open/close all folders
Anime and Manga
Arata: Look, they're selling merch. I like this guy. Johnny from Boy Stories. He's a villain, but he's hard to hate.
Kuroe: I-I see...[thinking] Man, talk about ugly...he looks just like me.
Kuroe: I-I see...[thinking] Man, talk about ugly...he looks just like me.
Comic Books
You asked for the origins of: Charlie America! The inedible Bulk! The mighty Sore! And boy! Will you be sorry you asked!
Father: What are those hideous fiends?
Goth Girl: Well, the lizard is called Gosana, and the bat/reptile is called Kame-Komori. They're from a series of low-budget Japanese films from a small and seedy film company called Dorobo Studios. They were created as rubber suit monters to sponge off the popularity of much better film franchises at Toho and Daiei Studios. Many hard-core aficionados say they're the worst giant monster films ever made, despite some tasty special effects. Of course, the films have almost never been seen since the sixties—so only a total geek loser would even know who they are."
Goth Girl: Well, the lizard is called Gosana, and the bat/reptile is called Kame-Komori. They're from a series of low-budget Japanese films from a small and seedy film company called Dorobo Studios. They were created as rubber suit monters to sponge off the popularity of much better film franchises at Toho and Daiei Studios. Many hard-core aficionados say they're the worst giant monster films ever made, despite some tasty special effects. Of course, the films have almost never been seen since the sixties—so only a total geek loser would even know who they are."
Secretary: You have Garth Ennis on line 2, sir.
The Legend: Tell him to go fuck himself.
The Legend: Tell him to go fuck himself.
— The Boys (written by Garth Ennis)
"Why? That's what they all asked me. Why him... why Starscream? Why, of all the Decepticons, did I decide to revitalize the one whose record of deceit and betrayal is legend? Because I'm an idiot, that's why!"
— Megatron, Transformers: Generation 2, "Total War!"
Fan Works
I stood up. Well, tried to stand up. My leg had apparently fallen asleep because I'd been sitting on it and not moving for a while, and I had to catch myself hastily on the wall. Maybe I didn't deserve to be the one driving this body, considering how shitty I was at taking care of it.
Film — Animation
"I don't know where [Jasmine] gets it from. Her mother wasn't nearly so picky."
— Sultan of Agrabah, Aladdin
Rapunzel: Do people assume all your problems got solved because a big strong man showed up?
Vanellope: Yeah! What's up with that?
Vanellope: Yeah! What's up with that?
"In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little, yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face, is that in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designating it so."
— Anton Ego, Ratatouille
"Edward Norton? What kind of parent gives their kid of stupid cunt name like that?"
— Sammy Bagel, Jr. (voiced by Edward Norton), Sausage Party
Film — Live-Action
"How about we NOT make a Your Highness 2."
Every time you hear those two guys, it's "Who's on first, What's on second..."
"This pizza boy is somebody I should have fired. Just a terrible actor. Oh wait. I guess it's me in a cameo."
— Rob Cohen, DVD Commentary for The Fast and the Furious (2001)
You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his acting ability?
— Deadpool (played by Ryan Reynolds), Deadpool (2016)
Fortune Teller: I see aliens. Little aliens from outer space. They forced your way inside your bodies. They need your talent to win a...basketball game against...Bugs Bunny.
Patrick Ewing: [under his breath] Bugs Bunny...?
Fortune Teller: I also see Michael Jordan...being sucked down a golf hole...by furry creatures.
Patrick: That's it. We're outta here.
Larry Johnson: We're leaving now.
Shawn Bradley: Let's buy some accupuncture.
Muggsy Bogues: Good idea. Bye.
Patrick Ewing: [under his breath] Bugs Bunny...?
Fortune Teller: I also see Michael Jordan...being sucked down a golf hole...by furry creatures.
Patrick: That's it. We're outta here.
Larry Johnson: We're leaving now.
Shawn Bradley: Let's buy some accupuncture.
