Brittany very quickly became an Ensemble Dark Horse and Fountain of Memes because of her dancing and Non Sequitur One-Liner lines being the only things she said for the first run. These were mostly ad-libbed by actress Heather Morris, some suggested before and written in, others spontaneous products of being given blank space for funny lines, and some added without warning. Some were probably written by the writers, though. Here we've collected some of the best of Brittany's funny lines - including ones shared with other characters - but do note that the Comic Delivery is something that Morris has mastered but that may not translate to writing well. See also the quotes page for "A Wedding".
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Season 1
Quinn: Give me my test back.
Brittany: I just don't understand anything.
Quinn: That's not my problem.
"I find recipes confusing."
— Wheels
Will: Can anyone tell me what a ballad is?
Brittany: A male duck.
— Ballad
"I bet the duck's in the hat."
— Ballad
Will: Brittany, take it away!
Brittany: Take what away?
"It's like cool epilepsy."
"She's the one they made me talk to when they found out I was keeping birds in my locker."
Santana: Sex isn't dating.
Brittany: If it were, Santana and I would be dating.
(Beat)
Santana: We may still be Cheerios! but neither of us ever gave Sue the set list!
Brittany: Oh, well... I did. But I didn't know what she was going to do with it
Santana: This food is not satisfactory.
Brittany: There was a mouse in mine.
— Hell-O
"Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?"
— Hell-O
Brittany: You're a really good dancer.
Finn: But my feet weren't moving.
Brittany: That was the best part.
— Hell-O
Sue: Anything else?
Brittany: Sometimes I forget my middle name.
— Hell-O
Santana: She looked like Pippi Longstocking but, like, Israeli.
Brittany: Yeah, those sweaters make her look home-schooled.
Finn: Hey don't make fun of Rachel. I mean, she's kind of cool.
Brittany: Finn, that's mean.
— Hell-O
"Guess who I'm dating? Wes Brody, he's super cute. He plays football with my sister. (Beat) He's seven."
"When I pulled my hamstring I went to a misogynist."
(on Jesse) "Mr Schue, is he your son?"
"I sometimes add a teaspoon of sand."
— Home
"I've been here since first period. I had a cold and took all my antibiotics at the same time and now I can't remember how to leave."
"I don't know how to turn on a computer."
"...I also don't know how I only made fourth on the Glist. I've made out with like everyone at this school: girls, boys, Mr Kidney the janitor."
Artie: I'm getting cold feet about doing this.
Brittany: Can you even feel your feet?
"There are so many lyrics!"
"Kissing my armpits is a really big turn-on for me."
(to Kurt) "Let me know if you wanna tap this!"
Burt: (to Kurt) If things get serious, use protection.
Brittany: Does he mean like a burglar alarm?
(seeing Puck without a mohawk) "Who is that guy?!"
"Now I know what it's like to date a baby!"
"You look terrible. I look awesome."
Kurt: [Lady Gaga] changes her look faster than Brit changes sexual partners.
Brittany: It's true.
Artie:...[Sue's] gonna crush us!
Will: You don't know that.
Santana: Yes we do, she told us at Cheerios! practice.
Brittany: Yeah, she said "I'm going to crush the glee club."
(at the start of this year...)
Santana: I hated everyone.
Season 2
"People think I went on vacation but actually I spent all summer lost in the sewers."
— Audition
Finn: I'm with Rachel on this one.
Brittany: Gross.
— Audition
"Stop the violence."
— Audition
"Coach Beiste didn't touch my boobs. In fact I really want to touch her boobs."
— Audition
(petting JBI's hair) "It looks like a Jewish cloud!"
Will: Who can tell me about Christopher Cross?
Brittany: He discovered America!
Rachel: I get now that for this relationship to work I have to open up my hands to fly free.
Brittany: Finn can fly?
"I would just like to say that from now on I demand every solo in glee club."
"I'm more talented than all of you, I see that clearly now. (Beat) It's Brittany, bitch."
"Next week, I'm gonna be performing a musical number by Ke$ha."
Brittany: [I don't want to do Britney because] my name is also Britney Spears.
Mercedes: What the hell is she talking about?
Brittany: My middle name is Susan, my last name is Pierce. That makes me Brittany S. Pierce. Brittany S-pierce.
"This room looks like that room on the spaceship where I got probed."
(to Artie) "Did you get a leg transplant?"
Carl: I'm going to put you under general anaesthesia. You're not going to feel a thing.
Brittany: Like rufies?
"Please don't pull out all my teeth, I'll look like an adult baby. But with boobs."
