"Strap on your fantasy seat belts and brace your asses for.... The Adventure Zone!"
— The Announcer, Ep. 1 Here There Be Gerblins - Chapter One
"YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU THREW MY DOG IN THE FIRE!"
— Klarg, Ep. 2 Here There Be Gerblins - Chapter Two
"Abraca-fuck-you!"
— Taako, Ep. 4 Here There Be Gerblins - Chapter Four
"Oh nooo! The mystery is solved! You’ve solved my final riddle, you are ze new riddle master… Congratulations, you have proven yourselves quite the adventurers… oh, I’ve landed on Bryan. Ahhh, Bryan, I’m so proud of zem… I’m going to die now."
— Magic Brian (as he's falling to his death, while Clint, Justin and Travis are all pissing themselves laughing), Ep. 4 Here There Be Gerblins - Chapter Four
"What will our heroes find on the moon? I hope it's not aliens, because I'm afraid of those."
— The Announcer, Ep. 7 Moonlighting - Chapter One
"Come on, ride the train. It's the choo choo and ride it! *restrained laughter* It's The Adventure Zone!"
— The Announcer, Ep. 12 Murder on the Rockport Limited - Chapter Three
“I wanna tell you a story about the time there were three ogres, right? And then one of ‘em hit me so hard I almost died. You were sitting up in some sort of weird laser just shooting flasks willy-nilly, Travis was ripping the arms off a robot, and I got punched so hard I almost died! I’m not gonna go toe-to-toe with a crab while you’re armed with a terrible Scottish accent, and Travis doesn’t even have his shield! I’m out!”
— Taako/Justin, Ep. 13 Murder on the Rockport Limited - Chapter Four
"Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell."
— Taako/Justin, Ep. 15 Murder on the Rockport Limited - Chapter Six
"If our heroes can't stop this runaway train, then I'm going to have to find a new podcast to introduce. Is Serial hiring?"
— The Announcer, Ep. 16 Murder on the Rockport Limited - Chapter Seven
"It’s not all abraca-fuck-you and what have you. I have a beating heart! I’m multidimensional! I’m a fully realized creation! FUCK!"
— Taako, Ep. 23 Petals to the Metal - Chapter Six
"Listen, listen, I got a plan - let’s go eat some ooatssssss. Spectral oooatssssss."
— Garyl, Ep. 25 Petals to the Metal - Chapter Eight
"Hot diggity shit, this is a baller cookie."
— Lucretia, Ep. 29 The Crystal Kingdom - Chapter One
Pulled from my home inside a cloud
Lost to the dark I drift alone
Now I'm returned beyond the shroud
Ever to reign upon my throne
Here in my crystal kingdom
I saw beyond the universe
Far past the places we should see
But for my vision I was cursed
Torn from my home and family
Lost to my crystal kingdom
Saved from the darkness by my child
Locked in a cage of glass and steel
But my true love remains in exile
Beckoning me to break the seal
Into this crystal kingdom
Kept from our children, lovers, friends
Subject to laws we did not make
This is where separation ends
And souls of the lost will come awake
Enter this crystal kingdom
Lost to the dark I drift alone
Now I'm returned beyond the shroud
Ever to reign upon my throne
Here in my crystal kingdom
I saw beyond the universe
Far past the places we should see
But for my vision I was cursed
Torn from my home and family
Lost to my crystal kingdom
Saved from the darkness by my child
Locked in a cage of glass and steel
But my true love remains in exile
Beckoning me to break the seal
Into this crystal kingdom
Kept from our children, lovers, friends
Subject to laws we did not make
This is where separation ends
And souls of the lost will come awake
Enter this crystal kingdom
— The Crystal Kingdom
"You're going to be amazing."
— Lady Istus, Ep. 47 The Eleventh Hour - Chapter Seven
"I'll be having my body back, you undead fuck."
— Magnus, Ep. 56 The Suffering Game - Chapter Six
"I cast prestidigitation, shoot sparks out of my fingers, cast minor illusion, put myself in a dope outfit, and start walkin' down the catwalk with all the style and panache I can muster, which is - I should note - a fuckin' lot."
— Taako, Ep. 56 The Suffering Game - Chapter Six
"How would you like to live forever?"
"I'd hate it. Shut the fuck up."
— The Animus Bell and Magnus, Ep. 57 The Suffering Game - Chapter Seven
"We see the Bureau of Balance Headquarters, and it's now. We see Magnus laying out his possessions, his mind still addled with memories he cannot quite process or explain. We see Merle, the dwarven cleric, and Taako, the elvish wizard, departing a large, emptied out megastore and walking towards the main dome on the far side of the complex; still unsure in their stride. We see the inside of that dome, at the Director making preparations to destroy the Grand Relic as Davenport delivers it. We see Angus McDonald, the world's greatest detective, watching this process intently, as he watches most things. We see Carrie, inconsolable at the unceremonious death of her best friend. She is in her private quarters with her girlfriend, Killian, and her robotic teammate Noel — neither of whom know exactly what to say. What do you say?"
