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Season 1
Mackenzie: Who the fuck are you?
Deandra: Who the fuck are you?
Mackenzie: I asked you first.
Deandra: I asked you second.
— Episode 1 ("The New Girl")
Deandra: Hi, lunch lady Belinda.
Belinda: Hello, new girl, how's your first week at Overland Park?
Deandra: It's fine, I guess. Can I get a hot dog?
Belinda: Anything else?
Deandra: Um, let me get some tater tots. Oh, and also a slice of pepperoni pizza. And also a basket of jalapeno poppers. And some chicken nuggets. A ketchup boat, three potato pancakes, a creamsicle, two quesadillas, a bread loaf, side of ranch, some pixie stix, taco salad, order of ribs, Aaaaaand...a diet coke. No, a strawberry shake. No, Diet Coke. No, both.
Belinda: That is gonna be one huge shit.
Belinda: Hello, new girl, how's your first week at Overland Park?
Deandra: It's fine, I guess. Can I get a hot dog?
Belinda: Anything else?
Deandra: Um, let me get some tater tots. Oh, and also a slice of pepperoni pizza. And also a basket of jalapeno poppers. And some chicken nuggets. A ketchup boat, three potato pancakes, a creamsicle, two quesadillas, a bread loaf, side of ranch, some pixie stix, taco salad, order of ribs, Aaaaaand...a diet coke. No, a strawberry shake. No, Diet Coke. No, both.
Belinda: That is gonna be one huge shit.
— Episode 5 ("$57 Lunch")
Mikayla: Don't worry, I've got this.
Deandra: What the fuck was that?
Mikayla: It was me, Mikayla Van Buren!
Deandra: Oh, Jesus Christ! Is that a fucking Gremlin?
Mikayla: No. I'm a third grader.
Deandra: Whatever, just no one feed that fucking thing after midnight.
— Episode 5 ("$57 Lunch")
Trisha: Ashley. Katchadorian. You were supposed to be watching the door.
Ashley: Oh, no, I know. It's just, my family and I, we went to Pearl Harbor for two weeks, so it's kind of a thing we do every year. Didn't you get the vacation request form I submitted before I le—
Trisha: You...were supposed to be watching the door.
Ashley: Well, yeah, I know, but I submitted the form and I was gonna—
Trisha: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING THE DOOR! [sobbing] Ashley Katchadorian!
Ashley: Um, Trisha, are you—
Trisha: [holding Deandra's arms] Do you know what these are, Ashley Katchadorian?! These are a little girl's arms! A little girl with dreams, with legs...
Ashley: Uh—
Trisha: With a head...
Ashley: Uh, really, Trisha—
Trisha: She's a pencil! She's a swizzle stick! You can use her as a pool noodle! And now I'm holding up her arms! ARMS!
Ashley: Okay, b—but I was—
Trisha: I'm holding them because you weren't watching the door!
Ashley: Uh...I was at Pearl Harbor.
Trisha: A girl lost her arms, Ashley Katchadorian. A girl lost her fucking arms! Do you not know what has transpired while you were in Pearl Harbor, seeing the fucking Japanese museum? We had our own Pearl Harbor here today! Oh my God, how could you do this to us? You literally bombed us, like the Japanese you are! And me...I'm Ben Affleck. And I'm Ben Affleck, and I'm holding two fucking girls' arms! And you're Cuba Gooding Jr., disappointing everybody!
Ashley: [sobbing]
Trisha: Live with that!
— Episode 11 ("Deandra's Arms")
Season 2
"Actually, I did know that, Blaine. But do you know what didn't come from France? This motherfucking beret-wearing, boyfriend-stealing, giggling, stuttering piece of Canadian horseshit! Yeah, I said it! Fuck you, Saison Margeurite! Fuck you, fuck your boyfriend, and fuck the fucking fetus that's growing inside of the disease-ridden void that you call a goddamn womb! And fuck you, Shay Van Buren! Fuck you, you shitty glob of donkey cum! I hope you burn in hell for the shitty things you did today, because you are not the least bit sneaky, you're not the least bit clever, and your only talent is opening your legs to penises that would rather be inside of me!"
