Quotes / Professional Butt-Kisser

Fan Works

Vegeta: You know, I'm surprised you're here, Ginyu. I thought you'd be busy polishing Freeza's boots.
Captain Ginyu: First off, Lord Freeza doesn't wear boots. Second, if he did, I'd have already polished them.

— Dragon Ball Z Abridged

Films

"Don't you get it? You can't intimidate me anymore, Kent! I'm not one of your slimy little underlings; not like that assistant of yours—God he's such a brownnose that instead of a handkerchief he uses toilet paper!"

— Brad McBain, Hercules Returns

Chief Hearst: Mauser, you are the the most incredible ass-kisser I have ever seen.
Sgt. Mauser: Thank you very much, sir! I do my best.

— Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment

Literature

Ringed with a scum of chicken-necked bosses
he toys with the tributes of half-men.
One whistles, another meows, a third snivels.
He pokes out his finger and he alone goes boom.

— "The Stalin Epigram'' by Osip Mandelstam.

Live-Action TV

"Proximity to power deludes some into believing they wield it."

—Frank Underwood, House of Cards (US)

Humphrey: I assure you, I have no private ulterior motive. I'm trying to protect you from yourself. I'm entirely on your side.
Dorothy: How can we believe that?
Humphrey: Because this time it's true! [Hacker and Dorothy raise their eyebrows; Humphrey realises what he's said] I mean, this time I'm particularly on your side.

—Yes, Minister

Grand Nagus Zek:: Why do you look so surprised? I told you I'd be back.
Quark: I've looked forward to your return, Nagus!
Zek: Still the perfect little toady, eh, Quark?
Quark: I try to be.

—Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, "Rules of Acquisition"

Jarod: I'm a fan, Mr. Hanlon. You took a no-name video store, you turned it into an empire. You listen to people, you give them what they want. I like that!
Hanlon: (suspicious) You study people, too.
Jarod: "Master your space."
Hanlon: My lecture at Brownstone? That must've been... 12 years ago.
Jarod: It was 11. And it was the first time you used "Family First" as the company motto.
Hanlon: You were there?
Jarod: No, sir! But I bought the cassette. (I wore out my tape player!)

—The Pretender, "Curious Jarod"

"You have no idea what you're dealing with you little ass-kisser!"

— Bill Buchanan to Miles Papazian, 24

"I hate this idea that you're the best. Because you're not. I'm the best. I'm the best in the world. There's one thing you're better at than I am and that’s kissing Vince McMahon's ass. You're as good as kissing Vince McMahon's ass as Hulk Hogan was. I don't know if you're as good as Dwayne though. He's a pretty good ass kisser. Always was and still is."

— CM Punk, re: John Cena, Monday Night Raw, June 27, 2011

Music

You're a star-belly Sneetch, you suck like a leech
You want everyone to act like you
Kiss ass while you bitch so you can get rich
But your boss gets richer off you

—Dead Kennedys, "Holiday in Cambodia"

Podcasts

Jay: Backstage, Kanyon cuts a face promo, saying he puts his friendship with DDP ahead of the New Blood, and you get ahead in business "not by kissing ass, but busting your own." That's just simply not true. It's a nice sentiment, though. So Steve, how do you get ahead in wrasslin'?
OOC: By marryin' the boss' daughter.
V1: By aligning yourself with the top guys.
Jay: Sabotaging others, guaranteed contract, Creative Control, and—if possible—wear bicycle shorts.

—OSW Review on WCW Thunder Ep. 34

Tabletop Games

Why take risks by being the man in charge? Ride on his coattails and exploit the situation for all you can get. Hide behind a politician with power and promise, convince him that he can't get by without your skills, bow and scrape like a stooge, and stick by him to the end... at least, until he fails and you have to shop your skills to someone else. Your survival depends on your chosen victim's success. As long as you stay on the good side of people in power, no doubt you'll be safe. Just make sure your tongue doesn't get too black when you're licking the prince's boots...

—Roleplaying hints for the Advisor Vampire: The Masquerade - Clanbook: Nosferatu (Revised)

Web Original

When you’re a friend of Dan, you get to sit in his box. You get to go to Ray’s Hell Burger with him and listen to him tell his favorite black jokes. You get to see with him his kids and then tell other people, “This guy really does care about his family!” You get a no-show gig within his shambling organization. And, of course, you get an open invitation to all yacht and plane orgies. No Friend of Dan’s actually likes Dan, just as the rest of us don’t like him, either. Will that EVER stop Snyder from trying to convince the world he’s a Big Man? Of course not. He thinks everyone he befriends and everything he owns will add luster to his image, when he in fact ruins all of those things by mere association.

