Quotes / Grumpy Old Man

Blogs

Nice to see that Dustin is taking a day off from its usual shtick of slamming on millennials, or even its occasional shtick of slamming on baby boomers, to cover a subject we can all enjoy: TV commercials. You ever notice how many commercials are on TV, folks? Millennials don’t, because they use their parents logins to watch Netflix and HBO Go on their laptops in their rooms, but that’s neither here nor there.

—The Comics Curmudgeon on Dustin

Film — Live-Action

"My father was a wheel! The first wheel! And do you know what he transformed into? Nothing!! But he did it with honor! Dignity, damn it!"

— Jetfire, Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen

"Grandpa Schneider is kind of, you know, nice and affable. He'd maybe take you for ice cream, maybe read to you. Grandpa Palmer doesn't wanna do any of that. If you ask him to read, he might throw the book at you."

— Hank Palmer, The Judge

"Not if there's a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're going to faint. Even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudgepacker that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States and he's going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock. Not on this door. Not for any reason."

— Melvin, As Good as It Gets

Literature

Old, blind and sick as Ayrs is, he could hold his own in a college debating society, though I notice he rarely proposes alternatives for the systems he ridicules. "Liberality? Timidity for the rich!" "Socialism? The younger brother of a decrepit despotism, which it wants to succeed!" "Conservatives? Adventitious liars, whose doctrine of free will is their greatest deception." What sort of state does he want? "None! The better organized the state, the duller its humanity."

—Robert Frobisher, Cloud Atlas

The Club is in the shit. No one can be bothered to stay - no one! In the good old days there were always one or two who worked their way into senior party ranks, just to make sure anyone born into this place would have a reasonable friend at court, but now? "It's too unreliable, Madam Olga," they whine. "Doesn't matter what we do, or whose side we're on, we keep getting purged and shot, it's just not worth the effort. And if we're not purged in the 1930s, we're purged during the war, and if we're not purged during the war, we're purged by Khrushchev. We're bored with this game." Weedy little arses! They don't have any sticking power, that's the problem. Or it's "We want to have the good life, Madam Olga. We want to see the world," and I exclaim, "You're Russian. You could spend a hundred lifetimes and never see all of Russia!" but they can't be bothered. They don't want to spend their time and energy on being in their native lands so they all cross the borders and emigrate, but they still expect to be looked after when they're born again, little whiny snots!

—Madam Olga, The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August

Music

"Yeah, and what about student drivers using my streets to learn?
If you learn to play the drums, you gotta go to a studio
Go to A PARKING LOT FOR GOD'S SAKE!! WHY ARE YOU JEOPARDIZING MY LIFE
I can't get behind a student driver"

— William Shatner, "I Can't Get Behind That"

Radio

"You punks gotta realize, these 70 year old guys, most of them have been in a war, and you haven't."

— Neal Boortz

Sir Phillip Bin: (to his daughter and son in-law) Your lateness has given me much to rant and rail about, which I enjoy greatly.

Jeremy Sourquill: Is this not in itself a rant and / or rail?

Sir Phillip: It is. I am slightly mollified.

—Bleak Expectations

Theatre

"Kids!
They are just impossible to control
Kids!
With their awful clothes and their rock n' roll
Why can't they dance like we did
What's wrong with Sammy Kaye?
What's the matter with kids today?!"

— Bye Bye Birdie, "Kids"

Video Games

"You know the problem with the youth nowadays? They're YOUNG!"

— Jolee Bindo, Knights of the Old Republic

"I hate you all. Shut up and let me be old and grumpy in peace."

— Nakmor Drack, Mass Effect: Andromeda

"They can't keep this level of graphics up for much longer! We used to be lucky if we only got three shades of grey, let alone any real colors!"

— Cranky Kong, Donkey Kong Country

"Young punks. Get off my lawn!"

— Soldier: 76, Overwatch

Web Original

"MILLENNIALS.

You gosh darn millennials, you are the cause of all the issues here today. You aren’t ambitious, but you’re also not trepidatious. Just writing that sentence required me to look up the meaning of the word trepidatious on three different sites just so I could try to figure out what Vince was meaning in his rant. Despite spending this time researching it, I still have no clue."

— Wrestlecrap, Vince McMahon and the BRASS RINGS – 2014 Gooker Award Co-Winner"

"Tommy Lee Jones isn't the human Grumpy Cat. Grumpy Cat is the pussy Tommy Lee Jones."

— DListed, "The Time Tommy Lee Jones Said 'I Hate You' To Jim Carrey In The Middle Of A Restaurant"

They can call each other "giants" but we have to call them "enlarged people" or something. That's how it works. They start out simple and then they just want to torture you, make you bend over backwards so you don't hurt any feelings. Before you know it, up is down, men are getting married to each other, and the Jets are hosting a Super Bowl.

—Something Awful, "Mike Ditka's Team Name Horseshit Roundup"

"When you get older, much of your hate comes from knowledge and experience, which is why really old people hate everyone."

