"I hope you sit on a tack! I hope the next time you get a double-decker strawberry ice-cream cone, the ice cream part falls off the cone part and lands in Australia!"
Calvin: What if somebody calls us a "pair o' pathetic peripatetics"?!
Hobbes: I've never heard of anybody taking the trouble to rhyme weird insults.
Calvin: But shouldn't we have a ready retort?
Hobbes: I've never heard of anybody taking the trouble to rhyme weird insults.
Calvin: But shouldn't we have a ready retort?
"Minority leader, and septuagenarian ninja turtle, Mitch McConnell."
— Stephen Colbert numerous times, The Colbert Report
"Nikolas Cruz, 'Coldsteel' Cruz, 'El Goblino de la Educación Especial'."
— Mister Metokur in "Coldsteel Cruz: My Name Is Not Important"
, making fun of the killer in the 2018 Stoneman Douglas shooting.
, making fun of the killer in the 2018 Stoneman Douglas shooting."You're like the AT&T of people!"
— Troy Barnes to Britta Perry, Community
Steve Burnside: You see? This thing is a lot more reliable than any person.
Charriii5: Yeah, and who let you out when you stole the Lugers, you dipshit? Who gave you THESE, you human e-mail chain? Who helped you get the ammo for them, you BTS reject? You know how many motherfuckers are in that band? SEVEN of 'em! And they don't even NEED the other 3, and you all know who I'm talking about.
Charriii5
: Yeah, and who let you out when you stole the Lugers, you dipshit? Who gave you THESE, you human e-mail chain? Who helped you get the ammo for them, you BTS reject? You know how many motherfuckers are in that band? SEVEN of 'em! And they don't even NEED the other 3, and you all know who I'm talking about."Let's be real here. Absolutely no one would want to cuddle with an avatar that looks like a castrated Pinocchio made out of marshmallows soaked in soy."
Philip Banks: You know, Geoffrey, I do believe that of all the Holidays, Thanksgiving is my favorite. Oh, the yams, the cranberry sauce, the pie, and of course, that big ol' butterball (the turkey).
Geoffrey: Well, you are what you eat.
Philip Banks: Heh heh heh. That- Did you just call me a big ol' butterball?
Geoffrey: Nothing gets past you, sir.
Philip Banks: Ha ha ha. You know, Geoffrey, if you're gonna comment on my girth, you could at least put some thought into it.
Geoffrey: ...I beg your pardon, sir?
Philip Banks: Well I mean there are just so many more interesting ways to say it. I mean, you could be poetic: 'His corpulent flesh rolls around his bones, like a thick chocolate pudding!'
(Geoffrey grins nervously)
Philip Banks: Or scientific! 'He is so huge, that food comes to him from the gravitational pull alone!' Aha, ha ha ha ha! Or, you could be quizzical! 'Is that your head, or is your neck blowing a bubble?'
(Geoffrey is backing away from Philip and nearly trips over a chair)
Philip Banks: You could be ribald, ironic, vaudevillian, whatever! But be creative! You got that?
Geoffrey: ...Anything you say, sir...
Geoffrey: Well, you are what you eat.
Philip Banks: Heh heh heh. That- Did you just call me a big ol' butterball?
Geoffrey: Nothing gets past you, sir.
Philip Banks: Ha ha ha. You know, Geoffrey, if you're gonna comment on my girth, you could at least put some thought into it.
Geoffrey: ...I beg your pardon, sir?
Philip Banks: Well I mean there are just so many more interesting ways to say it. I mean, you could be poetic: 'His corpulent flesh rolls around his bones, like a thick chocolate pudding!'
(Geoffrey grins nervously)
Philip Banks: Or scientific! 'He is so huge, that food comes to him from the gravitational pull alone!' Aha, ha ha ha ha! Or, you could be quizzical! 'Is that your head, or is your neck blowing a bubble?'
(Geoffrey is backing away from Philip and nearly trips over a chair)
Philip Banks: You could be ribald, ironic, vaudevillian, whatever! But be creative! You got that?
Geoffrey: ...Anything you say, sir...
CG: THAT AROMA YOU DETECT WAFTS FROM THE BOUQUET PERCHED ON YOUR CORPSE BOX. NOBODY CRIES, EXCEPT YOUR SHITTY GHOST. HEAVY SOBS FROM A SPECTER OF UNQUALIFIED FAILURE. IT IS A SYMPHONY TO MY ANGRY EARS.
CG: […] I'M ONLY GETTING STARTED.
CG: […] I'M ONLY GETTING STARTED.
— Karkat Vantas, Homestuck, "John: Answer the one who hates you."
""You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile, Mr. Grinch!"
Thousand Sons Rubric Marine: Master, was your visit to the Black Library successful?
Azekh Ahriman: No it wasn't, you useless rotten pile of disgraceful, warp-infested pubic hair!
Azekh Ahriman: No it wasn't, you useless rotten pile of disgraceful, warp-infested pubic hair!
