"A smoking addiction? Now, why would you say I have one of those, giant talking cigarette?"
Don't tell me I'm still on that feckin' island!
It's Lent, and Ted strikes a bargain with his rival Dick Byrne. He and Jack and Dougal will give up their respective vices of smoking, drinking and roller-blading for Lent if Dick and the other two priests on Rugged Island will do the same. Unfortunately, they crack after less than a day. With Mrs Doyle away on a pilgrimage, they enlist the help of the formidable Sister Assumpta — who enjoys keeping Ted and Dougal on the straight and narrow a little too much, subjecting them to a sadistic regime of brick beds, ice baths and corporal punishment. This causes them to flee to Rugged Island, where they find that Dick and the other priests are not even trying to keep their Lenten vows. Back on Craggy Island, they discover that Sister Assumpta has gorged herself on chocolate, and agree to keep quiet about it provided she moves to Rugged Island to put the trio there through the same rigours as she did them.
Tropes featured in this episode:
- Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: As the title suggests, the vices the Craggy Island priests try (and fail) to give up are smoking (for Ted), drinking (for Jack) and rollerblading (for Dougal). Similarly, the Rugged Island priests claim to be giving up smoking (in Dick's case), drinking (in Jim's case) and skateboarding (in Cyril's case).
- Blackmail: After discovering Sister Assumpta broke her own Lenten vows to abstain from chocolate, Ted agrees to keep silent about it to her fellow nuns on the condition she mete out some of the same treatment she inflicted on them to the occupants of Rugged Island.
- Blatant Lies: 'He's just off for his walk.' A similar excuse appeared in Competition Time, and was used in the same context.
- Boggles the Mind: Apparently the last time they played Scrabble, Father Dick Byrne used his tiles to write "useless priest, can't say mass".
- The Bus Came Back: Sister Assumpta, one of the nuns who visited Craggy Island in "And God Created Women", returns — on her own, this time (she having found a new vocation with the Church-run addiction service). The events of that episode are not mentioned, although it seems that her visits to the island have been reciprocated by Ted and Dougal, given that the bizarre sequence of events that happened to the latter (see under Noodle Incident, below) occurred when they were staying with her in Kildare.
- Censorship by Spelling: "They were a bit obsessed with the old S-E-X!"
- Chekhov's Gun: The chocolate Easter eggs that John and Mary leave for the priests.
- Compressed Abstinence: For Lent, Ted decides to give up cigarettes, Dougal rollerblading, and on Jack's behalf, Ted makes a vow that Jack will give up drinking. After they can't go one day without succumbing they call in a specialist, who turns out to be quite insane, and eventually they do a turnaround and indulge these things to a greater degree than they did before.
- Compressed Vice: Dougal's passion for rollerblading is not mentioned outside of this episode. Linehan and Mathews simply thought it would be a funny "vice" for Dougal to have to give up for Lent while Ted gave up smoking and Jack gave up drinking.
- Cool and Unusual Punishment: The episode ends with Sister Assumpta chasing the priests of Rugged Island around, in their underwear, periodically whacking them with a large tree branch.
- Creator Cameo: Co-writer Graham Lineham plays the man who walks past the parochial house and remarks that "some mad-man's put up a cross".
- Drill Sergeant Nasty: Sister Assumpta, who comes over to assist Ted and Dougal with their Lenten vows. She bathes them in ice, replaces their mattresses with bricks, and shoots at them.
- Epic Fail: Ted, Dougal and Jack can't go one day without returning to their vices.
- Failed a Spot Check: Ted jumps straight onto his bed without looking and discovers too late that Sister Assumpta replaced his mattress with bricks. In fairness to him, the bricks were concealed under the duvet.
- Failure Is the Only Option: The priests failing with their Lenten vows. You might expect Jack to give in to temptation at some point, but Ted and Dougal also succumb.
- Faux Affably Evil: Father Dick Byrne.
- Funny Background Event: Dougal doesn't seem to mind his ice bath. It even has a little rubber duck.
- Go Mad from the Revelation: After sobering up, Jack is horrified to learn he's still stuck on Craggy Island.Jack: DON'T TELL ME I'M STILL ON THAT FECKING ISLAND!
