s, a hitman on death row gets playing cards (which, back then, were coated in nitrocellulose, which was explosive) to use for a pipe bomb to escape from prison, which he tears up, puts in a broken bed leg with water, and puts on a heater. When the bomb doesn't go off, he picks it up to inspect it, suddenly mixing the water with chemicals from the cards and setting it off in his hand, sending shrapnel into his face.

If Floyd's plan had worked, it would've been an escape for the ages. But, it just wasn't in the cards.

Tropes

• Good Scars, Evil Scars: Floyd has a single large scar across his left cheekbone.

#415: Bed Buggered

After getting repeatedly sexiled by his Jerk Jock roommate, a nerd finally meets a nice girl and takes her back to the dorm for sex. The jock taunts him while they get it on on the top bunk, which comes crashing down on the jock from the sex.

Tyler was a sock-blocker who banned his roomie to the hallway. But then Ravi got some funk in his bunk, and Tyler wound up... bottomed out.

#578: Corset Killed Him

An arrogant, vain ballroom dancer who gained weight from eating doughnuts uses a corset to make himself thin. He ends up tying the corset so tight that it breaks his ribs and punctures his heart.

Esteban was an egotistical, pear-shaped, two-stepping prick. Does it make us happy on 1000 Ways to Die when a jerk like this bites it? Of... corset does.

Tropes

• Blood from the Mouth: A trail of blood leaks from Esteban's mouth after he falls to the ground and dies.

#692: Gone Fission

Two wannabe Yemeni terrorists attempt to replicate the "demon core" experiment, building a bomb with tungsten carbide bricks focusing radiation from a plutonium core. One of the bricks accidentally touches the core (caused by one of the terrorists belching and his fingers slipping), pummeling them both with a brutal high-speed barrage of radiation that ravages their bodies and kills them from pneumonia two agonizing days later.

Nuclear terrorism is no joke, but little did Somad and Soraki know they were just one burp away from becoming weapons of gas destruction.

Tropes

• Stupid Crooks: Somad and Soraki are described by the narrator as "Bigger threats to themselves than they were to the rest of the world", as exemplified by Somad fooling around while listening to Brittany Spears... while working on a highly dangerous nuclear experiment.

#63: Falling Down On the Job

A lazy construction worker's rope elevator snaps when he uses it to give himself a lift (despite that the rope elevator isn't meant to hold a human) causing him to fall to his death.

Mike was the boss's son who never put in an honest day of work in his life. But don't worry, because Mike will never have to lift a finger again.

#888: Ex-Squeezed

When the torture rack proves unable to kill a particularly tall death row inmate in the Tower of London, a new device is invented to kill him: the Scavenger's Daughter, which crushes his ribs and lungs while forcing him in a fetal position.

Thomas was too big for the rack, but he met his match when he hooked up with a nasty little wench called the scavenger's daughter.

Tropes

• Artistic License – History: While the story is based on the real-life execution of Thomas Miagh, there are a few liberties taken. One such liberty is having Sir William Skevington as the torturer who created the Scavenger's Daughter, when it was actually created by his son, Leonard Skevington. William had also been long dead by the time of 1581, when Miagh's execution, and this story, took place.
• Blood from Every Orifice: The end result of using the scavenger's daughter, which the narrator compares to squeezing a wet sponge dry.
• Cruel and Unusual Death: The torture rack quite literally pulls the victim apart by the arms and legs, while the scavenger's daughter forces them into a fetal position and crushes the victim's ribs and lungs. While Thomas survives the former due to his size, the latter works perfectly.
• No-Sell: Thomas is completely unaffected by the torture rack, and he laughs and taunts Sir William Skevington while in it. He quickly stops laughing when inside the scavenger's daughter, however.

Episode 37: Dying to Tell the Story

#794: African't

Two rich spoiled brats go on a trip to the Serengeti. Bored of the safari, and against the warnings of their guide, they go off on their own, get dehydrated, and pass out under a tree. The tree turns out to be home to ravenous driver ants that eat the brother from the inside out. While the sister is spared, because her perfume has a chemical in it that's used in insect repellent, she is completely horrified upon seeing her brother's ravaged corpse.

50 million in your bank account, that means you get to act like world-class brats. 50 million ants down your throat, that means... you're dead.

Tropes

• Rich in Dollars, Poor in Sense: Herb and Miranda, as they ignore their guide's warnings and go off on their own, predictably becoming dehydrated and passing out under a tree. This ends up resulting in Herb being Eaten Alive by driver ants and Miranda likely being traumatized from waking up to see her brother's half-eaten corpse.

#645: Amish-Tinguished

A young Amish man on Rumspringa (where he can experience mainstream society so he can choose whether to stay with his congregation or live on the outside) goes to a Halloween party and gets drunk. Despite being a very fun drunk and the life of the party, he dies of alcohol poisoning, as he was born without an enzyme that processes alcohol.

The Amish try and isolate themselves to lead pure and simple lives. Jebidiah came to the big city and learned a hard lesson: the Amish are no different than anyone else... everybody dies.

#416: Trucked Up

An obnoxious asshole shows up his cousin (who recently bought a car that he saved up to get, while his own truck was a gift from his wealthy parents) with a massive truck. He accidentally shifts the truck out of gear and, when he turns it on remotely, gets run down by his own truck.

Todd thought his tricked-out truck made him cooler than anyone else, but all it really did was make him deader.

#212: Handi-Crapped

An able-bodied surfer parks in a handicapped spot. A Vietnam vet who lost his leg and hates it when able-bodied people take handicapped spots confronts the douchebag, but the surfer tries to drive away — and ends up with a fatal broken neck from his surfboard slamming into the back of his head after hitting a "Handicapped Parking Only" sign.

This surfer punk would run over his grandad for a parking spot. But now, instead of hanging ten, he’s deep-sixed. Welcome to Hell, Hank. You can park there as long as you like.

#169: Chess Pain

A Soviet chess master challenges a computer using metallic pieces on a magnetic board to a game. Sweating because the computer is beating him, he accidentally shocks himself when grabbing a defective metal piece on the ungrounded board.

When it came to chess, Nikolai ruled the world. But when the king met the future in the form of a computer, he met his match.

Tropes

• Arrogant Kung-Fu Guy: Nikolai, who claims that the upcoming match will be a waste of his time.
• No Celebrities Were Harmed: Nikolai is so totally absolutely 100% without a doubt not Garry Kasparov.
• Very Loosely Based on a True Story: This segment is most likely inspired by Garry Kasparov's matches against IBM's Deep Blue supercomputer.

#315: Little Chop of Horrors

After swindling some crooks out of an alleged car with a very valuable engine, a corrupt chop shop mechanic meets his maker when the "Made in China" chain holding the engine snaps, causing the engine to crush his chest, squash his heart and lungs flat, pop his eyeballs out and overall kill him from massive exsanguination.

Sal was a bottom-feeding crook who liked to jerk people's chains. But in this one-man chop shop, Sal found out the hard way: he was his own weak link.

Tropes

• Blood from Every Orifice: Sal's fate when the engine crushes his chest, as he bleeds from his eyes, ears, nose, and mouth.

#452: 'Dis Still Killed 'Em

In the midst of The Great Depression and Prohibition, two West Virginian hillbillies become moonshiners so they can be rich and glamorous like the city folk. They sample their product, not knowing that the first batch (aka the foreshot) is actually pure methanol, which causes blindness and organ failure.

This here's the story of Jeb and Mabel, husband and wife, no food on the table. So they whipped up some moonshine in the back of their shed. But they didn't get rich, just drunk... and then dead.

Tropes

• The Darkness Before Death: After drinking from the foreshot, Jeb goes blind before he and Mabel's organs shut down.
• In Medias Res: The segment opens with the couple dead, then rewinds to show us How We Got Here.

2011

Episode 38: If You're Dead - Leave a Message and We'll Get Back to You

#501: Hat's All Folks!

You know that old expression "Mad as a Hatter"? Well, it turns out it's based on a real phenomenon. In the 1800's, hatmakers used mercury to felt hats, and the long-term exposure from the vapors led to psychosis and organ death. To illustrate this, a hatmaker is shown going insane from prolonged mercury vapor exposure, which caused his business to sink and the man himself to be found dead in his shop from mercury poisoning.

For Barnaby, making hats was a living, but the making made him mad. He lost his mind, his customers, and his health... and then, it made him dead.

Tropes

• No Celebrities Were Harmed: Barnaby eerily looks like the Mad Hatter as played by Johnny Depp in Alice in Wonderland (2010).
• Self-Harm: Barnaby, after yelling at the first customer seen, stabs a needle through his hand.

#937: Tone Death

A man who makes and deals in auditory drugs (binaural beats) uses military-grade sound equipment to make a new i-Dosing tune called "Satan's Jackhammer". However, he ends up creating a literal Brown Note, which causes him to lose all control of his bowels and bladder and his organs to malfunction from the subsonic sound waves.

Clyde learned a hard lesson: Hertz hurts.

#877: Caulk Blocked

Hoping to hook up with a rapper who likes big butts and cannot lie, a white, wannabe hip-hop queen gets cosmetic surgery for her buttocks from a quack surgeon, who uses bathroom caulk instead of silicon to make her booty-licious. She ends up dead after the bathroom caulk gets into her bloodstream and clogs her lungs and heart.

Tina wanted to jump on Li'l Ron's booty bandwagon, but her butt came up short. So she pumped up its volume and wound up butted out. (🎶I want to shake my butt my big butt in your face🎶)

#130: Deaf Jammed

A carjacker gets his head caught in the window of a car he was hoping to jack, cutting off circulation to his brain. He tries to scream for help, but even if he could speak, the driver wouldn't hear him because she's deaf.

Mickey was a total waste of life who preyed on the weak. The best thing to say about him: he's dead. There, aren't ya happy?

Tropes

• Asshole Victim: Mickey, a carjacker who exclusively targets women and is shown successfully stealing a pregnant woman's car. Lampshaded by the narrator's opening words of the segment:
  Narrator: Look at this guy. Let's be honest here: this guy's gonna die. And you're gonna be happy he did.
• Blood from the Mouth: Blood starts to leak from Mickey's mouth when he dies.

#448: Homie-Cide

A pretty boy method actor survives his initiation into a gang while studying for a role in a B-movie, only to have his skull cracked open when a rival gang dumps a corpse on him from an overpass.

Aspiring actor Enrique wanted a part so bad he immersed himself in gang life. But it was just pretend until that big OG in the sky yelled "Cut! That's a wrap, homie".

#320: OMG! SUV! RIP!

A Con Man hoping to make a killing on insurance fraud (after defrauding a food truck for serving tacos with rat pieces in them — rat pieces that he planted in the taco he bought) lets himself get hit by a van. When the ditzy blonde driver goes to get help, she accidentally knocks the van out of gear, causing her van to crush him between two bumpers.

Lester put the squeeze on unsuspecting victims. But when he came face to face with three tons of steel and rubber, he got squeezed out.

#172: Dead-dy Dearest

A Jerkass and former Army soldier scares his daughter and her boyfriend with a gun loaded with blanks. When trying to demonstrate to them how harmless the gun really was, he puts the gun to his head and fires. Unfortunately for him, he shoots himself in the head — not from a forgotten bullet in the chamber, but because the empty shot still had enough force to blast him through his temple and kill him.

If Megan wasn't already headed for a lifetime of therapy, she is now. Gee... thanks, Pop.

Episode 39: The One About Dumb People Dying

#331: Wet Dream

A coke fiend from The '80s celebrates New Year's 1986 by doing lines, dressing in drag, and having sex with several women. He awakes to find himself half-naked, smeared in make-up, and cuffed to a waterbed. In a panic, he punctures the waterbed with his stilettos. He drowns when he can't keep his head above water.

Don spent New Year's Eve, 1986, partying like it was 1999. Too bad he never made it that far.

#755: Mary Lou Rectum

An Alpha Bitch gymnast who blew her chances at being in the Olympics and is practicing for a sleazy Vegas show with her put-upon partner dismounts from a trampoline, only to get a parallel bar shoved up her body through her perineum because she didn't listen to the maintenance man who told her that the parallel bars weren't set up yet.