Brittany: Can I have a blue toothbrush?
Carl: I'll give you a hundred toothbrushes.
Brittany: Are you a cat?
"I don't brush my teeth, I rinse out my mouth with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist."
"Whenever I pray I fall asleep."
"Is God an evil dwarf?"
(to Kurt) "I did a school report on heart attacks if you want to give it to the doctor. It got knocked down an entire letter grade because it was written in crayon."
"I gave [Burt and Kurt] a card that says heart attacks are just from loving too much."
Tina: Last week we were too sexy, this week we're too religious! We can't win!
Brittany: Now I know how Miley feels.
Will: What's a duet?
Brittany: A blanket!
— Duets
(to Artie) "I just wanna get you in a stroller."
— Duets
Artie: I thought I was over someone, but I still have feelings for them.
Brittany: The Clintons?
— Duets
(to Artie) "For a while I thought you were a robot."
— Duets
"[Puck] may be the dumbest person on Earth. And that's coming from me."
— Duets
Kurt: What are you going as for Halloween, Brit?
Brittany: A peanut allergy.
(to Artie) "I've been squeezing your leg for the past hour, are you not attracted to me?"
Will: I'm not throwing the baby out with the bathwater here!
Brittany: I've totally done that.
Brittany: I'm Mike Chang.
Holly: Those aren't your names. Wanna know how I know that?
Brittany: You're psychic!
Mini-Rachel: I for one think we should use our set list for Sectionals to explore the oeuvre of Bernadette Peters.
Mini-Brittany: Someday I'm gonna go to Paris and visit the oeuvre.
"Mr Schue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped after M and N. I felt they sounded too similar and got frustrated."
"[Tater tots] look like deep fried deer poop."
Tina: Are you and Artie officially dating now?
Brittany: Deal with it.
— Furt
(to Tina) "When you and Artie were fooling around. Did he ever just, lay there?"
— Furt
"I'm paralyzed with fear. I've been here since second period. I really need to pee."
Artie: Adultery means cheating.
Brittany: I thought it meant being stupid. Like being a dolt.
Artie: I found that comb on the floor. I was on my way to the trash when I found you.
Brittany: And you let me comb my hair with it?
"I'm more talented than all of you. Britney Spears taught me that."
"I know the cricket who reads to me at night is totally stealing my jewellery."
"If we lose, we should throw possums!"
"Remember, even the smallest envelope is heavy for an elf!"
"Can I be honest? I don't understand the difference between an elf and a slave."
"Get a good night's rest, Ken. You're gonna need it, Barbie took the early flight back from Tampa!"
Beiste: There was a girl... always asking Santa... to make her look more like the other girls... Later on... she put being husky to good use.
Brittany: Was her name Ricki Lake?
"I thought it was a Transformer."
Brittany: You've gotten really tan!
Black Santa: Er, at the North Pole there's a hole in the ozone!
Brittany: Oh.
"Last year I left my stocking up over Christmas vacation and an entire family of mice started living in it. Their Christmas gift to each other was rabies."
"I don't want to die yet, at least not until 'One Tree Hill' gets cancelled."
Quinn: I'm torn.
Santana: I'm not.
Brittany: I'm Brittany!
Sue: You are my three stars! Without you I have no performance!
Brittany: Sucks for you.
"Zombie camp was funner than I expected!"
"How many M's are in the letter 'R'?"
"The glee club with the football team - it's like a double rainbow! A zombie double rainbow!"
Will: (writes 'LOVE' on the board) I have one word for you- Yes, Brittany?
Brittany: (hand raised) Is it 'love'? Totally gonna graduate now!
"That's my man and his legs don't work!"
Will: Who can tell me what an Anthem is?
Brittany: It's the bottom of an ant's pants.
Will: So close. So close.
— Comeback
"I wore a tank top because I thought it was summer. No-one ever taught me how to read a calendar."
— Comeback
"Rachel, I'm gonna give you some tough love right now... When people look at you... they see a cat getting its temperature taken, and then they hear it screaming."
— Comeback
"You guys, I'm really nervous. Ke$ha's been a musical icon for weeks and I really want to do her music justice!"
Quinn: There's a fair amount of the pot calling the kettle black right now.
Brittany: (to Mercedes) That's so racist.
(wipes mouth after throwing up on Rachel) "Everybody drink responsibly"
Brittany: The key is to use the curling iron in the bathtub to keep you from getting burnt.
Lauren: No.
— Sexy
Brittany: I just find this relationship confusing.
Santana: Breakfast's confusing for you.