"We see Johan, who has just finished restringing a fiddle, which he plucks happily as he prepares to compose a new meal for the Void Fish, which floats nervously in its tank. Then we're back outside, and we pan up, and up… and up. Past the sky, past space, past the boundaries of the Prime Material Plane that this story takes place in. And we see more planes now; the Astral Plane, the Plane of Thought, the Elemental Planes, all twelve Planes that make up our Planar System moving in perfect orbit, perfect synchronicity, sustaining each other in a meticulous, demanding dance."
"And then we pan up. And we see a Thirteenth Plane descend. It is a disc of shimmering, living darkness, crossed with ribbons of blue, red, green, and gold. It is larger than all the other Planes combined, and as it lowers...slowly...bright white eyes begin to open all along the underside of this Plane — millions of them, burning with malice and hunger, all of them focused inward and down, back down, all the way down to the Bureau of Balance headquarters. And somewhere in that Plane, a smile flashes across someone's face."
—'The Reunion Tour Interlude, Ep. 58 Lunar Interlude V; Reunion Tour - Part 1
"We've chosen the perfect person for this, it's like sending a mildly eloquent piñata in!"
—Taako/Justin, Ep. 63 The Stolen Century - Chapter Four
"John, thanks for the chess game, and... kiss my ass, you sanctimonious bastard."
—Merle Highchurch, Ep. 63 The Stolen Century - Chapter Four
"Our capacity for love increases with each person we cross paths with throughout our lives and with each moment we spend with those people. But too often we neglect that part of ourselves in favor of others, and by the time we realize just how important it is, we find ourselves with fewer folks around to practice with. But the seven of you have something that nobody else ever had. Time. All the time in the world. Time enough to grow indescribably close. Time enough to, to learn how to care for each other, how to allow yourselves to be cared for. And in the case of Barry and Lup, time enough to fall deeply and truly in love."
—Griffin McElroy, Ep. 64 The Stolen Century - Chapter Five
“Sometimes there aren't good decisions. Sometimes there's just decisions.”
—Taako, Ep. 66 The Stolen Century - Chapter Seven
“When someone leaves your life, those exits are not made equal. Some are beautiful and poetic and satisfying. Others are abrupt and unfair. But most are just unremarkable, unintentional, and clumsy.”
—Griffin McElroy, Ep. 66 The Stolen Century - Chapter Seven
"When you were away on missions, she worried. When you came home, she rejoiced. She tried her hardest not to show it, not to give herself away. With each meal, each Candle Nights gift exchanged, the nights spent walking the Bureau’s campus, the trips to the spa. She fought back a smile that you came to treasure during your 100 year journey: a radiant smile, full of joy, and relief. It’s the same smile you just saw, moments ago, when Magnus burst into the dome, alive again, a mannequin no longer. Her friends were here again, in her hour of greatest need. But that smile is gone now. The Hunger’s here, again. You’ve escaped it 100 times, but no more. This is it. THIS IS IT!"
—Griffin McElroy, Ep. 66 The Stolen Century - Chapter Seven
"When people talk about that day, they call it... Well, some of them call it lots of different things. "The Apocalypse". "The Cataclysm". Some simply call it "The Attack". Religious types, the- the ones who felt abandoned by their absent gods in those moments, they call it "Judgement Day", a-a sort of punishment for the world's wicked ways. One particularily poetic title some use is "The Day of the Unseen Invasion". Though, I take umbrage with that one. After all, there were those who knew something was coming.
The Reaper known as Kravitz, in his kingdom of death, he knew because he could see it all around, choking the Astral Plane, cutting it off from the rest of the system. He was safe, but only just safe. He needed out. He needed to fulfill his sacred duty back in the living world. And so, in that place, filled with those who had profaned the laws of life and death that he swore to uphold, the Reaper known as Kravitz struck a deal.
The medium Paloma saw it too, in a manner of speaking. In the morning, her crystalline prophecies, which hung for decades from the ceiling of her humble hut in the town of Refuge, fell and shattered in unison. Her home was flooded with visions of the two catastrophies this day could bring: a world of darkness, or a world of ash. When the visions cleared, Paloma surveyed her ruined home. Her livelihood was gone, save for one prophecy, that stayed suspended. Carefully, she cut it down and gathered the citizens of this once time-sick village. They would travel east, to the time and place where they were required.