Andrea was a bitter gymnast who took out her frustrations on her friends. If Sally was a little meaner, she would've told her friend Andrea to "Stick it up your rectal-uterine pouch... bitch!"

#365: Kung Pao Pow!!!

A thieving crematorium worker in China who steals valuables from corpses gets decapitated when a defective weather rocket lodged in the chest of a man who allegedly died of a lightning strike blows up from the heat of the furnace and launches the furnace door at his neck.

If Chung had any sense, he would've remembered the ancient Chinese proverb: "Have greedy heart, lose greedy head."

Tropes

• Based on a True Story: While the real life event didn't result in decapitation of any staff (thieving or otherwise), this story was based on the death of Wang Diange, who was killed by a weather rocket mistakenly believed to have been a lightning strike, which proceeded to explode during his cremation.

#513: Hot Shot, Part D'uh

A couple of thieves swipe baggage from an airport. One of them finds a bottle of designer rum while taking stock of their loot and takes a swig. Unfortunately for him, it wasn't designer rum, but liquid cocaine laced with kerosene. He dies of a fatal overdose causing his heart to practically explode.

Charlie was a thief. He wound up stealing from a drug dealer, but what happened to him wasn't exactly criminal; it was just a really nasty way to die. Sorry Charlie!

Tropes

• Shout-Out: The segment is named after Hot Shots! Part Deux, and the victim's name is Charlie.

#701: Steward-Death

An apathetic stewardess on her last flight before retiring really should've heeded the "buckle your seat belts" sign on a plane. Otherwise, she wouldn't have been sucked out of the plane when the fuselage ruptured, suffering a triple death whammy before she even hit the ocean due to flaying, hypoxia, and hypothermia.

The next time you’re on a flight, keep your seat belts buckled. Try to ignore the hostile stewardess. And remember, the closest exit may be right above your head.

#274: Squirreled Away

A redneck taxidermist suffers a slow, painful death from rabies after eating the raw meat of a rabid squirrel he shot and stuffed.

Norman stuffed animals for work and ate them for fun. But after he bit into the wrong one, Norman turned rabid and was done. You silly wabbit!

#870: Fatally Gourd

A group of good ol' boys with a pumpkin cannon they made themselves (which should have killed them but didn't since they were drunk and a lot can go wrong when you make machines yourself if you don't have the skills and know-how) test it out — and inadvertently stop a pumpkin thief when one of their pumpkins hits him in the chest.

Dwayne and his buds were just a bunch of good ol' boys getting some yuks. Luther was just a bad boy making some illegal bucks. When Luther met Dwayne, it gave us a good idea for a new show: 1000 Ways to Pie. Ya want another slice of that, Luther?

Episode 40: Getting a Rise From the Dead

#298: Sign Offed

Two sign-spinners get into a spin-off for the affections of a cute barista. One of them narrowly avoids getting hit by a car, only to accidentally slice his jugular on a point on his sign sharpened by hitting the pavement repeatedly.

Mickey could spin the heck out of a sign; too bad he didn't stop to read them. If he did, here's how it might've went down: Caution. Stop. Dead End.

#512: Chef Boy-R-Dead

A sous-chef tries to swipe her head chef's PDA to get his recipes. She ducks into an industrial dishwasher to avoid detection, only to get scalded to death when a dishwasher assumes there's a full load and turns the machine on.

Faye had dreams of being a top chef, but she was no child of Julia. She tried to steal Jacques's recipes, and wound up... in Hell's kitchen.

#209: Par For the Corpse

A jerkass cemetery groundskeeper who treats a graveyard as his personal mini-golf course has a bad reaction to fungicide (which he accidentally ingested because he chewed on his golf tees...ew), causing him to look like a shambling zombie (and the first part of the segment to play out like a trailer for a low-budget zombie flick) in the moments before his death.

In the graveyard of horror, see Jim spray. See Jim play. See Jim... die!!!

#206: Dip N' Die

An immigrant-hunting Arizonian with a love of chewing tobacco patrols the border. He hits a large bump and accidentally bites down on his tongue, causing it to swell and block his airway (as he was born with erectile glossitis, which sounds like a sexual disease, but really means that his tongue has a nasty reaction when he bites down on it — more so when he gets chewing tobacco in the bite).

George was a gun-totin', chewin', spittin' ignoramus, who thought his paranoid hatred of illegals was protecting his country. In the end, he did do his country a big favor... by dyin'!

#178: Dead Fella

Two mobsters try to gun down a third who is on his way to testify against the Mafia. The car the witness is in turns out to have bulletproof glass put in by the government. A bullet ricocheting off of it and hitting one of the would-be assassins in the carotid.

Tony was a young hitman hoping to get made. But his partner's bullet took a bad bounce, and now Tony will be laying low forevuh.

• Murphy's Bullet: Two hitmen try to kill a mafioso who has betrayed the group, but the reinforced glass from the car deflects all of the shots... and one of these shots kills the hitman who shot it.

#555: Double-O-Severed

A corporate spy tries to sneak in through an air duct to plant a listening bug, only for his idiot nephew to accidentally knock out the rod stopping the fan, pulling the spy back up into the fan and slicing off his legs, causing him to bleed out.

Mark was good at being a corporate spy. He just didn't understand the theory of relativity: never hire 'em.

#441: Snakenstein

A German real-life Mad Scientist experimenting with reanimation tries to resurrect a rattlesnake using an electric current. The snake has a sudden muscle spasm which causes it to bite the scientist in the neck, fatally poisoning him.

Von Metsker was a questionable quack, looking for immortality. Instead, all he found... was a new way to die.

Episode 41: Ready or Not, Here Comes Death

#231: Asphyxi-Asian

The announcer does some channel-surfing on a rainy day and happens upon a Japanese game show, in which a bitchy contestant tries to take down her opponent in a bizarre contest involving gathering cantaloupes and swimming through hula hoops in a pool. Just as the opponent quits, the bitchy contestant ends up drowning because her oxygen tank had truck exhaust in it and no one bothered to filter it out. Before the show announcer goes to sleep, he adds that a story like that would make for a great segment for 1000 Ways to Die.

Huh, so Let Me Get This Straight.... I was channel surfing, I came upon a weird, Japanese game show, one of the contestants was a real bitch, and then she wound up dying. Well, that’d make a good 1000 Ways to Die story. Maybe I’ll mention it to the knucklehead producers. But right now, it’s nap time.

#246: Par-Gore

A Jerkass parkour enthusiast determined to win a race jumps from one roof to another, rolls to recover, and impales himself through the neck on a pipe.

Parkour is not supposed to be about ego. It’s an art combining body, mind, and motion. Dickie boy here didn’t get that. And now ego, bye-bye!

#149: Dill D'Oh!

A former chemistry teacher is placed in a nursing home by his cruel kids despite still being of sound mind and not suffering from any mental conditions. Despite being abandoned by his family, he still continues to experiment to keep his spirits up, on one occasion making a lamp out of a Dill pickle and the wires from an old lamp. A jerkass home aide tries to put the kibosh on his fun, snatching the pickle lamp while it was still hooked up and shocking himself to death.

Peter picked a pickle that gave him a tickle. Now his life isn’t worth a wooden nickel.

Tropes

• Deadpan Snarker: After Peter electrocutes himself with the pickle lamp, Mr. Franklin can't help but lampshade the obvious lapse of judgment made on Peter's part.
  Mr. Franklin: You shouldn't have grabbed the pickle if it was lit up! Any fool knows that! "Oh, look! That pickle's lit up!" Well, don’t GRAB it then!
• The Gadfly: Mr. Franklin, who aside from doing his science experiments, tends to amuse himself by annoying Peter.

#671: Boobicide

A vain stripper with great honking tits (from string implants, which are now illegal in America due to health concerns) drinks booze and takes oxycodone to ease her back pain. She lays back on a reclining rack and ends up suffocating on her own massive rack while too wasted on booze and pills to notice.

Jewel's lady lumps were a big attraction, but they gave her the mother of all backaches. She tried going topsy-turvy, but then what used to take her customers' breath away took her own instead.

#677: Boweled Out

A softball player tries to fix his own abdominal hernia during a game, unknowingly rupturing an artery in doing so. When he swings his bat, he ruptures it again and bleeds out internally.

Casey was an aggro softballer who lived by the motto "no pain, no gain". We have a new one for him: "no ruptured hernia, no death". You're out!

Tropes

• Shout-Out: The victim in this segment is named Casey.

#412: Goon Interrupted

A hitman who copped an insanity plea to avoid jail time plots an escape. He tries to sneak through a laundry chute, but a worker dumping soiled laundry down the chute causes the hitman to plummet 50 feet to his death.

Marco was a cold-blooded hitman who faked his way into the loony bin, and became... a big hit.

#428: Doggie Styled

Two drunk duck hunters try to flush out some ducks with a stick of dynamite. Their dog, who's telling the story, fetches it and brings the dynamite back to them. The dog then gets distracted by a squirrel and runs off. You can almost hear the Looney Tunes theme playing knowing what happens next.

Sparky: These guys are always losing things. Here you go, I fetched your arm. Okay gentlemen, time to go. It's dinner time. I'm hungry. Hello?!

Tropes

• Dogs Are Dumb: Sparky is portrayed in this manner, bringing a lit stick of dynamite back to his owners before running off after a squirrel, and he doesn't even realize that they've kicked the bucket when he comes back despite fetching one of their detached limbs.

Episode 42: Grave Errors

#786: Curl Up and Die

A hairstyler from the 1970s who likes to sleep with his female clientele and "enhance" the experience with booze and Quaaludes^note Quaaludes — a.k.a "ludes" and "leg-spreaders" — were legal up until the 1980s. passes out after botching the hair of one of his clients. When the client returns the next day, she finds him dead — not from the vodka-Quaalude combo, but because he passed out on his very hot hair curler and burned his trachea to a crisp.

Barry curled his ladies' hair and then their toes. But in the end, his booze and ludes love potion left him too hot under the collar.

#281: Who Ded?

Two college-aged thieves posing as Hurricane Katrina relief workers go into a church basement to swipe its valuables. Divine retribution comes in the form of a live wire in the flooded basement electrocuting them.

Aileen and Nicole were trying to capitalize on the misfortune of others. But as the saying goes, no good deed goes unpunished. As for the bad deeds, that punishment is death.

#151: Crack Piped

Back in 1903, two robbers try to exploit a pneumatic tube system in a New York bank to make a killing. They block up the pipe to steal the money capsules coming through it, but pressure builds up in the tube and causes it to explode, ripping them up with shrapnel.

Henry and Orson thought they had an airtight plan for the perfect crime. But then they got greedy, and instead of getting rich, they ended up paying the piper.

#753: Thanks a Clot

A Con Man from The Philippines makes a living as a psychic surgeon to a village of superstitious peasants who pay cash and believe it when the man allegedly heals them by touch. When he encounters a local leper, his hand brushes the leper's snotty nose and the charlatan ends up with leprosy and a lung clot that kills him in a span of months. The con man's partner jumps ship the second he realizes what happened.

A few months later, the phony physician was done for. Clutching his now-meaningless cash, a blood clot swam through his veins, landed in his lungs, and stopped his black heart. What's up, doc?

Tropes

• Screw This, I'm Outta Here: Honesto's assistant runs for the hills once he sees a rotting skin lesion on his boss's arm and realizes that Honesto's caught leprosy.

#594: Odds Are You're Dead

A Loan Shark tries to chase down a construction worker who owes him money from betting on sports games by cutting the line of a scissor lift. It comes crashing down and decapitates him.

Tony was a tough guy who loaned out money. But when it came time to collect, Tony would get so worked up, he finally just... lost his head.

#405: Chemi-Killed

A jilted lab assistant goes nuts in a laboratory and wrecks the place after her boss ends their affair. She hurls a flask of sodium azide into a sink of water, which causes it to explode and burn her face and respiratory system.

