Quotes / Vice President Who?

"My country has in its wisdom contrived for me the most insignificant office that ever the invention of man contrived or his imagination conceived."

—John Adams, complaining to his wife in 1793

"I do not propose to be buried until I am dead."

—Daniel Webster, longtime Massachusetts senator, in turning down the Whig Party's offer to become the vice presidential candidate alongside Zachary Taylor in 1848^note Ironically, had he accepted and events continued as they did in real life, Webster would have become president following Taylor's death in 1850; a role that was ultimately taken by Millard Fillmore.

"Not worth a bucket of warm piss."

—John Nance Garner, 32nd vice president (under Franklin Delano Roosevelt), regarding the office^note  The last word was sometimes bowdlerised to "spit" in press reports. When Garner found out about said euphemism, he was much annoyed.

"If you give me a week, I might think of one. I don't remember."

—Dwight D. Eisenhower, responding to Time magazine reporter Charles Luce's ask for an example of how Richard Nixon had contributed to the Eisenhower Administration, August 1960^note Eisenhower later said, essentially, "I Was Just Joking," and Nixon backed him up. Given the razor-thin margin by which Senator John F. Kennedy beat Nixon in the 1960 presidential election, though, this comment might have cost the Republicans the White House, especially considering the Democrats used that quotation in a campaign ad.

"I wonder how many people here tonight remember Hubert Humphrey. He used to be a senator. From time to time you read something about him pinning a medal on somebody or making a speech, or every now and then you read something in one of those "Where Are They Now?" columns. Whatever became of Deanna Durbin and Hubert Humphrey and so on. This became quite an issue last winter at the time of Winston Churchill's funeral when President Johnson was too ill to go and somebody suggested that he send Hubert and he said, 'Hubert who?'"

— Tom Lehrer, That Was the Year That Was

Hello Vice President _________,

If you are reading this letter you've just been elected Vice President. That means your most vital job is already done, namely, "balancing the ticket." Congratulations on being from a region geographically disparate from that of the President. Well done!

Now begins your term of duty. The hard work is about to begin. Are you sitting down? Good. That's it. Is there a clock nearby? Look at it. You will come to know it well, for its glacially turning second hand marks the excruciating march to the end of your meaningless days in this office.

Don't get too comfortable. Constitutionally speaking you are the President of the Senate and may therefore be called upon to cast a tie-breaking Senate Vote. Don't worry though. It probably won't happen ^* Has happened a total of 258 times, with more than half occurring before the Civil War and if they need you, they'll call.

So that's about it. The liquor cabinet is usually fully stocked. Go ahead, fix yourself a stiff one. There's no reason why you shouldn't spend the better part of your day in a drunken stupor. Just remember, shave for the State of the Union. You have to sit behind the President for that one.

Good luck.

P.S. One other thing: You must be prepared to take over at a moment's notice if the Commander-in-Chief should be unable to serve, Just a heads up there.

— Vice Presidential Welcome Letter, America (The Book)

Guide: You seem to know the vice president pretty well. What kind of a fellow is he?
Vice-President Throttlebottom: He's all right. He's a nice fellow when you get to know him, but nobody wants to know him.
Guide: What's the matter with him?
Throttlebottom: There's nothing the matter with him. Just vice president.
Guide: Well, what does he do all the time?
Throttlebottom: He sits around in the parks, and feeds the pigeons, and takes walks, and goes to the movies. The other day he was going to join the library, but he had to have two references, so he couldn't get in.

— Of Thee I Sing

Eliza: Angelica, tell this man John Adams spends the summer with his family.
Alexander: Angelica, tell my wife John Adams doesn't have a real job anyway.

—Hamilton

Riek Machar: Gee whiz, Salva Kiir, for someone who calls himself a "president", that's pretty dictator-y of you.

Salva Kiir: Well, for someone who calls himself a "vice president", that's pretty annoying asshole-y of you.

—Sam O'Nella Academy, "South Sudan, the World's Newest Country"

Leslie P. Lillylegs: Look, rabbit, I don't think you know who you're messing with.
Bugs Bunny: You're right. I don't. And you are…?
Leslie P. Lillylegs: I AM THE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!
Bugs Bunny: We still have one of those?

—Wabbit

"Hey, this is the most consequential election of our lifetimes, but still, nobody cares about the vice president. You never hear a midwestern mom say, 'Kayla's going to regionals — as an alternate!' The vice president is just there in case of an emergency, and I'm sure Mike Pence hates it — just hates it — that he is literally plan B."

—Seth Meyers on the 2020 VP debate, Late Night

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