Comic Books
Every day I smoke two hundred cigarettes and one hundred cigars and drink a bottle of whisky and three bottles of wine with dinner. And dinner is meat. Raw meat.
Fan Works
Iron Will was speeding down a highway made of Slim Jims on his lightning-powered motorcycle, his leather jacket with a picture of a lion eating a tri-tip steak on the back flapping in the breeze. He stopped flexing his muscles to adjust his cowboy hat as two large-breasted women on either side of him took off their tops and started to make out. He was passing several mountains made of condensed GMC protein powder.
— The Manliest Story Ever Conceived,
Paragraph One. Yes, it is a My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic fanfic.
Paragraph One. Yes, it is a My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic fanfic.Film—Animated
Bimbettes: For there's no one as burly or brawny!
Gaston: As you see, I've got biceps to spare!
Lefou: Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny!
Gaston: That's right, and every last inch of me's covered with hair!
— Lyrics to "Gaston", Beauty and the Beast
El Macho...He was ruthless! He was dangerous! And as the name implies...very macho! He had a reputation of pulling a heist using only his bare hands! Ah, but sadly, like all the greats, El Macho was gone too soon. He died in the most macho way possible: on a shark with 250 pounds of dynamite strapped to his chest, into the mouth of an active volcano! It was glorious!
— Gru, Despicable Me 2
Film — Live-Action
I can't believe this macho bullshit!
— Cindy, Commando
These guys eat too much red meat!
— Cindy (again), Commando
Bunch of slack-jawed faggots around here! This stuff will make you a goddamn sexual Tyrannosaurus! Just like me!
— Blain Cooper when his squadmates decline his offer of chewing tobacco, Predator
Literature
"I thought the two of you were trying to out-cool each other to death."
— Greg Mandel, The Nano Flower by Peter F. Hamilton
Live-Action TV
"Worst case of testosterone poisoning I've ever seen."
— Lt. Cmdr. Susan Ivanova, Babylon 5
Scully: You think that taking up weapons and creating gratuitous virtual mayhem has any redeeming value whatsoever? I mean, that the testosterone frenzy that it creates stops when the game does?
Mulder: Well, that's rather sexist, isn't it? I mean, maybe the game provides an outlet for certain impulses, that it fills a void in our genetic makeup that the more civilizing effects of society failed to provide for.
Scully: Well, that must be why men feel the great need to blast the crap out of stuff.
— The X-Files, "First Person Shooter"
Professional Wrestling
I can tear a telephone directory in two
Bending iron bars is something else that I can do
I always pick my teeth with the nearest billiard cue
So imagine what I could do to you
Bending iron bars is something else that I can do
I always pick my teeth with the nearest billiard cue
So imagine what I could do to you
—The verses to Creepy Crossdresser "Exotic" Adrian Street's theme music.
Stand-Up Comedy
If you are reading this, you are not macho. Period. Case closed. Real men do not read anything other than Guns And Ammo, Sports Illustrated, or Shaved Beaver...I have proven myself to be the pussy that I am by writing this piece. Ernest Hemingway, you say? Wrong. Ernest lived a very macho life and wrote some very macho stories. But Ernest threw it all away by blowing his head off with a shotgun. Very unmacho. Real men do not commit suicide.
The thing is, and I'm probably not supposed to be telling you this, is that men view themselves as kind of low-level superheroes. When boys are growing up reading about Superman, Spider-Man, Batman. These aren't fantasies. These are options. I can give you an example of this. You ever see a guy moving a mattress on the highway? He's got it strapped to the roof of his car? Whatever he's got rigged up there, he's helping along with his arm. So, if the wind catches this eight-by-five rectangle at fifty miles an hour, "I've got it! I've got it! I'm using my arm!"
Video Games
BY SIGNING UP FOR THE TORGUE BADASS TOURNAMENT, YOU LEGALLY FORFEIT YOUR RIGHT TO CRY, EAT TOFU, OR WATCH MOVIES WHERE PEOPLE KISS IN THE RAIN AND SH*T!
—Mr. Torgue, Borderlands 2
TESTOSTEROOOONE!!!
—Mr. Torgue, Borderlands 2
[()] Come on, sister! Grit your teeth! Put some thrust sinew into it!
[()] If you're not evacuating your acid tract note by the time you're done, you
[()] aren't
[()] TRYING
[()] HARD ENOUGH!!!
—Nikhee Moolah, Hiveswap Friendsim
Web Animation
Halo is the premature ejaculation of video games, and I’m not just saying that because Halo 5 feels shorter than Cortana’s laundry list. It took till Super Mario Galaxy for Mario to splooge his last, and that was Halo’s starting point: kick off with huge galaxies-spanning threats and giant fat-arsed space prostitutes with fanny cankers the size of small moons, and where the fuck are you supposed to go from there? Maybe you could breathe some life in with by switching to a more-focused character narrative? But the prerequisite for that is actually having characters beyond titty holograms and giant dustbins on legs.
Web Comics
Jared: But I wanna be a huge tanky renegade cool dude like all these guys!
