We start Episode 2: Attack of the Moans (as in moaning about why the show's still on at this point) with a candlelight vigil for the ex-ND members' neighbors' friend who got gay-bashed and is hospitalized. See, we thought this episode was going to be about a party, like a birthday bash. It was, instead, about being gay-bashed. We can tell this because a song from Into the Woods, all the little rainbow flags, and Sam's discomfort. Yes folks, this is another "message" episode, and though the heart is always in the right place, the execution makes us sad, then makes us hit the Artifact Title Card.
We see Funny Girl producer Sidney inform the cast and crew that the next two weeks are tech runs and previews and that everyone needs to be at their best. However, there is one amongst them who, as we are all too aware, tends to believe she's the exception. As we've sorta glossed over, Rachel is pulling a double, FG and NYADA, and Madame Tibedeaux is calling for a Midwinter Critique, which is a two-hour conflict. Of course, due to Glee's allergy to reality, she gets him to let her. Because Rachel. Face Palm. From there, we get to watch the teenage male of the specific denomination grad without a plan in its natural habitat: eating cereal and watching TV in the middle of the night. At Mercedes' place, we find Sam re-running The Facts of Life (lesbians and drugs, plus Sony actually let Murphy have audio so rare kudos). This awoke the sleeping Jones so she joins him as we learn that Blaine used to read him Star Wars Fan Fiction to help him get to sleep, we of course cutting to an example, with a Lucas Take That! to boot. Now that that's stopped, he needs something else crappy to make what tiny brains he has want to shut down for the night. So how about we find out just why Mercedes "broke up" with him. The answer is that they never dated, he kissed her while she was still with Shane, she ended it with both of them. She then reminds him he's had almost all the other ND girls, except for one, that's reserved for next season. She doesn't wanna be a notch on a bedpost, lack of actual coupling aside. And then she literally jumps on him. Huh. It's official, at the very least, the sex appeal of the Agron, Rivera, and Morris is forever effective. Cut to Bushwick, where everyone has gathered to discuss rising hate crimes in New York and the NYADA midwinter critique while Samcedes plays footsie. Rachel and Blaine decide that they have got to do a duet, and Madame Tibideaux has given them a challenge: Sondheim. This episode is sort-of a tribute to Sondheim, minus Mercedes' songs because hell to the no. From there, we cut to under the Brooklyn Bridge where Sam makes a wish by throwing coins into the East River. Because (sigh). He of course wishes they were together, and then of course is told you can't throw things into the East River. Another Face Palm. After critiquing her fake fur, which she promptly throws into the water because huh?, Sam insists they are perfect together. Trouty, are you sure, or are you just holding on to sixteen as long as you can because you're sorta floating at the moment? Mercedes sends him back to her place with ground rules; namely he stays on the couch. Then, because she's near a carousel, and Aretha is sung best when riding carnival rides, we cue up her Signature Song, accompanied by choreographed carousel riding and musicians because why not? The obvious music video spot ends as we go to break.
We return to find Mercedes at dinner with who is revealed to be her backup singers, and they are not pleased at Mercedes having any sort of feelings for someone from high school. Said someone then arrives and immediately hits the stereotype Chris Tucker/Kevin Hart-like voice. Oh my god Trouty, you're an idiot. We get the names of the backup singers; one of them is called Tesla and Sam promptly asks her why black people name their kids after cars. Third Face Palm of the episode, Trouty, you're batting a thousand. After Sam inserts the boot deeper into his enlarged orifice, we cut to NYADA for Rachel's critique. She's doing great in her performance, but when Blaine joins in, Tibideaux does not look impressed, as it was supposed to be a solo. The Madam flunks them, but will allow them to reschedule for later that week. Hmm. Reschedule. And Sidney said this was a one-off. Thus as always, we spot the inevitable from a mile away which leads us to Face Palm #4. Oh, poor Rachel. Surely she can find a spare two minutes to do a song? No, because that's the smart thing to do and smart things make Murphy cry. Therefore, to the shock of anyone who's never watched Glee in their life (and at this point why start now?), Rachel, who spent a year trying to get into NYADA, gets there, survives a Drill Sergeant Nasty teacher, and finally lands her dream role partly due to her training at NYADA... decides that she doesn't need them anymore and hits the Screw This, I'm Outta Here. Bad life decision points this episode are already being handed out, and Rachel's in first (I.E. last) place.