Dierdre couldn't keep her labcoat on, she couldn't keep her jealousy in check, and then the whole thing blew up right in her face.

Tropes

• Sympathetic Adulterer: Though Dierdre seduces Dr. Stelgis into an affair, he clearly feels guilty about it, cutting it off when she attempts to continue it and returning to his wife.

#327: i-Boned

An obnoxious movie patron who just won't put her damn cell phone away dies when a defective battery turns her favorite gadget into a deadly grenade that was practically glued to her head.

Minutes later, she was just like her phone... dead.

Episode 43: Killing Them Softly

#894: Scam Eye Am (Dead)

A Nigerian scam artist hides out from a man who finds out he had been taken in a "wash-wash" scam. When his victim comes barging in, he accidentally jams the door's coat hook into the scammer's eye and brain.

Adechike's death should be a lesson to all you gullible Jims out there: keep your eye on your money.

Tropes

• No Celebrities Were Harmed: Adechike bears quite a resemblance to Don Cheadle.

#270: Contact Die

A college student taking advantage of a nerd's crush on her to get ahead in chemistry class accidentally mixes ammonia with hydrochloric acid. The gas created from the mixture melts her contact lenses to her eyes. She flees in terror and pain, slips, and cracks her neck on a corner.

Katie tried to flirt her way through school, and in the end, she passed... on.

#427: Six Feet Plunder

A guy, angry that his parents left the family fortune to his older brother and his brother left the family fortune to his dog when he died (and was buried with the family's jewelry), decides to do some Grave Robbing to get the jewelry that he thinks is rightfully owed to him. Just after he gets his brother's ring, the brother's gravestone falls on the man due to him digging too close to it.

Doug was the family castoff. But in the end, he and his brother wound up joined at the hip... and the face... and the chest...

Tropes

• Fingore: A port-mortem example, as when Doug tries to take one of Jim's rings that's stuck on his finger, he ends up ripping off the finger and tosses it aside after removing the ring from it.
• The Unfavorite: Doug is described as this, which motivates his decision to rob the riches from Jim's corpse.

#465: Guns N' Noses

An African warlord who employs diamond smugglers enjoys mixing his cocaine with gunpowder (known as "brown-brown"). He unknowingly also mixes it with diamond dust from his latest bag of loot he unloaded onto a scale, which slices up his lungs and heart from the inside.

Tomo, the gun-shooting, coke and gun powder tootin' warlord, learned a valuable lesson. Diamonds don’t last forever, being dead does.

#95: Frequent Dier

A horny couple on an airplane tries to have some fun in the Mile-High Club after the stewardess tells them to knock off their PDA in the cabin. The plane hits some turbulence, causing them to break their bones and skulls against the lavatory's walls and each other.

A wise man, when asked if sex was dirty, replied, "Only when it’s done right." Darren and Bernice just chose the wrong place. Next time, get a room, not a bathroom.

#180: Suck & Blown

Two thieves try to siphon gas from a car using an industrial vacuum. A spark from the vacuum sets off the gas fumes and blows the thieves to kingdom come.

Zeke and Lyle sucked at what they did. They thought a vacuum would help. In the end, they were just a couple of… gas-holes.

#744: Master E-Raced

A Nazi soldier gets shot in the head by an American soldier during the final days of World War II. Unfortunately, the bullet doesn't kill the Nazi and he lives on for another 50 years, hidden in the USA thanks to the Odessa Network. While yelling at his wife for not making his oatmeal right, the bullet finishes the job when he hits his head on the fridge, causing the bullet to sever an artery in his brain.

Dieter thought he had cheated Death, but the former Nazi had no idea Death could be so patient. As for the bullet in his head, it was just following orders.

Tropes

• Boom, Headshot!: Dieter suffers this at the hands of an American soldier, though surprisingly, he survives. It's only fifty years later when he hits his head on the fridge that the bullet, still in his brain, finally kills him.
• Brief Accent Imitation: The narrator affects a German accent when he snarks that the bullet was Just Following Orders.
• Jerkass: Dieter, whom the narrator describes as being a piece of work in his youth as a Nazi, and he doesn't get better with age, as he yells at his wife for making his oatmeal wrong.

Episode 44: Better Them Than Us

#615: Macdeath

A self-absorbed dot-com millionaire-turned-theater owner tries to inject himself into a play. A cord used to hoist his fat ass up for a flying scene snaps and flies so fast that it slices clean through his jugular.

There's a lesson here, kids: money isn't everything. Having enough common sense to not make yourself the star of your own show and fly around until you kill yourself... priceless.

#368: Cloudy With a Chance of Pain

A Russian pimp finds himself locked out of his car when his prostitute locks herself in to protect herself from cement chunks from a cloud-seeding operation gone awry. He tries to get back in, but is killed by a chunk of concrete to the head.

Dimitri's strange and improbable death proved one thing, even in Moscow: здесь тяжело... для сутенера. ^Translation It's not easy...being a pimp.

#895: Pop Goes the Cholo

An injured Gang Banger is brought by his homies to a back alley doctor (if they went to a real hospital, they'd get busted, as medical staff is allowed to call the police on you if you're injured while committing a crime). The doctor is uncooperative and gets pistol whipped unconscious. The gangsters try to operate themselves but accidentally put an oxygen tube into his stomach, inflating it and popping it like a bloody balloon.

Enrique thought sneaking into this country and leading a life of crime was a good idea. Hey, Enrique, this is why they call it gang... banged.

#205: Flame Retard-Ant

A pyromaniac lurking in the woods tries to light a tree on fire, but sets his pants on fire instead. He jumps into a lake to put himself out, but the cold water causes him to go into shock, causing paralysis and drowning.

Richard's career as a pyro really caught fire. But then he couldn't take the heat, and finally, he went under.

#245: Rocky Roadkill

A drug dealer using an ice cream truck to sell his stuff gets held at gunpoint by a tweaker. In his haste to escape the jumpy meth-head, he makes a sharp turn that causes the coolant in his truck to fall over and leak. The vapors cause the dealer to black out, hit a tree, and die from bleeding out due to his aortic valve getting ruptured.

Salvador was a drug-dealing Mr. Freeze. But when one of his customers turned on him, his business went bust, and he got creamed.

#404: Straight to DVDead

A low-level actor with a rap sheet bigger than his acting credits has been hired for a 1700s-style pistol duel in a historical flick. The actor decides to kill his costar by loading his prop flintlock pistol with a real bullet so he can make the death look like an accident. The would-be murderer dies instead when his pistol blows his hand off from being overpacked with gunpowder, causing him to bleed out from his stump and a piece of shrapnel that slices a femoral artery in his thigh.

Jim was desperate to be a big star and would kill to get that leading role. In the end, his death scene was... very believable.

#348: My Big Fat Greek Death

Perillos of Athens invents a new way of executing prisoners: the Brazen Bull, a brass bull used to pressure-cook convicts. The cruel King Phalaris decides to use Perillos to test this new execution device.

Perillos wanted more out of life. He tried impressing the king but wound up cooking his own goose... and that's no bull.

Tropes

• Cruel and Unusual Death: The brazen bull pressure-cooks its victim alive. Its inventor finds out the hard way just how horrible a death this is.
• Shout-Out: A retelling of the tale of Perillos and the brazen bull, an execution device of questionable veracity.

Episode 45: Dead Before They Know It

#317: SP-Effed

A kleptomaniac college roommate swipes what she thinks is moisturizer for tanning but is actually medical cream for psoriasis. A chemical in the cream reacts with the UV radiation from the tanning bed (which also isn't hers) and causes second-degree burns and deadly dehydration.

Shelly was a deadbeat who borrowed, used, and ate her friends out of house and home. It's fitting that the roommate from Hell wound up getting burnt to a crisp.

#127: Ji-Had It Coming

An American journalist goes native and joins the Taliban. While firing her AK-47 in celebration of her marrying a terrorist leader, a bullet ricochets off a metal pitcher and hits her square in the head.

Tanya was just another bleeding heart who went native. She thought she was going to help overthrow the US. In the end, she did her country a huge favor... by dying!

#264: Crate and Buried

In Darfur, two Sudanese warlords steal crates of supplies badly needed for the war-torn country. Is it any wonder that these two monsters got what was coming to them in the form of another supply crate crushing them to death because the parachute didn't work?

If Ahmed and Ali were allowed to look into the future and see how their lives would end… they’d be crushed.

#458: Lost in Transfusion

A crane worker hooked on cocaine needs to pass his drug test to keep his job. His girlfriend, a hospital cook, gives him some blood from her job and tells him to warm it up before he injects it in himself ^note  it's important to know this never would have worked even if he had warmed up the blood. The crane worker doesn't listen and dies when he injects himself with blood that was left in the refrigerator overnight, due to the chilled blood causing irregular fibrillation and tachycardia upon entering his heart.

Even crane operators need a lift. Ramone just used the wrong substance and had the wrong plan to beat the test. The only thing he got right... dying.

#678: Arriva-Deadci

A mob-connected parolee on work release believes a co-worker is speaking ill of him to his parole officer and goes to confront them, but forgets to put the brakes on his dumpster. The dumpster pins him to another one, killing him with the sharp end of his dumpster puncturing his abdomen.

Carmine made parole and went back to his bad behavior. He had no intention of taking out the trash, so the trash took him out!

#402: Miss-ur Head

A French criminal is executed by guillotine, and a doctor uses his death to see if a severed head shows signs of life after being decapitated, in an attempt to build a case for the guillotine being inhumane. Turns out that, outside of some involuntary blinking, it doesn't.

We've gone back and looked at some executions and tortures throughout the ages. But out of all of them, the guillotine will kill you... in the blink of an eye.

Tropes

• Continuity Nod: When the segment is being closed out, footage from "Ex-Squeezed", "My Big Fat Greek Death", and "Back Stabbed" is shown.

#247: Eye-Sick-Kill

A pervy stoner Mall Santa gets fired for sexually harassing his female elves and smoking pot on the job. After getting kicked out of the mall, the man goes to his manager's office to demand his job back, but an icicle falls from the roof and gets him through the eye.

This Santa was a loser. No doubt about that. Merry Christmas to all, and thank God he got whacked!

Episode 46: Stupid is as Death Does

#219: Chairway to Heaven

A deadbeat dad who abandoned his family to "find himself" is building a man cave with his Fat Idiot friend. The deadbeat dad buys a military-grade pilot's seat to use as a video game chair — and (literally) hits the ceiling when he finds that the ejector mechanism on it still works.

There's a word for guys who abandon their families: "deadbeat". But there's a simpler, even better word for Mitch: "dead".

Tropes

• Asshole Victim: Mitch abandoned his wife and kids for his own hedonistic pleasure. We're sure they're much better off without him.
• Cool Garage: Mitch decides to build himself a "man cave" at the expense of his family.
• Curiosity Killed the Cast: Mitch eats it because Jacko asks what the (still functional) ejector lever on his seat is, and he decides to pull it.
• Disappeared Dad: Mitch walked out on his wife and children to "find himself" (read: get wasted with his friend and blow his family off).
• Fat Idiot: Jacko is described by the narrator as Mitch's "dumb, fat friend".
• Irony: Though Jacko dons a football helmet, Mitch probably would've benefited more from it.
• Papa Wolf: The narrator himself, if the remark he starts the segment with is anything to go by:
  Narrator: We get a lot of losers on this show, but a guy who turns his back on his own family? I'd like to kill him myself.
• Present-Day Past: Though the story is set in 2003, Jacko briefly plays with a Guitar Hero controller. The first Guitar Hero released in 2005, and the specific controller used (from Guitar Hero 3) was released in 2007.
  • Mitch also owns an iPhone, the first of which weren't released until 2007.
• Unwitting Instigator of Doom: Jacko, who brings the ejector lever on Mitch's seat to his attention.
• What Does This Button Do?: Mitch pulls the ejector lever on his chair out of curiosity after Jacko asks what it is, and finds out the hard way that it still works. Lampshaded by the narrator as he does:
  Narrator: When someone asks "What does this lever do?", never. Ever. Pull it.

