A contest for the most beautiful baby in Virginia City causes trouble for its judges, one of which is Hoss Cartwright. Despite pressure from everywhere, including inside his own home, Hoss swears to judge honestly.
Tropes:
- Blackmail: Cissy blackmails Hoss that if her baby Micheal does not win the baby contest she will reveal that Jennifer was born out of wedlock.
- Does Not Like Spam: Hop Sing serves Mutton Hash which Hoss hates to try to manipulate Hoss into voting for his cousin's baby. Even after the contest, it is implied that Hop Sing will serve it again as revenge for Hoss not voting for his cousin's baby.
- Parental Substitute: Elaine Summer claims to be raising her niece but the trope is subverted when it is revealed that Jennifer is actually her baby out of wedlock.
- Pyrrhic Victory: Cissy Porter's baby wins but, people don't even listen to her acceptance speech, she has ruined all her friendships and Hoss, in particular, is disgusted by her.
- "The Reason You Suck" Speech: Hoss delivers a speech to the parents for their shameful behavior trying to get their babies to win the contest
Hoss: All kids are winners, all babies are beautiful, that is until their parents get a hold of them and start teaching them to cheat and lie and hurt their fellow humans, which is what every one of you is apparently going to do from the way you have been acting here lately.