After the break, where we take time to calm ourselves, we're back with Mercedes' girls telling her to not date Sam because he's white. For the sake of her career. Ah yes, blatant racism, one trope Murphy hadn't found yet. She listens to them. Face Palm #5 and Mercedes, you're an idiot. What was that about bad life decisions? Cut back to her place where she kicks Sam out. GRRRR. From there, we cut to a restaurant where Kurt has invited Rachel for dinner and lambasting. He accurately, correctly, and properly rakes Rachel across the coals for quitting NYADA, saying a diploma there would give her more options. He dares to ask if Fanny is the last role she'll ever get and this of course sets her off, Rachel accusing Kurt of not taking chances. Clearly realizing he's talking to an unmoving marquee, he finally tells her off. Now, in any other episode, this would of course lead to her realizing her error. However, because this is Glee's Audience-Alienating Era, instead, this leads us to an alleyway where Kurt is walking by, hearing another gaybashing. He runs in to help, but, because he dared to talk back to the almighty Berry, he must now be punished accordingly. He gets the victim to run, but forgot his surroundings, because he winds up with a brick upside the head to take him to the ground, while two right hooks take us to break. It must be said, this was a pretty brutal scene.
We return to Bushwick, where Sam is lamenting about being homeless yet again. Well, as apparently the only place in New York that exists besides Times Square is the waterfront of the East River, Sam might as well be camped out there in his sleeping bag. Though none at this point know about Kurt, Sam still dares to utter this line: "It's really hard to be a straight white male nowadays." Face Palm #6 and at this point we're amazed Glee got a final season. As Blaine tries to cheer Sam up with more Star Wars fanfic, his phone goes off for the obvious Mood Whiplash; apparently someone found Kurt prone, called the NYPD and they checked the contacts. The ex-McKinley grads get the call (Rachel rehearsing in the middle of the night) as we cut to a local hospital, where we get the damage: hairline fracture above the right eye socket, assorted cuts and bruises. Cut to them in his room, Rachel correctly blaming herself for this. All well and good, but if you were really sorry, you'd beg Tibideaux to return, so spare us the croc tears. Sam wants vengeance, which is the correct emotion in this case, but of course is talked down. Since we know that music can do wonders, Blaine cues up the live Sweeney Todd, climbing on the bed to spoon Kurt, the others leaving them alone as we go to break.
We return with Trouts in Mercedes' recording studio, because apparently she needs an album to go with her songwriting. She also apparently reevaluated and realized that while an interracial relationship would raise eyes, at the end of the day why would it matter? And since, again, Music can express better than words, we get Mercedes' single... AKA Amber Riley's singlenote , but not before Sam introduces himself to some producer, singer, something? as "call me White Chocolate" (Face Palm #7). Afterwards, we find that because the angst is missing that one piece of home, someone got on the horn to Lima (which we're really missing at this point) and brought in Papa Burt. The elder Hummel is horrified at the sight of his son, at first angry, then of course breaking down over his perfect face being injured (Kurt's kind of hoping for a sexy scar), then starts telling himself off because he thought that this stuff doesn't happen in New York. Kurt assures him that all this did was remind him of who he is: Burt Hummel's son.
We start the home stretch with Kurt out of the hospital and replacing the flowers on the tribute for the neighbor's friend who has now woken up. At Bushwick, Rachel offers the token apology, one that Kurt clearly accepts solely for her sake, it's still very clear Rachel's ego rules all. We then see Samcedes back together (they have got together and broken up how many times this episode already?!), then it's over to Kurt performing the relevant Follies at his NYADA critique. Rachel goes to watch, and surely she could have scheduled her re-do for, perhaps, right after his? No, because as we've established, all of the stupid pills were hoarded for this episode. Don't worry, each of the next five have their own supply.
Next Time: A 45min STD. No, we're not kidding.
Songs:
- "No One Is Alone", from Into the Woods, performed by Blaine, Kurt, and Rachel
- "You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman", by Aretha Franklin, performed by Mercedes, with Shaynice and Tesla
- "Broadway Baby" from Follies, performed by Rachel and Blaine
- "Not While I'm Around" from Sweeney Todd, performed by Blaine
- "Colorblind" by Amber Riley, performed by take a wild guess
- "I'm Still Here" from Follies, performed by Kurt
Tropes:
- Actor Allusion: Mercedes performs her new single for Sam. This is a song from her actress Amber Riley's album.
- Black Gal on White Guy Drama : Played completely straight. Really, in 2014. However, it does end up being treated as wrong, so...
- Gender-Blender Name: One of the actors is called Blaine. It's the woman playing one of Mercedes' back-up singers. Also, arguably, Tesla.