#623: Eye Swallow

A man with a fetish for amputees has sex with a woman who has a glass eye and a missing arm from a car accident. While his partner goes into the bathroom to shower, the man drinks some water — not knowing that the glass has his date's fake eye in it — and chokes to death.

Chester looked Death straight in the eye, and then... swallowed it whole.

#255: The Depart-dead

Some Boston kids (aka Southies) play a game of Edward Fortyhands, where bottles of malt liquor are taped to their hands and they can't do anything with their hands until they finish their drinks. During the fun and games, a lit cigar spit onto the floor lights the stuffing of an old couch and releases hydrogen cyanide into the air. The Southies can't escape because their hands are taped up and they end up dead from inhaling the toxic fumes.

When the smoke cleared, Boston had four less dummies. Hey, why don't ya Southies park ya car in the packy parkin' lot? Ya dead!

Tropes

• Alcohol-Induced Idiocy: The kids die because one of them spits a lit stogie onto the floor, where it lights the stuffing of an old couch.
• Brief Accent Imitation: The narrator affects a Boston accent when mocking the kids at the end of the segment.
• Potty Failure: Not in the segment itself, but Jason Sereno, when explaining Edward Fortyhands, mentions that the game is more about bladder size, as your bladder is not meant to hold eighty ounces of alcohol, and that it's entire possibly for games of Edward Fortyhands to end in this.

#621: Spyanide

An incompetent American turncoat in World War II meets with a Nazi agent stateside. Someone finds his notebook and calls out to him to give it back. Thinking he had been outed as a spy, he attempts to flee and then kills himself by swallowing a cyanide tablet.

Max was a traitor who deserved to die. In the end, he did his country a favor and did himself in. Danke schön... Dummkopf!^Translation Thank you very much... dumbass!

Tropes

• Asshole Victim: Nazi spy. Is elaboration really needed?
• Cyanide Pill: Max had one of these in place in case he was ever caught. He used it because he believed he had been found out. He actually hadn't, but hey, same diff.
• Obvious Villain, Secret Villain: Max is a rather obvious spy, with his German accent and asking several people his Spy Speak question (yet somehow, he isn't discovered until his death). His Nazi contact, on the other hand, does a much better job at staying Hidden in Plain Sight.
• Poor Communication Kills: Max thought he'd been discovered as a traitor when in reality the man calling out to him just wanted to return his notebook. Had the man said as much to Max, he likely wouldn't have used his Cyanide Pill.
• Spy Speak: Max asks several people if they find it cold this time of year (in summer), but it's not until he's approached by a Nazi agent that she gives the correct answer, and he makes contact with her.

#126: Game Stopped

A gaming addict gets defeated by a Gamer Chick in an online tournament and stands up in a fit of rage. In doing so, he causes a deep-vein thrombosis to clog up his lungs, the blood clot having formed from 60 consecutive hours of playing video games, eating junk food, and using his gaming chair as a toilet.

Garth ruined his health and sacrificed his life by living in a virtual fantasy world. Too bad his wake-up call was his own death. Game over, Garth.

Tropes

• The Cameo: Pat Contri is one of the experts consulted for this segment, explaining how online gaming tournaments work.
• The Pigpen: Garth becomes this due to refusing to even leave his chair, even developing zits on his face.

#305: Moving Violation

Two former convicts scam a woman by posing as moving men. One of the men nabs a crystal flower and sticks it in his shirt. The moving van lurches forward suddenly, causing a cabinet to fall on the man who stole the crystal flower and the crystal flower to pierce his heart.

Dickie and Donny were movers with larceny in their veins. They robbed their clients blind, but then Donny forgot Dickie, and now Dickie is deadie.

#193: Art Attack

A Casanova Wannabe who gets women by faking a French accent and posing as an artist gets rejected by a woman who is actually interested in art and not in the lech. In frustration, the man punches a piece of trash art that turns out to be a butterfly bomb.

It's the age-old battle of the sexes. Men will do whatever it takes to bed down the babe-a-licious beauties of the world. Mr. Amnesia just used the wrong weapon and wound up killed in action.

Episode 47: That's "Mister Death" To You

#275: Any Given Gunday

A jersey chaser (a woman who sleeps with rich athletes) bags a football player who has memory loss from a concussion and keeps guns in the house due to his paranoia. When he finds that he slept with the jersey chaser, he's relieved that it's not a robber — until the jersey chaser turns on the oven. Turns out the football player also kept a gun in the oven and guns can still fire and shoot you when overheated.

One question lingers after watching this tragic tale of modern romance... Jerome, why the hell did you hide a gun in the oven?

#592: Descent of a Woman

An extreme germophobe with OCD falls from a ladder and hits a mirror while cleaning. She survives, but later finds a glass shard stuck in her armpit. Removing it turns out to be a bad idea, as that shard severed her axillary artery and was keeping the blood from spilling out.

Isn't it ironic that a woman who is so determined to wipe the world clean of dirt and germs wound up leaving a really big mess?

#646: Scarf-Face

A terrorist escapes prison by starving himself until he's skinny enough to slip through the jail bars. He dies while gorging on a celebratory feast due to extreme electrolyte balances from starving himself (a condition known as refeeding syndrome).

Abdul was a bad man who thought he could escape his fate and find freedom, but Allah punishes the wicked who do not give their thanks for their bounty. Pass the hummus. God is great!

#174: Dog Dead Afternoon

An animal-abusing man sneaks onto the property of a pit bull owner, tranquilizes the pit to steal for dog fights, and hides out in the dog's cage when a guard arrives and takes a nap. The guard eventually wakes up and investigates the open cage when doing his rounds, and though he spots the thief, he is tranquilized, as well. Before the thief can push the guard's unconscious body away from the cage door, though, the first tranquilizer wears off and The Dog Bites Back (literally), ripping out the thief's trachea.

Michael was just a dog who needed some affection. Vick was an animal who belonged in a cage. Michael and Vick: one was man's best friend. The other... the pits.

#213: Crappy Ending

A man tries to enjoy Southeast Asian sex tourism, but all that sex tourism leaves him unable to get it up when he goes to a massage parlor where the sexy masseuse starts with a happy ending. What's worse, a buzzing noise causes the frustrated masseuse to pull out an electrical wall panel, bringing out a giant Asian hornet. The man kills it, but the pheromones attract a swarm that sting him to death.

Dave was an oversexed sex tourist who went from horny to hornet to dead. Are you happy with that ending, Dave?

#439: Chain Gang Banged

Two chain gang prisoners try to escape by jumping onto the back of a truck, but they fall off, their chain gets caught on the truck's hitch, and they are dragged to death.

Mac and Billy were robbers who made a break for freedom. But for these two scum-buckets, "freedom" is just another word for "dead".

Tropes

• Tap on the Head: When a truck stops nearby, one of the pair knocks out the lone officer guarding them (the other had momentarily left to relieve himself) by elbowing him in the back of the head.

#715: Withdrawn

A bank robber places a bomb collar on himself to trick tellers into believing that he's being used as a pawn for bank robbing. When the police get called to the bank, he tries to tell the police about his situation in order to avoid possible jail time. Just as a teller leaves and unlocks her car with a remote control, she accidentally set off the C4 on the robber's collar as the collar used the same frequency.

Cop: Cancel the bomb squad, send the meat wagon.

Narrator: Roger that.

Episode 48: Death, the New Black

#147: Splat-Formed

We go back to that dangerous era known as the 1970s, where a coke dealer hits the disco and does some lines. He trips over his platform shoes and pierces his jugular on the pointy end of his male symbol necklace, bleeding out quickly due to an accelerated heart rate from dancing and the cocaine.

For T-Bone, life was just a party. He danced to the beat and put on a show. Now he's a deadbeat, and that's... fo' sho'.

#325: Who Fart-Dead?

A group of sorority pledges enters a contest to see who can stay in a boiling hot sauna the longest (the winner gets to skip Hell Week). One of the pledges eats broccoli and beans beforehand, chasing the others out with her rampant flatulence. Her victory is cut short, however, by a trifecta of second-degree burns, hyperthermia, and dehydration.

Liz was an ungrateful, stuck-up, spoiled rich kid. And now she's dead. 'Scuse me!

#237: Him-Paled

A skeevy perv who takes upskirt photos tries to get one from a long-legged girl who isn't wearing panties under her skirt. Bad thing: he does it near a construction site, so he gets caught by a construction worker who actually has respect for women and is about to kick his ass. Worst thing: a piece of rebar falls from above when another construction worker fumbles, and it swiftly pierces the pervert's chest.

Upskirting is a lowdown, dirty way to get your rocks off. Hey, Duncan, this is why the internet was invented. Loser.

#309: Jablowni

Did you know that tire sealant is flammable? Well, one jerkass bodybuilder who verbally abuses his girlfriend and hits on her friends didn't. After his girlfriend tries to blow up a pool raft, the bodybuilder decides to do the job quicker by inflating it with tire sealant. It goes off when the meatheaded jerk puts his lit cigarette on the raft, which burns a hole in the plastic and causes the entire thing to go up in flames.

Sal was crude, cruel, and brainless. His moronic death was hardly tragic; it was fortunate... for the rest of us.

Tropes

• Brainless Beauty: The narrator accuses Sal's girlfriend Mandy of being this for not dumping him, calling her "living proof of the theory that the bigger the Fake Boobs, the smaller the IQ".

#213: Ass-Hoppered

Two stoners try to start their own marijuana farm, but end up smoking it. They get the munchies, leading one to eat a grasshopper. Too bad he had a previously unknown allergy to a protein in a grasshopper's exoskeleton, causing fatal anaphylaxis.

Darryl and Eugene tried to get in on the green revolution by growing some killer weed. But then Eugene got the munchies, ate some crunchies, and wound up in the compost heap called death.

#497: Ball Sacked

A Jerkass football coach whose career is in the toilet after getting caught cheating and people protesting over his abusive training methods gets a well-deserved kick in the balls from one of his players, who had a lead insert in his cleats per his orders. He is hit with enough force to crack his pelvis and send a bone shard into his kidneys, causing sepsis and internal bleeding.

Coach Schaffer was an overbearing tyrant who thought cheating was acceptable as long as he didn’t get caught. Then he caught one right in the chops. Game over, Coach.

#306: Big Boned

Two drunks crash a beauty pageant for plus-sized women and one of them mocks the contestants. When the three finalists walk down the runway to tell him off, it collapses, and all three women (each one weighing over 300 pounds) fall on him and crush him to death.

Ya hear the one about the drunk insurance salesman? His jokes about fat... fell flat.

Episode 49: Death Be a Lady Tonight

#745: Half-Offed

A vile jerkass tries to bully a woman out of a taxicab. During the confrontation, a tow truck's loose cable catches on the cab's trunk, pins the man to the cab, and bisects him.

Ted was a major douche who badgered and bullied everyone he interacted with. Waiting your turn was for others, not him. A nicer person might've offered to share that cab; instead, Ted went... halfsies.

#459: Smoke Stalked

A man and his wife go on vacation to escape the man's Psycho Ex-Girlfriend who can't get it in her head that her ex-boyfriend is married to another woman. When the couple comes back, they find the ex-girlfriend's body in the chimney. Turns out she tried to sneak into the house a la Santa Claus but ended up stuck in the cramped space, slowly dying from dehydration and starvation.

Ashley couldn’t get over the fact that Jared chose Kate to be his wife. Ashley wanted to be the one who said, "I do, until death do us part." Well, at least she got part of that right.

#619: Sudden Death

A fantasy football fanboy starts a Bar Brawl when he tries to change channels on football games. One of the patrons breaks a glass mug over another's head, sending a shard through the fanboy's jugular and carotid.

Stelgis lived in a fantasy world where nothing matters but touchdowns, interceptions, and yards per carry. But then he got mugged by reality. Mark it down, Stelgis... you've been sacked.

#271: Raider of the Lost Narc

A junkie makes a bogus 911 call to sneak into the ambulances' garage and swipe some morphine. She drops a bottle of drugs while leaving and tries to get it, only to be crushed by the garage door as its safety shutoff switch malfunctions.