Brittany: Yeah, well, sometimes it's sweet and sometimes it's salty. Like what if I have eggs for dinner, what is it?
— Sexy
Will: Wait. Brittany, are you pregnant?
Brittany: Definitely. I am so sorry, Artie... I thought I could surprise you when it dropped him off. I'm pretty sure it's a boy.
Puck: Um, babies don't get dropped off.
Will: ...have you been to a doctor...?
Brittany: I don't need to go to a doctor, I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago, a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I'm not stupid: It's obviously getting ready to bring me my baby.
— Sexy
Santana: ...I'm angry because I have all these feelings, feelings for you, that I'm afraid of dealing with...
Brittany: I understand that.
Santana: Do you understand what I'm trying to say?
Brittany: No, not really.
— Sexy
(Santana and Brittany open their lockers that Sue has filled with dirt)
"I don't even remember putting that in there!"
Will: What's your favourite songs of all time?
Brittany: 'My Headband'.
Will: (later) And what are [your favorite songs] all about?
Brittany: Headbands.
"I love salt water!"
"I'm so sad. Like a sad little panda."
— Rumours
"I don't have a date. I'm just going to dance, then all your dates are going to ignore you and come dance with me. So your dates are really my dates."
"Poison darts?"
— Funeral
(to Jesse) "Would you like to come on 'Fondue for Two' and judge my cat?"
— Funeral
"I know I'm going to be a bridesmaid at Mike and Tina's wedding. And I know I'm going to be anxiously waiting just like everybody else to see if their babies are Asian, too."
— New York
Kurt: I feel like Eloise.
Brittany: I have pills for that.
— New York
Season 3
JBI: Brittany what are your plans for the future?
Brittany: Wait, you're working on a time machine too?
"I was sure that our Nationals trophy would grow over the summer."
"Quinn, we used to be the Three Musketeers. But now Santana and I are like Almond Joy and you're like a Jolly Rancher that fell in the ashtray."
Brittany: I have pepperoni in my bra.
Santana: Those are your nipples.
Mrs Hagberg: What's the capital of Ohio? Brittany?
Brittany: 'O'.
Mrs Hagberg: What? Do you even know who the President is?
Brittany: Will.I.Am?
(to Kurt) "The poster that you wanted gave me crippling depression."
(to Kurt) "When a pony does a good deed, he gets a horn and he becomes a unicorn and poops out candy until he forgets that he's magical and then his horn falls off. Black unicorns become zebras."
"I'm also a unicorn. Maybe a bi-corn."
Rachel: I'm sorry, Brittany, but I've already pledged my allegiance to Kurt.
Brittany: Oh, so you're cool with flushing McKinley High's future down the magical poop-stealing water chair?
— Asian F
Santana: I want to talk to you about, you know, that thing we never talk about.
Brittany: That Sour Patch Kids are gummy bears that turn to drugs?
Santana: Is this a date?
Brittany: Wait, isn't this a date? Aren't you paying? I ordered shrimp!
"Lord Tubbington's poops are crispy and delicious."
"Why couldn't [Santana] have wished for Lord Tubbington to stop smoking?"
Finn: Is it true?
Brittany: No, of course not.
Finn: So you're not leaving New Directions?
Brittany: Oh, I thought you were talking about the Selena Gomez pregnancy rumors.
(to Finn) "You cannot call your future president an idiot! It's mean, and it's bullying, and I won't accept it."
"I lost my virginity at cheerleading camp. He just climbed into my tent: alien invasion."
"A vote for Brittany is a vote for root beer water fountains and robot teachers!"
— Mash Off
"Tornadoes are nature's most destructive force... Isn't it time we take a stand? If you honor me with being your next class president, I will make tornadoes illegal at McKinley, keeping you and your families at our school safe from their murderous rampages. Also, on Tuesdays I pledge to go topless."
— Mash Off
Shelby: Can anyone think of a name for our group?
Santana: Easy: Hot Bitches or Hot Messes.
Brittany: Free Beer.
— Mash Off
"Is this what having a stroke feels like? Because I like it"
— Mash Off
"I love Adele, she sounds like what banana cream pie sounds like when it sings."
— Mash Off
Santana: Brittany, lock the doors.
Brittany: I don't know how to do that.
— Michael
"I'm bilingual."
Puck: Man, those Golden Goblets were a lot better than I thought.
Brittany: Are you high? I couldn't even hear their instruments.
"I want Lord Tubbington to kick his ecstasy addiction."
Puck: It's Senior ditch day, not senior citizens' ditch day.