—Drew Magary, "Why Your Team Sucks: Washington Redskins"

Well, I'll say this much for the featurette: I'll be able to get through it very quickly. Despite being an 11-minute behind the scenes look at "A Night in Sickbay", it gives us no insight whatsoever into what may be the most reviled episode in the history of the Star Trek franchise... Of course, this is all part and parcel of the disturbing insularity that Berman and Braga exhibited as their time on Trek was coming to an end. I guess when people are gunning for your job, the last thing you want to do is give them more ammunition.

—The Agony Booth on Star Trek: Enterprise, "A Night in Sickbay"

I was at a conference just a couple of weeks ago, and one journalist asked a PR rep if he was allowed to write a story. Edward R. Murrow didn't just spin in his grave at that query; he catapulted out of it like a jack-in-the-box and started choking bitches.

—Cracked, "5 Disturbing Reasons Not to Trust the News (From a Reporter)"

Some Woodward acolytes argue that The Man Who Would Be President isn’t a book, because it was conceived and published as a newspaper series. You know, I’m looking at it right now, and it’s a book. It has pages and everything. Chapter 6 is titled, “The Vice President’s Driving Passion: Quayle Unleashes Competitive Energy on the Golf Course.” Woodward delights in uncovering details that presidents and senior administration figures have scrubbed from their official histories and omitted from their memoirs. Sorry, Bob. I found your smoking gun.

—Jeff Sullentrop

TK (aka, Terry Koeckritz, "The Knife", "Team Killer", TrollKing", "TightKnickers", etc.) was arguably the least productive and most sleazy of Conservapedia sysops. He was defrocked in late November 2007 after swearing at Schlafly in a private email, but was rehired to enforce Aschlafly's iron will at the end of 2008. People tend to think he was loyal to nobody but himself, and terminally power hungry. When he talked, let no dog bark; indeed, you would do well to heed his roar. He walked among Conservapedians like a god among crazy men. He was inclined to be abrasive, and tore communities down skillfully.

—Rational Wiki eulogizes TK

Western Animation

Principal Skinner: What do you think of the banners?
Superintendent Chalmers: Nothing but transparent toadying, Seymour.
Skinner: It was the children's idea. I tried to stop them.
Chalmers: It's always the children's fault, isn't it?
Skinner: Yes. Yes, it is.

—The Simpsons, "Whacking Day"

Real Life

Although a skillful flatterer is a most delightful companion if you have him all to yourself, his taste becomes very doubtful when he takes to complimenting other people.

—Charles Dickens

The herds seek out the great, not for their seed, but for their influence and the great welcome them out of vanity or need.

—Napoléon Bonaparte

Eichmann boasted about anything that seemed at all plausible to him: his genuinely close ties to the highest powers in Hungary; his somewhat indirect contact with the powers of the Third Reich; his access to everything from a "personal aircraft" to direct control of the gas chambers at Auschwitz... He threatened his victims with the prospect that after the "final victory," Hitler would make him "World Commissar of the Jews."

—Bettina Stangneth, Eichmann Before Jerusalem

"Personally, I think Goebbels was using anti-Semitism merely as a means of achieving personal power. Whether he had any deep-seated hatred against the Jews is questionable. I think he was too much of a thief and dishonest opportunist to have any deep-seated feelings for or against anything...Goebbels was so dishonest that it didn't pay to discuss anything with him."

—Herman Göring on Joseph Goebbels

"I watched myself doing phony breakups, laughing too hard at things that weren't funny, and laughing at things that weren't funny at all...People were looking at each other. 'Why is he laughing?' I watched myself introducing guests: 'My dear friend...! A great talent...!!'"

—Sammy Davis Jr. on hosting Sammy & Co.

"Vince McMahon's one fault may be that he when someone tells him some things, he believes them too earnestly, or he believes in their loyalty or their honesty too earnestly, 'cause otherwise he wouldn't let a fucking prick like Vince Russo run around. But there's Russo, ignoring his son's little league games to sit in Vince's outer office so he can suck up to him. And it wasn't because he wanted to fucking play Sir Walter Raleigh and throw himself down into the mud puddle; it's 'cause he wanted to cut everybody's nuts off."

—Jim Cornette on working with Vince Russo

“It felt very set up. It’s a place that’s very manufactured for Scooter Braun or for Kim Kardashian’s family to say whatever they wanted."

—Anonymous publicist on Ellen Degeneres

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