Comic Books
"You listen to me, Twilight — My god, is that really the name you picked? Twilight? Y'know I lived that idea first, right? (And my vampire was so much better.)"
— Buffy, Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season 8 #33
Film - Animated
"This is how we're represented. Unbelievable."
— Dracula himself towards a The Twilight Saga stand-in, Hotel Transylvania
Film - Live-Action
"Just because something stopped Bela Lugosi doesn't mean it can stop these things."
—Beau Brower, 30 Days of Night
Literature
Yulric Bile: [laughing] So this is what we have become. Millennia of legend and lore, and now we appear to you as mere adolescents at the height of beauty and bloom. Tell me, are all the stories of my kind thus? Are vampyrs always immortal champions with rosy cheeks and marble physiques?
Amanda: Sometimes they're bad.
Yulric Bile: [laughing even harder] Indeed, sometimes we are bad. Seducing mortals for nefarious ends. Immortality. Beauty. Power. All rolled into a single drama. A pleasant fiction.
Amanda: Mostly.
Yulric Bile: Mostly? Is there a downside to their existence? Is the curse of the Phantom having to choose between locks of gold or tresses of auburn?
Amanda: Sometimes they're bad.
Yulric Bile: [laughing even harder] Indeed, sometimes we are bad. Seducing mortals for nefarious ends. Immortality. Beauty. Power. All rolled into a single drama. A pleasant fiction.
Amanda: Mostly.
Yulric Bile: Mostly? Is there a downside to their existence? Is the curse of the Phantom having to choose between locks of gold or tresses of auburn?
— An Unattractive Vampire by Jim McDoniel
"I may mention, in passing, that the deadly pallor attributed to that sort of revenant is a mere melodramatic fiction."
— Laura, Carmilla
Live-Action TV
"Oh God, I'm Pattinson!"
— Dean, Supernatural, "Live Free or Twi-Hard"
Adam: Wait! Vampires don't sparkle, do they?
Watch: No! That would be stupid!
Watch: No! That would be stupid!
Tabletop Games
"Bela Lugosi's dead, and so am I. But what's left of Bela is rotting in a pine coffin somewhere, while I have the opportunity to sit here on the balcony, enjoy my drink, and look at you. Correct me if I am presumptuous, but I suspect I have the better end of the deal."
— Opening to Vampire: The Masquerade sourcebook
Video Games
"Well, you can still be destroyed, but forget the books and the movies. Garlic? It's worthless. Cross? Pfft... shove it right up their asses. A stake? Only if it catches you in the heart, and then it just paralyzes you. Running water? Ah, that's no problem. I bathe... Occasionally."
— Smiling Jack, Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines
"And let's face it, Vampires are pretty weak. They can be hurt or killed by sunlight, crosses, wood, silver, fire, magic, beheading, holy water, and garlic... they can't cross running water, can't fix their hair in a mirror, can't even enter a house without being invited. My 2 year old son can walk into someone's house without being invited (and often does). Frankly, it's amazing that this Darwinian failure of a race has made it this far."
— Cysero listing
vampire weaknesses, AdventureQuest Worlds
vampire weaknesses, AdventureQuest Worlds"The Daywalker and all those other fictional bastards are all just shams and garbage. I'm the one and only true ancestor there is in this world. Don't lump me with them. They're just filthy imitations that you bastards dreamed up on your own. Immortals can't die. I can't be killed at night. In other words, this is what it means to excel at survival."
— Wilhelm Ehrenburg, Dies Irae
Tristan: And what kind of vampire wears crosses? Isn't that like one of their weaknesses?
Vampliar/Laurie: Not everything you see on TV or read in books is true about vampires.
Tristen: So you don't sparkle in the sunlight then?
Laurie: No... I wish! That would be so cool!
Tristen: Lame...
Vampliar/Laurie: Not everything you see on TV or read in books is true about vampires.
Tristen: So you don't sparkle in the sunlight then?
Laurie: No... I wish! That would be so cool!
Tristen: Lame...
Webcomics
"Vampires used to be creatures driven by HATE and HUNGER and the need for DOMINANCE! But ever since Meyer took up LeScat's failed legacy, you've all become so faggy that the mention of a new hair gel makes you squeal like a prison bitch in a pass-around!"
— Vlad the Impaler, Fafnir The Dragon – Bloodsuckers Are Not Sexy
"Imagine, getting taken out by a fancy onion."
"It turns out the local vamps are major wimps. They look ugly, they don't fly, and they turn to dust if you just poke 'em with a pencil."
— Sam, Sluggy Freelance, on the vampires in the "Muffin the Vampire Baker" storyarc.
Web Original
"Twilight is that movie where angsty gay vampires do each other's makeup in high school, and instead of sunlight exploding them, it turns their skin into body glitter? I'm not judging you, man; that's a really, really cool thing to enjoy."
— Seanbaby, in response to Carlos Mencia tweeting that he enjoyed the film
Web Videos
Edward: [hears knocking on the door] Hold on. [goes to the door] Who is it?
Alucard: Oh, you know. [Shoots Edward thirty-seven times through the door] A REAL fucking vampire!
Alucard: Oh, you know. [Shoots Edward thirty-seven times through the door] A REAL fucking vampire!
I’ve got nothing in common
With the vampires of today
They gaze at girls,
And pout and brood,
And then just run away.
This Twilight hack thinks she can come along
And change the vampire rules?
I guess sleeping in coffins and wearing capes
Suddenly “isn’t cool”.
— The Key of Awesome, “Emo Vampire”
"VAMPIRES DON'T SPARKLE!!!"
— The Nostalgia Critic (on the changes to Vampire Lore in The Twilight Saga), The Nostalgia Critic