— Deadspin

"By law, all Supreme Court dissents must be WITHERING and/or SCATHING, and Scalia's proclamation today was no different. It even includes the phrase "Ask your nearest hippie". I am not joking."

—Drew Magary, "Scalia Smash!: Our Ragiest Supreme Court Justice"

"The only thing I know of that can cut through her hide ain't in no World of Warcraft game. So how you like them apples, hippies? Can't stop rockets with your Starbucks and iPads, can you? Old guys win again! OLD GUYS WIN AGAIN!"

— Chris Sims, "Frank Miller Was a Cranky Old Man All Along"

"It doesn't help that today's old-folks were raised at a time when it wasn't considered cool to talk about your problems in any kind of constructive way. You sucked it up and lived with it. If you committed suicide, they would literally call you a fag in the obituary. Well, if you 'suck it up' for 80 years it eventually just overflows onto everyone who walks past your house."

— Cracked, "6 Obnoxious Old People Habits (Explained By Science)"

"Tomorrow the tides will ebb and flow, the sun will rise, and Bill O'Reilly will be pissed off about something. I settled back on my couch and let it all wash over me. 'We are in the twilight zone. America has entered another dimension,' he began, and I gave out a small, satisfied sigh. Take me home, Bill, take me home."

— John Haggerty, "My Personal Fox News Nightmare"

Web Video

Grandpa: This never would've happened when I was a boy! You kids these days and your Millennium Items and your card games and your loud music and your hula hoops and your hopscotch and your dungarees and your lollipops and your Sony Playstations and your voice-activated light switches and your leather pants and your artificial insemination—
Yugi: That's enough, Grandpa. It's time for the big message.
Grandpa: Hey, I'm not finished ranting!

— Yu-Gi-Oh The Abridged Movie

Third Hokage: I can't believe it, Orochimaru, but you're making me resort to my ultimate attack, a forbidden jutsu passed down through the line of the Hokages!
Orochimaru: [Gasp] You don't mean...
Third Hokage: Yes! The Old Man Monologue Jutsu!

— Naruto: The Abridged Series

Western Animation

Young Homer: You wouldn't understand, dad. You're not with it!
Abraham Simpson: I used to be 'with it'. But then they changed what 'it' was. Now what I'm with isn't 'it', and what's 'it' seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to YOU.

— The Simpsons, "Homepalooza"

"Ever noticed? No matter how tough your grandparents had it when they were kids, they still call it 'The Good Old Days'."

— Mosely Moville, Moville Mysteries

Real Life

"If men learn this, it will implant forgetfulness in their souls; they will cease to exercise memory because they rely on that which is written, calling things to remembrance no longer from within themselves, but by means of external marks. What you have discovered is a recipe not for memory, but for reminder. And it is no true wisdom that you offer your disciples, but only its semblance, for by telling them of many things without teaching them you will make them seem to know much, while for the most part they know nothing, and as men filled, not with wisdom, but with the conceit of wisdom, they will be a burden to their fellows."

— Plato on the invention of writing

"Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book."

— Cicero, proving that there's nothing new under the sun.

"The Golden Past was never the Golden Present."

— Benjamin Franklin (attributed)

"The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom."

— H. L. Mencken

"You know, it's a funny thing, every one of the bastards that are out for legalizing marijuana are Jewish. What the Christ is the matter with the Jews, Bob? What is the matter with them? I suppose it is because most of them are psychiatrists."

— Richard Nixon, transcripts from White House tapes

"Pull your pants up and act like a man!"

— Gene Hackman to Wes Anderson on the set of The Royal Tenenbaums

"The world is in greater turmoil than at any time in my lifetime."

— Senator John McCain (AZ), on being born in 1936

"We didn't have room for cute in my life. Things were tough every day of our lives. And we made the best of it. Frankly, that's why I'm driven the way I am. I was raised on neglect, anger and hate. I was raised the old-fashioned way."

— Michael Savage

"Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS! MY DICK!"

—Lewis Black on lactose-free beverages

"We don't need one show about cupcakes, as far as I'm concerned. But you know what, if you've got one, okay, that's fine, let's have a show about cupcakes. But does it have to be a fucking competition? Do you have to have Cupcake Wars? And I'm sure people who have been in war kind of take offense to that. Because seriously, it's not that goddamn dangerous to make a cupcake."

— Billy Bob Thorton, Oprah's Master Class

"Nowadays people give the middle finger quite quickly – it’s not the best behavior. Everybody does that, what’s new about that? It’s just become a bad habit. People in magazines are 50% bimbo and 50% pregnant women."

— Fashion designer Karl Lagerfield

"I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it."

—Bill Maher, The New New Rules: A Funny Look At How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

— Mary Schmich, "Advice, Like Youth, Probably Just Wasted on the Young", Chicago Tribune, June 1, 1997

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