Air Date: February 25, 1978
Previous: Murder Under Glass
Next: How to Dial a Murder
Guest Starring: Trish Van Devere, Patrick O'Neal, Lawrence Luckinbill, Bruce Kirby
"Make Me a Perfect Murder" is the third episode of the seventh season of Columbo.
Kay Freestone (Trish Van Devere) is a programming executive at the CNC television network. She is busy finishing post-production on The Professional, a TV Movie for her network. The network's head of west coast programming, Mark McAndrews, leaves a meeting about the movie and receives good news from his boss, Frank Flanagan (Patrick O'Neal): he is getting promoted to overall head of programming for the network, which will mean having to move to New York City.
The next morning finds Mark with Kay, who is secretly his lover. Kay is overjoyed to hear that Mark is getting a promotion, until he tells her that she's not coming with him to New York, and in fact they are breaking up. She comforts herself with the thought that she'll get Mark's old job, until he tells her that no, she won't get that either, because he doesn't think she's got what it takes to do what he does. He's basically leaving her high and dry, with nothing more than a new Mercedes.
An enraged Kay turns to murder. She comes up with a complicated scheme involving a preview screening of The Professional for Flanagan and the other network guys. Kay goes into the projection room, and while Walter the projectionist isn't looking, she fiddles with the counter on the projector, making it appear that the reel change is due several minutes sooner than it really is. Then she sends Walter off on an errand, saying she'll change the reels herself. While Walter thinks she's changing the reel, she rushes up to Mark's office, shoots him dead, then returns to the projection booth unseen, seemingly with an alibi witness.
She doesn't count on Lt. Columbo, who quickly deduces that Mark knew his killer because Mark had left his glasses perched on top of his head rather than putting them down to see who it was. Columbo notes that Kay was alone at the time of the murder. And then Walter the projectionist randomly mentions something he shouldn't have seen...
Some sources indicate that George C. Scott, Trish Van Devere's husband from 1972 until Scott's death in 1999, has a cameo in this episode. He doesn't.
Tropes:
- Ambiguously Bi: It's implied that Kay and Valerie Kirk are lesbian lovers (something that would have been quite daring for American television in 1978). When Kay is trying to encourage Valerie to get it together for the live concert she says "I'll let you keep the key to my apartment," and Valerie smiles. Later when Valerie is in drunken hysterics Kay tries to give her a hug and Valerie says "No! I don't want to."
- Ate His Gun: A character does this in Show Within a Show The Professional. This becomes a plot point when Walter complains about this to Columbo, who knows that this scene came right after the reel change, which means that Walter must have left the projection booth earlier than he thought he did, which means Kay must have fiddled with the reel counter.
- Batman Gambit: Kay sees the gun on top of the elevator car, having slid to a point where it's visible. She grabs it in an extraordinarily tense scene, smuggles it out of the building, and throws it away. Unfortunately the cops had already found the real gun and Columbo had them plant a fake one there for Kay to find. And only the killer would think to look for the gun.
- Be Careful What You Wish For: During their breakup, Mark dares Kay to kill him and make him a perfect murder. She proceeds to do just that.
- Cigarette of Anxiety: Kay's hand is shaking while she lights a cigarette after 1) being fired from her job and 2) seeing Lt. Columbo show up again, right after she got rid of the gun (or so she thinks).
- Comically Missing the Point: It might really be Columbo practicing Obfuscating Stupidity. In any case, Columbo, wearing a neck brace, is interviewing Kay about the murder.Kay: Is there any way I can help, Lieutenant?
Columbo: I don't think so ma'am, nice of you to ask, the doctors think it's a whiplash. - Creator Cameo: The assassin in the Show Within a Show "The Professional" is played by the episode's director, James Frawley.
- Dead-Hand Shot: Seen when a character is murdered in Show Within a Show The Professional.
- Didn't Think This Through: Kay's decision to run The Professional in place of Valerie's concert has three repercussions. First, the unexpected showing caused its rating to tank, wasting its potential and costing her company all the money it could've made. This resulted in the second repercussion in which she gets fired. And finally, seeing it in its unedited form gives Columbo the final clue he needs to break apart her alibi.
- Drives Like Crazy: A Running Gag for Columbo throughout the series. In this episode he gets chased by patrolmen after he weaves through an intersection and gets rear-ended, leading him to get whiplash and wear a neck brace.
- Executive Meddling: In-Universe with Kay closely controlling the production of The Professional.
- Feet-First Introduction: Shapely Legs Introduction for Kay when we see her at Mark's house.