"It's like watching a small clan of outback hillibillies sticking to their own company and inbreeding, each subsequent generation uglier and stupider than the last, drooling at the world and no longer able to function in society at all.
One can but hope that they'd ultimately become incapable of reproducing, and would finally die out. Instead of, you know, descending to civilized society like a mentally-stunted laughing mutant horde in the search for breeding-slaves."
One can but hope that they'd ultimately become incapable of reproducing, and would finally die out. Instead of, you know, descending to civilized society like a mentally-stunted laughing mutant horde in the search for breeding-slaves."
B'Elanna sculled the rest of her bloodwine and hurled the mug at the nearest replicator, fusing it out in a blaze of sparks. "Of course I'm insulting you, you foul-smelling forshak! Do you think I'm some brainless Bolian who can't even curse well; a timid Trill twitching beneath her spots? May the fetid stench of your breath become a Ferengi aphrodisiac, your bedchamber be infested with Cardassian voles on your wedding night, and your grandsons receive honorary degrees in landscape gardening!"
— The Mate of the KuvaH'magh SoS
"I don't want to talk to you no more, you sons of a silly person! Go and boil your bottom, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."
— French Soldier, Monty Python and the Holy Grail
"You appear with the tedious inevitability of an unloved season."
— Hugo Drax, Moonraker
"I am going to shove the sunshine so far up up where the sun don't shine that you will vomit nothing but warm summer days!!"
— Belkar after being bested by a vampire, The Order of the Stick
"Feel free to slowly mull it over while you roast over the flames of hell, you evil red pepper!"
— Nahyuta Sahdmadhi to Apollo Justice, Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney – Spirit of Justice, Case 6-2: "The Magical Turnabout"
"You babies are so dumb, I'm surprised you know which end of the bottle to suck."
— Angelica Pickles, Rugrats
"Whaddaya think of that, Mr. Pajama Wearin' Basket Face Slipper Wieldin' Clype-Dreep-Bachle Gether-Uping-Blate-Maw, Bleathering Gomreil Jessie Oaf-Lookin' Scooner, Nyaff Plookie Shan Milk-Drinkin' Soy-Faced Shilpit, Mim-Moothed Snivelin' Worm-Eyed Hotten-Blaugh Vile-Stoochie Cally-Breek-Tattie?"
— The Scotsman, Samurai Jack
"You are the human equivalent of a participation award."
— One of the insults of the "The Reason You Suck" Speech of "send this to someone who told you spoilers"
Spensa: Always attack from a position of superior advantage! When this is done, Jerkface, I will hold your tarnished and melted pin up as my trophy as your smoldering ship marks your pyre, and the final resting place of your crushed and broken corpse!
(beat)
Jorgen: All right... Well, that was... descriptive.
(beat)
Jorgen: All right... Well, that was... descriptive.
— Skyward
Boy, instruct this "new money" harlot that I don't speak to its kind unless I've someone whom I'm hoping to impress with my ability to train common street trash to sit up and use its opposable thumbs.
How dare you, Ollie! I swore to my brother on his deathbed that I would raise you to be a man and this is how I am repaid?
You bring this beast before me, wishing to cross your fine Pompey genes with this venereal error? Why don't you breed with a horse, boy? At least the mistakes from that union could be used for glue.
It's all fine and well to bed with a woman, if you must. Even the ancient Greeks understood the total imperfection of the female vessel had a use. And if that's the case, all you had to do was ask. I've a few bold inkwells even I dip my quill in now and again, and I've always said all I have is yours as well.
But no! Instead you troll the sewers for this common gutterslut, stinking of lower class sex and common labor and bring her before me? For approval?
Approval for what? Dear child, I could not approve of even using her rotted brains as fertilizer for fear of the stupidity that would be poisoned into the flowers and grass! No, I do not approve of this trollop!
How dare you, Ollie! I swore to my brother on his deathbed that I would raise you to be a man and this is how I am repaid?
You bring this beast before me, wishing to cross your fine Pompey genes with this venereal error? Why don't you breed with a horse, boy? At least the mistakes from that union could be used for glue.
It's all fine and well to bed with a woman, if you must. Even the ancient Greeks understood the total imperfection of the female vessel had a use. And if that's the case, all you had to do was ask. I've a few bold inkwells even I dip my quill in now and again, and I've always said all I have is yours as well.
But no! Instead you troll the sewers for this common gutterslut, stinking of lower class sex and common labor and bring her before me? For approval?
Approval for what? Dear child, I could not approve of even using her rotted brains as fertilizer for fear of the stupidity that would be poisoned into the flowers and grass! No, I do not approve of this trollop!
Date: 05/27/01 09:00:16 AM
Name: A J/Cer replies
Subject: Re: AHAHAHAH!!! etc.