Muggsy Bogues: Good idea. Bye.
Live-Action TV
"Oh, you know that Saturday Night Live show? It got way worse. Oh, yeah. It's just sad. They got that fat guy screaming all the time. Come on! Pull the plug on that freaking thing, huh?"
"Don't applaud that! Applaud my idiocy."
Pres. Bartlet: What plaid flannel-wearing, cheese-eating yahoo of a milkman governor signed that idiot bill into state law?
[Charlie Young looks uncomfortable]
Pres. Bartlet: It was me, wasn't it?
Charlie Young: Yes, sir.
[Charlie Young looks uncomfortable]
Pres. Bartlet: It was me, wasn't it?
Charlie Young: Yes, sir.
— The West Wing, "Somebody's Going to Emergency, Somebody's Going to Jail"
"I saw the fall of Troy, World War V, I pushed boxes at the Boston Tea Party. Now I'm gonna die in a dungeon..." [Beat, then sourly] "...in Cardiff."
— The Doctor, Doctor Who, a series produced in Cardiff, "The Unquiet Dead"
War Doctor: ...really?
Eleventh Doctor: Yeah.
Tenth Doctor: Really.
War Doctor: You're me? Both of you?
Tenth Doctor: Yep.
War Doctor: [indicating Eleven] Even that one?
Eleventh Doctor: [offended] Yes!
War Doctor: You're my future selves?
Ten and Eleven: YES!
War Doctor: Am I having a mid-life crisis?!
Eleventh Doctor: Yeah.
Tenth Doctor: Really.
War Doctor: You're me? Both of you?
Tenth Doctor: Yep.
War Doctor: [indicating Eleven] Even that one?
Eleventh Doctor: [offended] Yes!
War Doctor: You're my future selves?
Ten and Eleven: YES!
War Doctor: Am I having a mid-life crisis?!
"I laugh in the face of danger! Then I hide until it goes away."
— Xander, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
"Is it possible to do anything with crap? Obviously yes, since we're in our fifteenth season."
— Red Green, The Red Green Show
"And in July, I made headlines, which was great news, if there's No Such Thing as Bad Publicity. Tell you what, that's when you know you're in trouble, when the prime minister of the country that you live in breaks off from the G-20 summit in Mexico. He's in a meeting with Barack Obama, the most important man in the world, and he says "excuse me Barack, I've got something very important I need to deal with right now. Jimmy Carr is a dick."
— Jimmy Carr, Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2012
Luke Skywalker: Listen, pal, we're on a mission. There's no way we're gonna be involved in some third-rate variety show!
Kermit: [deeply wounded] Second-rate variety show!
Kermit: [deeply wounded] Second-rate variety show!
"I know what you're thinking: Spending good money on a poorly-made wax figure of a former President sounds pretty stupid, right? Yeah, you're right, you're absolutely right, and that is why I am proud to say that we didn't go down there and buy one of them. [Beat] We bought five of them. Why five? Because we are five times stupider than any other TV show, that's fucking why!"
"I can tell you with full confidence that "his heart stopped" is how both I and Kid Rock will die. That doesn't mean that our cardiac arrest will be caused by the same thing, though, does it? One of our deaths will likely involve a lot of meth, a monster truck, and a variety of illegal fireworks, and the other death... will be Kid Rock's."
Sharon: "Domestic Cleanin'"? Can't you think of a better name than that?
Tracey: Well... I was thinking about "Birds of a Feather".
Sharon: Tha's crap!
Tracey: Well... I was thinking about "Birds of a Feather".
Sharon: Tha's crap!
"Any mean thing someone is going to think of to say about me, I've already said to me, about me, probably in the last half hour."
—- Hannah Horvath, Girls
Music
Sorry. I apologize to any of the parents of the kids who bought this album, and to the kids and their pets, for having to listen to this. Especially this song. It's terrible.
— Five Iron Frenzy, "Kingdom of the Dinosaurs", Quantity is Job 1
We don't know about reverb,
We may not be good looking.