Somebody should call an ambulance.

#324: Bats All Folks

A tomb raider swipes a statue in a Chinese cave, but accidentally sets off a flock of bats and gets bit by one, contracting SARS (Sudden Acute Respiratory Syndrome) and succumbing to the illness weeks later.

Dutch chose the life of a tomb raider, but in the end, he got jones'd.

#257: Pimp My Death

A miserably married man goes to a bar and meets a woman who wants to date him. Before they have sex, however, she reveals that she's a hooker who charges $2000 a night. When the man refuses to pay, the hooker calls her Scary Black Man pimp. During the scuffle between the pimp and the john, the hooker tries to swipe money from the john's wallet, only to get accidentally shoved into a marble sink and split her head open on a corner.

Carmen was a hooker looking to hustle a john. In the end, Mike didn't get laid, but Carmen sure got screwed.

#370: Drone Boned

Two Middle Eastern terrorists are dispatched by a soldier (and former gamer) in Nevada and a missile strike from his trusty predator drone.

You often hear the phrase "He who dies with the most toys, wins". For these terrorists, it's more like "He who doesn't have the latest toys, dies".

Episode 50: Today's Special: Death

#406: Weld Done

When a woman is fired for lying about her welding credentials and incompetence on the job, she welds her boss's car doors shut, then runs for her van to make a getaway. She accidentally left the welding gear's nozzle open, flooding her van with gas that ignites when her car's electric battery sparks on.

Carly lied her way into a job, spent all her time yapping instead of working, and got canned. The only thing she was really qualified for... dying.

#450: That's a Morte!

An Italian noblewoman from the Renaissance has a chastity belt placed on her by her husband to preserve her fidelity after he catches her cheating on him for the umpteenth time. She and another suitor, after he fails to remove it with a knife, manage to slip it off in a tub of oil and water, but each time she slips it off and back on, she scratches herself on the belt's rust, eventually contracting tetanus and dying from it.

There's a lesson here: whether it's the 14th century or the 21st, infidelity can get pretty messy. Caterina couldn't keep her legs shut, and now her mouth is... forever!

#412: Gang Banged

The son of a bootlegger goes to confront his father's killers in a bathhouse. As he's about to shoot the assailants, though, he slips and fires into a steam pipe which scalds him in the face and cooks his brain.

Nicolo tried to avenge his father's death, but instead, he followed him to the grave. Yo, Nicolo! It's-a "turn the other cheek", not "burn the other cheek"!

#326: Smother-in-Law

A jealous mother-in-law gets into a spat with her daughter-in-law over her cooking and slaps the younger woman across the face. The daughter-in-law seriously considers stabbing her with her kitchen knife, but then she storms off. The mother goes to get a frozen pizza out of the freezer, but when it gets stuck and she tries to wedge it out, she accidentally tips the fridge over on top of her, crushing her while the freezer door pierces her neck.

Everyone who has a mother-in-law can sometimes find them trying. You suck it up and learn to leave each other alone. But then there's the bitch like Barbara, who's better off left for dead.

#618: DWI: Dying While Intoxicated

A divorcee gets drunk with her equally divorced and equally drunk friends and, unable to drive due to a DUI, takes a riding lawn mower to the store instead (never mind that driving any vehicle under the influence of any drug is considered a crime). She gets into a low-speed chase with the police and tries to lose them by driving on someone's lawn, but hits a rock, falls off, and can't get back up before the mower runs her over and shreds her.

By the time the cop arrived, Ms. DUI was... DOA.

#73: Vertigo, Going, Gone

An incompetent office worker and sociopath who just got fired tries to get revenge on his boss by hiding in a tree, preparing to kill her with a sniper rifle. The would-be assassin suffers a bout of vertigo caused by an allergy to oak tree pollen, misses his former boss, and drops to the ground, fracturing his skull.

Lee was an angry bird who didn't like what he heard. So he climbed a tree, and squeezed, then sneezed. It doesn't take much analysis... he died from instant paralysis.

#440: Tea Bagged

A highly inexperienced female conservative politician holds a Tea Party rally in her campaign for mayor, but all of her shouting and rabble-rousing gives her a stroke. She passes out on the sharp end of her musket's bayonet, piercing her brain.

This just in. Earlier this evening at a Midwest political rally, a candidate known as "Musket Mary" impaled herself on her bayonet. At this point, it is being called an accidental self-assassination. Stay tuned for further updates.

Tropes

• No Celebrities Were Harmed: Musket Mary so totally, absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, with utter certainty isn't Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachmann.

Episode 51: Eat, Pray, Die

#500: Ich Bin Ein Stoner

During the Dark Ages, a medieval witch hunter eats grain infected with ergot and goes insane. The other villagers suspect him of being a witch and, when a mole on his back they prick doesn't bleed (an ancient indication of witchcraft), stone him to death.

In the Dark Ages, people lived in fear of what they didn't understand. Friedrich condemned others to death based on superstitions, until he got a taste of his own medicine.

#449: Another Up the Butt Story

At a bachelor party, a horndog tries to rape a stripper who was just used as a human sushi bar. The stripper pushes the man off, and he backs into a toilet (which was having some plumbing problems) and causes it to explode by flushing it. In an inversion of the old "hooker gets killed at a bachelor party" scenario ^note (which was the plot to the obscure Black Comedy film Very Bad Things), the man slips and gets a broken piece of porcelain stuck in his ass, causing him to bleed out and die.

Jason was a pig disguised as a human being. He did his fiancée a huge favor. He turned "I do" into... "I dead".

#189: Poly-Ass-Turd

A self-help guru/con artist has a fire-walking seminar. While showing how he can walk on hot coals, he slips, falls on the coals, and ignites his polyester suit, burning him to a crisp.

Derek was a con man who exploited people's fears and insecurities. But in the end, the self-proclaimed self-help guru couldn't help... himself.

#79: Shoots & Ladders

An angry old man silences the incessant barking of his neighbor's dog with a hunting slingshot. When he goes to put the slingshot away in his attic, a screw in the ladder falls out and causes his leg to get caught in it, and he falls and cracks his skull.

Ralph was a loser who thought a long-canceled TV show was important. But he broke one of our rules and paid with his life. Don't pity dis fool!

Tropes

• Disproportionate Retribution: After asking his neighbor to quiet her dog proves fruitless, Ralph then decides to shoot it with a hunting slingshot. Of course, Laser-Guided Karma soon follows.
• The Ditz: The narrator describes Ralph's neighbor as this, and she nonchalantly brushes off Ralph's rude request to make her dog be quiet.
• Laser-Guided Karma: After shooting his neighbor's dog, Ralph falls off his attic ladder when putting the slingshot away and dies. As this happens, the narrator also makes a remark that drips with Tranquil Fury:
  Narrator: But check it out, Ralph: here on 1000 Ways to Die, we got our own book of rules. One of them says, "If any asswipe messes with one of God's creatures, be prepared for a cosmic slap... upside the head!"
• Made of Iron: The Stinger shows that the neighbor's dog survived taking a .38 steel ball from a hunting slingshot, seemingly no worse for wear.
• Shout-Out: The A-Team is explicitly named as the show Ralph watches reruns of, and the narrator does a brief Mr. T impression when closing out the segment.

#478: E-I-E-I-Oww!

Two teen delinquents on work release on a farm tease a Farmer's Daughter with a milker. One of them puts it to his chest to show how harmless it is, despite the girl's warnings... only to learn the hard way that it wasn't a milker, but a cattle bolt pistol that punches a hole in his heart.

You hear the one about the two juveniles who were forced to work release on a farm, and threatened the farmer's daughter until one of them accidentally killed himself with a cattle bolt pistol? Ha! That's a good one.

#769: Bush Defeated

A woman decides to get rid of her overgrown pubic hair once and for all by cutting it, shaving it, and waxing it. She really should have sprung for a professional wax job because the amateur job caused a tear in her labia majora that gave her necrotizing fasciitis (the flesh-eating virus). She would have gone to a doctor about it, but she had no medical insurance.

Bunny's bush was an embarrassment, so she hacked, and she whacked, and she waxed until it disappeared. But then Bunny got an infection and didn't seek treatment. And then, she disappeared.

#419: Skid Marked

Some car thieves play a game of "ghost riding the whip", where they perform tricks on a car as it drives itself. One thief tries car surfing, but falls off when the car hits a speed bump, gets his leg broken, then gets run over by the car, crushing his body and splattering his brains on the pavement.

If there's any question on why this idiot died, how about this? Go lay in front of a car and allow it to crush your testicles, your stomach, your lungs, your heart, and finally, your brain, and then get back to me.

Episode 52: Wait, Don't Tell Me - You're Dead

#804: Fire In the Hole

An idiot gets arrested as part of his Neo-Nazi superior's escape plan, carrying a grenade in his anus. The Neo-Nazi tries to pull the grenade out, but only succeeds in pulling out the pin, blowing everything up and splattering them both to bits (a la the American History X ending, but even more gruesome).

Casper was a hater. Darren was an idiot. When hatred meets stupidity, it always blows up in your... face.

#65: Somewhere Over the Railing

A prankster tries to trick a friend into sitting in a recliner rigged with an airbag for a live-streamed web show. In a scuffle, the prankster falls in the chair, gets thrown into the air by the airbag, falls off the second floor, and hits the first floor, breaking her back.

In today's high-tech lingo, Margo and Diana were "content providers". Their lives were reduced to bits and bytes stored on a server, but now Diana's content is stored six feet underground... in her grave.

Tropes

• Deadly Prank: Going by what happened to Diana, this probably would have been the outcome had her prank gone as intended.
• Hoist by His Own Petard: While Diana had planned for Margo to sit in the rigged chair, Diana's the one who's launched and killed by it.

#329: Muffed Dive

A washed-up Olympic diver takes a job as a pool bodyguard, using his job as a hunting ground for cougars, MILFs, and middle-aged divorcees. While on a date with one, he dives into the pool, hits his head on a chlorine dispenser, and dies from the head trauma.

Brandon was a bitter almost-Olympian who spent his time being a jerk and charming the local action out of their bikinis. Until one night, he scored a perfect 10 in the death dive.

#328: Treadkill

An overweight Peeping Tom spies on his good-looking neighbor while running on a treadmill. He accidentally cranks up the speed, falls, and gets his hoodie's drawstrings caught in the treadmill, choking him.

Chuck was a loser who took to spying to get off. But then, he couldn't get off his treadmill, and got the ultimate climax: death.

Tropes

• Distracted by the Sexy: Chuck is so entranced by his neighbor Stacy washing her car that he doesn't notice his treadmill getting faster.

#86: Bush Whacked 2: South of the Border

Two drug workers steal money from their boss and duck into a bush to evade capture. Too bad the bush was really firestick, an irritant that blinds them and inflames their skin, causing them to run out and get gunned down.

This is your life during a drug war. This is your ass when you steal from your boss. This is your death after you jump in a bush of firestick. Adios, amigos.

Tropes

• Artistic License – Biology: Downplayed. While firestick is native to Africa, and not Latin America where the story takes place, it has been introduced to and, survived in, many tropical regions across the globe, so it isn't too out of place.

#173: Leave It to Seizure

A pickpocketing stripper doing a cage dance under strobe lights suffers a grand mal seizure, bites off her tongue, and chokes on it.

Janelle knew how to shake it, and shakedown. But when the lights started flashing, she seized up, and then... it was lights-out.

Tropes

• Blood from the Mouth: This happens to Janelle due to her biting off her tongue while she's seizing.

#318: Dia de los Morons

Two teenaged Halloween pranksters who had finished playing with silly string decide to light a bag of dog turds on a victim's front stoop. One of them accidentally ignites the silly string on him, as well as his polyester costume, and goes down in flames.

Zack and Angela got their yuks at others' expense. Didn't they know? Tricks are for anyone under the age of sixteen. In other words, kids.

Episode 53: Death - The Gift That Lasts Forever

#591: Trip to the Maul

A cuckolding man goes to have sex with his mistress in the woods when he suffers from vasoconstriction in his eyes, rendering him blind. Panicked, he runs into the waiting paws of a hungry bear.