May you step on your tongue while working with Seven in a very small Jeffries tube. May you run out of coffee in the midst of fighting ten Borg cubes. May aliens drill red-hot needles into your head. May you be thrown 70,000 light years away from your loved ones and suffer seven years unresolved sexual tension with only coffee and holograms to comfort you. May those holograms have all the personality of the Doctor. May your lover's implants be of the assimilating kind. May your warp core go off-line as you are about to dive into your girlfriend's (worm)hole. May you be portrayed as a stereotypical Evil Alien of the Week. May you be forced to carry a large compression phaser rifle in order to prove your virility. May Seven of Nine look down at your groin and say, "You are weak, insignificant, SMALL. You lack greatness." May you only obtain orgasm by being beaten up by a half-Klingon. May you eject your plasma before you are ready. May your replicators only produce lukewarm coffee. May a beautiful Borg come to your room in the middle of the night only to discuss the nature of humanity. May your holographic lover go off-line at a crucial moment. May you be stuck on a phone line with a bureaucrat who only speaks technobabble. May an alien stick its' tongue in your ear and out the other side. May your other half divorce you Klingon style. May an individual you hate declare themselves the Son of K'vok and bite you. May you be as successful with women as Harry Kim. May your DNA be bonded with an annoying Talaxian cook who only eats leola roots. May your hairstyle and personality change every week to suit the story. May you suffer the pon farr in the middle of a gay mardi gras. May various portruding parts of your anatomy get stuck in Seven of Nine's Borg implants. May contact with a radioactive Malon freighter make your lower regions glow in the dark. In short PPPPPPPPPPPPPBBBBBBBBBBTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! to you!
Name: A J/Cer replies
Subject: Re: AHAHAHAH!!! etc.
May you step on your tongue while working with Seven in a very small Jeffries tube. May you run out of coffee in the midst of fighting ten Borg cubes. May aliens drill red-hot needles into your head. May you be thrown 70,000 light years away from your loved ones and suffer seven years unresolved sexual tension with only coffee and holograms to comfort you. May those holograms have all the personality of the Doctor. May your lover's implants be of the assimilating kind. May your warp core go off-line as you are about to dive into your girlfriend's (worm)hole. May you be portrayed as a stereotypical Evil Alien of the Week. May you be forced to carry a large compression phaser rifle in order to prove your virility. May Seven of Nine look down at your groin and say, "You are weak, insignificant, SMALL. You lack greatness." May you only obtain orgasm by being beaten up by a half-Klingon. May you eject your plasma before you are ready. May your replicators only produce lukewarm coffee. May a beautiful Borg come to your room in the middle of the night only to discuss the nature of humanity. May your holographic lover go off-line at a crucial moment. May you be stuck on a phone line with a bureaucrat who only speaks technobabble. May an alien stick its' tongue in your ear and out the other side. May your other half divorce you Klingon style. May an individual you hate declare themselves the Son of K'vok and bite you. May you be as successful with women as Harry Kim. May your DNA be bonded with an annoying Talaxian cook who only eats leola roots. May your hairstyle and personality change every week to suit the story. May you suffer the pon farr in the middle of a gay mardi gras. May various portruding parts of your anatomy get stuck in Seven of Nine's Borg implants. May contact with a radioactive Malon freighter make your lower regions glow in the dark. In short PPPPPPPPPPPPPBBBBBBBBBBTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! to you!
— TrekBBS's response to Evil Gloating on the C/7 in Star Trek: Voyager, "Endgame"
"You clinking, clanking, clattering collection of caligenous junk!"
— The Wizard, The Wizard of Oz
"Face me if you dare, stunted whelp, or do you lack even an Elven maid's courage? I thought the Sons of Grungni were great warriors, but perhaps you are no true Dwarf. Indeed, maybe you are instead some breed of bearded goblin, though in truth, I have seen a finer beard on a Troll's back-side."
— Wulfrik the Wanderer, Chaos Champion of Norsca, to the Dwarf King Thurbad Stonebeard (in perfect Khazalid)
"Zaporozhian Cossacks to the Turkish Sultan! O sultan, Turkish devil and damned devil's kith and kin, secretary to Lucifer himself. What the devil kind of knight are thou, that canst not slay a hedgehog with your naked arse? The devil shits, and your army eats. Thou shalt not, thou son of a whore, make subjects of Christian sons. We have no fear of your army; by land and by sea we will battle with thee. Fuck thy mother. Thou Babylonian scullion, Macedonian wheelwright, brewer of Jerusalem, goat-fucker of Alexandria, swineherd of Greater and Lesser Egypt, pig of Armenia, Podolian thief, catamite of Tartary, hangman of Kamyanets, and fool of all the world and underworld, an idiot before God, grandson of the Serpent, and the crick in our dick. Pig's snout, mare's arse, slaughterhouse cur, unchristened brow. Screw thine own mother! So the Zaporozhians declare, you lowlife. You won't even be herding pigs for the Christians. Now we'll conclude, for we don't know the date and don't own a calendar; the moon's in the sky, the year with the Lord. The day's the same over here as it is over there; for this kiss our arse!"
— The reply of the Zaporozhian Cossacks
