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Fan Works
Rose Lalonde: It appears that your gift for weaving transparent falsehoods is only matched by your obsession with irrelevancy.
T-Rex: Thanks (I think)!
T-Rex: Thanks (I think)!
"You're good at languages because you have the mind of a child, Emmett," Alice said, so brightly that it took me a split second to notice that this was not quite a compliment.
Ashley: I was just thinking about earlier and how you said you thought I looked good without my glasses. When you mentioned it, I just took it as a compliment and didn’t think much of it, but now…. Are you attracted to me McGee?
Molly: No Ashley, I am not, nor will I ever be, attracted to you.
Ashley: (Sighs in relief) Good. Then maybe there’s hope for you yet.
Molly: No Ashley, I am not, nor will I ever be, attracted to you.
Ashley: (Sighs in relief) Good. Then maybe there’s hope for you yet.
Film — Animated
Aladdin: [striking an arrogant pose] How do I look?
Genie: Like... a prince.
Genie: Like... a prince.
— Aladdin
Mr. Wolf: I can't miss a photo-op with the Governor and a... [motioning towards the trash sculpture] ...pile of garbage.
Diane Foxington: Oh, Mr. Poodleton, you're too hard on yourself!
Diane Foxington: Oh, Mr. Poodleton, you're too hard on yourself!
Mowgli: Oh, Baloo! I wanna stay here with you!
Baloo: Certainly, you do.
Bagheera: Oh? And just how do you think he'll survive?
Baloo: "How do you think..." Whaddya mean "how do you think he...?" He's with me, ain't he? And I'll learn him all I know!
Bagheera: Well, that shouldn't take too long.
Baloo: Certainly, you do.
Bagheera: Oh? And just how do you think he'll survive?
Baloo: "How do you think..." Whaddya mean "how do you think he...?" He's with me, ain't he? And I'll learn him all I know!
Bagheera: Well, that shouldn't take too long.
Film — Live-Action
Mrs. Prodworthy: We've heard quite enough rubbish spoken here today.
Mayor Bumble: Oh, but we still wish to hear yours, Mrs. Prodworthy.
Mayor Bumble: Oh, but we still wish to hear yours, Mrs. Prodworthy.
Gentlemen? Congratulations, you're everything we've come to expect from years of Government training. And now if you'll just follow me, we have one more test to administer: an Eye-Exam.
—Zed to a group of Military applicants, Men in Black
M: I would ask you if you could remain emotionally detached, but I don't think that's your problem is it, Bond?
Bond: No.
Bond: No.
Burakov: A man is what he fights for.
Fetisov: I don't fight for anything.
Burakov: I know.
Fetisov: I don't fight for anything.
Burakov: I know.
Janet: And I do think I'm doing awfully well, don't you?
Ian: Oh, awfully.
Bob: I'm afraid this broke in my hand, nurse.
George: I can screw it up.
Bob: Exactly my opinion, but I'd rather have it done properly.
Literature
McGonagall: He [Harry Potter] has achieved high marks in all his Defense Against the Dark Arts tests—
Umbridge: I'm terribly sorry to have to contradict you, Minerva, but as you will see from my note, Harry has been achieving very poor results in his classes with me—
McGonagall: I should have made my meaning plainer. He has achieved high marks in all Defense Against the Dark Arts tests set by a competent teacher.
Umbridge: I'm terribly sorry to have to contradict you, Minerva, but as you will see from my note, Harry has been achieving very poor results in his classes with me—
McGonagall: I should have made my meaning plainer. He has achieved high marks in all Defense Against the Dark Arts tests set by a competent teacher.
Dudley: They flush people's heads down the toilet first day at Stonewall. Want to practice?
Harry: No thanks. The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head in it; it might be sick. [runs away before Dudley can figure out what he said]
Harry: No thanks. The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head in it; it might be sick. [runs away before Dudley can figure out what he said]
He told me at once what was ailing me,
He said I had been writing too much poetry,
And from writing poetry I would have to refrain,
Because I was suffering from inflammation on the brain.
