If you have a line from Calvin and Hobbes you enjoy, feel free to add it to this section! The quotes have begun being divided into sections, as a basic "Philosophy of Calvin & Hobbes." Also, if you know the date of the comic in which any quotes on this page appeared, please note it in the same format as those that are already complete.
Advertising
Calvin: Here's an ad for a new gum called "Hyperbubble," and it says, "If you're not chewing Hyperbubble, you might as well be chewing your own cud." Ooh, great copy! Gosh, am I cool enough to chew Hyperbubble? Maybe I'm not! Maybe if you chew Hyperbubble, you become cool! Or maybe if you chew it, everyone assumes you're cool, so it doesn't matter if you are or not! What do you think? Should I buy some?
Hobbes: If your emotional security depends on satisfying a need you didn't have until you read the ad, go ahead.
Calvin: I think I will! Boy, I'm glad I get this magazine!
Hobbes: If your emotional security depends on satisfying a need you didn't have until you read the ad, go ahead.
Calvin: I think I will! Boy, I'm glad I get this magazine!
—Calvin and Hobbes, 08 May 1992
Dad: [after rifling through a bunch of junk mail] ...Why do I get the feeling that society is trying to make us discontented with everything we do and insecure about who we are?
Mom: I suppose if people thought about real issues and needs instead of manufactured desires, the economy would collapse and we'd have total anarchy.
Dad: (grinning wickedly) So pitching this junk would make me some kind of terrorist, huh?
Mom: Yep. It's our patriotic duty to buy distractions from a simple life.
Mom: I suppose if people thought about real issues and needs instead of manufactured desires, the economy would collapse and we'd have total anarchy.
Dad: (grinning wickedly) So pitching this junk would make me some kind of terrorist, huh?
Mom: Yep. It's our patriotic duty to buy distractions from a simple life.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 20 March 1994
Art
Calvin: I got the new album by Scrambled Debutante. All their songs glorify depraved violence, mindless sex, and the deliberate abuse of dangerous drugs.
Hobbes: (wide-eyed) Your mom's going to go into conniptions when she sees this lying around.
Calvin: [tossing the vinyl record itself in the trash] Well, I sure didn't buy it for the music...
Hobbes: (wide-eyed) Your mom's going to go into conniptions when she sees this lying around.
Calvin: [tossing the vinyl record itself in the trash] Well, I sure didn't buy it for the music...
—Calvin and Hobbes, 18 February 1986
Hobbes: Whatcha doin'?
Calvin: I'm writing my autobiography.
Hobbes: But you're just six years old.
Calvin: I've only got one sheet of paper.
Calvin: I'm writing my autobiography.
Hobbes: But you're just six years old.
Calvin: I've only got one sheet of paper.
—Hobbes and Calvin, 5 January 1987
Calvin: They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.
Hobbes: Maybe that's why it's hard to tell if we're in a tragedy or a farce.
Calvin: We need more special effects and dance numbers.
Hobbes: Maybe that's why it's hard to tell if we're in a tragedy or a farce.
Calvin: We need more special effects and dance numbers.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 11 December 1993
"The arts are always the first to go in public schools."
—Calvin, 01 November 1992
Calvin: People always make the mistake of thinking art is created for them. But really, art is a private language for sophisticates to congratulate themselves on their superiority to the rest of the world. As my artist's statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance.
Hobbes: You misspelled "Weltanschauung."
Hobbes: You misspelled "Weltanschauung."
—Calvin and Hobbes, 15 July 1995
Authority
Calvin: Omigosh! This library book was due two days ago!! What will they do? Are they going to interrogate me and beat me up?! Are they going to break my knees?? Will I have to sign some confession???
Mom: They'll fine you ten cents. Now go return it.
Calvin: The way some of those librarians look at you, I naturally assumed the consequences would be more dire.
Mom: They'll fine you ten cents. Now go return it.
Calvin: The way some of those librarians look at you, I naturally assumed the consequences would be more dire.
—Calvin and his mom, 26 December 1986
Hobbes: So your teacher didn't know you ripped your pants, and she made you do a problem at the chalkboard?
Calvin: That sums it up.
Hobbes: How awful! What did you do??
