Johnny Rose:
"Son of a bitch."
"You know, I remember when Alexis was just a chubby-faced little girl racing around the house in that banned babywalker, and now she's spending time In a drug lord's trunk?"
"Tweet us on Facebook!"
" And just so you're aware, this has nothing to do with me not knowing my way around a grill. I've watched many a personal chef flip a burger in my day."
"Welcome. Hope you're enjoying the cinnamon buns and vodka. We thought it was festive in a Scandinavian sort of way."
"I just thought, in spite of all the hardship, we found ourselves coming together, the kids, you and me, as a family. And it just seemed like the perfect day to celebrate that. The perfect day for a Rose Family Christmas Party."
"You better remember which nails you pulled those wigs from because your mother keeps a spreadsheet."
"Well, it's always a thrill to experience a collection of nude photographs with a...new friend."
"The rabbi used to call me Popeye."
"Johnny Rose, Baby."
"Well, David, these kids of parties take time and planning. Now, when I planned that Casablanca-themed party for your mother's 40th, I had to quarantine the camels for a month."
"Well, I could not be more proud of my family right now, and as much as I'll miss this, being together, and least I can go to sleep knowing we're all going to be okay."
Moira Rose:
"Fold in the cheese!"
"This wine is awful. Get me another glass."
"What you did was impulsive, capricious and melodramatic, but it was also wrong."
"You are blind to reality and for that I am most proud."
"Then allow me to offer you some advice. Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think "oh, I'm too spooky" or "nobody wants to see these tiny boobies" but, believe me, one day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say "dear god, I was a beautiful thing."
"David, stop acting like a disgruntled pelican."
"So was my Galapagonian tortoiseshell footbath, and now some lonely hoarder is letting his cats poop in it."
"If airplane safety videos have taught me anything, David, it's that a mother puts her own mask on first."
“I can’t believe it. He’s managed to create something in this town that’s truly winsome. I would shop here, John, even without the nagging sense of obligation.”
"I heard Peter benefit. Bogdonavich loved a mink."
"Our director appears to be on a kamikaze mission to sink this ship, and I refuse to be the goddess on its prow!"
"I did a little Ask-Jeevesing."
"Sadly it's not custom this time around, Alexis. Mommy had to shop off the rack. Fortunately, I discovered something called a promo code."
"I did play Liesl von Trapp at 50."
" However, in the business of show, skullduggery, when it leads to such thrilling results, a pinch of moral corruption is a small price to pay."
" Is tests code for open heart surgery? You can tell me, I once played a nurse on M.A.S.H."
''"You, I'm not worried about. What the hell is your secret, Stevie? You just stand your solid ground refusing to be anything but you. Hm. Never thought I'd say this about anyone in this town, but you...you're very, very cool and whether you set sail or stay put, that's not going to change."
"The live crows on set welcomed me as their own. One even tried to mate."
David Rose:
"I like the wine and not the label, does that make sense?"
"I could not be more at one with nature. I do Coachella every year."
"I bought a cologne once in Japan. It's supposed to smell like the aftermath of a car crashing into a cedar tree."
''"Funky is a neon t-shirt you buy at an airport gift shop next to a bejeweled iphone case. This is luxury."
"It's my turn to take a selfish."
"Congratulations on your ongoing love for one another. You did it."
"Would we call that pretentious...or timeless?"
"I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels."
"Fall off a bridge, please."
"Okay, I'm sorry I'm not a condom."
"I'm sorry that I just know what looks correct. And this situation is not correct! Toilet plungers on display at the front of a store is incorrect! Breath mints where the lip balms should be. Not correct! These mountaineering shoes that my boyfriend is wearing, looking like Oprah on a Thanksgiving Day hike, incorrect."
"That is quite possibly one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard anyone say outside of the Downton Christmas special."
"Okay, look, um. I would hardly call myself an expert on this subject and by subject, I mean genuine human emotion. So, I'm just going to tell you what I know. And you can do whatever you want with that."
"Mmm...Eat Glass!"
" I love our relationship. I love it when you order me pizza. I love when you use words like inventory! I even love those stupid rubber things you put on your fingers cause you think they flip the pages faster. They don't flip the pages faster. They don't flip the pages faster!"
