Quotes / Chewbacca Defense

If you can't convince them, try to confound them.

— Spanish proverb

The amount of energy needed to refute bullshit is an order of magnitude bigger than to produce it.

— Brandolini's Law.

If the evidence is on your side, pound on the evidence. If the law is on your side, pound on the law. If neither is on your side, pound on the table.

—Traditional lawyers' joke

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Fan Works

Chewbacca Defense Used in Greedo Shooting Trial

— Headline from Plan 7 of 9 from Outer Space

Film — Live-Action

"If you argue correctly, you're never wrong."

—Joey Naylor, Thank You for Smoking

Newspaper Comics

"If you can’t win by reason, go for volume."

—Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

Theatre

Give 'em the old razzle dazzle, razzle dazzle 'em
Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it
And the reaction will be passionate
Give 'em the old hocus pocus, bead and feather 'em
How can they see with sequins in their eyes?

— Billy Flynn, Chicago

Video Games

"That's just a way to shut them up. It's not proving that you're right in any way."

— Prinny Commentary, Disgaea

"My CLIENT... Says he is innocent of this crime... BUT! He is guilty of saying you suck eggs. ... Your wife's eggs."

— Harvey Alibastor, LISA

You know, I'm going to agree with you just so I don't have to keep talking.

— Linhardt von Hevring, Fire Emblem: Three Houses

Visual Novels

"Wow, you're good at this. Like, that was so full of holes I don't even know how to begin arguing. And something tells me if I try, I'll just end sinking my own battleship."

— "Judge" Chachamaru, Full Metal Daemon Muramasa

Webcomics

Sure, the prosecution has presented a lot of 'evidence' that my client killed her husband. But, if she were really guilty, wouldn't she not want to get caught? If she didn't want to get caught, why would she leave any evidence? Their own argument defeats itself!

— Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal [1]

Web Original

It’s like writing an article about Apocalypse Now where you routinely reference the dance numbers, just to see who is dumb enough to keep nodding along.

—Amanda Marcotte on Ann Coulter

I’m surprised they didn’t say, 'No, Tracy's limo ran into OUR truck. It ran into OUR truck ten times!' But I’m sure they’ll settle, and then the evil minions of Lucifer who run Walmart will roll-forward prices a little bit, because it’s not like that settlement money is going to come out of their year-end bonuses.

—Michael K. on Tracy Morgan's car crash

Don't forget, infidelity is what they sent Nelson Mandela to prison for too (and if you don’t know that, you’ve been reading The Man’s history books). The only visitors William X has received are his attorneys, and that’s just what he wants. Not even Camille has visited him there, though he does talk to her on the phone 3-times a day “for a total of about nine minutes”. She’s probably performing phone sex for him by pretending to snore.

—DListed, "Bill Cosby compares himself to the likes of Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, and Malcolm X"

They'll try to disprove your points with all the obsession and specificity of someone proving Green Lantern could totally beat Superman...They write like Vulcans cheating at Scrabble.

—Luke McKinney on Men's Rights Activists, Cracked

The book, a 200-page collection of implausible family secrets strung together incoherently, sounds as if it were dictated under hypnosis by one of those crooked therapists — you know, the ones who take in a patient with mild stress issues and end up convincing them their parents forced them into satanic rituals as a child.

—Wrestlecrap on Under the Mat, "The name on the cover says, 'Kirstie McLellan' but I could swear they paid Grampa Simpson to write her book."

"Yes, he knocked his fianceé out, but he's not the kind of guy I think of when I think of people who knock women out, so he really only half knocked her out." Who cares what you think? Again, you're the PR guy. You're paid to like everyone. You're a Pete Hammond film review in human form. "Ray Rice is a slambang action thriller! Best time at the elevator you'll have all summer!"

—Drew Magary on the Baltimore Ravens Vice-President of Public Relations

Cuba Gooding Jr.’s lawyer is making what sounds like, on its face, an odd argument in his sexual assault case — claiming women with small breasts tend to be delusional.

—TMZ'

Web Video

"So one day, the meter reader comes by your house — uninvited — and gets himself a big surprise. 'Fluffy' or 'Princess' mauls the guy up pretty good. You're facing 3-to-5 in an orange jumpsuit.
Oh no you aren't! Better Call Saul™!
Remember this key phrase: That's not my tiger. Together we'll prove the ancient truth: that the best defense is a good offense. Where'd the tiger come from? The zoo! And you can bet we're gonna sue the bars off of them. What were you doing buying 80 lbs. of raw meat every week? Ever hear of the Atkin's Diet?"

— Saul Goodman testimonial

Western Animation

"You are confused, so I am the winner. Ho ho ho!"

— Dad, The Brak Show!

"Winning isn't about being the best. It's about being so incredibly bad that no one can ignore you!"

— Gazpacho, Chowder

Real Life

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."

—W.C. Fields

I don't want a competent lawyer. I want a lawyer who's going to get me off. I want a lawyer who will invent the Twinkie Defense... I would not consider the Twinkie Defense an invention of a competent lawyer... but I want a lawyer who's going to win for me.

— Antonin Scalia in United States v. Gonzalez-Lopez

No matter what Carter said, Reagan would respond by shaking his head in a sorrowful manner and saying: "There you go again." This was brilliant, because (a) it required the candidate to remember only four words, and (b) he delivered them so believably that everything Carter said seemed like a lie. If Carter had stated that the Earth was round, Reagan would have shaken his head, saying, "There you go again," and millions of voters would have said: "Yeah! What does Carter think we are? Stupid?"

—Dave Barry

I only saw him once up close, which happened to be when he got a question he didn't like. Was it true that his staff in the 1980 debates had stolen President Carter's briefing book? (They had.) The famously genial grin turned into a rictus of senile fury: I was looking at a cruel and stupid lizard. His reply was that maybe his staff had, and maybe they hadn't, but what about the leak of the Pentagon Papers? Thus, a secret theft of presidential documents was equated with the public disclosure of needful information.

—Christopher Hitchens on Ronald Reagan

"If at times during this trial there was evidence that was confusing to you, it is the fault of the evidence, and not your own faults. ...There was a lot of debate about a lot of things that may or may not have made any sense to you. If they didn't make sense, you are entitled to assume that's because they were nonsense...."

— Alice Vachss, Sex Crimes

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