Nextwave: healing America by beating people up.
Elsa: What was your super hero name?
The Captain: Captain ☠☠☠☠.
Elsa: You're kidding me.
The Captain: Nope. I was Captain ☠☠☠☠.
Elsa: Why, for God's sake?
The Captain: Hey, I'm from Brooklyn. I'm going to call myself Mr. Friendly? Hell, no. Captain ☠☠☠☠.
The Captain: I met Captain America once. He asked me what my name was.
Elsa: And you said Captain ☠☠☠☠.
The Captain: Man, he beat seven shades of it out of me. Left me in a dumpster with a bar of soap shoved in my mouth.
Dirk Anger: I'm ninety years old. You know how I look so pretty? I take drugs. Special H.A.T.E. drugs. Life extending drugs. H.A.T.E. has the best drugs. Because H.A.T.E. loves me. And I love H.A.T.E. Every day of my horrible drug-extended terrorist-fighting life. Every day I smoke two hundred cigarettes and one hundred cigars and drink a bottle of whisky and three bottles of wine with dinner. And dinner is meat. Raw meat. The cook serves me an entire animal and I fight it bare-handed and tear off what I want and eat it and have the rest buried. In New Jersey! For H.A.T.E.!
Monica Rambeau is a veteran super hero previously known as Captain Marvel, whose mother always wanted her to get a proper job. So she joined H.A.T.E. When her mother died, she went to Hell, and is used as a bucket by giant weasels dressed as cheerleaders. And that's what happens when you tell your kids to get a proper job.
Nextwave is a super hero comic about five people who have just minutes to prevent a town from being eaten by a giant lizard monster. In purple underpants.
Nextwave gets their lovin' from your mama!
Why do giant monsters eat people? Human beings are mostly water. Their tissues and fluids retain flavors and other residues from their blood. Their bones have a brittle quality. Their skin is warm and pliant. Thirst-quenching, well-seasoned, crunchy and yet chewy: people are the Elvis of snack food.
Monica Rambeau can convert part or all of her mass into any form of electromagnetic energy in the spectrum. Except the ones they make up on Star Trek.
Monica: Okay, so we can't break its hide. So we need a new plan. Lateral thinking.
Elsa: Is that what they taught you in the Avengers? That and beware of spooky chicks who think they've been made pregnant by robots?
Aaron: I could make you pregnant.
Elsa: Not unless you could do it from over there, clanky.
Aaron: I am full of very useful devices.
You have bought an episode of NEXTWAVE unless you stole it off the Internet.
Elsa: When I kill you with a motor-car, you should have the common decency to stay dead, you horrid little object.
You have been reading NEXTWAVE a comic single about five pirate super heroes twisting the nipple of the military-industrial complex.
Tabby: Oh, man. You're a cop?
Officer Mangel: Cop.
Tabby: You're kidding me! I hate cops!
Officer Mangel: Uugg...
Tabby: Because, like, cops keep arresting me and stuff? For stealing? Like stealing's a crime or something?
Aaron: Cops—the most annoying fleshy ones of all.
Nextwave would like to remind the audience that dragging insane, corrupt police officers who change into giant killer robots into an alleyway and shooting them a lot is very bad and not the Marvel way. And also still illegal in most states.
Tabby: I'm sorry, broccoli murder-dudes. You just grow up to be, like, too harsh, you know?
Elsa: I swear to God, nowhere on Earth do they talk like you, Tabby.
Arishem the Judge: Aaron Stack, you who are called Machine Man. You have traveled with us for three hundred and sixty cycles by your reckoning of time. There is now something we have to tell you.
Arishem the Judge: You are total ☠☠☠☠.
Monica: Oh, God, now what... We didn't have to deal with this kind of thing in the Avengers.
[flashback]
Monica: It's the Gamma-Activated Bull Men From Beyond The Nineteenth Perimeter—and they're naked.
Captain America: Cover your eyes, go back to the Avengers Mansion, and make me my dinner.
Monica Rambeau, leader of the Nextwave Squad, lies all the time.
Elsa: I make it six each.
Tabby: Don't you try and impress me with your counting. You know I growed up in a trailer park.
It's not all right. It will never be all right again. Nothing will ever be the same again. No good can come of a robot in a bra.
The Captain: I was Captain Power for a while. But then I got sued. Something about a cartoon. Then I changed it to Captain Ron. And got sued. Changed it to Captain L. Ron. Got beaten up by Tom Cruise.
The Captain: I was Captain Universe, but it turned out there was already a Captain Universe. Captain Ultra. There was already one of those. A plumber, would you believe. Broke into my apartment and left a horse's head in the water tank as a warning.
The Captain: Captain Avenger
, taken. Captain Avalon, I had to give up.
, taken. Captain Avalon, I had to give up.Aaron: Captain Avalon?
The Captain: Avalon was my mom's favorite album. Roxy Music. But not only was there already one of them, but then Mom told me it was what was playing the night she conceived me. So...no. I tried Captain Marvel.
Aaron: Monica was Captain Marvel once.
The Captain: There've been, like, eight Captain Marvels. One of them was an adult movie actor with a yellow lightning bolt tattooed on his...anyway.
The Captain: There was a Captain Kerosene. I mean, I was scraping the bottom of the barrel, and there was already a Captain Kerosene. That's my luck, right there.
. I mean, I was scraping the bottom of the barrel, and there was already a Captain Kerosene. That's my luck, right there.The Captain: I wasn't Captain Rectitude, but I was pretty much all of the other Captains at one time or another. So I gave up. I decided I was just The Captain. And then some Marine-looking melon-farmer tracks me down and says, 'I was The Captain first!'
, but I was pretty much all of the other Captains at one time or another. So I gave up. I decided I was just The Captain. And then some Marine-looking melon-farmer tracks me down and says, 'I was The Captain first!'The Captain: I had to pay him money in the end. If I'm boring you, just say so.
[While the Captain has been talking, Stack has tapped the keg with a hose, which he jams directly into his own forehead]
Aaron: God, no.
Monica: Tabby said there was a "Magik" in the X-Men.
Elsa: Didn't Tabby also say that Magik was dead?
Monica: Like that matters. X-Men come back more than Jesus.
Monica: Doctor Strange hit on me once.
Elsa: You're kidding.
Monica: "Got any magic in you? Would you like some?"
In the real world, people do sometimes run out of shotgun shells. Hollywood lies to you constantly.
The Captain: First I'm going to kill whoever's in there, then I'm gonna ☠☠☠☠ them, then I'm going to make a joke, then I'm going to ☠☠☠☠ them again. I'm gonna be a super hero.
It had been a long, strange night for the Nextwave Squad. One of them finally had his turn at winning. One of them even approached a Character Moment. You can be damn sure we won't let ☠☠☠☠ like that happen again.
Nextwave: A tale of five pirate superheroes stopping the terrorist cell S.I.L.E.N.T. today masquerading as the Beyond Corporation from product-testing WMDs on American cities and if that actually made sense to you tell mommy or daddy to get you the special pills.
Monica: Let's save America by beating up everything we see.
Nextwave know that science is a trick on white people and that the shamans of the mountains, the jungle, the desert and the steppe have hated Stephen Hawking for five thousand years.
Nextwave: You must buy six copies of this comic now.
Nextwave are in your room and touching your stuff.
Nextwave should only be taken in 100 mg doses and never through the urethra.
Nextwave: blatantly wasting your money since 2006.
Aaron: Follow the sexy robot. I know the way.
Tabby: Where's the sexy robot? Is he invisible too?
Nextwave: here we go here we go here we go
