Quotes / No Such Agency

"If you or any member of your IM Force are caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow all knowledge of your actions."

— The mission briefing Once an Episode in Mission: Impossible

Simmons: I'm ordering you [to take your gun out of my face] under S-7 executive jurisdiction.
Epps: S-7 don't exist.
Lennox: That's right, and we don't take orders from people who don't exist.

— Transformers (2007)

"These teams will operate on a covert, top-secret basis. No one outside this facility is to know of their existence other than the President and the Joint Chiefs."

— Maj. Gen. George Hammond, Stargate SG-1, "Children of the Gods"

TV host: Tell us about the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense.
Tom Manning: All right, I'm gonna tell you and the American people one thing. This, um—
TV host: Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense.
Manning: There is no. Such. Thing.

— Hellboy (2004)

James Edwards: So which government branch do we report to?
Agent Kay: None, they ask too many questions.

— Men in Black

"For those in the know, the joke was that NSA stood for 'no such agency'. For those on the inside, the joke was that NSA stood for 'never say anything'."

— James Bamford, author of The Shadow Factory, "The Spy Factory", Nova

"CIA Denies CIA Founding"

— Our Dumb Century, page 73 (February 20, 1947)

Sloan: Let's just say I belong to another branch of Starfleet Intelligence. Our official designation is Section 31.
Bashir: Never heard of it.
Sloan: We keep a low profile. Works out better that way for all concerned.

— Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, "Inquisition"

Zhaban: "Zhat Vash" is a term sometimes used to refer to the dead — the only reliable keepers of secrets.
Picard: Ominous.
Laris: No, fitting, because that's the sole purpose of the Zhat Vash — to keep a secret so profound and terrible, just learning it can break a person's mind.

— Star Trek: Picard, "Maps and Legends"

Carter: So... what is the Bureau?
Faulke: Bureau of Operations and Command.
Carter: Never heard of it.
Faulke: You were never meant to.

— The Bureau: XCOM Declassified

As for the "international entrepreneurs" — whatever such creatures might be — they were not. In fact, they were a branch of Government, or more properly a subsidiary body. Government supported them in the way a tree supports a small creeper, but their roots were wholly separate. And similarly, because they were a very tiny parasite, the vast bulk of the tree was totally unaware of their presence.

— Necroscope

Commander Denniston: This is Stewart Menzies. MI6.
Charles Richards: There are only five divisions of military intelligence. There is no MI6.
Stewart Menzies: Exactly. That's the spirit.

— The Imitation Game

Cardinal Jinette: Don't get me wrong. Your results are unquestionable, but your methods attract far too much attention. Wanted posters. We are not pleased.
Gabriel van Helsing: Do you think I like being the most wanted man in Europe? Why don't you and the order do something about it?
Jinette: Because we do not exist.

— Van Helsing

"Let me rephrase," O5-8 says. "Marion Wheeler, forty-nine, with loving husband and two boys in tow. Likes camping, hiking and ornithology. Boring mother with perfect, airtight background and financials, as far back as we can examine. And you've got full Foundation credentials which we've never issued, including access to a list of installations and rooms which… some of these locations don't exist, or were torn down decades ago. At least one hasn't been built yet, yet you've got the front door key to it. That's before we get to your SCP access control lists, which I can only term as 'egregious'."

Marion has long since stopped listening. "You dullard," she says now she can finally speak, "I'm your chief of Antimemetics."

"We don't have an Antimemetics Division," Clay says.

"Yes, you do. We do.”

— There Is No Antimemetics Division

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