We start today with an increasingly rare V/O, Rachel comparing herself to a literal star, followed by a montage of her preparations, including people with sandwich boards representing obstacles for her to conquer. NYADA dean Carmen Tibideaux is coming to McKinley for Kurtchel's auditions, the most important ones in their lives. We see her tell herself her time is now as we hit the Title Card.
We see Finn approach Puck at his locker and tell him he overheard Puck tell a sophomore Cheerio! that he might not graduate. Turns out Puck is good in all except geography; he aces that and he gets the tassels. Of course, this being Puck, his idea of "acing" is more physical, as we cut to said class and a Double Entendre. Seems Puck's going for the diploma in coitus instead of studying. Three guesses how that pans out. Cut to Brittany approaching the ND girls and reminding us that she is in fact school president; Senior Prom is approaching, and she needs a theme. As they contemplate, we pan over to see Beiste with a nasty shiner. Now, in these recaps, we've referred to the character of Cooter Menkins as "Cooter the Recruiter" or CtR for short. This is why; Santana correctly asks Beiste if her hubby decked her. This flippant, almost cruel tone, besides temporarily reverting Santana back to her pre-outing state, also draws in Roz Washington who, in a case of Even Evil Has Standards, calls her out on it, Santana trying to pretend she was kidding. Cut to the lounge, where Sue gives Roz props as Will and said Beiste arrive. After Beiste makes the expected denial, we have Mood Whiplash as we cut to Kurt getting his The Phantom of the Opera on, complete with Tina as his Christine, looking all kinds of thrilled to be subject to his over-acting and outrageous placement of far too many candles not to constitute a serious fire hazard, especially with Kurt's ridiculous cape. As it turns out, this is Kurt's "safe option"; he really wants to do something edgy. He contemplates as we cut to the geography teacher, Puck arriving and trying the moves, only to be, surprise surprise, shut down. He then calls Screw This, I'm Outta Here, breaking out some Alice to reiterate it.
After the break, we see the ND girls, minus Faberry of coursenote , in the choir room getting a Sue/Beiste/Roz lecture on domestic violence, Roz in particular telling a story of an abused aunt. The girls must find a song about male dominance and flip it into something empowering. Cut to Blaine boxing and giving Mike hairgel advice as Finn notices a missing Puckerman. Finn knows it's one test keeping him from graduating and vows to help find him and help him graduate. Cut to Rachel finding Kurt and lambasting him as it seems he's instead auditioning with "Not the Boy Next Door", insisting the safe choice is the only choice, hence why she's doing "Don't Rain On My Parade". The gleeks henceforth can sense the outcome from a mile away as they know one (or both) of them will be doing a Title Drop. The ego then comes into play as Rachel claims Kurt's doing some self-sabotage, Kurt pondering as we cut to the ND girls. How easy is it going to be for them to find such a specific song that isn't that one about killing Earl? Unsurprisingly, they choose to break out the clothes to turn anyone onto women and get her "Cell Block Tango" on. Yes, every song up to now in this episode is from Broadway. Unfortunately for them, they still don't get it, as we see Beiste leave and the dual Cheerio! coaches lambast the lot of them. Sue and Roz then find Beiste in a classroom and she confirms the abuse, citing the token excuses. Sue then insists that Beiste stays with her that night, but is turned down with the excuse that Beiste's sister has already agreed to share her home. Cut to Puck at a cougar's house, where after turning down a quickie, says he's out of there after the cleaning. However, escape is not so easy, as we see him look off screen and utter one word not said since age 13... "Dad?"
After the break, we see the rest of the ND men (minus Kurt of course) futilely trying to arrange a plan to help Puck. However, said man arrives dilapidated. We soon see why; a cut back to the pool reveals Melrose Place's Thomas Calabro and a homegrown six-pack. He reveals he's broke and needs funds. Puck, instead of breaking one of the bottles over the fucker's head, gives him the money he saved for his business. Sorry, but Noah, you're an idiot. Back to the present, where Finn and the ND men pledge to help him graduate. Cut to a nervous Kurtchel as Madame Tibideaux arrives, played by Whoopi Goldberg. After we get horror stories of the madam's temper, it's time for Kurt's audition. He appears on stage, ready to perform... then decides that the risk is worth the reward, as he summons Tina, Brittany, and Mercedes, and goes into "Not the Boy Next Door", killing it as you'd expect. Hell, even Brad was impressed. We return from break with Rachel psyching herself up. Finn arrives with support and flowers; however, they will be for naught. See, Kurt fulfilled one aesop, therefore it's Rachel that shall Title Drop, and choke she does: she forgets her words, goes for next 8 bars, and then gets them wrong again. Madame Tibideaux leaves and Rachel has pretty much the biggest breakdown she's ever had. And now, Mood Whiplash as we cut to ND and an all night cram session for Puck. Now, since we need to be reminded that this is in fact still Glee, we opt for the Anson Williams method of study; namely, using song to learn.
After the break, we see Sue and Beiste, who utters the lie mentioned above, the one about the sister. From there, it's back to the choir room where she tells the ND girls CtR did hit her, lying to them as well. From there (the whiplash is intense), it's over to Puck's test and we see he doodles and answers while the rest of the ND men try and look on. When he exits, he tells the rest of them he thinks he did good, then says thanks to them, he became a man, engaging in a manly group hug as we engage the home stretch, which starts with the ND girls offering Beiste apologies and a proper song, some Florence to suit the mood while intercut with Beiste, suitcase in hand leaving and then going right back to CtR. Afterwards, we find Kurt at Rachel's locker; he tries the platitudes but even he knows Rachel won't accept them. She cues up the Clarkson to cry her way out as we end with Puck getting his test back and do you even need to guess the grade?
Next Time: Senior Prom 2012, featuring dinosaurs, natural haircuts, and bastards being bastards being bastards.
Songs:
- The Music of the Night from The Phantom of the Opera, performed by Kurt with Tina
- Cell Block Tango from Chicago, performed by Santana, Tina, and Mercedes, with Brittany and Sugar
- Not The Boy Next Door from The Boy From Oz, performed by Kurt
- Don't Rain On My Parade from Funny Girl, performed by Rachel
- The Rain In Spain from My Fair Lady, performed by Puck, Mike, and Finn with Blaine
- Shake It Out by Florence + the Machine, performed by Santana, Tina, and Mercedes
- School's Out by Alice Cooper, performed by Puck
- Cry by Kelly Clarkson, performed by Rachel
Tropes:
- Call-Back: Tina wears one of the wigs from Season One's "Hairography" episode, and the "swans" wear the dresses from Season One's Regionals competition.
- Celebrity Paradox: Whoopi Goldberg appearing as Carmen Tibideaux but the show she presents, The View, makes an appearance in season 6. Also to be ignored is Naya Rivera's occasional co-host gig of that show and that she did, in fact, use it to come out (as bi) on National TV because that's definitely something you want to make people think is not a shitty thing to do, Santana.
- Downer Ending: Let's see, Rachel choked on her audition, Puck failed on his geography test that he needed to pass to graduate, and Beiste ends up returning to Cooter. I believe that is a downer.
- Mis Aimed Fandom: In-Universe example as Sue and Roz berate the girls for completely missing the point of using the "Cellblock Tango" as a "female empowerment" song when it clearly shows a bunch of psycho killers excusing offing their husbands on minor offenses.