Brittany: It's springtime, I'd like to see something give birth.
"Did someone steal our floor?"
"Quinn, you're still dancing in my dreams. And you can fly and breath fire."
Blaine: This song for anyone who's ever been cheated on.
Kurt: This is insane! I didn't cheat on you!
Brittany: Cheetahs have the fastest land speed of any living animal.
Figgins: You have accomplished nothing except one memorandum written in crayon that says "Drill, baby, drill!"
Brittany: Yeah, I no longer believe we should be drilling for babies.
Brittany: I've already been accepted to Purdue.
Figgins: The University?!
Brittany: No, the chicken factory.
Brittany: All hair gel has been banned from the prom.
Blaine: Ha, right.
Brittany: I'm actually not joking. Hair gel wasn't invented until nearly 30 million years after the Paleolithic Stone Age and, frankly, I don't like the way you look.
"Castles are very heavy, so putting them on clouds would be extremely dangerous. I seriously think the three of you should be put in jail."
"You're all fired. I'm sorry, Rachelnote , that includes you. See you in glee club."
"I was inspired by the new girl Joe, who reminds me of a cavewoman."
"Don't make fun of the new kid with the bad 'fro."
"You're Mr Broccoli Head!... to help save the prom and to keep people from turning to stone when they look at you, I'll give you special permission."
(as Mercedes) "Mmm, praise!''
— Props
(Mercedes as Brittany) "I have to bail Lord Tubbington out of jail. He tried to sell my iPhone for drugs."
— Props
"I'm not totally gay, but I think that trees are born the same way as babies so kicking me out would be kind of mean."
— Props
"Metal sparks in your face is how you get freckles."
— Props
Mercedes: (to Beiste) I saw you at the 7pm showing of '21 Jump Street' with Cooter.
Brittany: Cooter was in '21 Jump Street'? I didn't know he was an actor!
— Props
"Plus my blanket and pillow fell into the pool. Disaster!"
"We can use the waste basket for the toilet. And then we can eat Joe for food since she's been here the shortest so we know her the least."
— Goodbye
Season 4
(to Unique) "That's a great haircut, Mercedes, I thought you graduated!"
"[Santana's] good... it's hard to make out over Skype. You can't really scissor a webcam."
Tina: Being popular felt too good, we forgot ourselves.
Brittany: Well I didn't. I was always popular, but I do forget to wear underwear sometimes.
Blaine: You can't just decide not to sing anymore. We all need your voice.
Brittany: I had a song in my heart, Blaine Warbler, and you killed it. Now I have a dead song in my heart and pretty soon the corpse of my dead heartsong is going to start to smell.
(about Millie) "Maybe she has a medical condition. Or swallowed someone with a medical condition."
Brittany: (to the camera) My name is Brittany S. Pierce and I finally know how Jesus feels in his house way up at the North Pole because I am on top of the world. Senior year was awesome and now I get to relive every minute of it. I'm Head Cheerio, Vice Rachel of the glee club and now I'm planning a Middle East-style sham election that will install me as senior class president for life.
Blaine: Brittany, who are you talking to?
Brittany: I thought I was doing a voiceover.
"Tough love feels a lot like mean."
Sue: My girls no longer see academic achievement as a worthy goal and yesterday I caught one of them trying to marry a squirrel.
Brittany: That's because I believe in marriage equality.
(to Lord Tubbington) "I'm not talking to you. I know you joined a gang."
"I started taking Lord Tubbington's pills for feline depression."
"Sorry I'm late. Somebody took my compass."
"I got a C- on my US History exam, which the teacher bumped up two whole letter grades because I wrote in English instead of my secret language I invented in Middle School.
"My voice is too weak to sing live. I've been up every night this week yelling at the shrubs in my yard that have been making fun of me."
"My voiceover is continuing down the hallway."
Artie: You and I dated.
Brittany: We did?!
— Makeover
Artie: I could be the Cheney to your Bush.
Brittany: I'd rather be a landing strip.
— Makeover
"Look at Sarah Palin, her grandpa asked her to be his running mate and now they aren't even speaking."
— Makeover
Artie: What's your favorite color?
Brittany: Filipino.
— Makeover
"First I'd like to know if anyone can prove Blaine was actually born in this country."
— Makeover
Santana: Are you okay?
Brittany: (yawning) Yeah. I was up late last night reading 'Desecration: Antichrist Takes The Throne'. It's the ninth book in the Left Behind Series of the apocolyptic Christian novels about the end times and the antichrist, whose name is Nicolae Carpathia. Or Barack Obama, depending on who you ask.
