Tom Tucker: Well Diane, that last report was so good I think you deserve a spanking.
Diane: Oh Tom, I don't think your wife would appreciate that.
Tom: Haha, that frigid old cow lives in Quahog! She can't hear a word I'm saying.
Camera Guy: Actually, we're back on the air in Quahog.
Diane: Oh Tom, I don't think your wife would appreciate that.
Tom: Haha, that frigid old cow lives in Quahog! She can't hear a word I'm saying.
Camera Guy: Actually, we're back on the air in Quahog.
Robotnik: IIIIIIIII HAAAAAATTTTTEEEEEEE THAAAAAAAAAAAT HEEEEEEEEEDGEHOOOOOOGGGG!!! I hate him! I hate him! How am I supposed to turn Mobians into slaves if he keeps ruining all my plans?
Sonic: Too bad, blubber-belly! You just told that to ALL of Mobius!
Sonic: Too bad, blubber-belly! You just told that to ALL of Mobius!
— Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, "Sonic Gets Thrashed"
Vernon: (on television) Vernon Fenwick, ace reporter here. I'm at the reptile house where a new turtle habitat has just been opened to the general public. This new sanctuary will be a boon to turtles everywhere.
Donatello: Alright! Score one for the good guys!
Vernon: Not only will it protect numerous endangered species of our turtle friends, but it will help educate the public about these highly intelligent creatures. And now, back to our studios. Eew! What a waste! Spending our hard-earned tax dollars on a bunch of dirty, smelly reptiles!
Cameraman: (appears onscreen) Uh, Vernon, we're still on the air!
Vernon: (chuckles) Oops.
Donatello: Alright! Score one for the good guys!
Vernon: Not only will it protect numerous endangered species of our turtle friends, but it will help educate the public about these highly intelligent creatures. And now, back to our studios. Eew! What a waste! Spending our hard-earned tax dollars on a bunch of dirty, smelly reptiles!
Cameraman: (appears onscreen) Uh, Vernon, we're still on the air!
Vernon: (chuckles) Oops.
— Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987), "Donatello Trashes Slash"
Please beware of the spikes on the Asteroid Coaster. They are sharp! ...really! We have to warn people about spikes? Like they won't notice the spikes, I mean come on, the cars are nothing but spikes! Unbelievable, wh—huh, what, my what is still on?
— Dr. Eggman, Sonic Colors
Kryten: We’ve found something, sir.
Lister: What is it?
Kryten: I think it’s one of the crew. A malformed triple-headed skeleton with putrefied flesh hanging from it. It fell through Rimmer as we opened the lift door.
Lister: Is he alright?
Kryten: I think he’s just discovered what shirt-tails are for.
Rimmer: Alright Kryten, you don’t have to make me sound like a completely cowardly gimboy git. I’m fine now.
Kryten: So should I cancel the order to find your mother?
Rimmer: Is that thing still on?
Lister: What is it?
Kryten: I think it’s one of the crew. A malformed triple-headed skeleton with putrefied flesh hanging from it. It fell through Rimmer as we opened the lift door.
Lister: Is he alright?
Kryten: I think he’s just discovered what shirt-tails are for.
Rimmer: Alright Kryten, you don’t have to make me sound like a completely cowardly gimboy git. I’m fine now.
Kryten: So should I cancel the order to find your mother?
Rimmer: Is that thing still on?
Gwen: What I'm trying to tell you is, you ARE still on with him.
Jason: I gave you the "kill" gesture!
Gwen: No! You gave me the "we're dead" signal! I was agreeing with you!
Sarras: Perhaps I am not as stupid as I am ugly, Commander!
Jason: I gave you the "kill" gesture!
Gwen: No! You gave me the "we're dead" signal! I was agreeing with you!
Sarras: Perhaps I am not as stupid as I am ugly, Commander!
Pearl: Marina, don't tell anyone, but I got a new pair of training wheels for my bike!
Marina: You know we're still live, right?
Skinner: In other news, the following students have won mountain bikes: Bart Simpson, Nelson Muntz, and Jimbo Jones. You can pick up your bikes in utility basement B. ... fools! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-HA-HA-H-... Oops, still on. (turns intercom off)
Bart: Wonder what he meant by that "fools" remark.
