Title: The Vests
Directed by: Noam Pitlik
Written by: Nat Mauldin
Air Date: May 7, 1981
Previous: Riot
Next: The Rainmaker
Guest Starring: James Gregory, Don Calfa, Alice Hirson, Warren Munson
"The Vests" is the 20th episode of the 7th season of Barney Miller.
The 12th Precinct gets a shipment of bulletproof vests, which were actually promised to arrive two years ago. Only there aren't enough for the three dozen uniformed cops downstairs—in fact it seems like there are only five or six. Levitt insists that all the detectives, being the senior personnel, take the vests.
Wojo and Harris arrest Arthur Thompson, who was waving a gun in the lobby of a company called Inventrex. Mr. Thompson is a would-be inventor who has come up with "Tan Alert", some crackpot device in which a sunbather attaches electrodes to one's body and a machine alerts one to when one is danger of a sunburn. It soon becomes clear that Inventrex is a scam operation designed to bilk gullible weirdos like Mr. Thompson, who paid $2100 for his ridiculous invention to be marketed.
The other case has the 12th responding to a report of a dangerous person barricaded in an apartment with a cache of weapons, issuing threats. It turns out that the dangerous person is actually a little old lady scared of being evicted.
Meanwhile, Inspector Luger drops by the squad room. Luger, still working for the public relations department of the NYPD, is there to collect biographical details of the detectives, should they be in the news for, say, getting shot. Luger says that the department wants personnel wearing the vests at all times.
Tropes:
- And Starring: James Gregory gets his usual "Special Guest Star" credit.
- Bulletproof Vest: A whole episode revolves around bulletproof vests being issued to the members of the squad, and their reluctance to wear them. Wojo said "It makes me feel like I'm some kind of supercop: like I ought to have a big W across here."
- The Dandy: When Harris sniffs with disdain at the vests, Barney says that they aren't up to "your usual sartorial standards." Harris says that maybe he could just stand behind people that wear them.
- The Eeyore: Inspector Luger, being maudlin and depressing again, talking about how he has no family. This time he manages to depress Barney as well, as while trying to cheer up Luger Barney starts talking about how he's had "financial reverses" and "marital difficulties" and has been turned down three times for promotions to Deputy Inspector.
- Mysterious Past: The Running Gag about Dietrich's mysterious past. Asked by Luger to talk about his childhood, Dietrich says "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." When the scene cuts back to them, Dietrich is droning on about how Schopenhauer and Kant were important to his intellectual development.Luger: I asked you if you had any pets!
Dietrich: Ant farm! - Newhart Phone Call: A frequent gag on the show. Barney is on the phone with a woman complaining about her business, which was interrupted when they evacuated a whole block for the report of the person with guns in an apartment. Barney apologizes for putting "16 girls" out of work for a day. Barney calls the woman "Madam" out of politeness, then says "Just a lucky guess."
- Shaped Like Itself: Mr. Norvis of Inventrex, trying to convince Barney that his company is not scamming gullible rubes, says "Mr. Thompson's device is still being examined and tested by our trained examiners and testers."
- Shout-Out: From Miss St. Clair, the weird but entirely harmless old lady who triggered the mobilization of the whole 12th Precinct when she pretended to have a gun and threatened to shoot her landlord.Miss St. Clair: You know, sergeant, I have always been dependent on the kindness of strangers.
Harris: Didn't Blanche DuBois say that?
Miss St. Clair: Not to me! - Throwing Your Gun at the Enemy: One of Inspector Luger's usual bizarre stories about cops killed in the line of duty. Back in the day one of his buddies took six shots from a perp in his bulletproof vest and was totally unharmed—but then the perp threw his gun at the cop, hit him square in the head, and killed him.
