Recap / Columbo S 09 E 01

He had such a good thing going!

Episode: Season 9, Episode 1
Title:"Murder, a Self-Portrait"
Directed by: James Frawley
Written by: Robert Sherman
Air Date: November 25, 1989
Previous: Grand Deceptions
Next: Columbo Cries Wolf
Guest Starring: Patrick Bauchau, Fionnula Flanagan, Shera Danese, Isabel Garcia Lorca, George Coe

"Murder, a Self-Portrait" is the first episode of the 9th season of Columbo.

Max Barsini (Patrick Bauchau) is an artist with a pretty great life. He's rich. He has a fancy Malibu beach house. And if that's not enough, he has a harem of three women: his middle-aged but still attractive first wife Louise (Fionnula Flanagan), his younger, good-looking current wife Vanessa (Shera Danese), Peter Falk's wife), and his still younger, gorgeous model/mistress Julie (Isabel Garcia Lorca), who all live together with him.

Unfortunately for Max, Louise wants out of his little polyamorous universe. He is disturbed to hear that she is leaving him and moving in with her former therapist, Dr. Sydney Hammer (George Coe). Far worse, Louise's news leads to a nasty argument in which she makes a veiled reference to the fact that years ago, Max killed his business partner who stole money from him.

That's a secret bad enough that Max can't risk Louise ever telling her new lover. So he smothers her into unconsciousness with a rag soaked in paint thinner and then drowns her in the ocean. Max thinks it will look like Louise drowned while swimming and he was in his studio painting at the time, but of course Lt. Columbo of the LAPD is not fooled. If Louise went out swimming, why did she put on only one contact lens and leave the other in its case?

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Tropes:

• Aborted Arc: The episode starts off with Lt. Columbo in the first scene rather than a Villain Opening Scene. The scene, where Columbo takes his dog to a dog show, has nothing to do with anything else in the episode other than as a setup for a bit of dialogue later in the episode where Columbo asks Sydney why his dog, who's never shown any signs of aggressiveness, bit him for the first time, which he chalks up to jealousity of all the other Basset hounds present in the dog show. After the dialogue with Sydney, the whole dog show plot vanishes like it never happened. After the dog show scene, the introduction to Barsini and his harem is more like a traditional Columbo opening.
• Absence of Evidence: Columbo shreds Max's alibi when he notes that there is not one drop of paint on the floor of the loft where Max supposedly spent the time of the murder painting. This is in contrast to his own studio where Max is painting Columbo, where the floor under his canvas is splattered with paint. Conclusion: Max didn't paint anything in the loft of that bar the afternoon. The fact that there is no running water in the room where Max supposedly painted for hours also helps.
• And Starring: The credits end with "and George Coe as Dr. Hammer."
• As You Know: When Vito and Max see a photo of the young Max and Louise with another man in Vito's restaurant, he makes sure to describe the other man as "Harry, with the monocle. Your first art dealer." This is Foreshadowing to indicate that the long-lost Harry has something to do with Max's dark secret.
• Balanced Harem: As Vanessa notes, Louise could cook, she was managing Max's business affairs, and Julie was providing sex. (Max later describes them as "comforting mother, erotic companion, manager of his affairs".) Louise throws the balance off when she leaves the harem, and in their very first scene together after Louise's death Vanessa and Julie are screaming at each other and both vowing to get rid of the other. Max later tells Columbo that while three women are perfect for a harem, two are no good.
• Bat Deduction: Some of Columbo's attempts to interpret Louise's recorded dreams tend to come off across as these: Louise was dreaming of a nonexistent "French uncle", so it must refer to French for "my uncle", "mon oncle" or "monocle" that Max's art dealer was always wearing, and a shattered bowl must also refer to half a pair of glasses, or a monocle. Somewhat justified that they're dreams and thus they rarely make any literal sense.
• Beach Episode: The episode is set on Malibu and makes a lot of use of Malibu's scenic beaches.
• Bland-Name Product: A throwaway moment has Julie offering Max a bucket of fried chicken. It's colored like a Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket (white with red stripes), it uses the same typeface as KFC packaging, but it just says "fried chicken".
• Blonde, Brunette, Redhead: Max's three women, in ascending order of age: Julie, Vanessa, Louise.
• Deliberately Monochrome: Louise's nightmares are shown in black and white, to make them look more surreal.
• A Dog Named "Dog": Columbo at the dog show explains that his basset hound is named "Dog".
• Flashback Nightmare: Dr. Hammer brings Columbo Louise's recordings of her nightmares. The nightmares are shown as trippy monochrome dream sequences as Louise's narration plays on the audio, with Max and Columbo frozen in time in the background or foreground of each room she visits in those flashbacks.
• Foreshadowing: At one point, Louise's psychiatrist deduces that perhaps the reason Columbo's dog bit him earlier was out of jealousy towards the other basset hounds at the dog show, reflecting how much Columbo means to him. This is meant to frame how Julie and Vanessa stay with Max because of such jealousy, how it drives their relationship with him, and how lack thereof jealousy will affect the outcome.
• Freudian Couch: Played for laughs when Columbo interviews Dr. Hammer, with him lying on his own couch and Columbo's interview sounding a lot like a therapy session.
• Gone Horribly Right: Max kept badgering Julie and Vanessa to get along "for Louise's sake" in order to regain some semblance of the previous normality they had before Louise's death. Indeed, at some point, Julie and Vanessa have a heart-to-heart and finally form a friendship. The problem is, their new-found friendship has evaporated the very jealousy towards each other that kept them wrapped around Max's finger. Between the two of them, they convince each other they're too good for Max, and subsequently leave him.
• Instantly Proven Wrong: At the start, Columbo brings his dog at a dog show dedicated to Basset hounds. While chatting with the owner of a multi-prize winner, the Lieutenant gushes over his own dog, saying he would win any prize for cuteness since he's the most adorable and faithful dog ever — just as Dog starts growling and bites his hand, the only time he'd ever done so. It's later theorized that Dog was upset and jealous from the presence of all the other Basset hounds.
• Instant Sedation: It takes Louise about four seconds to pass out after Max pushes the paint thinner rag onto her face.
• Make It Look Like an Accident: Max assumes that Louise's death will be written off as an accident while swimming, but he doesn't know he's on Columbo.
• The Mirror Shows Your True Self: Played for laughs; Max spends the episode painting a portrait of Columbo, but warns him that it will reveal his dark, tormented policeman's soul. It turns out to be... just like the Columbo we know.
• Polyamory: Max is living together with his ex-wife, his current wife, and his model. Louise makes him cioppino. After Max and Julie have both left the dinner table Vanessa ruefully says to Louise that "He'll sleep with her tonight." When Louise notes that she was his wife, Max says "You are my wife." A contemptuous Dr. Hammer snarls that Max still "demanded his privileges" of Louise.
• Sheep in Sheep's Clothing: Before he began his painting, Max intended to uncover a dark and hardened nature underneath Columbo's good-natured exterior. In the ending, his painting reveals... he's every bit on the inside who he is on the outside. With Columbo, what you see is what you get, and the painting is no different.
• Symbolism:
  • When Vanessa and Julie confront each other in the sauna, they're respectively wearing a red towel and a pink towel. Vanessa's red towel represents her sensual, jaded nature, while Julie's pink towel represents her playful and innocent personality.
  • In Louise's third and final dream, she imagines that Harry's monocle is a pocket watch. Max notes that it's as though she was worried for the time she lost. For all intents and purposes, he wasn't wrong: Louise was afraid she was running out of time before he got her too.
  • When she and Julie are leaving Max, Vanessa gives a speech about his selfishness, mentioning an analogy about how he eats well and complains about heartburn, while his wives go hungry and feed on scraps. This is meant to reflect the nature of their polyamory, how Max basks in the wives' attention while they have to fight tooth and nail just to get his affection.
• Toplessness from the Back: Some fanservice when Julie is posing for Max's latest painting.

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