This is the only song we know,
These are the chords for us.
We may not be good looking.
This is the only song we know,
These are the chords for us.
— Korpiklaani, "Bring Us Pints of Beer"
''I told you I was trouble
You Know I'm No Good.
You Know I'm No Good.
— "You Know I'm No Good", Amy Winehouse
T-I-S-M-A-R-E
TISM are shit, TISM are shit
T-I-S-M-A-R-E
TISM are shit, I am shit.
TISM are shit, TISM are shit
T-I-S-M-A-R-E
TISM are shit, I am shit.
— TISM, "TISM Are Shit"
"You know, when you insult yourself like that, it's kind of hard to tell if you're meaning it as a compliment."
— Banjo, Gruntilda Battle with Lyrics
"The worst rapper on this track, third coolest."
— Heems, "The Last Huzzah (Remix)"
Radio
This strikes me as quite an old technique of unnecessary self-deprecation, saying "Ooh, me, I can hardly tell a story, ooh, I'm so useless". And you're meant to think "Actually, you're very, very good at this."
—Ian Hislop, Ian Hislop's Oldest Jokes (about Geoffrey Chaucer's The Tale of Sir Thopas)
Stand-Up Comedy
"As you process and digest how obnoxious, wasteful, and unlikeable that story is, just remember: that's one I'm willing to tell you."
— John Mulaney, Baby J
Theatre
Am I the strongest? No, I'm not
Am I the smartest? No, I'm not
Am I the hottest? No, I'm not
But am I the greatest? No, I'm not!
Am I the hero? No, I'm not
Am I the one who steals the show? No, I'm not
Am I the one that you should know? No, I'm not
But am I the one who takes you home? Definitely not!
Am I the chosen one? No, I'm not
Am I the prodigal son? No, I'm not
Am I almost done? No, I'm not
Am I the smartest? No, I'm not
Am I the hottest? No, I'm not
But am I the greatest? No, I'm not!
Am I the hero? No, I'm not
Am I the one who steals the show? No, I'm not
Am I the one that you should know? No, I'm not
But am I the one who takes you home? Definitely not!
Am I the chosen one? No, I'm not
Am I the prodigal son? No, I'm not
Am I almost done? No, I'm not
— Ron Weasley, A Very Potter Senior Year
"This particularly rapid unintelligible patter
Isn't generally heard, and if it is it doesn't matter!"
Isn't generally heard, and if it is it doesn't matter!"
— Gilbert and Sullivan, "My Eyes Are Fully Open," Ruddigore, making fun of their trademark Patter Song
Video Games
Callie: The people who work here must be super smart!
Marie: Pshh! They make games all day. How hard can it be?
Marie: Pshh! They make games all day. How hard can it be?
— Ancho-V Games discussion, Splatoon
Hey, look, a song about us!
— Video description for a playthrough of Even the Losers in Rock Band.
"You want to battle some more? Well, this may be your lucky day. I found a bunch of idiots who were willing to waste their time by composing a couple of new songs for me last month."
— Selever, Friday Night Funkin' Vs Selever
Arthas: Father still hopes your patience and experience might rub off on me.
Uther: It is a father's right to dream, isn't it?
Uther: It is a father's right to dream, isn't it?
"You're going to travel to Cheydinhal, and find out what sort of imposter is trying to besmirch my good name. And you're going to tell him..." [hic] "You're going to tell him I am quite capable of besmirching my good name on my own. He should cease and desist immediately."
— Reynald Jemane, The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
Web Animation
"LA LA LA LOOK AT ME I'M A VIRGIN AND I LOVE MEEEEMEESSS."
— Mario doing an impression of SMG4, SMG4’s Mario Bloopers
Webcomics
Peejee: Every day it's more obvious to me how Davan takes after you.
Fred: Now just a second. I can insult him 'cuz he's my son!
Fred: Now just a second. I can insult him 'cuz he's my son!