Commander: ...A lotta these guys are in pretty rough mental shape 'cause they got too hung up on bein' th' biggest, strongest, highest power leveled dude in town... I mean just look at this.
[Cut to Goku, Kratos, Wolverine, Zaraki, and Dio Brando screaming in unison]
Commander: Sometimes they just do that fer like 20 solid minutes. I got no idea why.
Commander: ...A lotta these guys are in pretty rough mental shape 'cause they got too hung up on bein' th' biggest, strongest, highest power leveled dude in town... I mean just look at this.
[Cut to Goku, Kratos, Wolverine, Zaraki, and Dio Brando screaming in unison]
Commander: Sometimes they just do that fer like 20 solid minutes. I got no idea why.
Web Original
Lotta talk about that sniper picture in Hollywood this week, and I couldn’t be happier for my dear old friend, CLINT EASTWOOD! Dirty Harry himself! Old? YOU BET! Crazy? HOLY SHIT THE MAN SCARES EVERYONE WHO MEETS HIM. The one time I invited Clint over to Woodland, he didn’t touch any of the food or hookers or coke or hookers or free bowls of cash or hookers or stacks of municipal treasury bonds or signed JFK portraits or hookers at all! Instead, he went right up to my fireplace and pointed up at an old Winchester rifle that had been given to me by none other than Emilio Zapata! (I saved his life once! Long story, but it ends with him getting laid!)
“'That your rifle?’ Clint asks. Well, of course it was! Shiny? YOU BET. Loaded? OH, I ALWAYS KEEP GUNS LOADED. More fun that way. So Clint grabs the rifle and starts talking to it. ‘Well, Louise, what do we think?’ he asked it, aiming the gun at every person in the house, ‘Can we trust them?’ Everyone got real quiet. HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS GONNA KILL US ALL! ‘Yeah, they’re okay, Louise. But there’s one bad one, yeah... And I think it’s right over… HERE.’ BOOM! He fired the rifle right at a banana! Everyone screamed! Nicholson dropped his coke mirror! It was chaos! Then he walked over and picked up the smoking banana and handed it to me, and I saw the banana was brown and rotten.
’Took care of that one for ya,’ he said, and then he strolled out! I never saw him again! Last time I ever have the help buy bananas. Holy shit!
“'That your rifle?’ Clint asks. Well, of course it was! Shiny? YOU BET. Loaded? OH, I ALWAYS KEEP GUNS LOADED. More fun that way. So Clint grabs the rifle and starts talking to it. ‘Well, Louise, what do we think?’ he asked it, aiming the gun at every person in the house, ‘Can we trust them?’ Everyone got real quiet. HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS GONNA KILL US ALL! ‘Yeah, they’re okay, Louise. But there’s one bad one, yeah... And I think it’s right over… HERE.’ BOOM! He fired the rifle right at a banana! Everyone screamed! Nicholson dropped his coke mirror! It was chaos! Then he walked over and picked up the smoking banana and handed it to me, and I saw the banana was brown and rotten.
’Took care of that one for ya,’ he said, and then he strolled out! I never saw him again! Last time I ever have the help buy bananas. Holy shit!
— "Robert Evans" on Clint Eastwood
" on Clint EastwoodFor those of you who don't know, Road House (1989) is an exceptionally homoerotic action film about a bouncer named Dalton (played by a perpetually-shirtless Patrick Swayze), a man so badass that he sews up his own knife wounds after tearing his opponent's throat out barehanded. Together with his bouncer mentor, a greasy-haired Sam Elliot, they battle the ascot-wearing villain and his flunkies who have a monster truck and far too-tight blue jeans. Dalton is a tortured hero and applies his philosophy degree to the art of ass-whoopin', spouting Zen philosophies to his disciples while teaching them how to be better bouncers. But really, the movie is about Patrick Swayze's oiled chest, because you spend 90% of the movie looking at it...
Drive Angry is Nic Cage mashed down into a projector and spunked all over the screen in big, glorious spurts of movie jizz. Drive Angry is exactly how I want my Nic Cage. With the grim reaper giving chase, Cage’s John Milton escapes from hell – in a car, because you can get there with a SatNav I guess – to stop his granddaughter from being sacrificed by a Satanic cult. You might as well stick this one in the documentary pile, cos it’s just a regular day for Nic Fucking Cage, and I suspect I blinked and missed the “Based on a True Story...” title.
David: Bruce absolutely has the body language of a dude at a bar who is trying to work The Game on a lady… not that I’d know.
Laura: This entire comic book has just been Bruce Wayne negging us, I am pretty sure.
Laura: This entire comic book has just been Bruce Wayne negging us, I am pretty sure.
—Laura Hudson and David Wolfkin, "The Complete and Utter Insanity of Batman Odyssey"
, "The Complete and Utter Insanity of Batman Odyssey"Sitting there watching Jon and Ponch tooling around on their tricked-out KZ1000 rigs, their gladiator-gold helmets shining in the blazing California sun, their toreador-tight jodhpurs competing with their skin-snug uniform shirts for just a millimeter of breathing space, I realized these Olympian West Coast Sun Gods of the Forever Spinning Firestones were providing thrills, spills, disco dance moves, handy driving tips, and some questionable after-hours wardrobe choices, in epic, Biblical proportions... Jon then gets invited to a disco dance contest by a beautiful blonde car dealer, who also has tickets for Ponch, who shows up and blows everybody away with a solo number right out of Saturday Night Fever, finishing up just in time to deliver a baby, right on the dance room floor. Read over that plot description again, and tell me if CHiPs isn't the Citizen Kane of network TV?