They say love is blind, and that may be true... but sex with a cheating husband and his buxom mistress, that's... unbearable.

#826: Gory Holed

An old geezer having cybersex in the mid-1990s (back when the Internet was somewhat new and the only way you could get it was through dial-up, which was painfully slow) with what he thinks is a girl but is really another guy bounces excitedly on his computer chair, which eventually explodes underneath him and shoots a piece of the chair up his ass.

Bernie couldn't wait for his porn to download, and then he got the shaft... from a fatal upload.

#468: Died-Zilla

A bride-to-be fresh from rehab goes on a days-long bath salts bender. When she finally gets on the altar, she collapses and dies of hyperthermia.

Katie was the bride from hell. She snorted like Scarface. She screwed like Linda Lovelace. And then she died like any other out-of-control substance abuser. I now pronounce you... dead.

#334: U.P.F'D

A former mailman starts stealing packages from people's houses — until he swipes one from a judge's mailbox that turns out to be from a terrorist who targeted the judge with a package of anthrax due to their stance on immigration. The former mailman gets a faceful of it and dies a few days later.

Larry thought his larceny was harmless, but then he stole the wrong box, and wound up returned to sender.

#992: I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

A man with fatal familial insomnia (a rare genetically inherited brain defect that makes it physically impossible for the sufferer to sleep) accidentally kills a man with his car. Rather than turn himself in for vehicular manslaughter, he goes to a sleep clinic for help, but guilt from killing the man only makes his insomnia worse. He eventually succumbs to a stroke from staying awake for months on end.

After 2 months of no sleep, after being haunted day and night, a massive stroke put an end to his living nightmare and sent him to the Hell he deserved.

#325: Kitchen Sunk

A Dreadful Musician with a huge beard reluctantly goes to fix a clogging sink at his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend's insistence. Not knowing what to do, he tries turning on the garbage disposal, which catches on his beard, pulls his face into the sink's water, and drowns him.

Angus was a perfect storm of stupidity. He had no idea how bad his music was, then realized his girlfriend was ready to dump him, and he had no clue how to fix a clogged sink. The only thing he did know... was how to die.

#460: Blast Call

A construction worker looking for quick cash dares bar patrons to hit his chest with darts. He proceeds to get so drunk that he falls to the ground, knocks loose a blasting cap on a stick of dynamite in his pocket, and blows up, his body severed in half.

Ned was a stupid drunk. He ran out of cash and he used his fat gut as collateral. In the end, he wound up paying for those drinks... out his ass.

Episode 54: Death: One Size Fits All

#190: Handi-Crapped

A detestable office worker rides around in a scooter and a neck brace threatening to sue the company for an accident he incurred on the job. When one coworker discovers that he's been faking his injuries, she goes to the boss to rat him out. The man goes berserk, gives chase, tries to get into an elevator before it closes, fails, tries to ram into the elevator, and only succeeds in falling down the elevator shaft.

Trevor thought he'd get a big payday by faking an injury. But then he got exposed and took the express car to hell. Going down.

#293: Frost-Dead

An incompetent cryopreservationist buys the farm after breathing in liquid nitrogen from a tube he knocks loose and asphyxiating due to hypoxia.

If anyone deserved to die, it was John. He promised immortality but made sure his clients would end up dead. That's pretty damn cold, don't you think?

#242: Slippery When Dead

A hot-headed hot-oil wrestler who shamelessly cheats in her match defeats a challenger, slips, falls, and pierces her brain on the pointy end of an old-timey boxing ring bell.

Nobody likes a cheater, except in the slippery world of oil-wrestling chicks. Mariah was ready to baste her latest opponent, but then, she got... greased.

Tropes

• Cheaters Never Prosper: Though Mariah utilizes such tricks as biting, eye-gouging, hair-pulling, and punches below the belt, she ends up biting it thanks to some Laser-Guided Karma in the form of a spiked bell.
• Lampshade Hanging: After Mariah's death, the host asks, "Whose idea was it to put a spike on this bell?!"

#163: Driver's Dead

An angry driving instructor scares a student into reporting him. Frustrated, he hits the steering column hard enough to deploy its airbag, hitting him in the neck with enough force to cave in his windpipe.

Wallace was a burned-out driver's ed teacher. Maybe by dying, he finally got the peace he needed... There's no parallel parking in heaven, is there?

#881: Slayer Cake

An incompetent baker is fired by his sister-in-law. Before he leaves, he vandalizes several cakes with crude and shocking messages. As he heads out, he meets his maker after he slips and falls on a cake-decorating syringe that pumps his heart full of frosting, causing it to explode.

If Elias was a cake, his recipe would be a layer of dirty, another of clumsy, topped off with a thick frosting of bad attitude. In the end, he got his... just desserts.

#240: Miner Injuries

A mining foreman with no sympathy for his workers is left alone when they smell methane and flee. The boss tries to mine, by himself, but the sparks he creates sets off the methane, causing rocks to fall on him.

Travis died from severe hemorrhaging. But no need for a funeral. He's already six-thousand feet under.

#785: My Chemical Romance

A couple of con artists swipe barrels of toxic waste. The boyfriend feels uneasy about dumping them and makes the girlfriend dump them instead after one insult too many, but she trips over an old toilet and gets a face (and lungs) full of waste.

Carly and Bob were toxic offenders. In the end, they learned their lesson: it's not nice to pollute Mother Nature.

Tropes

• Futile Hand Reach: Both of the couple do this before Carly succumbs.

Episode 55: Death by Request (The Deathies)

This episode is a special parody award show-cum-Clip Show, picking out the best deaths seen on the show so far. The winners were as follows:

• Sexiest Death: "Washed and Fried" (Episode 20)
• Best Historical Death: "Back Stabbed" (Episode 26)
• Best Death During Sex: "Ass Phyxiated" (Episode 14)
• Cosmic Karma: "Steward-Death" (Episode 39)
• Worst Sexual Pervert: "Vom-Ate-Dead" (Episode 30)
• Best Sports Death: "Dead Eye" (Episode 5)
• Dumbest Druggie: "Em-Bear-Assed" (Episode 4)
• Dumbest Death: "Boys 2 Dead" (Episode 25)
• Most Painful Death: "Bad Max" (Episode 30)
• Deathiest Death: "Titty Titty Bang Bang" (Episode 13)

Episode 56: Deadliest Kitsch

#642: Bull-Heavia

A dictator who denounces the United States due to its decadence is ironically actually the country's number one fan and has a secret playroom filled with American memorabilia, including a mechanical bull. He tries to ride it, but his assistant doesn't know how to work the controls. The dictator gets thrown off and is impaled on a model of the Washington Monument.

Javez’s love for America was strange but misguided. In the land of the free, he was one more dead guy.

#241: Hose Whipped

A security guard who wants to be a cop (but failed the police academy exam) uses a hose to break up a protest outside of a pharmaceutical company that does animal testing. As he's getting the sexy protesters wet, the hose slips from his fingers, knocks him to the ground, and clobbers him in the head, killing him with fatal blunt-force trauma.

Lenny was a frustrated rent-a-cop who thought he was a badass. All it took was some protesters, a hose, and a shattered skull to put him in his place... a very dead place.

#820: Suffer-Cated

A bicyclist (who so totally, absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, with utter certainty, unambiguously isn't Lance Armstrong) uses an altitude tent to oxygenate his red blood cells and give himself more endurance for an upcoming race. His ex-girlfriend's neglected dog takes his water bottle, accidentally shutting off the oxygen in the process. The bicyclist awakes in terror, tips the tent over with the door down, and suffocates to death.

In the end, Floyd went bye-bye. And Lance? He just lapped it up.

#307: Rocked Out

A lecherous rock-climbing instructor who likes to grope and ogle skinny female climbers has to help an overweight man climb a wall. He gets Distracted by the Sexy and fails to notice a cord going around his neck until it's choking him. He cuts it off, but causes his fat student to fall on him and crush him.

Evan thought he was God's gift to women, and then God gave him a gift: a 250-pound, neck-breaking Terry. Say thank you, Evan. Evan?

#917: Chicken Boned

A group of teens play a game of chicken (where two or more people do something dangerous and the one who pulls out first is "chicken." Usually, the game is played with cars). One challenges the others to hold a lit firecracker in their mouths. The kid issuing the challenge accidentally swallows his firecracker and blasts a hole in his windpipe.

A wise man once said: "Youth comes but once in a lifetime". Seth also learned the same lesson about death.

#508: Toe Jammed

A janitor with a fetish for unconscious women's feet uses his night shift to give sleeping, sedated, and comatose women pedicures. He accidentally lets a tray hit a coma patient's knee, causing a literal knee-jerk reaction, kicking him in the face and jamming a foot-shaped lollipop he had in his mouth into his throat.

Gunther worked the night shift to satisfy his foot fetish. What finally stopped him was a sleeping beauty... who gave him a sucker punch.

#260: Down With the Clown

A birthday party clown who has been sending hate mail to horror-core group Infernal Clown Posse plans to crash one of their concerts. One of the members of ICP hits him in the head with a bottle of pop and knocks him out. He recovers and tries to pull the plug on ICP's equipment, but ends up electrocuting himself (soda is very conductive of electricity, thanks to its high salt content).

Narrator: Funny Eddie went down with a frown. He didn't realize that it takes all kinds of clowns to make the world go 'round.
ICP: In! Yo! Face!

Episode 57: Grave Decisions

#819: Sneeze Bag

A campaign manager working for a candidate who is running for mayor drugs him and plots to destroy his good name by claiming that he had sex with her. When she drags him out in front of the press, however, the flashing lights of the cameras trigger her photic sneeze reflex (she suffered from a condition called "A.C.H.O.O. Syndrome"), causing her to sneeze so much she bursts blood vessels.

Melissa played Stone like a pro. She set him up to knock him down. But then she went down. God bless you... bitch.

#273: As-Capped

An angry former record producer (who so totally, absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, with utter certainty, unambiguously, positively isn't Phil Spector) tries to murder his former employees who now play in his nursing home (because he cheated them out of royalty money in their glory days and now have no money to live on), but his palsy acts up, causing him to accidentally shoot his own oxygen tank and blow himself to bits.

Arthur screwed everyone he ever worked with. But in the end, he gave Jerry and the Antrix an ending to their song.

#295: Cat Fight on a Hot Tin Roof

A woman with a hair-trigger temper yells at another woman who allegedly took her parking spot. When she goes to attack her, she trips and stabs herself in the stomach on the other car's pointed hood ornament.

Brenda thought she was the toughest girl in the 'hood, then she landed on the hood, and realized she didn't have a lot of guts after all.

#109: Heart Beatdown

In the 1950s, a mentally unstable killer is given electroshock therapy to curb his psychosis while doing time at a psychiatric hospital. He pretends to be catatonic and holds a nurse hostage while making an escape, but the repeated electric shocks have taken a toll on his heart, and, before he can get out, he dies of cardiac arrest.

Charles was a bad guy who thought he could beat his shock treatment. But then his heart took a pounding and then it stopped... beating.

#244: Chain on You

A motocross racer sabotages her rival's bike chain. During the race, the chain snaps and digs itself into the saboteur's neck.

Leslie would do anything to make it in the highly competitive world of motocross, even cheat. But in the end, she was a little too... cutthroat.

#700: This Just In...My Chest

A vain news reporter tries to make a name for himself by reporting out in the middle of a hurricane, only to get Impaled with Extreme Prejudice by a mailbox.

Joe won't be delivering any more news. He's feeling a bit... under the weather.

#548: Therm-Assed

A teenager who's very bored at a Christian summer camp (which her parents forced her to go to because of her behavior) spikes her group's dinner with ecstasy as a prank. While everyone's tripping balls, the girl chokes on some soot from a campfire. She tries to clear her throat with water from a thermos, which turns out to be boiling hot and scorches her epiglottis, causing her to choke and die.

Michelle thought she could play a little joke on her religious friends. But, just as they were all about to see God, Michelle went to meet Him... personally.