— Brittnay Matthews, Episode 20 ("Babes Having Babies")
Deandra: Alright, I tried using logic and I tried to reason with you guys, but now I'll spell it right out. Either you three leave Overland Park of your own accord, or I use my titanium robot arm to forcibly expel you from Overland Park, followed by all of your organs shortly thereafter. Got it?
Tanya: Oh, please. You wouldn't hurt a fly.
Deandra: You're right. Because a fly is an innocent creature that never knowingly did anything to anybody. You, however, I would maim.
— Episode 22 ("Miss Cinnabon")
Season 3
"Alright, Jenna, that's it, I'm done. You have crossed my last line. Congratulations! Because from here on out, I will not sleep until your life is completely fucked. I am the queen of revenge, Jenna. I've disbanded cheer squads, ruined people's social lives, and I fucking ripped a girl's arms off! But all of that is going to pale in comparison to what I am going to do to you. Mark my words: I will destroy every part of your life. I will not stop until you are sitting alone in a dark hole, thinking over and over again, 'Why did I ever fuck with Mackenzie Zales?'"
— Mackenzie Zales, Episode 47 ("Vintage Cheer Uniforms")
"Guys. I've got an idea, just hear me out. Maybe we should just like whatever it is we like. And if other people start liking it too, that's not bad. In fact, it probably means that whatever it is we like is pretty good. Only now we have people we can share it with. And if nobody else likes it, well, that's okay too, because it makes us happy."
— Ashley Katchadorian, Episode 57 ("State Championship, Part 3")
Mackenzie: So, Brittnay's car gets blown up, she punches you in the face, I get my parent teacher conference, and your dad gets to make a nice new friend who he sends a bunch of dick pics to.
Jenna Darabond: Yeah, but I didn't blow up Brittnay's car!
Mackenzie: Oh, I know, Jenna...I did.
— Episode 58 ("State Championships, Part 4")
Season 4
"I'm not like these two. I don't get sacrificed. I don't ever want to be the one who gets fucked over. So I'll be your enforcer. But don't fuck me. Don't you ever fuck me. [...] Because if you do, I'll burn your entire world to the ground."
—Brittnay Matthews, Episode 60 ("Brittnay's First Day")
"Enough! No, I'm fucking sick of this shit. The two of you are friends. Best friends. And I might be dumb, but I'm not blind, and anyone with two eyes and two hearts can see that your lost without each other. Were mistakes made? Yeah! Were feelings hurt? You're goddamn right they were! ...No, you shut up! You shut up, Mackenzie! I'm talking! ...Should you have blown up her car? No! Should you have refused her apology and joined up with Shay Van Buren? Fuck no! But what's done is done, and we can't change the past. All we can do is accept the reality of the situation we find ourselves in today. And the reality of that situation is that you two need each other. Brittnay, you make Mackenzie stronger. Mackenzie, you make Brittany smarter. Together, the two of you are fucking unstoppable! You're the leaders of the greatest cheer squad in the history of the world. You can win championships, expose corruption, you two can be President...consecutively or simultaneously, whatever you want. But apart, well, you two can't get much of anything done, can you? You two were the reason I joined this squad. You made me believe in something, and that something was "I am awesome and everyone else suck nuts!" More importantly, without each other, you're missing your best friend. And if there're one thing that I've learned in this crazy fucking world, it's that shit ain't worth living if you ain't got your best friend. Let me tell you a little story about some best friends I happen to know very well. Their names are Matt and Ben. They wrote a movie together and won a fucking Oscar. That's right, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck teamed up together and won a fucking Oscar. They split up and went their separate ways, and that's when Reindeer Games happened. Gigli happened. No one wants to buy a fucking zoo, Matt Damon! But when they got back together, Beautiful art happened. I’m talking Argo. The Town. I'm talking Gone Girl! That shit was amazing! Brittnay, Mackenzie, there are only two things I care about in this world. One of them is the cheer squad, and the other is the career of Ben Affleck. And I've seen one rise from the ashes, and I want to see another! So, what's it gonna be?"