Calvin: I didn't have a choice. I mooned the whole class.
Hobbes: That's why you're home early?
Calvin: Three teachers and the principal couldn't restore order.
Calvin: That sums it up.
Hobbes: How awful! What did you do??
Calvin: I didn't have a choice. I mooned the whole class.
Hobbes: That's why you're home early?
Calvin: Three teachers and the principal couldn't restore order.
—Hobbes and Calvin, 11 April 1987
Mom: I saw your teacher at the supermarket. She said to tell you hello.
Calvin: You saw Miss Wormwood at the supermarket?
Mom: What's so unusual about that?
Calvin: I just figured that teachers slept inside coffins over the summer.
Calvin: You saw Miss Wormwood at the supermarket?
Mom: What's so unusual about that?
Calvin: I just figured that teachers slept inside coffins over the summer.
—Calvin and his mom
Calvin: For the next 60 seconds, I will conduct a test of my emergency broadcast equipment. AAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHH! Had this been a real emergency, the scream you just heard would have been followed by lots more just like it. This concludes my... (scene shows Calvin sent to his room; to Hobbes) Oh, someday when the house caves in, she'll thank me. Mark my words.
—Calvin, 21 February 1987
Customer Service
Mom: (at the post office) Fifteen people in line and the teller goes on break without a replacement. (at the supermarket) After I wait ten minutes, they open a new line for all the people behind me who have waited two minutes. (at the Department Store) I'm waiting to pay, and the cashier puts me on hold instead of the person on the telephone.
Cashier: Have a nice day.
Mom: Too late.
Cashier: Have a nice day.
Mom: Too late.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 11 May 1995
Death
Calvin: This is where Dad buried the little raccoon. I didn't even know he existed a few days ago, and now he's gone forever. It's like I met him for no reason. I had to say goodbye as soon as I said hello. Still... In a sad, awful, terrible way, I'm happy I met him. (sniffs) What a stupid world.
Calvin: You know, Hobbes, I can't figure out this death stuff. Why did that little raccoon have to die? He didn't do anything wrong. He was just little! What's the point of putting him here and taking him back so soon?!?
(Calvin and Hobbes are now under the bed.)
Calvin: It's either mean or it's arbitrary, and either way I've got the heebie-jeebies.
Hobbes: Why is it always night when we talk about these things?
(Calvin and Hobbes are now under the bed.)
Calvin: It's either mean or it's arbitrary, and either way I've got the heebie-jeebies.
Hobbes: Why is it always night when we talk about these things?
Calvin: Mom says death is as natural as birth, and it's all part of the life cycle. She says we don't really understand it, but there are many things we don't understand, and we just have to do the best we can with the knowledge we have. I guess that makes sense. (hugs Hobbes) But don't you go anywhere.
Hobbes: Don't worry.
Hobbes: Don't worry.
— 16-18 March 1987
Economics
"Here is successful, Mr. Jones. He lives in a 5 acre home in a wealthy suburb. Here is his new Mercedes in the driveway. It's anyone's guess as to how much longer Mr. Jones can meet his monthly finance charges."
—Calvin, 15 February 1987
Calvin: As the wage earner here, it's your responsibility to show some consumer confidence and start buying things that will get the economy going and create profits and employment. Here's a list of some big-ticket items I'd like for Christmas. I hope I can trust you to do what's right for our country.
Dad: I've got to stop leaving the Wall Street Journal around.
Dad: I've got to stop leaving the Wall Street Journal around.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 15 December 1992
Education
Calvin: I don't want to learn this! It's completely irrelevant to my life!
Dad: This isn't irrelevant. Everyone needs to know this.
Calvin: I don't! I can get along fine without math!
Dad: Oh yeah? What do you want to be when you grow up? Every job requires some math.
Calvin: That's not true! I'll be a... a... a caveman! Yeah!
Dad: That's not really a job.
Dad: This isn't irrelevant. Everyone needs to know this.
Calvin: I don't! I can get along fine without math!
Dad: Oh yeah? What do you want to be when you grow up? Every job requires some math.
Calvin: That's not true! I'll be a... a... a caveman! Yeah!