Will: Guys, listen up, I have an announcement to make!
Brittany: Adele's dead?
— Glease
(on her costume) "I love it so much. I promise I won't pee in it!"
— Glease
"I don't smell raspberry hairgel, does anyone know where Blaine Warbler is?"
"Tina, acting is a pipe dream for you and your decision to pursue it as a career is both irresponsible and shocking."
Brittany: My name is Brittany.
Marley: I... know?
Brittany: Okay, I was just making sure. We've never actually had a conversation before - this is exciting!
"Don't eat the snowflakes. They're fake and the glitter sticks to the roof of your mouth."
"If you would've told me that Lord Tubbington was secretly a slumlord I would've believed you." (to Lord Tubbington) "None of your high-rises are up to code. Those families are living in squalor and they deserve better."
— Naked
(on Tina) "She never wins anything!"
— DIVA
(to Kitty) "You go to the church of Satan because you're really mean... your face looks like a soccer ball."
"We both know blondes are born with magical powers, like doing the splits or turning Swedish."
Jake: We do Whitney Houston songs, Britney Spears songs, and neither of them are any sort of role model.
Brittany: You shut your mouth!
"Shut up, Tina."
"Hide your wife, hide your kids, hide your wife."
"I have recently discovered that the Tubbington-Bopp is not an asteroid. It is a dead ladybug at the end of my telescope. And I have also discovered that my telescope is not a telescope. It is a Pringles can. Hallelujah, we're saved."
"[MIT] really wants me to study String Theory but I'm not that into Arts & Crafts."
Will: This year's theme for Regionals is-
Brittany: Sweaters!
Will: Dreams.
Brittany: Close.
"Let me break it down: No one in this musty choir room compares to my megawatt star power. Blaine, you're shorter than your average lawn gnome. Joe, you look like a Yucatan spider monkey. Tina is... you're just Tina."
(to Will) "Do you want to have kids or just continue having weirdly intimate relationships with high school students?"
(on Will and Sue) "Tonight's guests are two sworn enemies who became friends then became enemies again, then became friends again, then enemies, and then everybody stopped caring."
"Lord Tubbington is a stickler for continuity in editorial."
Seasons 5 & 6
Season 5
"I'm Brittany S. Pierce and 'Fondue for Two' has been on a hiatus because, as it turns out, I'm a genius."
— 100
Scientist: Miss Pierce, what is 5,752,000,000 divided by 958,715,548?
Brittany: I don't know; 6?
— 100
(to Santana) "[Lilies] are the lesbian of flowers."
"Wait, do [math monkeys] really exist?"
Season 6
Rachel: [These people] would never make fun of me.
Brittany: Mmm. Not to her face, no way.
Brittany: (to Kitty) I know your name, it's Quinn.
Quinn: I'm Quinn.
Brittany: Liar.
(to Kurt) "Don't let waiting for things to maybe work out with Blaine turn you into the guy who looks like somebody just pooped in their hand."
Blaine: (after Brittany decorates his and Karofsky's apartment) Where's the bed?
Brittany: I had it removed because when I imagined you two having sex I imagined a U-haul mounting a moped.
(to Santana) "Do you want my autograph? I think you do."
"Queso por Dos! Yay!"
(to Abuela) "We have a very active sex life. I once popped a hip."
Santana: Last I heard [from Abuela] she was on Facebook posting about her diverticulitis trolling for sympathy.
Brittany: See, it's even more important, she's sick!
Santana: No, Brit, she can't poop and I don't think that's going to kill her.
Brittany: Tell that to Fat Elvis.
"Hey, guys, do you mind if I ritualistically slaughter this chicken?"
Brittany: This is your lucky day, sir.
Santana: Put it down. Ridiculous.
"And Rachel and Kurt can sit together because they're both annoying."
Glee Live Tours
"One day I will make Kurt Hummel mine, you can count on that. Even though I can't count."
— 2010
"See these guys back there? They're call stage hands. I've made out with every single one of them."
— 2010
"You look like a boy peacock who likes other boy peacocks."
— 2010
"I hope they have an overwhelming sensation about my boobs in 'Slave'. Because they are 3D and they look really good."
— Glee: The 3D Concert Movie
"I wanna be a Warbler really bad. And I would potentially shave my hair off so I can join."
— 2011
Brittany: (to Blaine) Do you wanna make out?
Kurt: Brittany! Are you flirting with my man?
— 2011
"I can finally stop walking through the drive-thru window!"
— 2011 Chevrolet Commercials
I think my cat's been reading my diary