Roy: Well, since somebody took away our monster, we find ourselves with no plot for today's strip.
Belkar: How is that different from all of the other strips?
Belkar: How is that different from all of the other strips?
Web Original
Why Do People Write "Considered Harmful" Essays?
There are those cases where such essays are written because the author enjoys grandstanding, and knows that use of the "considered harmful" format will get them noticed. A piece of this type is usually so over the top that it is easy to spot. For example, a piece titled "'Considered Harmful' Essays Considered Harmful" would very likely be a case of using the "considered harmful" format to draw attention for its own sake. We will ignore such essays in this commentary.
There are those cases where such essays are written because the author enjoys grandstanding, and knows that use of the "considered harmful" format will get them noticed. A piece of this type is usually so over the top that it is easy to spot. For example, a piece titled "'Considered Harmful' Essays Considered Harmful" would very likely be a case of using the "considered harmful" format to draw attention for its own sake. We will ignore such essays in this commentary.
— Eric A. Meyer, in the essay "Considered Harmful" Essays Considered Harmful
It's worth noting that through the comedic first half, as Tennant goes around making all of the obvious jokes at Davison's expense ("decorative vegetable"), Davison takes only one real shot at Tennant, but it's an absolutely scathing one - pointing out that Tennant’s patter really just amounts to describing everything in front of him. Obviously the story isn’t anti-Tennant by any measure, but it’s telling, I think, that it does give an actual critique of Tennant’s portrayal.
— El Sandifer on "Time Crash"
on "Time Crash"Captain Marvel is to Superman what GoBots are to Transformers, what Power Rangers are to Voltron, or what Cracked magazine is to MAD magazine.
It is the job of the fool to point out that the Emperor has no clothes; to confront the things that the rest of us are happy to ignore. And the truly great Emperor will humour the jester. It's the insecure despots who send them to the dungeons to have their jingly hats shoved so far down their throats that they poo out silver bells.
Web Video
"Screw these "critics of nostalgia" and everyone associated with them!"
Diabeetus: You know what would be sadder than reviewing this game? ...if someone went and hacked the damn thing.
Slowbeef: I'll sa— fuck you.
Slowbeef: I'll sa— fuck you.
— Retsupurae, in their RP of Policenauts (Slowbeef worked on the translation patch for it.)
(Slowbeef worked on the translation patch for it.)Egoraptor: UUUH THIS GAME IS STOOOPID.
JonTron: Well aren't you running the self deprecation train right now.
JonTron: Well aren't you running the self deprecation train right now.
"Seriously, Moltres, I am here recording this on a Saturday night. [Moltres breaks out of the Poké Ball again] So close. I'm here recording this on a Saturday night. You think that I'm just going to give up and I'm just going to go somewhere else and I'm going to give up on catching you? You think I have better things to do than sitting here trying to cram a six-foot tall bird into something the size of a baseball? No, I don't have anything better to do. You think I have friends to go see? You think I have places to go hang out? You think I have dates to go on? You think I have sex to have? Well, apparently you don't know teenage boys on the internet very well. [Beat] God, that was a sick burn on myself. Jeez. That was actually pretty relentless. God, I can't believe I said that."
..."That was the epitome of no life right there."
— Chuggaaconroy evaluates his life (or lack thereof) while trying to capture Moltres in Pokémon FireRed
in Pokémon FireRedLuigi: Hey Mario, what is this garbage?
Mario: It's fucking SHIT, Luigi! It's a meme game that someone made, combining all the memes into one game! It's garbage, Luigi! Don't play it!
Luigi: Hey Mario, I know someone that's gonna play it. All you gotta do is send it to him!
Mario: [sigh] What's his name, Luigi?
Luigi: His name is Vinesauce. He's a real jerk-off, Mario! He thinks this shit is funny!
Mario: It's fucking SHIT, Luigi! It's a meme game that someone made, combining all the memes into one game! It's garbage, Luigi! Don't play it!