— Paul Mavis, "I Have Seen the Light, and it is CHiPs"
, "I Have Seen the Light, and it is CHiPs"Picture a mugger, emerging from the darkness. What would you do? If you're like most Americans, you've already played out this fantasy hundreds of times with each of your handguns and tactical knives. You'd attack secret weak points of his face, known only to you. Your strength, speed, and stamina would be made limitless by adrenaline. The mugger's ladies would switch sides, flinging their bikini bottoms toward your spinning kicks. In fact, it's almost stupid to still be talking about this mugger since he's dead at your feet. "That's the way of the streets" you might growl at his pieces before bringing your saxophone to your lips. 'Fwrrff!!! Hrmmm fmfffhheeeeeeeee!!'
Fuck your lonely shit /b/!!!!! This might be Valentine's Day, but god damn stop being pussies. This is a manly thread, we talk manly shit up in here!!!!! SO WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST????
A HOT ENGINE BLOCK SMOTHERED IN RANCID OIL! WASHED THAT SHIT DOWN WITH A STEIN OF DRANO THEN PICKED MY TEETH WITH A SIGNPOST
[picture of spinning rims] I HAD ME SOME RIMS FOR BREAKFAST
INSTEAD OF BREAKFAST, I HAD SEX WITH A BEAR.
A HOT ENGINE BLOCK SMOTHERED IN RANCID OIL! WASHED THAT SHIT DOWN WITH A STEIN OF DRANO THEN PICKED MY TEETH WITH A SIGNPOST
[picture of spinning rims] I HAD ME SOME RIMS FOR BREAKFAST
INSTEAD OF BREAKFAST, I HAD SEX WITH A BEAR.
— /b/, "Post #117133822" et al.
Web Video
Welcome back to The Joe Rogan Show! HI-YAH!! Be sure to pick up my processed protein and organic pussy juice and my dildos! They're 10% off of my website this week using the promo code "FUCK IT HIYAAAH TAP OUT HIYAH NEEHAA"!!
—Chad Fisher on Joe Rogan
on Joe RoganHe refuses to eat anything that he hasn't already killed himself. It actually made craft services really awkward.
I can't even really say this is So Bad, It's Good; it's actually just—just kinda great.
Blade is singing karaoke. They get him up there to sing karaoke while his blind friend plays the keyboard (of course). And during this karaoke song, the girlfriend is kidnapped by Machete's goons.
So Blade goes to fight them and retrieves his friend... while still singing the karaoke song.
Blade is singing karaoke. They get him up there to sing karaoke while his blind friend plays the keyboard (of course). And during this karaoke song, the girlfriend is kidnapped by Machete's goons.
So Blade goes to fight them and retrieves his friend... while still singing the karaoke song.
— Allison Pregler on Kindergarten Ninja
Doom Eternal is a game with so much testosterone dripping from its orifices that it caused me to create a son via mitosis.
—Max0r's introduction to Doom Eternal
True Lies is James Cameron throwing his hands and credibility into the air and going, 'FUCK YOU, brown people, FUCK YOU, annoying children, FUCK YOU, annoying women, SHOOTING SOLVES EVERYTHIIIIING!'
HBomb: Drinking liquor in a car has never been a bad idea, rite guise? But don't worry about Davis getting in a car accident though, folks. He's got it under control; he never actually drinks more than a thimble-full of the stuff in his videos, and just sort of pretends to drink it. The important thing is making people think you're cool, even if you have to dress like a pirate to do it.
Davis Aurini: We're in good company with this; look up the production of the first Godfather movies. So, we're not alone.
HBomb: *Long stretch of laughter* I think I'm having a heart attack, seriously. My heart hurts. I can't take this.
—hbomberguy, "The Sarkeesian Effect: In Crisis"
, "The Sarkeesian Effect: In Crisis""My Mech needs a gigantic steel boner so I can fuck people while I stab them with my big knife!"
God, there's so much fucking testosterone here, I can feel more hairs springing up on my chest just watching.
[...]
Oh, now we're in it. This is what's putting hair on my chest. I'm about to stand up and be five inches taller just from all of the hormones pumping through me.
[...]
Oh, now we're in it. This is what's putting hair on my chest. I'm about to stand up and be five inches taller just from all of the hormones pumping through me.
Western Animation
Not man enough? Not man enough?! I have three Y chromosomes, six Adam's apples, pecs on my abs, and fists for nipples!
— Testosteraur the Manotaur, Gravity Falls, "Dipper vs. Manliness"
Real Life
Hemingway used to come into Toots Shor's whenever he was in New York, and one time, Joe E. Lewis told him I'd been a professional fighter. After that, all he wanted to do was arm-wrestle me at the table.
—Alan King, Name Dropping
