Suddenly she felt very cold and so very alone. Voices kept ringing in her head and her world started spinning. All she saw was Shinji, naked, spitting blood all over the floor, gasping and collapsing in a dead heap. The thoughts drowned her awareness, everything seemed to glare and laugh at her. Ritsuko's comments fell on deaf ears; Asuka was too deep in paranoia to notice anything. Hysteria assaulted her, and suddenly she could see the white monsters who had devoured her and tortured her through countless nightmares; they were mocking her, grinning sadistically at her suffering. The twisted grins seemed to tell her something, a dark message imprinted through the bestial snouts.
"You see, we're not that different, you and meeee…"
"You see, we're not that different, you and meeee…"
"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!" Roared Shinji, enraged. His outburst came with a high price, though. As soon as he yelled, he started coughing violently, the machines around him ticking like crazy. Amazingly enough, Asuka turned her back on her attackers as soon as Shinji coughed, forgetting them completely.
"Shinji?! Shinji are you okay? Don't strain yourself!." Asuka wore a worried expression, hoping for the best yet fearing the worst. What if Shinji had reopened his wounds?
The boy, however, was busy getting his breathing in control and glaring hell at his so called friends.
"What… what do… any of you… (cough) know?! HUH?! What do you know?!" Shinji was breathing rather heavily, but he paid no mind to it, nor did he pay any mind Asuka's concerned eyes. No, he was focused on putting someone on their place.
"Nothing! You don't know shit! You didn't do SHIT! Asuka fought for you assholes, she fought nine Evangelions to save you!! And this is how you thank her, by insulting her?!"
'Shinji…" Muttered Asuka, finding his left hand and squeezing it, as to calm him. It was the first time she touched him since the incident.
"NO!! I will not just sit here and listen to this shit! She was the bravest of all of us, goddamnit!!! I did nothing, NOTHING while she fought alone, because I'm a good for nothing coward, but she didn't let that stop her!! She fought for everyone, until her last breath! And because she was alone, because I'm a fucking coward, she was ripped apart!! Literally!! And you… you dare insult her?! You have no right, you hear me?! No right!! No… (cough) (cough) right!"
"Shinji?! Shinji are you okay? Don't strain yourself!." Asuka wore a worried expression, hoping for the best yet fearing the worst. What if Shinji had reopened his wounds?
The boy, however, was busy getting his breathing in control and glaring hell at his so called friends.
"What… what do… any of you… (cough) know?! HUH?! What do you know?!" Shinji was breathing rather heavily, but he paid no mind to it, nor did he pay any mind Asuka's concerned eyes. No, he was focused on putting someone on their place.
"Nothing! You don't know shit! You didn't do SHIT! Asuka fought for you assholes, she fought nine Evangelions to save you!! And this is how you thank her, by insulting her?!"
'Shinji…" Muttered Asuka, finding his left hand and squeezing it, as to calm him. It was the first time she touched him since the incident.
"NO!! I will not just sit here and listen to this shit! She was the bravest of all of us, goddamnit!!! I did nothing, NOTHING while she fought alone, because I'm a good for nothing coward, but she didn't let that stop her!! She fought for everyone, until her last breath! And because she was alone, because I'm a fucking coward, she was ripped apart!! Literally!! And you… you dare insult her?! You have no right, you hear me?! No right!! No… (cough) (cough) right!"
—Chapter 8
"There's nothing to say, Baka-Shinji. You've done some stupid things, I've done a lot of stupid things and somehow we're still here. It's like scar tissue, you know." Shinji lifted an eyebrow at her.
"Scar tissue?" he asked, intrigued.
"Yeah." Asuka answered, smiling as she noticed the long, vertical line going up her arm. "Scar tissue is never like normal tissue, it's broken, sensitive, disfigured and simply different from before, and it can never go back to what it was." She traced the calloused circle around Shinji's palms, for once feeling no disgust or rejection for the reminders of the power once given to him.
"But… scar tissue is stronger. It'll endure much more than normal skin or bone, because it's already been hurt but managed to heal and get better. It might never be the same, but maybe that isn't such a bad thing, after all. Maybe a scar or two are the true proof that you've lived and grown."
—
Two parts of the same mark, two wounds bound together by the slow healing process of growth. No more words were exchanged between them; there was nothing else to say. Finally their worst doubts, their dreadful insecurities and hesitations had been laid to rest. They felt stronger, different, forever to remain damaged in some way. Harsher, but sensible at the same time. Like scar tissue.
—
"You know, I...wanted you to like me. I thought...I thought you had to, you had to like me, you were mine. There was never another way. I could never stand seeing you talking to other girls, or looking at them, not even Misato...maybe...maybe I did what I did because I needed to know, I needed you to want me, even with all these scars, even when I was a monster, even if I had to force you...I needed you...I still do..."
—Asuka, Chapter 9
What if this is the real me? What then? What if I have nothing to offer him but this? What's gonna happen when I lose it again and Wondergirl takes him away? I won't let her...I won't let her take him from me...
—Asuka to herself, Chapter 12