Luigi: Hey Mario, I know someone that's gonna play it. All you gotta do is send it to him!
Mario: [sigh] What's his name, Luigi?
Luigi: His name is Vinesauce. He's a real jerk-off, Mario! He thinks this shit is funny!
"I'm failed psychologist and Internet cunt, Dr. Ashen."
Episode 1: Oh, you know... [shoots Edward 37 times] ...a real fucking vampire.
Episode 10: Getting angry at a book made for horny teenage girls was ridiculous then... and it's ridiculous now.
Episode 10: Getting angry at a book made for horny teenage girls was ridiculous then... and it's ridiculous now.
— Alucard, Hellsing Ultimate Abridged
Welcome to the most autistic, bed-ridden show on the Internet.
Vector: Detective work doesn’t pay enough!
Espio: Nothing does in this economy.
Vector: How are we supposed to make rent?
Espio: We should find more stable employment. Something that pays consistently, and that the world needs more of.
Charmy: We should be YouTubers!
Espio: Or that.
Espio: Nothing does in this economy.
Vector: How are we supposed to make rent?
Espio: We should find more stable employment. Something that pays consistently, and that the world needs more of.
Charmy: We should be YouTubers!
Espio: Or that.
Michael's father: A good magician never reveals his secrets.
Critic: Like how these films cost millions, yet they look like... a Nostalgia Critic review.
Critic: Like how these films cost millions, yet they look like... a Nostalgia Critic review.
Ryuji: Hey sleep bot! Tell me a joke!
P.T.S.D.: Jamezietocool makes funny and original content.
[Laughtrack plays]
P.T.S.D.: Jamezietocool makes funny and original content.
[Laughtrack plays]
Tom: I was surfing the net last night and I saw some things. Some things came up that made me feel really lousy.
Kathy: Y'know, that happened to me once, too. I was really uncomfortable with what I saw.
Diamondbolt: Oh cool, they found my channel!
Kathy: Y'know, that happened to me once, too. I was really uncomfortable with what I saw.
Diamondbolt: Oh cool, they found my channel!
Western Animation
"So now Andy's a TV writer. Loser."
— Lisa, The Simpsons, "Pranks and Greens"
Bart: Once you have enough episodes of any classic show, why do you need to keep making more?
Lisa: Well, the reason is...
Bart: Shh. Watching classic Krusty.
Lisa: Well, the reason is...
Bart: Shh. Watching classic Krusty.
"Everybody knows comedy is the lowest form of entertainment, next to animation."
— Trixie Tang, The Fairly Oddparents, "Movie Magic"
"This is about being able to hold bad filmmakers responsible! This is just like when we got our money back for BASEketball!"
— Stan Marsh, South Park, "The Passion of the Jew"
Roger: Wuhl, I'm a big fan!
Robert Wuhl: Oh, why, thank you. It's always nice to — wait a minute. Big fan? That doesn't sound right.
Robert Wuhl: Oh, why, thank you. It's always nice to — wait a minute. Big fan? That doesn't sound right.
— American Dad!, Season 11, "Manhattan Magical Murder Mystery Tour"
Cleveland: Alright, I knew this was coming. Everybody give me your best shot.
Quagmire: Oh my God, where do I even begin?! You know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show!
Joe: Your logo is stupid; it looked like a big purple penis, and your ratings blew.
Cleveland: We did about the same as Bob's Burgers.
Quagmire: That's your bar?! Oh, shame on you!
Cleveland: This is good, this is constructive.
Quagmire: The talking bear was so bad, Seth MacFarlane quit voicing him after season two.
Cleveland: It's hard to make a talking bear funny.
Quagmire: I don't...It-It-It worked out okay in movie form.
Joe: What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who's never met another black guy?
Cleveland: Anything else?
Peter: Yeah, here's four seasons worth of DVDs of what we've been up to. You know, just so you're back up to speed. And I'll warn you ahead of time, these have jokes in 'em.
Cleveland: [beat] I...I don't have a DVD player.