"Good news! They have "Fantasy," which means that you get to play Old Dirty Bastard."
"Anyone who sells counterfeit luxury beauty products is clearly a sociopath!"
“So tonight there will be a surprise and there will be tears, even if they’re just my own.”
"You make me sound like a feral cat."
"Where's the bear!?!."
"Are these 24-karat? It's a yes! Yes! I love you!"
[Applauding wildly for Stevie] "That's my friend!"
'"I'm taking the peanuts, Carol."''
''"I just don't think I'm finished with this place. My business is here. My husband is here, and I'm just not ready to mess that up, just yet."'
"You are my happy ending."
Alexis Rose:
"Eww, David."
"You know what, David, you get murdered first for once."
I didn't go missing, David. The FBI knew where I was the entire time."
"So as Jocelyn said, my name is Alexis, and yes, I did not finish high school. Um, it’s this long, boring story involving a yacht, and a famous soccer player, and like a ton of mushrooms. Anyway, I think it would be so great if we could just go around the room, and everyone could tell me like, five things about yourself."
"I walk through life in really nice shoes."
"I used to think that my one special lock needed to be like super aggressive and come from a long line of Adriatic royalty or have a beard and be really into the woods. Then I realized that sometimes a special little lock can come along that you didn't think would fit because it didn't look or act like the lock that you thought you needed, so instead of giving it a real chance you throw it away because it was too nice and it likes you too much and cared. And now that lock has found another key and you are so happy for it."
David, you look so cute under there! Like a tiny toadstool man, or a little acorn person or something!"
"I once passed off a mini horse and three guinea pigs as service animals so anything is possible."
"My best friend Summer used to date Hef in high school which isn't as weird as it sounds cause he was like a very young 77."
"Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I'd send him off with someone who like wasn't a threat. Like, Pippa Middleton or Rihanna."
"Hide your diamonds, hide your exes...I'm a little bit Alexis."
"You love old tortoises. It sounds like a dream!"
"Okay, this might sound insane, but I've had this like, nagging feeling that as soon as I get there, I'm going to start thinking about my family."
"I once planned Megan Fox’s bachelorette on this tiny island off the coast of Montenegro, where nothing is illegal. Like, nothing."
Stevie Budd:
"My car is worth less than your pants."
"You'd think there'd be more of a market for oversized paintings of other people's families."
“If there is anything remotely sentimental in here, he is on a date with you right now.”
"You're wearing a leather sweater in the dead of summer. You look good."
"I have my own holiday tradition. It's like the 12 Days of Christmas, but it's one day with 12 bottles of wine."
"Mr. Rose, I hope that someday I find someone who I can stand long enough to feel a little lost when they're not around."
"Um, I'm just wondering when the Bellinis are coming out?"
"Yeah, last week she told me to dance like an Indonesian scarf caught in the wind. I don't know even know what that looks like."
"Mr. Rose is gonna be fine. He has to be. I mean, I can't be left alone with this motel. I don't do math."
"David, look at this place you won, and on a personal note, I don't want you to leave me here, okay?"
Ted Mullens
"It's always gifts for the dogs and never for me. Definitely one of my pet peeves."
"Apparently I only I have two minutes so I'm going to make this quick. Hi. I'm Ted. I'm newly single. And I'd be kidding myself if I told you I hadn't wanted to do this every day for the last two years."
"Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! That's you!"
Patrick Brewer:
"And I like the name: Rose Apothecary. You know, it's just pretentious enough."
"No, you have a sloppy mouth."
" When you kissed me, that felt like my first time. All the things that you're supposed to feel, I felt them last night."
"David, I've spent most of my life not knowing what right was supposed to feel like, and then I met you. And everything changed. You make me feel right, David."
"You're my Mariah Carey."
"Where is anybody going to find glass blown Venetian masks around here?"
"He's also a great partner outside of business. We're together. David is my boyfriend. And I've never been happier in my life. And so I just, I hope you guys can accept that."
"So I used to come on this hike a lot when I just moved here. I was developing feelings for this guy I had just gotten into business with. And...I didn't know what to do about it because I didn't know if that guy had the same feelings or if I'd ever be able to muster up the courage to let him know how I felt. And now, here he is, the love of my life, standing in front from of me. And this just felt like the perfect place to ask you to marry me."