Dad: That's not really a job.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 17 September 1990
Calvin: What assurance do I have that this education is adequately preparing me for the 21st century? Am I getting the skills I'll need to effectively compete in a tough, global economy? I want a high-paying job when I get out of here! I want opportunity!
Miss Wormwood: In that case, young man, I suggest you start working harder. What you get out of school depends on what you put into it.
Calvin: Oh. Then forget it.
Miss Wormwood: In that case, young man, I suggest you start working harder. What you get out of school depends on what you put into it.
Calvin: Oh. Then forget it.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 30 March 1992
Calvin: If ignorance is bliss, this lesson would appear to be a deliberate attempt on your part to deprive me of happiness, the pursuit of which is my unalienable right according to the Declaration of Independence. I therefore assert my patriotic prerogative not to know this material. I'll be out on the playground.
Calvin: (as Miss Wormwood physically drags him back into the classroom) HELLLPP! MONARCHISTS!
Calvin: (as Miss Wormwood physically drags him back into the classroom) HELLLPP! MONARCHISTS!
—Calvin and Hobbes, 14 October 1992
"THIS IS A BIG, FAT WASTE OF MY TIME! (later) HELLPP!! IT'S THE THOUGHT POLICE!"
—Calvin, 07 June 1993
Calvin: Miss Wormwood, I'm not going to learn this material unless you make it enthralling.
Miss Wormwood: I see. And what will you do if the rest of your life doesn't entertain you every minute?
Calvin: What, you think I'll live someplace that doesn't get cable?!
Miss Wormwood: I see. And what will you do if the rest of your life doesn't entertain you every minute?
Calvin: What, you think I'll live someplace that doesn't get cable?!
—Calvin and Hobbes, 07 October 1993
Test: "1. When did the pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock?"
Calvin (writing): "1620. As you can see, I've memorized this utterly useless fact long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You've taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations. "
Calvin (aside to the audience): They say the satisfaction of teaching makes up for the lousy pay.
Calvin (writing): "1620. As you can see, I've memorized this utterly useless fact long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You've taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations. "
Calvin (aside to the audience): They say the satisfaction of teaching makes up for the lousy pay.
—Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes 27 January 1994
Test: "2. Where is Plymouth Rock?"
Calvin (writing): "I am not presently at liberty to divulge that information, as it might compromise our agents in the field."
Calvin (aside to the audience): I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers' lounge.
Calvin (writing): "I am not presently at liberty to divulge that information, as it might compromise our agents in the field."
Calvin (aside to the audience): I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers' lounge.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 28 January 1994
Calvin: What on Earth am I doing in here on this beautiful day?! This is the only life I've got!! (runs off) AAAAAAAAAA!"
Miss Wormwood: (carrying Calvin back to his seat) Next time, try a drink of water and a few deep breaths.
Miss Wormwood: (carrying Calvin back to his seat) Next time, try a drink of water and a few deep breaths.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 28 April 1995
Calvin: You know, school wouldn't be so bad if you didn't have to go every day... and if you didn't have to learn anything... and if you took away all the teachers and all the other kids. If it was completely different, school would be great.
Hobbes: A lot of things are like that.
Calvin: Nobody asks me how things ought to be. I've got tons of ideas!
—>—Calvin and Hobbes at the bus stop, 25 October 1995
Hobbes: A lot of things are like that.
Calvin: Nobody asks me how things ought to be. I've got tons of ideas!
—>—Calvin and Hobbes at the bus stop, 25 October 1995
Environmentalism
Calvin: I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.
Hobbes: I think if you're born, it's too late.
Hobbes: I think if you're born, it's too late.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 21 March 1987
Calvin: Why do you think the Martian hid from us?
Hobbes: Maybe Martians don't like Earthlings.
Calvin: Don't like us?! What's not to like?? There's nothing wrong with humans! (calling out)) Hey, you Martian! Come on out! We're not bad! We just came here because people polluted our own planet so much that... uh... what I mean is... um... (talking to Hobbes again) So what are you saying? That our reputation preceded us?
Hobbes: Would you welcome in a dog that wasn't house-trained?
Hobbes: Maybe Martians don't like Earthlings.