- Hollywood Board Games: Father Ted mentions something mind-boggling about his rival, Father Byrne. Apparently, Byrne managed to insult Ted by forming a phrase in a Scrabble game. Priests are usually fairly knowledgeable people, but this also shows how crafty and spiteful can Byrne get at times.
- Hypocritical Humor: Mrs. Doyle claims she doesn't think about sex. In the middle of ranting about it.
- I Lied: Dick Byrne tells Ted he and his fellow priests on Rugged Island are taking their Lenten vows seriously and convinces Ted to do likewise. It later turns out he and the others had no intention to keep their Lenten vows; it was all just to screw with the occupants of Craggy Island.
- Meat-O-Vision: The priests try to give up their vices for Lent, but soon go into withdrawal and hallucinate one another as the objects of their addiction (giant talking cigarettes or pints of Guinness) speaking gibberish. In his commentary co-writer Graham Linehan points out that this is a fairly routine gag until we get to see Dougal's point of view - Ted as a giant rollerblade shoe.
- No Communities Were Harmed: More like "No Pilgrimage Sites Were Harmed". Mrs. Doyle leaves the house for a Lenten pilgrimage to "St Patrick's Hill", a possible reference to Croagh Patrick, a real pilgrimage site in County Mayo. The way Ted describes a pilgrimage to St Patrick's Hill largely resembles a typical pilgrimage to Croagh Patrick.
- No Indoor Voice: Even when sober, Jack shouts.
- Noodle Incident: A couple.
- A bizarre one even by this show's standards is brought up by Ted as he tries to remind Dougal who Sister Assumpta is. We're told that when they went to visit her in Kildare, Dougal got hit by a car while on his way to the shop to buy a newspaper, following which he won £100 on the lottery, got arrested for shoplifting, was in the police station when it caught fire, and then fell out of the rescue helicopter into the local zoo's tiger enclosure... while he was wearing his blue jumper.
- Ted mentions a time when he and Dick Byrne played Scrabble. Somehow, Dick managed to spell out the words "Useless Priest Can't Say Mass". Ted is convinced that he was cheating.
- No-Sell: Dougal doesn't respond at all Sister Assumpata's Chinese burn, nor even her biting his arm, despite Ted clearly still being in pain from the same treatment in the background. Eventually she gives up in irritation.
- Nun Too Holy: Sister Assumpta is definitely this.
- Oh, Crap!: Ted and Dougal's reaction before Sister Assumpta starts the 12 Step Program for them for Lent by dragging them behind a tractor.
- Psychotic Smirk: Sister Assumpta when she's greeted by Father Dick Byrne.
- Running Gag:
- Larry Duff still can't catch a break when Ted calls him (though at least in this case, it wasn't in a near fatal situation).
- Mrs. Doyle continues to have trouble getting down from the windowsill.
- Screw This, I'm Outta Here: In keeping with his usual behaviour regarding nuns, Jack flees out the window at the sight of Sister Assumpta.
- Skewed Priorities: Ted's motivation for taking Lent seriously.Ted: And Dougal, don't forget why we're doing this!Dougal: I know, I know! Because of the sacrifice Our Lord made-Ted: It's about more than that! I'm not going to be beaten by Dick Byrne in a giving things up competition!
- Single Malt Vision: Apparently Jack sees double, but largely because he's always drunk. It fades when he sobers up.Jack: Where are the other two?!Ted: 'Other two?' Ah, I see, the old vision's back to normal. No, it's just us, Father.Jack: And what do you two do then?Ted: Well, we're priests.
- Tempting Fate: Ted expresses a belief that the rest of Sister Assumpta watching over them will just involve a "bit of an old pray". That optimism is abruptly dashed in the next scene, where Sister Assumpta is dragging them behind a tractor..
- Titled After the Song: The episode is named after "Cigarettes and Alchohol" by Oasis.
- X Must Not Win: After being goaded into giving up something for Lent by Father Dick Byrne, Ted gives Dougal a lecture on the importance of Lent, something far more important than the sacrifices made by Jesus as the latter points out, but beating Dick Byrne at his bet.
- What a Drag: Poor Ted and Dougal suffer from this, thanks to Sister Assumpta and a tractor.