He said I had been writing too much poetry,
And from writing poetry I would have to refrain,
Because I was suffering from inflammation on the brain.
— A Tribute to Dr. Murison
by William McGonagall
by William McGonagall"We must be so intelligent that he does not suspect us of being intelligent at all."
I acquiesced.
"There, mon ami, you will be of great assistance to me."
I was pleased with the compliment. There had been times when I hardly thought that Poirot appreciated me at my true worth.
I acquiesced.
"There, mon ami, you will be of great assistance to me."
I was pleased with the compliment. There had been times when I hardly thought that Poirot appreciated me at my true worth.
— Captain Hastings missing the point as usual, The Mysterious Affair at Styles
Inside the hall there was piled a large assortment of packages and parcels and small articles of furniture. On every item there was a label tied. There were several labels of this sort:
For ADELARD TOOK, for his VERY OWN, from Bilbo; on an umbrella. Adelard had carried off many unlabelled ones.
For DORA BAGGINS in memory of a LONG correspondence, with love from Bilbo; on a large waste-paper basket. Dora was Drogo's sister and the eldest surviving female relative of Bilbo and Frodo; she was ninety-nine, and had written reams of good advice for more than half a century.
For MILO BURROWS, hoping it will be useful, from B. B.; on a gold pen and ink-bottle. Milo never answered letters.
For ANGELICA'S use, from Uncle Bilbo; on a round convex mirror. She was a young Baggins, and too obviously considered her face shapely.
For the collection of HUGO BRACEGIRDLE, from a contributor; on an (empty) book-case. Hugo was a great borrower of books, and worse than usual at returning them.
For LOBELIA SACKVILLE-BAGGINS, as a PRESENT; on a case of silver spoons. Bilbo believed that she had acquired a good many of his spoons, while he was away on his former journey. Lobelia knew that quite well. When she arrived later in the day, she took the point at once, but she also took the spoons.
For ADELARD TOOK, for his VERY OWN, from Bilbo; on an umbrella. Adelard had carried off many unlabelled ones.
For DORA BAGGINS in memory of a LONG correspondence, with love from Bilbo; on a large waste-paper basket. Dora was Drogo's sister and the eldest surviving female relative of Bilbo and Frodo; she was ninety-nine, and had written reams of good advice for more than half a century.
For MILO BURROWS, hoping it will be useful, from B. B.; on a gold pen and ink-bottle. Milo never answered letters.
For ANGELICA'S use, from Uncle Bilbo; on a round convex mirror. She was a young Baggins, and too obviously considered her face shapely.
For the collection of HUGO BRACEGIRDLE, from a contributor; on an (empty) book-case. Hugo was a great borrower of books, and worse than usual at returning them.
For LOBELIA SACKVILLE-BAGGINS, as a PRESENT; on a case of silver spoons. Bilbo believed that she had acquired a good many of his spoons, while he was away on his former journey. Lobelia knew that quite well. When she arrived later in the day, she took the point at once, but she also took the spoons.
Live-Action TV
Prince George: Last night I was having a bit of a snack at the Naughty Hellfire Club, and some fellow said I had the wit and sophistication of a donkey!
Blackadder: Oh, an absurd suggestion, sir.
Prince George: You're right. It is absurd.
Blackadder: Unless of course, it was a particularly stupid donkey.
Prince George: If only I'd thought of saying that.
Blackadder: Oh, an absurd suggestion, sir.
Prince George: You're right. It is absurd.
Blackadder: Unless of course, it was a particularly stupid donkey.
Prince George: If only I'd thought of saying that.
— Blackadder the Third
Joey: I just love the way it feels when everyone thinks I own a Porsche.
Monica: And people would think you own a Porsche because you're wearing the clothes?
Joey: Of course! Only an idiot would wear this stuff if he didn't have the car!
Chandler: That is true.
Monica: And people would think you own a Porsche because you're wearing the clothes?
Joey: Of course! Only an idiot would wear this stuff if he didn't have the car!
Chandler: That is true.
— Friends
Joey: Stop, stop, I'm worried about damaging my head!
