Title: If Ever I Would Leave You
Directed by: James Burrows
Written by: Ken Levine & David Isaacs
Air Date: February 28, 1985
Previous: Behind Every Great Man
Next: The Executive's Executioner
Guest Starring: Kelsey Grammer, Dan Hedaya, Jean Kasem
"If Ever I Would Leave You" is the 20th episode of the third season of Cheers.
Carla's loathsome, hygiene-impaired ex-husband, Nick Tortelli (Dan Hedaya), makes his return to the bar. It seems that Nick's airhead bride Loretta (Jean Kasem) has kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce. Worse for Nick, he signed a prenuptial agreement that gives Loretta everything, including Nick's TV repair business.
Nick, desperate, applies to Sam for a job and is given a job doing menial custodial work. Meanwhile, he asks Carla for forgiveness, saying that he's always loved her and he wants her to take him back. Carla figures that Nick is only crawling back to her because Loretta rejected him. However, the gang at the bar urges Carla to forgive Nick and take him back.
Third episode in a row without Coach, due to Nicholas Colasanto's declining health that led to his death on Feb. 12, 1985.
Tropes:
- Ask a Stupid Question...: Loretta comes to the bar and sees Nick.Loretta: Nick, is that you?
Nick: No, it's the Archbishop of Canterbury. - Bait-and-Switch: Diane points to Nick's reformed behavior and says that's the man that Carla wouldn't cross the room for to spit on his shoes. Carla thought fully says "What can I say, Diane, I was wrong." Then she crosses the room and spits on his shoes.
- Easily Forgiven: Everyone else in the bar seems willing to forgive Nick for all his deplorable behavior just because he continues to talk about Carla, and has been working hard doing odd jobs in the bar for a while. Even Diane, who found Nick disgusting before then, seems to think he has legitimately changed. Every previous appearance of Nick's showed him flaunting his infidelity, selfishness and manipulations in full view of the others—even to the point of trying to take one of Carla's kids to give to his new wife in one of the episodes, and the major point of it was that Carla was able to overcome his influence in order to get her son back.
- Averted by Carla herself, who refuses to accept that he has changed until everyone else gets on her case about it. When she finally caves, his other wife comes back to him, and after telling her he doesn't want her back, convincing Carla, he realizes it wasn't a test and gives an excuse about having a sudden disease that needs cured, leaving Carla and proving her right.
- Going to the Store: Nick, when he has broken up with Loretta and is trying to win Carla back. Carla tricks him into thinking Loretta wants him back to get him to reveal he hasn't changed.Nick: I'm going out for some cigarettes!
Carla: You don't smoke!
Nick: I've been thinking about starting! I've heard good things! - Prepositions Are Not to End Sentences With: Diane the Grammar Nazi pedant liked to hit this rule. She points at a newly repentant Nick and says "And if you'll pardon me ending a sentence with a preposition, that is the man whose shoes you wouldn't cross the room to spit upon."
- Secret Test of Character:
- Carla phones Nick and pretends to be Loretta (doing a scarily good impersonation of Loretta's little-girl voice), and invites Nick to come back. Nick goes tearing out the door of the bar—and then stops and comes back and proclaims his love for Carla. Carla suspects that Nick knew it was really her, and events prove her right.
- Averted at the end. Loretta comes in person and asks Nick to come back. Nick refuses, thinking it's a secret test again. But when Carla says nope, it wasn't a test, Nick leaves again, this time for good.
- Shout-Out: Frasier (Kelsey Grammer) takes Diane to a showing of The Sorrow and the Pity.Frasier: It's the final feature in the Human Brutality Film Festival!
- Verbal Tic: Nick continues his odd habit of pronouncing Loretta's name hyper-correctly, hitting the T's of "Loret-ta".
- Written-In Absence: This week Coach's absence is explained by him having gone off to visit his sister.
