Quotes / You Need to Get Laid

Anime & Manga

"I really didn't come here looking to fight you... but if it's some one-on-one you want, I hear you have a great red light district."

— Maeda Keiji, Sengoku Basara anime

Fan Works

Jubilee: I mean, even if Scott and Jean have been having sex all this time, I don’t see how it hurts anybody. Hell, I can see some benefits to it!

Bobby: Yeah, maybe that was why they were so uptight to begin with! They just needed to get laid!

— My Friend, My Lover

And so Fire Lord Sozin was left with a harem containing nothing but oversized pillows.
A week later he had drawn up a first draft of plans to conquer the world.

— The Ember Island Lighthouse: A Beacon of Insanity fic

"Well, His Majesty knows because it happened on Avalon, and therefore he knows about it. And what he said and your reactions made it easy for me to figure it out. Congratulations, by the way. You both look so damn happy I’m envious all over again. You two both needed last night, I think. You’re practically glowing, and giving off a cloud of very specific pheromones so powerful I’m practically getting a contact high from standing downwind of you. Every Imperial here is going to be able to tell because of things like that. There’s also the hundred subtle cues of posture, facial expression, and body language that tell say, trained psychiatrists, for example, that things between you two are different from yesterday."

— Ching, A Crown of Stars, chapter 43

"What do you think you're doing?" sputtered Captain Janeway. "I mean what do I think I'm doing? I mean...you know what I mean! This is a direct violation of the Temporal Prime Directive!"
"Prime, schmime," scoffed Admiral Janeway. "Federation parameters, Starfleet regulations...I went 23 years without sex because of that rubbish, and look what it's done to me!" she shouted, indicating her white hair. "Well I'm going to change things. Kathryn, I want you to have sex with Chakotay. Hell, have sex with anybody! Just stop being such a sanctimonious bitch and GET LAID!"

— The Alternate Factor, a Star Trek: Voyager Parody Fic

The Dicktor: Captain Analway, I must speak to you on a matter crucial to the future of this ship! Need I remind you that it has been seven years since the USS Voyorgy was stranded in the Dildo Quadrant, and you still haven't addressed the all-important subject of reproduction?

Captain Analway: Reproduction? You mean...er...sex?

The Dicktor: Yes, sex. Sex! SSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEX! The entire crew needs to have lots and lots of sex!

Captain Analway: Dicktor, you know perfectly well that's contrary to regulations. Sex on Suxfleet vessels has been banned since the Trip/T'Pol Neuropressure Scandal of 2153 damaged Human/Vulcan relations for over a hundred years.

The Dicktor: That didn't stop Captain Kirk from shagging everything in sight!

Captain Analway: Yes, and look at the results! We're 70,000 light years from Earth, yet every week we run into human-looking aliens!

— Hardcore Entertainment presents: 'Seven Does Voyager'

Jakuzure: You installed circular saw traps to stop anyone climbing the walls of our high school.
Sanageyama: And homing missiles.
Inumuta: I was also going to get the Director's approval to modify the REVOCS comms satellite above the school into an orbital railgun, but Lady Satsuki vetoed it.
Gamagoori: Inumuta, I say this purely in the spirit of friendship, and as one of your oldest and most loyal allies, but... you really need to get a girlfriend.

— The Great Honnoji Academy Coup

Film — Live-Action

Jack: Who makes all these [swords]?
Will: I do! And I practice with them three hours a day!
Jack: You need to find yourself a girl, mate.

— Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

"No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how."

— Rhett Butler, Gone with the Wind

"When I first met Jack, he told me to keep my snake in its cage for 72 hours. I think somebody's been keeping their snake in its cage for the past 30 years!"

— Greg Focker, Little Fockers

Woman Journalist: Tell me, Mr. Bowman, in your opinion do these men climb to prove their manhood, or is it more a matter of compensating for inferiority feelings?

Ben Bowman: Lady, why don't you go get yourself screwed? It would do you a lot of good.

— The Eiger Sanction (1975)

Literature

There was spring, a man's love, his heat and his strength, his smell, the joy of taking and being taken, everything you don't know, that you're dying to know and never will. You must not be attractive in bed if your husband prefers boys.

— Marguerite de Bourgogne to Isabelle de France (her sister-in-law, married to the homosexual Edward II of England), The Accursed Kings

"You don't have any place to channel all that adolescent frustration boiling inside you. Isn't that what's really fueling all this impulsive behaviour? Snap out of it. Go find yourself a good-looking guy and let him walk you home from school. Heck, go see a movie with him on Sunday or something."

— Kyon, Haruhi Suzumiya

"Still, a man like you and it's been four years. I have immense personal respect for you, wizard, but that's just....sad."

— Lara Raith, White Night

"Life is short. If you have not made love recently, please, put down this book, and take care of that with all haste. Find a wanton lass or a frisky lad, or several, in whatever combination your wise loins direct, and do not under any circumstances play hard to get. Our struggle against the colossal forces of oppression can wait."

[Beat]

"Good. Welcome back."

— Ahzirr Traajijazeri

"Honey, you need to get laid."

"Why don't you speak a little louder, Lanie?" she whispered. "I don't think the guys in Canada were able to hear you."

"Oh, I don't know," the gorgeous brown-haired waiter said as he stopped by their table. "They're probably headed south even as we speak."