Chandler: It's a little late for that.
Chandler: It's a little late for that.
— Friends, "The One with the Late Thanksgiving"
"It's nice to see you, Tahani. Apparently wherever you've been they've been keeping you well fed."
— Manisha Al-Jamil, The Good Place, "The Burrito"
"Final tribute. To the health of my nephews, Jace, Luke and Joffrey. Each of them handsome, wise, ...strong. Let us drink our cups to these three STRONG boys!"
— Aemond Targaryen, House of the Dragon (knowing that the first three children of Rhaenyra are Harwin Strong's bastards)
Darryl: Mike...you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you.
Michael: ...you really mean that?
Darryl: I couldn't do it! I ain't that strong. And I ain't that brave.
Michael: ...you really mean that?
Darryl: I couldn't do it! I ain't that strong. And I ain't that brave.
— The Office (US), "Safety Training"
Doctor Cox: Who can tell me what this patient's symptoms mean? Mister Murphy?
Doug Murphy: Actually, sir, it's Doctor Murphy.
Doctor Cox: ...uh-huh.
Doug Murphy: Actually, sir, it's Doctor Murphy.
Doctor Cox: ...uh-huh.
— Scrubs
Marie: [Vito] was a good man! Wasn't he, Phil?
Phil: He was. I loved him like a brother-in-law.
—The Sopranos, "Cold Stones"
Kirk: I'm not sure, but I think we've just been insulted.
McCoy: I'm sure!
McCoy: I'm sure!
Quark: ...Because I'm a people person! I like interacting with my customers, like you and I are doing right now: talking to each other, getting to know one another...
Garak: I can see the attraction for you.
Garak: I can see the attraction for you.
Music
"'Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh, baby, you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself"
Oh, baby, you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself"
— Justin Bieber, "Love Yourself" note
Newspaper Comics
Calvin: Dad, are you vicariously living through me in the hope that my accomplishments will validate your mediocre life and in some way compensate for all the opportunities you botched?
Calvin's dad: If I were, you can bet I'd be re-evaluating my strategy.
in the hope that my accomplishments will validate your mediocre life and in some way compensate for all the opportunities you botched? Calvin's dad: If I were, you can bet I'd be re-evaluating my strategy.
Calvin: I'm a genius. I can't believe how smart I am. I've got more brains than I know what to do with.
Hobbes: So I've noticed.
Hobbes: So I've noticed.
Radio
Theatre
George: Good night, Prometheus.
Walter: Who's Prometheus?
Ruth: I don't know, honey. Don't worry about it.
Walter: They get to a point they can't even insult you man-to-man. They got to talk about something nobody ever heard of.
Walter: Who's Prometheus?
Ruth: I don't know, honey. Don't worry about it.
Walter: They get to a point they can't even insult you man-to-man. They got to talk about something nobody ever heard of.
Video Games
"Almost precise enough for an elf. A blind, drunk elf."
"Congratulations. Not on the test. Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished. I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds."
"Look at you, soaring through the air majestically. Like an eagle. Piloting a blimp."
— GLaDOS, Portal 2
Dr. Nefarious: That moron could never hope to match wits with the likes of me!
Lawrence: If anyone could beat a moron at his own game, it's you, sir.
Nefarious: [looking flattered] Yes, I suppose that's true...
Lawrence: If anyone could beat a moron at his own game, it's you, sir.
Nefarious: [looking flattered] Yes, I suppose that's true...
Playfulness is a sign of intelligence in animals. The otter. The Dolphin. The crow. Playfulness is a sign of intelligence in humans. Foolishness is often not the substance of stupidity, but the shadow of massive intellect. Do you take my compliment/criticism?
— Bong Cha, The Secret World
The Riddler: Knock, knock, professor. Guess who?
Hugo Strange: I grow tired of these insipid games, Mr. Nigma. If you wish to speak to me, my guards will escort you safely to my tower.
Riddler: Please, Hugo. If you're going to set a trap, at least pretend to try harder than that.
Strange: No traps, Edward. I simply wish to grant you safe passage through Arkham City. I think the time has come for us to meet as equals.
