Otto: Indeed! They're soliciting bids to modernize their security grid; figured I'd try my hand. Lucrative contract, and a satisfyingly difficult nut to crack!
Wade: Well, I don't like the sound of that at all! How does like the most supermax prison that exists not modernize?! Why is that the supermax prison, if it's not already modernized?! What?! Excuse me?! "Oh, we only put the most dangerous criminals in that facility we built back in the 1800s! It's made of cardboard, it's bound to hold them! Unless it rains! Its only weakness is rain! And sharp objects! And punching! And hungry mice! But it's the supermax prison, nothing to worry about!"
Vic: Look, I'm a publicist, not a magician. You want big news, you have to have big fights. A superhero needs a supervillain. And thanks to you, we've got none left.
Captain Amazing: Then get... the... Death Man!
Vic: Death Man is dead.
Captain Amazing: Okay — Father Doom!
Vic: Life without parole. Apocalypto's doing fifty years. Armagezzmo's in exile. Baron von Chaos got the chair...
Captain Amazing: (legitimately surprised) Really?
Vic: Casanova Frankenstein is locked up in a nut house...
Peoriah Johnson told Dudlow Jones
"I can break out of any old jail you know
The bars are iron, the walls are stone
All I need me is an old fish bone."
They're servin' fish in the jailhouse tonight
Oh boy, alright.
"I can break out of any old jail you know
The bars are iron, the walls are stone
All I need me is an old fish bone."
They're servin' fish in the jailhouse tonight
Oh boy, alright.
— Tom Waits, "Fish in the Jailhouse" - Orphans: Brawlers, Bawlers & Bastards
Unfortunately, it's also got a terrible track record of actually keeping criminals locked up. I'm not saying it's a revolving door, but it seems like every time I pick up the morning paper Nanosec or the archer guy has busted out.
— Captain Fanzone (on Blackwater Prison), Transformers: Animated: The Allspark Almanac
This thing on? I'm gonna be brief. Because I'm dying. Because I got shivved. A lot. I just wanna get it on record that using force fields for doors in a space prison is a bad idea. You know what would have been better? Regular doors. With locks. Locks that don't open when the power goes out. [cough cough] Man, those blue force fields looked good, though. Every time I saw one, I thought, "Wow. I am in space." Still, though. A door made out of paper would have been better in the long run. Would have at least slowed 'em down for a second. Anyway. [cough] Anybody not escaping or shivving me, get back to work.
—Cave Johnson, Portal 2 — Perpetual Testing Initiative
Earl Hickey: I bet they didn't mention the 740 inmates who didn't escape!
Warden Hazelwood: I like you. You're a "prison half full" kinda guy.
Warden Hazelwood: I like you. You're a "prison half full" kinda guy.
He was, on the whole, a pretty good jailer: he always had a pot of tea on the go, he was as a general rule amiably disposed to most people, he was too slow to be easily fooled and he kept the cell keys in a tin box in the bottom drawer of his desk, a long way out of reach of any stick, hand, dog, cunningly thrown belt or trained Klatchian monkey spidernote ''
— Thud! on Fred Colon
Bruce Wayne: You don't know the first thing about the American justice system, do you?
Robin: I know it's bogus.
Bruce Wayne: And how did you come to that well-thought-out conclusion?
Robin: Watching you.
Robin: I know it's bogus.
Bruce Wayne: And how did you come to that well-thought-out conclusion?
Robin: Watching you.
— The New Batman Adventures, "Cold Comfort"
Scars: I got 35 years, but they let me out early.
Kid: How long did you do this time?
Scars: Three days.
Kid: How long did you do this time?
Scars: Three days.
Chris: Lenny’s presence initiates an escape plan that identifies Luthor’s guards as the single dumbest cops in the history of the world. Seriously, they are two men willing to just cold start ignoring a guy who once tried to nuke California the second someone drives up with surround sound, and they end up being driven off a cliff by remote control for it, which is about what they deserve. I’m just not sure why it was necessary to even have a plan to escape from these morons, let alone one that involved destroying a car. I think Luthor could’ve probably just pretended to throw a tennis ball and distracted them long enough to make a break for it.
David: He’s also held with all of a single chain between his legs, which Lenny breaks with the almighty boltcutters, Lex Luthor’s secret weapon.
David: He’s also held with all of a single chain between his legs, which Lenny breaks with the almighty boltcutters, Lex Luthor’s secret weapon.
—Chris Sims and David Uzumeri on
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace
Superman IV: The Quest for PeaceAfter police completed the difficult job of arresting him, the prison psychiatrist completed the easy job of declaring [Viacheslav] Datsik insane. He was locked away in a high security mental hospital. Three years later, they moved this superhumanly violent lunatic to a minimum security clinic. See if you can spot where they made a mistake. Datsik tore through a goddamn barbed wire fence with his bare hands, stole a cell phone and escaped to Norway...So now, after multiple concussions, a four year disappearance, a diagnosis of schizophrenia, three years in a hospital for the criminally insane, a screaming jog through a barbed wire fence, a Nazi costume and the world's most ridiculous request for political asylum, he gets extradited back to Russia and the psychiatrists now declare him, get this, legally sane. Now I know what Yakov Smirnoff meant when he said that in Soviet Russia fucks don't give you.
Palin Correctional Center. They recently upgraded the place with Blume's state-of-the-art security: networked locks, automated surveillance... If they were holding the guy in an older prison, I'd have a problem. But Blume's right on this one: they do make life easier through technology.
