"Shit up my nose! What right does this game have to suddenly kick arse?"
"You know why this game is on three discs? Not because it's a complex roller coaster of an epic. It's because it's padded like a menstruating firehose. I've spent the entirety of the last five hours running down three different linear corridors. if this were Modern Warfare, I'd have curb-checked every terrorist in the free world by now. The central plot element has only just been introduced! I only vaguely know what the story's about because I made myself read all that ancillary textlog bullshit. This is not good storytelling! You're supposed to weave exposition into the narrative, not hand the audience a fucking glossary as they walk into the theatre! Some people have told me that FFXIII gets good about 20 hours in. You know that's not really a point in its favor, right? Put your hand on a stove for 20 hours and yeah, you'll probably stop feeling the pain, but you'll have done serious damage to yourself."
"And yes, I am now on page 53, and, uh... STILL NO PLOT, YET!"
"It begins with too many characters and too much plot, and 15 minutes into the film I was growing restless. It spends a lot of time describing the lifestyles of three bachelors — Tom Selleck, Steve Guttenberg and Ted Danson — who share a luxury apartment and play host to a never-ending stream of girlfriends. We meet too many of the girlfriends, and too many of their friends. And then it's the morning after Selleck's big birthday bash, and on the doorstep outside their apartment is a bassinet containing a little baby named Mary. From that point on, the movie finds its rhythm, and it works."
"And now I think the book is actually going to begin, and we're only at over the halfway point."