Riddler: You, Strange? My equal? I am the man whose cunning will soon have Batman lying at my feet, bloodied and broken.
Strange: Really?
Riddler: Then I will pull off his mask and look into his dull, dying eyes. In that last instant he will know that I have finally beaten him and I will finally know who he really is.
Strange: My apologies, Edward. I see now we are nowhere near equals.
Riddler: Finally.
Strange: You see, like me, you are obsessed with the Batman, but unlike me, you don't know who he really is. Do You?
Riddler: What!?
Hugo Strange: I grow tired of these insipid games, Mr. Nigma. If you wish to speak to me, my guards will escort you safely to my tower.
Riddler: Please, Hugo. If you're going to set a trap, at least pretend to try harder than that.
Strange: No traps, Edward. I simply wish to grant you safe passage through Arkham City. I think the time has come for us to meet as equals.
Riddler: You, Strange? My equal? I am the man whose cunning will soon have Batman lying at my feet, bloodied and broken.
Strange: Really?
Riddler: Then I will pull off his mask and look into his dull, dying eyes. In that last instant he will know that I have finally beaten him and I will finally know who he really is.
Strange: My apologies, Edward. I see now we are nowhere near equals.
Riddler: Finally.
Strange: You see, like me, you are obsessed with the Batman, but unlike me, you don't know who he really is. Do You?
Riddler: What!?
Skywarp: "Dumber than Skywarp?" I'll show you dumb, Starscream!
Starscream: You always do.
Starscream: You always do.
Marina: Just saying. The richest people I know are some of the loneliest people I know.
Pearl: But I'm the richest person you kn—HEY!
Pearl: But I'm the richest person you kn—HEY!
Garrosh: Does this look like the green skin of Thrall?
Hamuul: No, Warchief. No one would ever mistake you for Thrall.
Hamuul: No, Warchief. No one would ever mistake you for Thrall.
Quistis: [to the assembled SeeDs] Good luck.
Seifer: Instructor... I hate it when people wish me luck. Save those words for a bad student that needs them, eh?
Quistis: Very well. Good luck, Seifer.
Web Original
"...all I'm saying is that if I was a Korean animator, drawing this nonsense is exactly how I would tell an American cartoon writer to fuck himself."
Enoriel: Actually, I think the smell might come from you; have you been eating dead rats, recently?
Zarakai: I don't eat elves.
Zarakai: I don't eat elves.
Western Animation
Megatron: ... yeeesss.
Blacharachnia: Why do you always talk to yourself?
Megatron: I simply have a penchant for intelligent conversation.
Blacharachnia: Why do you always talk to yourself?
Megatron: I simply have a penchant for intelligent conversation.
Shadow: You have the reflexes of a panther.
Sonic: ...is that an insult? I thought panthers were fast.
Shadow: Maybe compared to you.
Sonic: ...is that an insult? I thought panthers were fast.
Shadow: Maybe compared to you.
Lucy: Alright, alright, let's bob for apples! This is the way to do it!
Schroeder: Yeah, Lucy, you should be good at this! You have the perfect mouth for it! (Lucy angrily stares back)
Schroeder: Yeah, Lucy, you should be good at this! You have the perfect mouth for it! (Lucy angrily stares back)
Ripley: (to Percy) Your friends seem pleasant enough, but... your mind is on another level.
Cassandra: She has a point. Your mind is unlike any I've come across.
Percy: Thank you, Cassandra.
Cassandra: Not a compliment.
Cassandra: She has a point. Your mind is unlike any I've come across.
Percy: Thank you, Cassandra.
Cassandra: Not a compliment.
— The Legend of Vox Machina, "Depths of Deceit"
Real Life
"Odd, I don't remember making this."
"You cannot read an apocalypse if you’re an Empire First! nationalist. It’s just not for you. A lot of it was written about you, but it was not written for you."
— Fred Clark, Slacktivist
"They do not know persecution or oppression. At least as the oppressed."
— Richter_DL on American evangelicals, Slacktivist