Episode 58: Dirt Nap

#350: Harmored Car

Two robbers take over an armored car and get into a gunfight with the police. One of the robbers is shot by the police, but survives due to the bulletproof vest he was wearing. However, the force of the bullet causes him to stumble backwards and hit the backdoor of the armored car just as his partner peaks his head out. The door breaks the partner's neck.

The botched robbery attempt got Tyrone life in prison. His cowardly partner Eddie got a stiffer sentence: death.

#915: Bush Whacked 3: Waxed Off

An angry spa patron is offered a free bikini wax. A waxing strip on her snatch catches fire and sets off an emergency sprinkler, which causes the angry patron to die from a rare, allergic reaction to water, which causes her to break out in hives and her throat to swell shut.

Nancy was a one-in-a-million harpy. She was 1 in 23 million who have this extreme reaction to water. When you add it all up, it amounts to one very angry, very melted... witch.

#294: You've Got Dead Male

Two vandals taking whacks at mailboxes with a bat from a car come across a reinforced mailbox (from an old metal shop worker who was terrorized by the teens before) that won't break. One of the vandals keeps taking whacks at it until the bat breaks and sends a splinter right into his heart.

Vandalism is a senseless act of destruction. Jasper thought it was funny. But in the end, he wasn't laughing... he was dead!

#634: Shop 'Til You Drown

A personal shopper who shills counterfeit clothes is kicked out by a client's husband (who lost a substantial amount of money because of the current economic slump). As the personal shopper leaves, she falls into the backyard pool, gets trapped in its tarp cover, and drowns.

Cecilia was a parasite who sucked money like it was blood. Then one day, she sucked too hard and wound up... liquidated.

#290: De-Faced

A deadbeat husband warms up a brand-new snowblower in his enclosed garage, passes out from a lack of oxygen (and being drunk), and gets his face shredded by it.

A drunk Wilbur was preparing for the harsh Minnesota winter. It turned into a face-off. Wilbur lost, and his face... came off.

#630: Ex'd Ex

A couple enjoying a hayride are surprised by a stalking ex dressed as an ax murderer. The new boyfriend punches him off, and he gets crushed by the tractor's wheels.

Sarah broke Morgan's heart by choosing Patrick to be her man. This drove Morgan into a jealous rage. In the end, he chose a strange way to... spill his guts.

#730: Colon-Gross-Opy

A Lad-ette living with two other guys tries to get an edge in a farting contest by spraying a can of whipped cream up her ass. The nitrous oxide gas in the can freezes and destroys her intestines.

Sandra was a tomboy who tried to go toe-to-toe with the guys. But when it came time to let it rip, she filled it up and blew out her own... gas-ket.

Episode 59: Death Takes a Vacation

#272: Velvet Dope

An ex-con bouncer fights with a patron he refused to let into a club because he wasn't rich or sexy. He shoves the patron into a support pole for an awning, causing it to snap and fall, impaling the bouncer's head.

The club scene can be exasperating, unfair and for an agro-bouncer like Benny... deadly.

#965: Bull-Shido

Disgraced over the death of his bandmate from episode 36, and the realization that he's an untalented loser, the Japanese rock star who killed his bandmate commits seppuku: he slices his abdomen open with a dagger while another bandmate finishes the job with a decapitation.

Kioshi was a bad musician. but as a samurai, he could really... cut it.

#899: Batter Upped

A food vendor at a carnival gives chase after a woman he tried to seduce but gets batter dumped on his head. He hits a pole and falls face-first into a deep fryer.

Okay, guys. Here's some dating advice: Deep-fried foods are a no-no, and not every girl wants you... and most importantly, no does mean no. Got it?

#771: Caught in a Lye

A chemical plant worker in the Czech Republic tries to bamboozle safety inspectors into thinking his plant is up to code, but they spot a leaky pipe. He tries to close it, but the pipe bursts and covers him in toxic waste.

Andris was a toxic criminal, who knowingly destroyed the environment. When he got caught, instead of telling the truth, his "lye" came right up in his face.

#614: Dead on Arrival

A drug runner (who eerily looks like Russell Brand) tries to sneak LSD through an airport by absorbing it into his tie-dyed shirt. His perspiration causes the acid to get absorbed into his system, enough to fry his brain and demolish his heart and arteries, but not before rambling and making a scene at airport security.

Garcia was a drug smuggler who wanted the whole world to trip out on his homemade LSD. But then he screwed up, and wound up taking the ultimate trip... death.

#211: Dead Mime ☺

An obnoxious mime chokes on a pickle he eats for lunch. No one helps him as he dies because they think it's part of his act.

Marcello may very well have been the world's most obnoxious mime... but he finally got a crowd with his new routine called, "I'm not pretending to choke on a pickle! I really am! And, now I'm... dead!"

#556: Her Own Damn Fault!!!

A horny housewife tries to seduce her husband's boss when he and his wife come to visit. The boss's wife sends a tennis ball at her head and knocks her dizzy, causing her to accidentally release the tennis net and braining her with the lever.

Kimberly was an embarrassment to her husband and everyone else. But then, fate had an ace in the hole. And it became game... set... match made in Hell.

Episode 60: Wild Wild Death

#644: Teller She's Dead

A bank teller performs an inside job with a friend and locks herself in a vault to make it look like the robber put her in there. The friend sets off the vault's fire extinguishers so the police can rescue the teller. Unbeknownst to them, the extinguishers are rigged with CO2, snuffing out anything inside, from fires to human life.

Sarah came up with a foolproof plan for some easy money. But in this case, a fool and her money were easily departed.

#106: Super Zero

An overzealous nerd takes to being the town superhero and tries to apprehend some potheads on a roof. However, he ends up tripping over his cape, causing him to fall and crack his skull on the pavement.

Andy thought if you dress and act like a superhero, you actually become one. But when he put those superpowers to the test, Red Justice didn't fly, he fell.

#520: Branched Out

A guy tries to go viral with videos of some girls with guns. A shell casing falling into one girl's cleavage causes her to freak out and fire her Uzi all over the place, shooting off a branch that falls through the dude's heart.

Deacon thought he jumped on the "girls and guns" internet bandwagon. He could make some serious cash if he got enough hits. But then he got a hit... he wasn't looking for.

#726: Dough!!!

A pervert baker who's been sexually harassing a coworker challenges her to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon (the infamous "cinnamon challenge"): if she can do it, he'll stop harassing her, but if she can't, then she has to go on a date with him. She coughs it back up in his face, causing him to stumble towards a dough mixer. His tie gets caught in the machine, and his head is pulled into the mixer's blades and crushed.

In the end, Cindy lucked out. She lost the cinnamon challenge, but avoiding going out with her pig boss Bob. He already had a date... with death.

#593: Cham-Pained

An art thief kicks off an auction for her loot with some champagne. The bottle's cork hits her in the eye, gouging it and causing her to fall into a pyramid of champagne glasses, fatally lacerating her body (including her brachial artery).

With $8,000 worth of crystal embedded in her body, Heather went from toasting to toast. When it came time for her to toast, she went bottoms up. Cheers.

#105: Backseat Die-er

A grossly incompetent paramedic trips balls on nitrous oxide, then shocks himself with a defibrillator.

Omar was an incompetent doofus. Thank God that before he could do harm to a patient, he pulled his own plug.

#443: Blogged Artery

A blogger who blogs about sex-capades with rock stars fails to net a rock star and, desperate for stuff to share with followers, uses a vacuum cleaner to make a hickey. The vacuum causes a blood clot to form and give her a fatal stroke.

Bonnie thought her sex blog would bring her fame and fortune... But in the end, she went from "Under the Covers" to "Six Feet Under".

2012

Episode 61: Death Penalties

#496: Recep-Shunned

A groom attempts to confront a Jerkass wedding singer, who has been acting inappropriately throughout the wedding reception. The best man tries to defuse the situation. In the scuffle, the best man accidentally shoves a microphone down the singer's throat, causing him to suffocate to death.

Wedding receptions are supposed to be fun. Sandy got wasted, and turned this one into a nightmare. Oh well. Time to cut the cake?

#874: Dyin' Maiden

A spy in the French Revolution is discovered by a magistrate whom she tried to rob, and is sentenced to death by iron maiden (an iron casket with spikes on the inside).

When the doors opened... Clara was dead. For her, the revolution is over. Au revoir, Clara.

#358: Teri-Yucky

A busboy at a Benihana-style restaurant plays around with the head chef's knives after hours, tossing one up into the air and accidentally cutting a rope holding up a giant Buddha head. The head falls on him and pins him to a hot grill, grilling him alive.

Iyoki wanted to be a master chef, but without all the training. Hey Iyoki, you can't take the heat, don't get knocked out by a giant Buddha and fry your face off, you dummy!

#950: No Guts...All Gory

A mugger tries to hold up a diving equipment vendor and gets stabbed. When the mugger tries to pull it out, his guts explode. While it's not wise to attack an armed mugger, in this case, it saved the vendor's life, as the knife was a Wasp Knife, normally used to stab sharks during deep-sea explorations and filled with carbon dioxide, which causes the victim to fill with gas and burst like a balloon.

Jason was a hardcore criminal who spent a long day sticking it to a long list of unsuspecting victims. But at the end of the day, he never came clean, but he definitely spilled his guts.

#24: She-Manned

A female bodybuilding dominatrix partakes in muscle relaxers and booze while bathing. On this occasion, she almost drowns, but survives. When she goes to crush a watermelon between her thighs for her best customer, she succumbs to dry drowning as a result of her earlier brush with death.

The burly and not-very-girly Lydia got paid off by making wimpy men get off. When she stupidly mixed drugs with alcohol, Lydia started flapping like a beached whale, and drowned on dry land.

#445: Apocalypse Harley

In a "what if" scenario, an actor is targeted by a hitman. When the assassin confronts the actor, the latter snorts cocaine and breaks out his machete. He ends up doing the assassin's job for him, though, when he falls on his own blade.

Success in Hollywood is fleeting. But when it happens, people often become egotistical monsters. Let Harley's fictional demise be a lesson to all wannabe stars - If you make it to the top, it's a long fall to the bottom. And the landing hurts like a bitch.

Tropes

• No Celebrities Were Harmed: Harley so totally- OK, you get the idea- isn't Charlie Sheen, and the Hollywood Hitman so totally isn't Marlon Brando as Colonel Kurtz.

Episode 62: Die-abestic

#215: Spit-ill

A thieving kissing booth worker jumps at the chance to lock lips with her high school crush, who was the star pitcher of the baseball team. Too bad for her, he's been chewing sunflower seeds, which she's fatally allergic to.

Louise was a bad girl. Stealing money for charity was wrong. She paid for her sins with her life after swallowing some guy's... seed.

#462: Tow F. U.

A scheming tow truck driver sets up no parking signs and overcharges people who park near them. On this occasion, he hooks up the tow hook to a victim's steering rod instead of the car's tow link, snapping it off and causing the flying tow hook to crack open his skull.

Dave was a douche who got a big kick out of taking car owners for a run, but then he screwed up and got a big kick in the head.

#296: Tipping Point

Two waitresses at a failing sports bar fight over who gets to serve the town softball team after a big game. One falls onto a spiked receipt holder and punctures her breast implant and heart, and dies of blood loss after pulling it out.

It was the dead zone at Pink Peaks. Then, business picked up. In the end, Kerry beat up Sherry on the table. I don't think that was the tip she was looking for. Check, Please!!

#554: Dead Fixe

A caustic food critic bites off a piece of a toothpick while partaking of a martini olive. The toothpick piece gets stuck in his stomach and kills him days later from peritonitis.

Sebastian loved sticking it to other restaurants, until Café Fate served him a dish called... death.

#280: Dead Necked

An obnoxious kid throws a hillbilly themed party for his country cousin (despite being from Alabama, the country cousin is a law school valedictorian) and tries to deep fry a frozen turkey. Steam under the turkey causes it to shoot out of the barrel of oil like a cannonball and hit the kid in the face, causing cartilage from his nose to get jammed in his brain.

