Quotes / Improvised Weapon

"Imagination is a weapon too. Those without it are the first to die."

—Goblin Slayer, Goblin Slayer

"I'll kill you with my teacup."

— Riddick, The Chronicles of Riddick

Jade: I ought'a take this and kill you both with it!
Tori: (holding onto Andre) How can you kill us with a roll of toilet paper?

— Victorious

"I once saw him kill three men in a bar with a pencil. With... a fucking... pencil."

—Viggo, regarding John Wick

"We must improvise. The world is full of weapons waiting to be used."

— Tai Kaliso, Gears of War: Jacinto's Remnant

Farrel: You just killed a helicopter with a car!
McClane: I was out of bullets.

— Live Free or Die Hard

"You used a crate? I mean, really, a crate?"

— Neutral, TwoKinds

"Did you know that, at 400 miles per hour, soccer balls can decapitate people?"

—Steven Heck, Alpha Protocol

"Folks're always tellin' me to use the door."

— Sal, It's Walky!

Zeetha: You just said: "No weapons."
Higgs: That wasn't a weapon, that was a chair.
Zeetha: Well then! Give me a chair!
Higgs: Comin' up.
[later]
Zeetha: Tankard! Not a weapon!

— Girl Genius

A muzzle takes away your teeth, but look around - there are teeth everywhere.

— Argal, Doglands

"This needle-sized ninja sword is too small to use as a weapon. Well, it's too small to use as an effective weapon. Pretty much anything can be used as an ineffective weapon."

— Kingdom of Loathing

"As long as we still have guns, we gonna fight. And if we run out of bullets? Baby, they gonna wish we hadn't."

— Coach, Left 4 Dead 2

Kung-Fu Cowboy minion: [does a bunch of kicks] I learned that from a Chinaman!
West: [picks up a shovel and knocks him out in one hit] I just made that up!

— Wild Wild West

Dr. Danger: Can nothing stop this thing?
"Dash" O' Pepper: Just let me throw a barrel at it!

— Freakazoid!, "Toby Danger in Doomsday Bet"

"Shit, there's a lot of things you could use to kill a guy with. You could probably beat a guy to death with the Sunday New York Times, couldn't you?"

— George Carlin

Seanbaby: Where the book really shines is its tips on creating makeshift weapons using only the crap found on a plane. For example, here's how to arts 'n' crafts an ordinary Coke can into a dagger... they give tips on crushing terrorist windpipes with the edge of a meal tray! Why the hell not!?
Stewardess: THIS is the deal with airline food!

— "4 Real Survival Guides For Wildly Improbable Situations"

"Depending on how hardcore you are about making trips to the Home Depot every weekend, this place can potentially be literally covered from wall to wall with diabolical instruments so pointy and menacing that it makes some of those pussy-ass Spanish Inquisition torture chambers look like an inflatable bounce house at a six-year-old's birthday party."

— Badass of the Week, on the garage.

Glory: You lost your hammer, sweet cheeks. What are you gonna hit me with now?
[a huge wrecking-ball smashes through the wall and into Glory]
Buffy: Whatever's handy.

— Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "The Gift"

Valmont: You are telling me one man stopped you?
Finn: Uh, yes, but—
Valmont: Three of my enforcers armed with high-tech weapons were defeated by an... archaeologist?
Finn: Did we mention he had windshield wipers?

— Jackie Chan Adventures, "The Dark Hand"

Ben: Whoa! I am... pretty sure you shouldn't have a weapon at work.

Ron: Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder in my hands is much deadlier than this bow in yours.

Ben: Oh, that's... probably true.

— Parks and Recreation. Keep in mind Ron has an enormous crossbow in his hands for this particular conversation

"A good secret agent can use anything as a weapon. A back scratcher can be just as deadly as a chain saw. It shouldn't matter what you choose. I once took out a dozen terrorists with a jelly donut and a cup of cocoa."

—Matilda "Wheezer" Choi, N.E.R.D.S.

"He is to be considered armed and dangerous at all times. Even if he’s holding something you wouldn’t normally consider lethal."

— World Domination in Retrospect, in reference to the main character.

Shu Aozaki: So this "Shizuo" guy... how does he fight?
Mizuki Akabayashi: Well... it's kinda hard to explain. He usually just grabs whatever's lying around.
Shu: That's not surprising. Anyone with any street sense has grabbed a rock or something a few times.
Mizuki: Yeah, but this guy hits people with vending machines and guard rails.
Shu: No imagination, huh? Everyone has knocked someone into a vending machine before.
Mizuki: That's not it at all, boss. This guy picks up vending machines and rips up guard rails and then throws them at people.

— Durarara!!

Roy Harper: See, the thing about me is, I can use anything as a weapon. So the more you blast stuff apart, the more weapons you give me.

—Titans (1999)

[W]e stood there and listened to the unmistakable sound of priceless artifacts being used as improvised weaponry.

— She-Beast, pointedly not getting involved in a fight at a museum, Whateley Universe, "Diamonds are a Vamp's Best Friend" part 4

I went in next, took a bullet to the chest. So I hit him in the head with the only thing that was anywhere near me.
A tin of baked beans and a Woman's Weekly.

— Space, Me & You Vs. The World

According to the victim, the Green Guide started fighting the guy, but couldn’t get the upper hand until he grabbed a can of beans and started beating the guy with it like it was a pair of improvised brass knuckles. It was pretty brutal, but also effective.

— Tsukauchi, Viridian: The Green Guide

You will collect and contain paranormal objects, and then use them to beat up sharks.

— Unnamed speaker, SCP Foundation, "10:30 A.M."

"A brass unicorn has been catapulted across a London street and impaled an eminent surgeon. Words fail me, gentlemen."

—Waverley, The Abominable Dr. Phibes

"This thing makes a surprisingly good weapon."

—Mabel Pines after decapitating a zombie with a karaoke machine, Gravity Falls, "Scary-oke"

We fired our cannon 'til the barrel melted down,

So we grabbed an alligator and we fought another round.

We filled his head with cannonballs and powdered his behind,

And when we touched the powder off, the gator lost his mind!

— Johnny Horton, "The Battle of New Orleans"

Hans gives you a knock over the head with his guitar. You hear a loud "Bwong!" and you fall. Hans then throws you out with his broken guitar. Your adventure is over.

— OWL Magazine, 2007 Summer Digest

Farming Hoe: "A farming tool primarily used for tilling fields. Its fine craftsmanship is sturdy enough to withstand backbreaking fieldwork, but its battle applications are untested."

Boat Oar: "Made for paddling boats, but it was made sturdy enough to fight strong currents. Maybe it's useful for self-defense in a pinch."

Wooden Mop: "Just a mop to the untrained eye, it excels at tidying up the place. But it owes its sturdy construction to a true craftsman, so it actually has some combat merit."

— Compendium entries on daily-use tools, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

"Me and Haymitch just got through about a million Peacekeepers, using a tie and a piece of broken plastic."

— Jack Anderson, The Golden Mean

"Reggie Mantle, let me see that fiddle!"

— Veronica Lodge right before she smashes said fiddle right through Reggie's head, Archie Comics (Betty and Veronica in "Fiddle-Dee-Dumb")

"All the good film is RUINED! But I can still use this camera!"

— Director furiously chasing Dick Dastardly with his camera stand, Dastardly & Muttley in Their Flying Machines ("Movies Are Badder Than Ever")

Heavy, metal, blunt. Could be used for fixing a flat, sure.

— Flavor Text for the Tire Iron, Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines

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