—Aiden Pearce, Watch_Dogs
Suge Knight made us all think of Suge Knight again last week when he killed a man and injured another on the set of the N.W.A biopic Straight Outta Compton in L.A... Nobody tell Suge this, but if he lost about 300 pounds, painted himself orange, put on a stringy ginger wig, changed his name to Lindsay Lohan and then pleaded guilty to murder, the judge would sentence him to 3 minutes in jail and revoke his Starbucks privileges for a week.
Why was Kroagnon kept locked up in the basement where he can plot his revenge? Why wasn't he carted off to the nearest prison? The only answer I can think of is that the original inhabitants of Paradise Towers wanted to give him a fighting chance.
It might be escape-proof for an elderly Vulcan with a gut, but not a ninety-pound Chinese acrobat you may find yourself having to imprison... what is it with Star Trek brigs having all sorts of panels and doohickeys on the wall, too? In that episode "I Borg" — y'know, that one with Hugh the Borg? — Geordi attaches a thing to a control panel which allows a power surge for the Borg to eat energy. What is that shit even there??
But then again, the force field isn't even a good idea. You remember that episode of Star Trek: Voyager where Tuvok had to transport, like, 50 dangerous convicts in their cargo bay? This fucking genius makes fifty cages but with one open side for a force field. 'Cause I guess it's the future or somethin', and you gotta have a force field. But then later on, the power goes out and all the force fields drop. Then everybody escapes. Why not just make FUCKING CAGES, YOU STUPID ASS?! How 'bout a room with plain walls, and good old iron bars?
But then again, the force field isn't even a good idea. You remember that episode of Star Trek: Voyager where Tuvok had to transport, like, 50 dangerous convicts in their cargo bay? This fucking genius makes fifty cages but with one open side for a force field. 'Cause I guess it's the future or somethin', and you gotta have a force field. But then later on, the power goes out and all the force fields drop. Then everybody escapes. Why not just make FUCKING CAGES, YOU STUPID ASS?! How 'bout a room with plain walls, and good old iron bars?
—Mr. Plinkett, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier rifftrack
"That place does not have Swiss-Cheese Security, it has grated parmesan."
"Plumbers HQ really needs to work on its security system, Grandpa!"
—Ben Tennyson, Ben 10: Omniverse
Really? Is there a revolving door at that prison?
—Spider-Man, The Spectacular Spider-Man
I got an interesting tip today; remember that barbaric beast named the Rhino? Apparently, last night he almost escaped from his cell in The Raft. How, you ask? Well, no one there seems to know, but they assure me he's been relocated to a "more secure" cell. Now I'm no expert on supermax prisons, but isn't the whole point of them that there isn't anything else more secure? I mean, he's a seven hundred pound maniac with an indestructible horn! If there's a more secure cell, WHY WASN'T HE IN IT?!
—J. Jonah Jameson, Spider-Man (PS4)
The MPs hustled me from the room, down a hallway to a bare, overlit room furnished with a chair and a sink and a cot and a steel door with a feeding slot in it. They threw me in, not at all gently. I was a prisoner.
Three minutes later, I demorphed in front of General Doubleday again.
He had me tackled once more, handcuffed, shackled, my mouth duct-taped. I was carried, hog-tied, from the room and thrown back in the cell. In the cell I was chained to the cot.
Three minutes later, I demorphed in front of General Doubleday.
"General, why don't you stop being stupid and listen?" I said.
He stopped being stupid. But not until the fourth time I demorphed in front of him.
Three minutes later, I demorphed in front of General Doubleday again.
He had me tackled once more, handcuffed, shackled, my mouth duct-taped. I was carried, hog-tied, from the room and thrown back in the cell. In the cell I was chained to the cot.
Three minutes later, I demorphed in front of General Doubleday.
"General, why don't you stop being stupid and listen?" I said.
He stopped being stupid. But not until the fourth time I demorphed in front of him.
—Animorphs #53: The Answer
Even the babies are one the most dangerous animals in the world, so I built this cage to keep them secure, so there's no possible OH MY GOD!
So Arkham Asylum, if you guys weren't aware, doesn't have doors. We're campaigning to get Arkham doors that lock.
Mike: Hey, Rose?
Rose: Yeah?
Mike: I think I could probably break this lock.
Rose: ...Please don't.
Mike: Okay.
Rose: Yeah?
Mike: I think I could probably break this lock.
Rose: ...Please don't.
Mike: Okay.
"Gone 2 Arkham Back After Lunch"
—Doodlebug, Arkham Asylum: Living Hell
Golden Guard: For the crime of... rocketing me off my own ship, you'll be locked in the dingiest cell in the Conformatorium for the rest of your sad little life.
Luz: Pfft, whatever. I already broke out there, like, twice.
Luz: Pfft, whatever. I already broke out there, like, twice.
I can leave here whenever I want. You know that! I only stay here for as long as I think it's funny! And it's not funny any more.
—The Joker, Justice
Prison Guard: "Interplanetary space prison calling Superman. Luthor has escaped!"
Superman: "Great Krypton! Can no prison hold him?"
Superman: "Great Krypton! Can no prison hold him?"
This door to remain unlocked. No one knows why.
—The sign outside the prison door Joker exits out of, as seen in After Hours
Jim: Well, Evil Jim is right where he belongs.
Peter: Serving a two-month sentence in a minimum security prison?
Jim: Don't question our system of justice, my little Pinko friend!
Peter: Serving a two-month sentence in a minimum security prison?
Jim: Don't question our system of justice, my little Pinko friend!
Off to jail for you, Lex Luthor! You may have only killed thousands of people during your Year-Long Reign of Disasters, but I'm sure you'll be out in a couple weeks because the guards at the prison gave you a ball-point pen and a baloney sandwich.
— Comics Oughta be Fun's commentary on the DC 1978 Calendar of Super Disasters
's commentary on the DC 1978 Calendar of Super Disasters