Calvin: Don't like us?! What's not to like?? There's nothing wrong with humans! (calling out)) Hey, you Martian! Come on out! We're not bad! We just came here because people polluted our own planet so much that... uh... what I mean is... um... (talking to Hobbes again) So what are you saying? That our reputation preceded us?
Hobbes: Would you welcome in a dog that wasn't house-trained?
—Calvin and Hobbes, 28 September 1988
The aliens came from a far distant world
In a large yellow ship that blinked as it twirled.
It rounded the moon, and entered our sky.
We knew they had come but we didn't know why.
Bright the next morning, with noisy commotion,
The ship slowly moved out over the ocean.
It lowered a tube and drained the whole sea
For transport back home to their galaxy.
The tube then sucked up the clouds and the air,
Causing no small amount of Earthling despair.
With nothing to breathe, we started to die.
"Help us! Please stop!" was the public outcry.
A hatch opened up and the aliens said,
"We're sorry to learn that you soon will be dead,
But though you may find this slightly macabre,
We prefer your extinction to the loss of our job."
In a large yellow ship that blinked as it twirled.
It rounded the moon, and entered our sky.
We knew they had come but we didn't know why.
Bright the next morning, with noisy commotion,
The ship slowly moved out over the ocean.
It lowered a tube and drained the whole sea
For transport back home to their galaxy.
The tube then sucked up the clouds and the air,
Causing no small amount of Earthling despair.
With nothing to breathe, we started to die.
"Help us! Please stop!" was the public outcry.
A hatch opened up and the aliens said,
"We're sorry to learn that you soon will be dead,
But though you may find this slightly macabre,
We prefer your extinction to the loss of our job."
Calvin: That's my science-fiction story. Think it's too farfetched?.
Hobbes: Not enough, really.
Hobbes: Not enough, really.
Ethics
Hobbes: It says here that by the age of six, most children have seen a million murders on television.
Calvin: I find that very disturbing! [beat] It means I've been watching all the wrong channels.
Calvin: I find that very disturbing! [beat] It means I've been watching all the wrong channels.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 30 December 1985
"I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification."
—Calvin
"Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words."
—Calvin
"In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks."
—Calvin
Calvin: I don't believe in ethics any more. As far as I'm concerned, the ends justify the means. Get what you can while the getting's good, that's what I say! Might Makes Right! The winners write the history books! It's a dog-eat-dog world, so I'll do whatever I have to, and let others argue about whether it's 'right' or not.
(Hobbes suddenly shoves Calvin into a mud hole.)
Calvin: HEYY! (Calvin is now covered in mud.) Why'd you do that?!?
Hobbes: You were in my way. Now you're not. The end justify the means.
Calvin: I didn't mean for everyone, you dolt! Just me!
(Hobbes suddenly shoves Calvin into a mud hole.)
Calvin: HEYY! (Calvin is now covered in mud.) Why'd you do that?!?
Hobbes: You were in my way. Now you're not. The end justify the means.
Calvin: I didn't mean for everyone, you dolt! Just me!
Family
Mom: So the contractor says it'll cost about $200 to fix.
Dad: Oh, that dumb kid!
Mom: Well, it's all part of raising a child, right?
Dad: Mm.
Mom: You're not sorry we had Calvin, are you?
Dad: Are you?
Mom: I asked first. ...Besides, it wasn't all my decision.
Dad: All I know is that I offered to buy us a dachshund, but no, you said...
Dad: Oh, that dumb kid!
Mom: Well, it's all part of raising a child, right?
Dad: Mm.
Mom: You're not sorry we had Calvin, are you?
Dad: Are you?
Mom: I asked first. ...Besides, it wasn't all my decision.
Dad: All I know is that I offered to buy us a dachshund, but no, you said...
—Calvin and Hobbes, 05 May 1986
Calvin: My parents are the two stupidest people on Earth. Just my luck they'd get married and have me.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 09 October 1988
Calvin: Dad, are you vicariously living through me in the hope that my accomplishments will validate your mediocre life and in some way compensate for all of the opportunities you botched?
Dad: If I were, you can bet I'd be re-evaluating my strategy.
Calvin: [talking to his mother] Mom, Dad keeps insulting me.
Dad: If I were, you can bet I'd be re-evaluating my strategy.
