Another movie based on an old TV show?
— LL Cool J's commenting on T.J. Hooker: The Movie, and certainly not Charlie's Angels (2000)
If it's based on a TV show, just don't go.
— Jay Sherman, The Critic
It's a retread of a sitcom that ran from about 1979 to 1985, years during which I was able to find better ways to pass my time. Yes, it is still another TV program I have never ever seen. As this list grows, it provides more and more clues about why I am so smart and cheerful.
So Jem is a YouTube star?! The fuck? Why didn’t Jon M. Chu just slash our childhoods in the face while eating a lemon and then spit in the open wounds? It would’ve stung less.
—Michael K.
, "Jem is Truly, Truly Meh"
, "Jem is Truly, Truly Meh"Mr. Burns: Smithers, what made a lot of money in Hollywood recently?
Smithers: Um, adaptations of ancient-but-recognizable pop culture properties and movies where Johnny Depp wears a stupid hat, sir!
Mr. Burns: Eeeeexcellent. Well, I own The Lone Ranger, so let's have Johnny put on a stupid hat and play Tonto.
Smithers: Ah, what else should we put in the movie, sir?
Mr. Burns: Oh, you know the drill, Smithers. Make it an origin story so we can call it a "reimagining", toss in some unnecessarily convoluted claptrap mystery so it looks smarter than it is, take a lot of snarky pot-shots at the original so the audience can feel hip, and make everything so oppressively crowded and grim that nobody can tell if they're numb or just bored.
Smithers: Um, adaptations of ancient-but-recognizable pop culture properties and movies where Johnny Depp wears a stupid hat, sir!
Mr. Burns: Eeeeexcellent. Well, I own The Lone Ranger, so let's have Johnny put on a stupid hat and play Tonto.
Smithers: Ah, what else should we put in the movie, sir?
Mr. Burns: Oh, you know the drill, Smithers. Make it an origin story so we can call it a "reimagining", toss in some unnecessarily convoluted claptrap mystery so it looks smarter than it is, take a lot of snarky pot-shots at the original so the audience can feel hip, and make everything so oppressively crowded and grim that nobody can tell if they're numb or just bored.
— Creative genesis of The Lone Ranger (according to Moviebob)
And really, why the hell do we have to have a $76 million dollar Rocky and Bullwinkle movie? At the end of the day, that is the question investors should have been asking.