Cannon's redneck party was an insultingly bad joke. Amos took it in good humor. In the end, it was Cannon who cried... fowl.

#366: Strang-Girled

A cheating wife swipes her husband's neck massager for herself. The massager catches on her necklace and strangles her.

Liz was a two-timing sexaholic. She didn't care if it was man or machine, as long as it did the trick, but then, right before she died, she realized, the "choke" was on her.

#94: Pop and Lox

During a 1980s dance battle, a white breakdancer succumbs to SADS (Sudden Arrhythmatic Death Syndrome) from the deep bass from the boomboxes knocking her heartbeat out of sync.

Sister Shmear tried to talk the talk, but in the end, it was the beat... that beat her.

Episode 63: Star Death: The Last Generation

#453: Cat Got Your Life

A Crazy Cat Lady makes her cats mate so she can drink their milk. Too bad for her, the cats had been eating white snakeroot in her garden, which is toxic to humans.

You could say that Janice's decision to drink her pets' milk was a complete...cat-astrophe!

#182: Homie Invasion/Homie's Dead

A burglar breaks into a house. The man of the house goes to fend him off, but he gets clocked with a baseball bat and falls off the balcony. His wife tries to save him with CPR, but it's too late: he's dead...

On a hot summer night, a husband met a thief. Vince got away with the goods, but Brad went away for good.

...BUT!, just as the story ends with the "Way to Die #" screen, the announcer goes back and reveals that the man who allegedly died has a condition called "Lazarus Syndrome," which causes him to come back from his short time of being dead. He goes to confront the burglar and the burglar, scared shitless by the supposedly dead man, falls off the same balcony and cracks his skull open on the cobblestone path below.

There'll be no resurrecting you, Vince. Ya rat bastard.

#446: Kara-Chokey

A Yakuza boss severs an underling's finger for botching a karaoke song, and swallows it whole, which causes him to choke on it. Another lackey saves him with the Heimlich maneuver... for all of a moment or two: his incorrect use of the maneuver causes a rupture in the oyabun's aortic valve.

For the Yakuza, respect is everything. Jim screwed up by getting drunk. But in the end, it was the Black Wolf who got fingered.

#152: Photo-Dead-Ick

A supermodel on a photo shoot passes out from a combination of anorexia, cocaine use, and heat exhaustion from her body paint preventing her from sweating. She falls and impales her eye on a light post.

Supermodels are a different breed. They're skinnier than the rest of us, prettier, and in Isabel's case... deader.

#330: Paper or Spastic

An extremely childishly obnoxious and petulant grocery store shopper (suffering from "Little Emperor's Syndrome" as she was an only child in a Chinese family and was spoiled rotten) throws a tantrum when the clerk and manager tell her that they don't take checks for purchases. When they finally relent, karma does her in when the scarf she planned on shoplifting gets stuck in the checkout conveyor belt and strangles her, putting her reign of terror to an end.

Lindy barreled her way through life as if the world owed her a favor, but then the gods of karma did us a favor by removing her from this world.

#529: Hydrate-Dead

A hyper-competitive marathon runner chugs water and exercises hard in order to beat a rival, but collapses and dies from fatal encephalitis caused by drinking too much water.

Christine was an A-type who thought life was a game. She definitely won the water drinking competition, but lost in the life event.

#232: Nine Inch Nailed

Three goofballs fooling around when they should be working at a trash dump roll downhill in an old tire. When one of them tries to launch off a ramp, it collapses, causing a nail to poke the tire and pierce his spinal cord.

Mortality can be a real bitch. Clark lost his life, and Matt... his mind.

Episode 64: Death - Putting the "Fun" in "Funeral"

#711: Spastic Surgery

A woman who had gastric bypass surgery forces her husband to divorce her, as she doesn't love him anymore and she wants to use her new, slim look to get a new man. During the spat, her coughing causes a pair of forceps that was left in her after the surgery to sever several major vessels in her torso and eventually come bursting out of her gut.

Katrina's new body turned her nasty. The doctor screwed up. But in the end, you could really say Katrina's self-obsession was the real instrument of death.

Tropes

• Blood from the Mouth: As Katrina collapses onto the table, she starts to cough up blood.
• Clueless Mystery: The segment teases at a few possibilities for who's responsible for Katrina's death (her husband, the waiter, or a possible secret lover), before the forceps rising out of her stomach reveals that it was the plastic surgeon's fault.
• In Medias Res: The segment begins with Katrina dying, before rewinding to show How We Got Here.

#191: Rhymes with "Rich"

A gold-digging personal trainer trying to seduce an old retiree out of his money (to his wife's chagrin) tries to lift a heavy barbell clean-and-jerk style. She ends up collapsing, with the barbell falling on, and breaking, her neck.

Jenny played rich men for fools. She went mining for gold, but then it all collapsed under the weight of her own greed.

#258: Less is Mormon

A polygamist and his cult members give chase after a runaway bride. The polygamist triggers a trap that shoves a bed of spikes into his body.

Kether was a mean old goat who got his shriveled rocks off by abusing women. Karen was smart enough to run, Kether was good enough... to die. Thanks... brother.

#689: Wine and Die

A Swedish exchange student goes with a nerd to a vineyard (which has been shut down for the season) for drinks and fun. The two go swimming in a fermentation vat and asphyxiate on carbon dioxide.

This is a story about a horny virgin and a beautiful Swede. They drank some wine, then climbed in a wine vat. But, instead of getting it on... they got offed.

#420: Die-Rect TV

A squatter tries to steal his neighbors' cable after he could no longer watch TV when the signal switched from analog to digital. He falls down the fire escape and impales himself through the mouth on a screwdriver he held between his teeth.

Philip tried to steal someone's cable so he could watch 1000 Ways to Die. But stealing cable TV is wrong. In the end, he wound up providing 1000 Ways to Die a good story. Thanks... Philip.

#944: Dead Light Green Light

A scalper is chased by an angry customer after he gave the latter fake tickets. He runs out onto the street and gets hit by a SUV, even though the light was green (the traffic light got short-circuited by a slug).

Steve was a slimebag counterfeiting scalper, Mr. Slug was just trying to keep from burning up. When Steve and the slug crossed paths, the scalper got his ticket punched.

#346: Extinguished

An angry dodgeball player who never made it big in sports due to failed drug tests attempts to hose his teammates with a fire extinguisher. The extinguisher is faulty, though, and explodes, jamming the handle in his heart.

For angry Andre, life was a game to be won at all costs. But as soon as he picked up that fire extinguisher, his life went into sudden death.

Episode 65: Sor-Dead Affair

#911: Penis de Milo

A sex-starved sculptor has sex with a statue he made after his wife leaves him. When he finishes up, though, he finds he can't pull his penis out because he made the statue's vagina too small. In his struggle to free himself, he falls off the table, as does the statue, right on his chest.

Marcel's demise offers a lesson about these guys: real or not, they got us by the short hairs.

#143: Bad Laps

A former drill sergeant teaching swimming to plus-sized women cranks up the pool's temperature and promises to turn it back down if any of the students can outrace him. He succeeds in beating the students, but dies of hyperthermia due to his wetsuit trapping his body heat.

Let this be a lesson to all you fitness freaks: Take it slow, and easy... or you might wind up like Stu: dead in the water.

#181: Pris-un-done

An inmate takes a prison guard hostage with a shiv during a prison riot. When one of the guards fires tear gas at him, the canister hits the inmate's throat, collapsing his windpipe.

Prison life can be pretty brutal, especially with brutes like Spider. He tried to bust out, but wound up... lights out.

#225: Xmas-turbator

A Christmas-hating blowhard sets up a large, obnoxious Yuletide light display on his house, which includes a massive stereo player. When he turns it on, he slips off his roof and gets caught on a wire. With his sound system drowning out his cries for help, he tries to free himself, but the swinging causes him to hit his head on the house repeatedly and suffer fatal brain damage.

Every year, Ned turns a holiday into a living hell, until fate finally stepped in... and pulled his plug.

#571: Polly Want to Crack Your Spine?

While making out with her boyfriend, a housesitter attempts to feed a cockatoo in order to keep it from squawking. She inadvertently sets the cockatoo free, and it flies onto the roof. When she tries to retrieve it, she falls off the balcony and through a glass table, breaking it and severing her carotid.

Narrator: Lindsey lied to get into people's houses, but after she lost the homeowner's cockatoo, fate stepped in... and flipped her the bird.
Cockatoo: (squawks) You're dead!

#393: Deep Sleep (Walk)

If you suffer from sleepwalking, maybe a houseboat isn't a good place to live (especially if you can't swim). One woman finds this out the hard way when she sleepwalks to get chocolate, falls off the pier, and drowns before she can wake up.

Jessica was a sleepwalker, a sleep eater, and a sleep drowner. Too bad she didn't live in the desert.

#1000: Premature Endings

In a hospital filled with idiots, Jerkasses, and perverts all suffering from fatal injuries and illnesses caused through no fault other than their own, an unharmed woman blithely strides through the chaos and visits her father, who has had a rich, full life, was an upstanding citizen, and had the love of his friends and family, as he passes away from natural causes. The narrator closes out by saying that a Sadist Show like this does have An Aesop underneath all the Family-Unfriendly Death:

In the end, the choice is yours. You can be a total moron, die a victim of your own stupidity, and wind up on our show, or live a long and sensible life, and go home and watch it. All this time, 1000 Ways to Die has been an instructional manual... for how to live.

Episode 66: Locked and Low Dead

#612: Gone Green

A socialite hosts a St. Patrick's Day party to show off a fancy green dress she swiped from a vintage shop. During the party, everyone gets drunk, pukes on her, douses her in booze, and passes out. The following day, everyone awakens to find she's turned green (literally). She then pukes green sludge and dies of organ failure, due to the toxic Paris Green dye seeping into her body (the dress she had on was made during a time when Paris Green dye — mostly used in rat poison — was also used to make green dresses bright and vibrant).

Sharon had no scruples. And she had no marbles. But she found that even on St. Patty's Day, it ain't easy... being green.

#374: Dead Kacynski

A conspiracy theorist goes off the grid and lives in a forest shack, using car batteries as a power source. When he uses the batteries to power a mimeograph, the poorly-grounded batteries explode, causing several fractures and acid burns.

Dalen's dream of becoming the next Unabomber turned into a... Una-bummer.

#228: Die Jump

An actress doing a commercial shoot for the Olympics has to show she can do a high jump to her boss. She clears the bar, but misses the mat and hits the ground. She seems okay as she gets back up, but gets knocked over by a track runner, breaking her weakened back from missing the mat and severing her spinal cord.

Jessi would sleep with anyone for a part. She used her good looks and hot body as a sexual commodity, but then her stock crashed and she got... wiped out.

#107: Cop Out

A corrupt cop supervising delinquents doing community service gets high on paint thinner fumes and goes nuts. He threatens the teens with a gun, but drops it. When he picks it up, its fires off into his brain.

A bad cop is a blight upon society. They're supposed to serve and protect, not use and abuse. Officer Dan did everyone a favor by taking himself out.

#914: Lazy Bumday

A Fat Bastard pretending to be a Gulf War vet (riding around in a rascal to sell his story, as well as because his ankles broke under his weight) finds that he has maggots in his infected bed sores. He freaks out and dies, not from the maggots, but from his poor diet and slovenly lifestyle.

Pretty dumb way to die, but in Harry’s case, beggars can’t be choosers, ya maggot!

#246: White Wetting

A druggie enjoying cigarettes laced with PCP is chased through a grocery story by a security guard. He slips into a stack of beer kegs and gets his skull crushed.

Elroy destroyed his mind, and then a supermarket, and finally himself.

#631: Sun Burnt

A jerkass geek builds a laser out of a satellite dish covered in tin foil to incinerate bugs. He tries cooking a can of beans with the laser, but it explodes and knocks him out, his head falling in the path of his homemade laser, burning a hole in his skull and liquifying his brain.

Lionel thought killing things was fun. But in the end, we got to have all the fun... watching him die.