NOTICE: This is a Recap page, so all spoilers will be left unmarked, per wiki policy. Read ahead only with caution! You Have Been Warned.
When it comes to the tantalizing femme fatale, these two combatants are the pinnacle of beauty and brawn... not to mention, well-endowed.
Ivy Valentine, from Soul Calibur. And Black Orchid, from Killer Instinct.
The fourth episode of the second season brings two of the most iconic females in fighting games against each other. Pitting whip-swords versus dual tonfa, ranged brutality versus melee devastation, alchemy spells versus feline transmogrification, Ivy Valentine and Black Orchid will undergo analysis and thorough study, and when the data is added up, all they have left to do to prove their dominance is win a death battle.
Wizard and Boomstick start the episode off with a rundown of Isabella "Ivy" Valentine, left on the doorstep of the noble English couple whom her surname bears. Abandoned by her biological father, the infamous pirate Cervantes de Leon, Ivy was raised by her adoptive parents until her father died while hunting for the mythical Soul Edge, a malevolent sword that possesses the souls of those who use it and drives them insane, turning them into its servants. After her mother died following the hunt for the sword, Ivy carried on her parents' legacy, becoming a talented alchemist.
Her alchemy is likely one of her greatest talents, able to use it effectively in battle, with moves such as summoning magic fire and her Grand Alchemy Critical Finish. But the most important feat her alchemy has accomplished, though, was that she used it to forge her signature weapon, the Valentine, a hybrid of a sword and whip with serrated sections. Given life by Nightmare, an embodiment of the same sword Ivy campaigned to destroy, Valentine is a difficult weapon to use, as with a simple flick of the wrist, it can switch between its two forms, and Ivy is experienced in both, able to perform feats with it such as thrusting it into the ground where it will burst out towards her aggressor or send the sections in whip form towards her foe as dozens of razor-sharp projectiles. When not being directly controlled by Ivy, Valentine, being sentient, will protect her by its own will.
However, this weapon came at a great cost; her arrangement with Nightmare linked her to Soul Edge, effectively making her a part of the immortal sword itself and stopping her from aging (despite Boomstick saying otherwise). If Ivy succeeded in destroying Soul Edge, everything related to it would fall, and as a part of the immortal sword, in turn, she would die with it. Her worries don't end at her bond with Soul Edge, either. Despite her weapon's unique status and her proficiency in it, Ivy's record in the series' canon is dubious at best; known to have had seven fights and only won three, two of them being rematches. However, Ivy has never let these worries stop her in her quest to destroy Soul Edge, even at the cost of her own life.
- Ivy Valentine: You're in need of some discipline! (binds her foe with alchemy) I'll teach you to behave! (sends the serrated edges of Valentine towards her foe to maul them) Satisfied?
After carefully studying Ivy Valentine, Wizard and Boomstick move on to the woman she faces, Black Orchid. A government spy, the details of Orchid's life and past are incredibly secretive, to the point she is unaware of most of it herself ("how the hell does that work?" indeed). What we do know is, she's a killer. The few facts known about her are that she is related to series regular Jago, a Tibetan monk; as such, it is reasonable to assume she is proficient in some Chinese martial arts, specifically those with blunt weapons.
Though Orchid used lightsabers early on while working for the government, she soon discarded them in favor of her other signature weapons, laser tonfa. With these tonfa, Orchid can perform rapid-fire series of melee combos, augmented with special techniques, such as the flick flack, a rotating leg kick that actually lifts Orchid like a helicopter, and the fire cat, a spell that temporarily morphs Orchid into a panther made of fire. Her projectile repetoire, while not as impressive, is still of note, with her ability to emit fire and electricity from her tonfa, which she uses in her No Mercy, alongside turning her opponent into a frog and stomping on them, and, proving Boomstick was right all along, flashing her foes with her breasts until they have a heart attack.
Her so-called "fun bags of destruction" aside, Orchid is a very capable warrior. The winner of the first Killer Instinct tournament, Orchid is nearly unrivaled in close combat. Though her lack of a fully-developed ranged fighting system serves as a hindrance (and, more despicable than that, her trading in lightsabers for tonfa), it did not serve enough as a setback to prevent her from defeating the millennia-old warlord Eyedol. With these victories as proof of her capabilities, Orchid is truly a dangerous foe.
- Black Orchid: (locks her foe in a series of tonfa strikes and kicks, continuing to attack long after they fall defeated) Yeah!*
With the combatants studied and readied for their fight, there's no point in stalling (there isn't even an advertisement this time). It's time for a death battle!
