Quotes / Former Child Star

Film — Live-Action

Trudi: That sounds like a really sad book. I'm practically crying and I haven't even read it.
Rick: 'Bout fifteen years, you'll be living it.

—Once Upon a Time in Hollywood

Live-Action TV

I want to be a desperate Hollywood has-been
A classic "Where are they now?"
I'll try to clean up my act
And get my agent back
And salvage my reputation somehow

I'll do a lot of community service
And apologize to Meryl Streep
I want to be that former child star
That you see in bars
And say, "Hey, there's that bloated, bankrupt creep!"

"I Wanna Be a Child Star", Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Music

If you buy your mom a house when you're thirteen, you're gonna be fucked up mentally you know?

—"Ode to Justin Bieber", Hobo Johnson

Video Games

"As you know, actors are a shallow and insecure lot, often uncomfortable with their sexuality. But what's worse are child actors-especially when they get together. Jimmy from the canceled sitcom "Just the Five of Us" was dragged out by poli-"

—Richard Burns, GTA Radio (Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas)

Web Original

Well, it’s good to know that Dustin Diamond Cubic Zirconia is still the biggest yeast infection bump of the Saved by the Bell cast, and that’s saying a lot since Mario Lopez was in that cast.

—Michael K., "In Case You Were Wondering, Yes, Screech Is Still A Mess"

The odds were already stacked against him when he was a kid from a broken home being raised by relatives. But then Hollywood came along and made everything a thousand times worse. Suddenly, everyone wanted a piece of Furlong. Or at least control of his money. People who should have been looking out for his best interests were squabbling over him. And no one was protecting him when a grown woman 16 years older than him began a sexual relationship with a minor. Jacqueline Domac was never charged with any crimes, but by her own admission she was romantically involved with an underage boy. At a formative age, she isolated Furlong from his family and took control of his career and his finances.

—LeBeau, "What the Hell Happened to Edward Furlong?"

Lindsay Lohan was on Letterman this week, and the resulting interview was every bit as awkward and horrible as you would imagine. There's Dave asking Lindsay about rehab, while Lindsay sits there dumbfounded, shocked that anyone would ask her about rehab when her whole fucking LIFE is a failed rehab project.

—Drew Magary, Make It Stop

David: What happened to Pete Ross? Wasn’t he in this show?
Chris: He graduated to the world of celebrity sex tapes.
David: For a second, I thought you were serious.
Chris: I am.
David: …oh, wow, I missed that and instead focused on the part of Sam Jones III’s Wikipedia page where it says he “was taken into custody by Drug Enforcement Administration." I mean, damn. That explains why he hasn’t been in Smallville recently.

—Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on Smallville ("Homecoming")

When you're a just-legal megastar raising hell and being a brat, people will still give you a chance. They'll blame the money and the fame and probably your parents. But once you lose the baby fat, there are no viable excuses. You are officially just a little shit ...Also, he dresses like a blind magician.

—Drew Magary on Justin Bieber

Kudos to Bieber — a Grammy-nominated singer with an army of fans (over 50 million followers on Twitter) and a net worth of $130 million — for really living up to his reputation as the King Joffrey of Pop.

—Jezebel

He speeds, he eggs people's houses, he gives the most arrogant and cocky deposition in the history of the legal profession, and apparently he recently got cussed out by someone's dad at Walmart for trashing the place. He trashed a Walmart and got told off by a middle-aged man. He's the villain from a 1980s teen dramedy.

—Cracked, "4 Celebrities Who Are Clearly Trolling the World"

Western Animation

Lisa: Who played your daughter in the short-lived sitcom President Clown?
Krusty: I don't know her name, but she held up a liquor store last year.

— The Simpsons

"Yes! The former child star whose feet grew when he hit puberty while the rest of his body stayed small and scrawny. The Gilded Arches was trying to destroy any theater that no longer showed his movies."

—Daran Norris narrating the fourth webtoon of The Fairly Oddparents

"You know, it's amazing that it's legal for kids to be actors. How is that not child labor? I didn't know what I was signing up for. I was three."

— Sarah Lynn, Bojack Horseman

Real Life

Many years later, after he had become a star and been successful as one of the "Dead End Kids" in films, he wrote in his autobiography that had he followed his original inclination, he would have made more money and kept it because he would have had fewer wives and been much happier as a plumber. Forgive me, "Spit," wherever you are.

— Sidney Kingsley, recalling Leo Gorcey in Dead End

I tend to think that what fame has done is to replace the sea as the element of choice of adventure for young people. If you were a dashing young man in the 19th century you would probably have wanted to run away to sea, just as in the 20th century you might decide that you want to run away and form a pop band. The difference is that in the 19th century, before running away to sea, you would have had at least some understanding of the element that you were dealing with and would have perhaps, say, learned to swim.

— Alan Moore

People who meet me as an adult are often surprised that I'm alive and have never been in prison or rehab.

—Mara Wilson, 7 Reasons Child Stars Go Crazy (An Insider's Perspective)

Screech is a perfect example of the quirky sitcom kid; often cast purely for the comic disparity of a funny-looking child who can pull faces but deliver old-soul zingers. Usually swept offscreen once the first pube sprouts, they can later be found on Where Are They Now? lists looking like something that hands out quests on World of Warcraft, and on SBTB, the curse of having your awkward transition phrase play out in real time, in millions of living rooms, was Diamond's alone to bear.

—Stuart Millard, So Excited, So Scared: The Saved by the Bell Retrospective

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