— Fantasy Lover

Live-Action TV

Marshall: My professor's like the toughest grader I've ever seen. She got, like, a bad divorce this summer and she's taking it out on us. To tell you the truth, I think she just needs to get laid.
Barney: Really? Laid, you say?

— How I Met Your Mother, "Aldrin Justice"

Rosa: C'mon, sir, the math thing isn't the problem. Night shift's keeping you and Kevin apart. You two just need to bone.
(Amy makes an Oh, Crap! face)
Holt: ...what did you say?
Amy: Don't say it again!
Rosa: I said you two need to bone.
(Beat as Amy closes her eyes and braces herself for the inevitable)
Holt: Hooooooww dare you, Detective Diaz? I am your SUPERIOR OFFICER!
(five minutes later)
Holt: (in the doorway of his office) BOOOOOOONE?!?!?!
(ten minutes later)
Holt: (back next to Diaz's and Santiago's desks) What happens in my bedroom, Detective, is none of your business.
(21 minutes later)
Holt: (once again in the doorway of his office) BOOOOOOOONE?!?!?!?!
(40 minutes later)
Holt: (calmly, in front of Diaz and Santiago) Don't ever speak to me like that ever again. (walks back to his office)
Amy: (faintly) Why did you do that?
Rosa: Dude was pent up. Now he knows. Problem solved.

— Brooklyn Nine-Nine, "Skyfire Cycle"

Kochanski: Rimmer?

Rimmer: Yes Ma'am?

Kochanski: Have sex with someone, and that's an order.

Rimmer: Yes Ma'am, right away.

Lister: (Handing Rimmer a business card) Here, ring this number, say I sent you, tell them it's an emergency.

— Red Dwarf

"Connor, you should get out more. Go to a bar, meet a nice girl, life will seem a whole lot less confusing to you then."

— Nick Cutter, Primeval

"Ninety-nine percent of the trouble in the world is caused by unmarried men."

— Schulz, Duel of Honor

The Eleventh Doctor: (fending off an amorous Amy Pond) I'm 907 years old! Do you understand what that means?!
Amy: It's been a while?
The Eleventh Doctor: Ye—No, no, no!

— Doctor Who, "Flesh and Stone"

Music

I went to a shrink
To analyze my dreams
She says it's lack of sex that's bringing me down

— Green Day, "Basket Case"

Having sex can make a nice man out of the meanest!

— The Lonely Island, "I Just Had Sex"

Video Games

Doctor Fate: Order shall prevail!

Green Arrow: You really need to get laid.

— Injustice 2

Web Original

This led directly into a new Uncanny X-Men, with Cyclops the mutant revolutionary rock star at its center. In a little over a decade, Scott Summers went from boring boy scout to jaw-dropping, unapologetic cover boy. All it took was a little kinky sex.

— Rowan Kaiser summing up Cyclops' post-2000s characterization

#228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2.

—1975 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG

''It's hard not to look all all these war games about Russia invading America and not be reminded of fan-fiction. America is a fat teenage virgin lying on her front on her bed staring up at her Edward and Bella poster while crossing and uncrossing her ankles and dreamily writing creepy stories about having filthy monkey sex with the quiet Eastern European boy down the road. And the child psychologist hired by her concerned parents gives the following advice: "What this girl needs is a good hard dicking!"

— Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw, Zero Punctuation, "Review of Call of Duty: Black Ops"

"Note from Dr. ██████████: I believe I know where all our bandwidth is going at night. Agent ████'s computer privileges should be limited until he either finds a girlfriend or learns some self-control."

—SCP Foundation

Web Video

"That Kaiba kid needs to get laid."

— Many, many people, Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series

Lady Macbeth: My plan will work! Macbeth just needs to screw his courage to his sticking place!

Sassy Gay Friend: No. He needs to screw his courage to your sticking place.

Lady Macbeth: (gasps)

Sassy Gay Friend: Yeah. I said it. Because, sister, you need a hobby or an orgasm, stat.

— Sassy Gay Friend: Macbeth

"Ah, my favourite; the old 'You need to get laid'. Because, apparently, I've never had sex, and only people who had sex like poorly, lazily produced pop music. If I had known that, I would've never ever had sex in my life, but luckily, 'stupid' is not a sexually-transmitted disease, and I'm fine. I find this argument usually comes from people who are virgins themselves; people who believe 'sex solves everything', because if they ever had sex, they know that it doesn't change the way you perceive music, movies, TV shows, sports, or anything else people like to use this argument for."

— Buckley explaining why this is not a valid argument for disagreeing with his worst song picks.

"I need some puss, that's what I need. I need some puss BAD."

— Joel after ranting about anime

Webcomics

"On the other hand, maybe all of this could have been avoided if you had just managed to get laid once in a while. You can't even tell me you'd be this tightly wound if you were receiving Treasure Type O regularly."

— Roy Greenhilt, The Order of the Stick, to Miko Miyazaki following her fall

Trent: Y'know Max, I don't always agree with your "sex-fixes-everything" stance, but in this case... yeah, holy fuck, [Gina] needs to get laid.
Max FINALLY. YES. THANK YOU.

— Leftover Soup, "What does Gina need?"

Western Animation

"Go ahead and try to hit me if you're able,
Can't you see that my relationship is stable?
I can see you hate the way we intermingle,
But I think that you're just mad because you're single."

—Garnet, singing "Stronger Than You", Steven Universe, "Jailbreak"

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