Quagmire: Oh my God, where do I even begin?! You know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show!
Joe: Your logo is stupid; it looked like a big purple penis, and your ratings blew.
Cleveland: We did about the same as Bob's Burgers.
Quagmire: That's your bar?! Oh, shame on you!
Cleveland: This is good, this is constructive.
Quagmire: The talking bear was so bad, Seth MacFarlane quit voicing him after season two.
Cleveland: It's hard to make a talking bear funny.
Quagmire: I don't...It-It-It worked out okay in movie form.
Joe: What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who's never met another black guy?
Cleveland: Anything else?
Peter: Yeah, here's four seasons worth of DVDs of what we've been up to. You know, just so you're back up to speed. And I'll warn you ahead of time, these have jokes in 'em.
Cleveland: [beat] I...I don't have a DVD player.
— Family Guy, "He's Blaack"
Daria: But Ms. Dickie! Beavis and Butt-head are complete imbeciles.
Beavis: Yeah, she's right.
Beavis: Yeah, she's right.
— Beavis And Butthead, "Scientific Stuff"
"We all gotta laugh at ourselves every once in a while. Why, I do it all the time!" [Pulls out a mirror and laughs at his reflection]
— SpongeBob, SpongeBob SquarePants, "Squirrel Jokes"
Mama Bass: [talking into camera on Bubble Bass's show] Listen up, home viewers. My son needs help. He's pathetic. He needs a job. Maybe one of youse knows someone who's hiring. Full disclosure, he is not good at anything. Maybe he can work in animation.
Bubble Bass: Ma! Only losers work in animation!
Bubble Bass: Ma! Only losers work in animation!
Fanboy: It's pizza day! Come play "pizza monkeys" with us!
Kyle: You two are... pizza monkeys?
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Mmm-hmm! (make monkey noises)
Kyle: What do you do? Throw your...poop-eroni?
(Rimshot)
Fanboy and Chum Chum: (hysterical laughter) Poop-eroni...!
Kyle: (sighs) I'm witty day after day, and this is what they laugh at.
Kyle: You two are... pizza monkeys?
Fanboy and Chum Chum: Mmm-hmm! (make monkey noises)
Kyle: What do you do? Throw your...poop-eroni?
(Rimshot)
Fanboy and Chum Chum: (hysterical laughter) Poop-eroni...!
Kyle: (sighs) I'm witty day after day, and this is what they laugh at.
—Fanboy and Chum Chum, "Little Glop of Horrors"
Yakko: Hello. Reboots are symptomatic of a fundamental lack of creativity in Hollywood.
Dot: Have you no shame!? (camera zooms out to show her and her siblings wearing Hulu-branded clothing)
Hulu Producer: Here's your check for the Animaniacs reboot, you sellouts! (Yakko grabs it with a big smile)
Dot: Have you no shame!? (camera zooms out to show her and her siblings wearing Hulu-branded clothing)
Hulu Producer: Here's your check for the Animaniacs reboot, you sellouts! (Yakko grabs it with a big smile)
— Animaniacs (2020), trailer.
Real Life
"We must never stop reminding the reader what little value they get for their money!"
— William Gaines, on the philosophy of MAD
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'"
— Charles Schulz
"Story of my life! I get no respect!"
"There is no Jewish conspiracy to control the banks. You know why? Because we can't agree on a place to go for dinner! We couldn't even get the meeting started! (in an authoritative voice) 'All right, the Jewish meeting to control the banks will now commence.' (in a grouchy voice) 'Hey, who died and made you king? Never mind me. I'm no one here. I have no opinions."
"I enjoy the comedy device of self-deprecation ... but I'm not very good at it."
— Arnold Brown
"We lose every week, we lose every week! You're nothing special, we lose every week!"
— English football fan chant sang to the tune of "Sloop John B"
"If Trump weight [sic] 215lbs, then I have flowing blond locks past my shoulders."
— Rick Wilson