In the middle of the ocean, Ivy stands on a platform surrounded by four cylinders. Gazing wistfully at the waters, her trance is broken by the sound of a helicopter soon approaching. From the helicopter jumps Orchid, tonfa at the ready. Ivy spots her and jumps back, but her intimidating threat of "get lost!" fails to deter Orchid, leaving her with no other alternative but to take the agent on.
FIGHT!
Orchid makes the first move in the fight, starting the battle off by launching a pair of fireballs from her tonfa at Ivy, but they are soon destroyed by a swing of her sword. The fight soon becomes Ivy trying to distance Orchid, using Valentine's reach to keep Orchid at bay, but it soon proved futile with Orchid using the panther to phase through Ivy's whip sword and trap her in a series of kicks before launching the countess into the air with a rising knee. Ivy, however, is quick to recover, using her own melee combo to knock Orchid around the battlefield before locking the spy around the blades of Valentine, trying to snap her neck. All it takes is a return appearance from the panther for Orchid to escape Valentine's Valentine and, using the sword's reach against its master, drags Orchid to her and stuns her long enough for Orchid to rip her jumpsuit open, exposing her breasts. Ivy gazes upon them, and...
she cackles. Flashing her own mammaries, Orchid can't help but toss her tonfas to the ground in a fit of envy. Ivy uses this to her advantage, launching an assault on the distracted spy, before the two begin trading a flurry of punches and kicks. The fight soon becomes Orchid's until Ivy wraps Valentine around her blade and flings her into the air, trapping her in a mystic row of circles facing a portal. Orchid is caught in Ivy's Grand Alchemy. With a command from Ivy, the pieces of her sword split and enter the portal, shooting themselves at Orchid before she drops to the ground, stuggling to get up, let alone continue the fight. Ivy taunts her opponent, her sword upraised, before plunging it into the ground.
Calling upon every ounce of strength she has, Orchid manages in a last-ditch effort to transform into the panther again. Valentine passes right through her, and, in a burst of energy, rushes right past Ivy, unleashing a frenzied barrage of tonfa strikes and rapid kicks upon the countess, knocking her into the air with the flick flack before catching her with electricity from her tonfa. Lying on the ground, moaning in agony, Ivy never sees Orchid swinging a glowing red tonfa at her. The once-pround alchemist has been reduced to a croaking frog. Orchid takes a moment to watch Ivy in her helpless state before leaping into the air and crushing the countess beneath her boots. With Ivy little more than a smear on Orchid's clothes, Orchid gives out a victory yell and swings her tonfa together.
K.O.!
In the midst of her celebration, Orchid spots her brother Jago appearing on the platform, and much like she did with Ivy, who is now a twitching mess on the floor, Orchid flashes her brother, causing him to fall off the platform. Wizard explains that the deciding factor in the fight is Orchid's victory against Eyedol; the warlord whom was able to defeat entire armies on his own was slain single-handedly by Orchid, a feat far greater that anything Ivy has accomplished in the Soul series. With this established, it's then clarified that the reason Orchid's breasts were unable to kill Ivy was because size truly does matter; Ivy's official cup size is stated as size G/size DDDD (100 +cm), while Orchid in comparison are roughly size F/size DDD (95 - 99 cm), meaning neither of them could use her flashing finisher properly. The fight, Wizard describes, came down to a matter of long range versus short range, and while Orchid is far outmatched by the reach of Ivy's weapon, the panther is a workaround to the problem by phasing through attacks and letting Orchid's melee prowess handle the fight from there. Lastly, despite her proficiency in alchemy, Soul Edge would fail to protect Ivy from Orchid's transmogrification; a scene in Soul Calibur V with character Ein and ZWEI crystallizing Ivy show Soul Edge cannot protect her from non-Soul magic. Both sides put up a good fight, but Ivy simply lacked enough advantages to turn the tide in her favor.
- Boomstick: It was a good fight, but in the end, Ivy croaked.
Wiz: The winner is Black Orchid!
Ivy Valentine vs. Black Orchid contains examples of:
- Ambiguous Syntax: When Wizard mentions how Ivy brought Valentine into being by "summoning the hand of Nightmare, which breathed life into the sword," Boomstick misconstructs the sentence."Wait, hold on. How does a hand breathe, exactly?"
- Epileptic Trees: Wizard and Boomstick alike both have theories involving the breasts of both ladies, from how Ivy's age is transferred into mass for her breasts to how Orchid's are so inhumanly large that anyone who sees them goes mad.
- Loveable Sex Maniac: Boomstick is in top form this episode; several comments all laden with innuendo and outright infatuation for the two fighters.
- Noodle Incident: Boomstick claims to know from personal experience that zombie pirates make horrible fathers.