The scientist Lucas Miller couldn't see the Hunger, but in his gemstone windows to the worlds outside, he could see the chaos it inflicted. The troubled currents of the Elemental Planes, the explosive disruptions of the Plane of Magic, the outright panic in the bustling cities of the Plane of Thought. And here, in his world, the damage was... indescribable. Months ago, he had made a promise to atone for his past sins by doing some measure of good with his life. Today, he would see that promise fulfilled.
And Istus, the Goddess of Fate, well... she sees everything. While the other deities toiled and conspired to find a way out of the Celestial Plane in which they were trapped, Istus continued her divine and meticulous work. The tapestry she wove would tell the story of this day, but the tapestry was incomplete. She didn't know the shape of it, not yet, that simply wasn't how it worked. In time, the full arc of her efforts would be revealed to her, but for now, all she could see was its origins. A dome-shaped room, where a family that once wandered through existence for a century were reunited — truly reunited — at last.
[...] When people talk about that day, they call it different things. But for this moment, when every living person across the whole of reality simultaneously received the Voidfish's gifts, for this moment and the moments that followed, moments of heroism, and sacrifice, and luck... These moments are why WE call this day... "The Day of Story and Song!"
The Reaper known as Kravitz, in his kingdom of death, he knew because he could see it all around, choking the Astral Plane, cutting it off from the rest of the system. He was safe, but only just safe. He needed out. He needed to fulfill his sacred duty back in the living world. And so, in that place, filled with those who had profaned the laws of life and death that he swore to uphold, the Reaper known as Kravitz struck a deal.
The medium Paloma saw it too, in a manner of speaking. In the morning, her crystalline prophecies, which hung for decades from the ceiling of her humble hut in the town of Refuge, fell and shattered in unison. Her home was flooded with visions of the two catastrophies this day could bring: a world of darkness, or a world of ash. When the visions cleared, Paloma surveyed her ruined home. Her livelihood was gone, save for one prophecy, that stayed suspended. Carefully, she cut it down and gathered the citizens of this once time-sick village. They would travel east, to the time and place where they were required.
The scientist Lucas Miller couldn't see the Hunger, but in his gemstone windows to the worlds outside, he could see the chaos it inflicted. The troubled currents of the Elemental Planes, the explosive disruptions of the Plane of Magic, the outright panic in the bustling cities of the Plane of Thought. And here, in his world, the damage was... indescribable. Months ago, he had made a promise to atone for his past sins by doing some measure of good with his life. Today, he would see that promise fulfilled.
And Istus, the Goddess of Fate, well... she sees everything. While the other deities toiled and conspired to find a way out of the Celestial Plane in which they were trapped, Istus continued her divine and meticulous work. The tapestry she wove would tell the story of this day, but the tapestry was incomplete. She didn't know the shape of it, not yet, that simply wasn't how it worked. In time, the full arc of her efforts would be revealed to her, but for now, all she could see was its origins. A dome-shaped room, where a family that once wandered through existence for a century were reunited — truly reunited — at last.
[...] When people talk about that day, they call it different things. But for this moment, when every living person across the whole of reality simultaneously received the Voidfish's gifts, for this moment and the moments that followed, moments of heroism, and sacrifice, and luck... These moments are why WE call this day... "The Day of Story and Song!"
— Griffin McElroy, "Ep. 67 Story and Song - Finale, part 1"
"You all know the story now, right? You know what this thing is capable of? I know you're scared, this... This is scary! But we can do this. And you're going to come away from this fight with some kick-ass stories about this day. Those things over there, for a century, we have watched them take what they want to take, consume the worlds that they want to consume. That. Stops. Here!"
— Lup, "Ep. 68 Story and Song - Finale, Part 2"
"See, there's magic in a bard's song. They call it inspiration, and it tells the listener what they need to hear right when they need to hear it, and right now you hear it too. The message in the music heard around the world. You hear... Johann's voice, telling you:"
"You're going to have to fight, and... you're gonna win!"
— Griffin McElroy, "Ep. 68 Story and Song - Finale, part 2"
"Yeah, you know… the fact of the matter is, your life is a constant stream of changes, I mean, you start one day accepting a job offer, and you end, saving the world. And you’re going to walk through that door, and your life will never be the same, and I wish I could tell you that everyday from now on will be amazing, and the happiest day of your life, but that’s not the way that life works, but every day will be made better because she’s in it with you. You aren’t going to be alone ever again, even if you’re ever separated, you’ll still never be alone."
—Magnus, to Carey before her marriage to Killian, Ep. 69 Story and Song - Finale, Part 3