- Ignored Expert: Luther, the director for Valerie Kirk's concert show, warns Kay that Valerie just isn't able to perform due to anxiety issues, especially if the show is a live performance. Kay insists on going through with the show, leading to Disaster Dominoes as Valerie fails to show, Kay hurriedly puts on The Professional in place of the concert, and this causes the movie to tank due to being put on air with no advertising or warning, resulting in Kay losing her job. Flanagan explicitly notes that Kay ignored the director's warnings when he informs her that her services are no longer required.
- Jerkass Has a Point: Kay is pissed off—rather, she is driven to a murderous rage—when Mark tells her that he won't be recommending her to fill his old job because he doesn't believe she has what it takes to make proper executive decisions. Then Flanagan flinches at promoting her, giving her the job on an acting basis only. They're proven right, as Kay hires Valerie Kirk for a concert show, only for Valerie to be too drunk to go on live, forcing her to rush The Professional to air on three hours' notice, causing it to tank in the ratings. She's fired, not that it matters as she's arrested for murder right after.
- Magic Countdown: Averted. Kay records herself counting down the seconds in her murder plot. She has four minutes to kill Mark and get back to the projection booth, and the sequence does, indeed, last four minutes.
- No Celebrities Were Harmed: Valerie Kirk is plainly inspired by late-career Judy Garland (who died of an accidental overdose in 1969).
- Oddball in the Series: A very rare example of an episode that starts with a scene featuring Lt. Columbo rather than with the murderer and the murder. In this episode Columbo has his Drives Like Crazy fender bender in the first scene, before we even meet Kay and Mark.
- Oh, Crap!:
- Kay gets a pretty good one when a random security guard strolls into the break room, interrupting her on her way back to the projection booth, which she has to get to in time to change the reel.
- She has another one later on, when she and Columbo embark the elevator car, and notices (what she thinks is) the gun she hid in the ceiling.
- Passed-Over Promotion: Why Kay kills Mark. Getting dumped is part of the reason, but Mark refusing to recommend her for his job when he gets promoted to New York is a bigger reason.
- The Peter Principle: With McAndrews removed, Kay steps into his job... and promptly reveals how incredibly unqualified she is for it. Her attempt to set up a comeback special for Valerie Kirk falls apart because she ignores all the warning signs that Kirk is heading for an alcoholic meltdown. When the special falls through, she panics and throws The Professional on in its time slot - without any advertising - causing it to fail miserably in the ratings and burn all the money spent to make it.
- Pre-Mortem One-Liner: An understated one. Kay comes into Mark's office. He sees her and, thinking the screening is done, says "Finished?". She answers "Yes. Finished." Then she shoots him.
- Right on the Tick: Kay dashes back into the projection booth and flips the reels at literally the last second.
- Sexy Shirt Switch: Kay is wearing only Mark's shirt during breakfast at his place. Leads to a little character moment when Mark dumps her, and she yanks on the shirt to try and get it to extend a little further past her butt.
- Show Within a Show: The Professional, some sort of gritty Stale Beer spy drama that Kay has produced for the network. The violence is unusually explicit for American television, which becomes plot-relevant when Walter mentions it to Columbo.
- Special Guest: Patrick O'Neal gets this billing, as he had previously played Elliott Markham, the murderer in Season 1 finale "Blueprint for Murder".
- Think of the Censors!: In-Universe, as a junior exec, blanching at the violence in The Professional, says to Flanagan, "Frank, has Standards and Practices seen this yet?"
- Title Drop: Mark blows off Kay's displeasure at their breakup and her lack of advancement, saying that they were just Friends with Benefits and he doesn't owe her anything. He says if she's mad she can kill him, then shows her his gun and says "Make me a perfect murder, babe." That of course is exactly what she does, except it isn't perfect.
- Two Lines, No Waiting: There is a subplot in which Kay is producing a live variety show featuring her old friend and former musical star Valerie Kirk (Lanie Kazan). It has no relevance to the murder plot other than to show that Kay's bosses were probably right to not promote her.
- Villainous Breakdown: Near the end, Columbo tracks down Kay at the shooting of a fun fair set. She hides in one of the trailers, then her professional veneer breaks down as she uses the microphone to shout at the lieutenant to leave, and desperately fiddles with the buttons on her desk, trying to shut down the camera monitors in an attempt to block him out while he does his summation. She barely manages to get herself together again, after Columbo catches up to her and fully explains the clues and methods used to incriminate her.
- Walk and Talk: "Can we walk and talk?", says Columbo as Kay is leaving the building, and they do in fact walk together as he grills her.
- Woman Scorned: Kay is bitter at Mark for not only going off to his new job in New York without her and in fact breaking up with her, but also for not recommending her as his replacement. He tries to make it up to her by giving her a new Mercedes, but it's not enough to quell her rage.