Nelson: Who cares?! I'm gonna get me a mountain bike!
Bart: Wonder what he meant by that "fools" remark.
Nelson: Who cares?! I'm gonna get me a mountain bike!
—The Simpsons, "Whacking Day"
I believe there's something special in all of us. With true inner strength, you can conquer even your biggest challenges. You just have to believe in yourself and remain honest, motivated, and above all, who you really are. Ok, let's stop it right there. I can only do so many takes of this trash a day. And tell the guys in writing I want more use of the word dreaming in every message. Keep railing on that, get it? Dreaming! Dreaming! Dreaming! People just eat up that kind of slop. Hmm, what? It's still on? Well, turn it off, damn it!
—Joey Drew, Bendy and the Ink Machine
Cristiano Ronaldo: [Storms offstage angrily, muttering under his breath on the way to the bathroom, then proceeds to unzip and pee] What a bunch of stupid losers. Nani wants to take shots at me? That's okay, his shots are never on target. Hope he's enjoying retirement in Florida. Speaking of Florida, he should hang out with my old teammate, Gonzalo Higuain. They're both very good... at being irrelevant! And what's with [Thomas] Muller, are these even jokes? Save it for the horses, pal! I am the most popular person on Instagram! You hear that [Alphonso] Davies? With your stupid little TikToks? Good luck in the World Cup with Canada. And now Zlatan's making a movie? Who does he think he is, me? Win a Champions League first. Or a Ballon d'Or. Or a European Championship. I could go on and on and on, but I don't want to sound like Eden Hazard talking about hamburgers. I mean Real Madrid is just a mess. These guys will never win another Champions League with Toni Kroos Control.
[Marcelo gets up from the Real Madrid table and quietly makes his way to the bathroom]
Ronaldo: And I thought Karim Benzema was a slowpoke. And what's the deal with Sergio Ramos's beard? Was he marooned on a desert island, or just stranded in a center back partnership with Raphael Varane? Ugh! I'm so sick of all these "Next Ronaldos". Joao Felix? He'd be lucky to be the next Nani! [Door opens]
Marcelo: Psst! Ronaldo!
Ronaldo: What, what do you want?
Marcelo: Your mic!
Ronaldo: Huh?
Marcelo: Your mic is on, everyone can hear you!
[Ronaldo stops peeing and hastily zips up, reentering the stage]
Ronaldo: Heyyyyy everybody, gotcha! Haha, jokes, right? We're all just making fun of each other, having a great time, everyone gets roasted. Okay, I'm just gonna sit back down and enjoy the rest of the show. Okay next roaster, Woohoo, yeah!
Chris: [Onstage, as Captain Hook] If you are Hook, then who am I?
Chris: [Recording] A codfish! A codfish! A codfish!
Robert: Cut. Yes, I suppose that'll do. Not very piratey if you ask me.
Chris: Well, at least you can understand what I'm saying.
Robert: Lacks authenticity. Are we done for the day?
Chris: Actually, Robert, there's something I wanted to talk to you about.
Robert: Oh, is it Dennis? He doesn't know a single line!
Chris: No, it's not that. I'm concerned about Johnathan and Sandra.
Robert: Oh, absolutely. Their behavior is just lewd!
Chris: Exactly. Johnathan's playing Peter Pan and Sandra's playing Wendy, they can't be sleeping together.
Robert: He's supposed to be the boy who wouldn't grow up, not the boy who couldn't keep it in his pants.
[Onstage, Johnathan and Sandra edge away from each other.]
Robert: And she's just as bad! Flirting with everybody! It's no wonder Max is obsessed with her.
Chris: Is he?
Robert: You've seen the way he looks at her. Pathetic.
Chris: Oh, well, that must be why he kept asking if he can play Peter Pan, he just wants to get closer to her.
Robert: He didn't? He wants to play Peter?! But Max can't act! He cannot act to save his life! He's terrible as Michael and the crocodile. He's playing it like a mammal.
Chris: I know he's bad, but we need his uncle's money. He's invested forty thousand pounds into this production, Robert! It's the only reason he's here.
Robert: What a loser.
Chris: Oops, left the microphone on-