— Trisha Cappelletti, Episode 70 ("End of the Year Party, Part 3")
Season 5
"My problem? I'll tell you my fucking problem! I live and breathe fashion every day of my life. For the past three years, the United States has won this competition because everybody thinks that America is the new epicenter of the fashion world. New York, Hollywood, they're bullshit! They're nothing compared to Paris! This is where fashion was born, and this is where fashion lives. Fashion does not live on the red carpet of some Amy Schumer, "oh boom boom, here is my cooter" movie. It does not live on the shelves of your local Target store, and it certainly does not live on the oversized ass of Kim Kardashian! Americans are nothing but fat, lazy cunts who think that they're the center of the universe!"
— Juliette Bonnet, Episode 72 ("Bonjour")
"Oh, I completely understand. What words were you trying to avoid? Is it things like hell, damn, fuck, shit, bitch, cunt, ass, cock, dick, cockface, dickface, dickhead, dickwad, cocksmoker, cocksucker? What about words like tits, pussy, twatch, snatch, clitface, cuntface, thundercunt, dipshit, douchebag, dumbass, dumbfuck or dumbshit? I'm sure you're trying to avoid words like bullshit, bastard, bitchtits, buttfucker, asshole, asshat, assclown, asswipe, jackass, shithead, shitface, and whore, right? Are we counting words like piss, cum, cum dumpster and cum guzzler? Oh, goddamit! I almost forgot about fucker, fuckface, fuckstick, fuckwad, fuckboy, clusterfuck, and of course, motherfucker. Are these all the kind of words that you're avoiding, Saison?"
— Brittnay Matthews, Episode 73 ("The Louvre")
"Well, listen, Cameron. I'm sure whatever issue you have with Mackenzie Zales is real fucking important, but the winners of this competition are all going to receive professional modeling contracts. That means photoshoots in New York, apartments in London and vacations in Milan. Now if you wanna go back to the University of Bum-Fuck-Who-Gives-a-Shit and spend your time getting the shocker from some poli-sci professor, you go right ahead. But I suggest you stay here, where you can put that ass and those tits to better use than target practice for some fraternity basement gangbang."
— Jeannie Halverstad, Episode 74 ("The New Team USA")
"Being a model isn't just about being hot. Anybody can be hot. Fucking weather girls are hot. 'Hot' gets you a job firing a T-shirt cannon at a Clippers game. Models are impossible. I'm gonna teach you how to be so goddamn attractive, that when people see you, they're gonna fucking hate themselves. Your job is to set such an impossible standard of beauty, that when normals see you in these designer clothes, they say to themselves, 'Oh my God, maybe if I wear those clothes, I'll look as beautiful as her', even though they'll always be the same chubby little rat people they were before."
— Jeannie Halverstad, Episode 75 ("Glow Up")
Yeah, it's aboot time. (giggles maliciously)
Saison Margeurite, Episode 79 ("The Truth")
"Dude, you were so shitfaced that night, you couldn't have given consent! C'mon man, I'm a pervert, not a fuckin' monster."
— Than Getslinhaumer, Episode 81 ("Taken")
Brittnay: I'll fly with her [Trisha]. Because I'm not gonna be model either, Mackenzie.
Mackenzie: Oh, Brittnay—
Brittnay: No, before you say anything, just hear me out. This...this isn't for me. Being a model's always been your dream, not mine. All I've ever wanted to do is be popular, kick ass and give handjobs. And there's no better place to do that than Overland Park. Besides, if I don't go back, Shay Van Buren's gonna be the most popular girl in school. And I'll die before I let that pig-tailed labradoodle ruin the legacy that you worked so hard to build. It's for the best, Mackenzie.
Mackenzie: No, ah, I was just gonna say...they're not gonna offer you a modeling contract. Because you didn't compete.
Brittnay: Oh, right. Well...ah—
Mackenzie: But...thank you for saying all that!
Brittnay: No, y-yeah, it's fine. It's just... (quietly) fuck. C'mon, Trisha, let's go home.
— Episode 82 ("The Final Walk")
"Look, all I've ever wanted to do was to just find a way to escape all these bitches and assholes we go to school with. But since we got here, Jeannie betrayed us, those French cunts tried to kill us, and I realized...it doesn't matter where you go, there's always gonna be bitches and assholes in your life. So the only thing you can do is surround yourself with the few bitches and assholes you can actually stand being around. And for me, that's you guys."
— Mackenzie Zales, Episode 82 ("The Final Walk")