Calvin: [talking to his mother] Mom, Dad keeps insulting me.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 04 December 1992
Freedom
Calvin: Somewhere in communist Russia I'll bet there's a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe he's heard about America, and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday, I'd like to meet that little boy... And tell him the awful TRUTH about this place!!
Dad: Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans.
Dad: Calvin, be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans.
—Calvin and his dad, 7 April 1986
[Phone rings]
Calvin: Hello?
Caller: May I speak with your father, please?
Calvin: Heck, you don't need my permission! Be my guest! [hangs up, rolling eyes] What a weirdo.
Calvin: Hello?
Caller: May I speak with your father, please?
Calvin: Heck, you don't need my permission! Be my guest! [hangs up, rolling eyes] What a weirdo.
—Calvin, 25 July 1987
Calvin: Do you support the free expression of ideas in our society?
Dad: Sure. That's first on our bill of rights.
Calvin: So you would be against censorship and suppression of ideas you would find distasteful?
Dad: Right. You've got to take the bad with the good.
Dad: OK, first let me explain about our responsibility to be culturally educated and able to make critical distinctions about...
Calvin: You're stalllling!
—Calvin and Hobbes, 13 August 1990
Gender Roles and Stereotypes
Your gender would be a lot more tolerable if it wasn't so darn cynical!
—Calvin, after Susie doesn't play along with his "Sandbox full of quicksand" prank, Calvin and Hobbes, 02 July 1988
Calvin: It must be awful to be a girl. I'm sure it's frustrating knowing that men are bigger, stronger, and better at abstract thought than women. Really, if you're a girl, what would make you go on living?
Susie: The thought of a jerk like you begging one of us for a date when you're 17.
Susie: The thought of a jerk like you begging one of us for a date when you're 17.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 18 November 1988
Calvin: You're lucky that girls don't have to put up with this nonsense. If a girl doesn't want to play sports, that's fine! But if a guy doesn't spend his afternoons chasing some stupid ball, he's call a wimp! You girls have it easy!
Susie: On the other hand, boys aren't expected to spent their lives 20 pounds underweight.
Susie: On the other hand, boys aren't expected to spent their lives 20 pounds underweight.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 26 April 1990
I suppose if I had two X chromosomes, I'd feel hostile too.
—Calvin, after Susie doesn't play along with his "Snow Snake" prank, Calvin and Hobbes, 06 February 1991
Home Improvement
Dad: "Before beginning any home-plumbing repair, make sure you possess the proper tools for the job. Check the following list of handy expletives, and see that you know how to use them."
—Calvin and Hobbes, 31 May 1987
Hobbes: What are you doing with all your dad's tools in the bathroom?
Calvin: This faucet drips, so I'm going to fix it.
Hobbes: You're going to fix it?
Calvin: That's what I said. ...And you can keep your comments to yourself, Dr. Doom.
Calvin: This faucet drips, so I'm going to fix it.
Hobbes: You're going to fix it?
Calvin: That's what I said. ...And you can keep your comments to yourself, Dr. Doom.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 8 August 1988
Hobbes: Aren't you supposed to turn the water off before you take apart a faucet?
Calvin: That's the problem I'm trying to fix, you moron! I can't turn the water off because the faucet leaks! Sheesh, where were you when they were passing out brains?
(Calvin suddenly starts getting sprayed with water from the disassembled faucet.)
Calvin: OH NO! AUGHH! ACKK!
Hobbes: I'll get you some paper and carbons for your written apology.
Calvin: That's the problem I'm trying to fix, you moron! I can't turn the water off because the faucet leaks! Sheesh, where were you when they were passing out brains?
(Calvin suddenly starts getting sprayed with water from the disassembled faucet.)
Calvin: OH NO! AUGHH! ACKK!
Hobbes: I'll get you some paper and carbons for your written apology.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 10 August 1988
Mom: (painting the wall) Ughh, there are times when I hate owning a house. All the maintenance! The walls need painting, the roof needs to be fixed, the tree out back needs to be sprayed... It seems like the whole place is falling apart. (chases Calvin, who she caught drilling holes in the wall) ...And what isn't falling apart is being actively destroyed!
—Calvin and Hobbes, 19 August 1989
Leisure
"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want."
—Calvin, 28 August 1988
"Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless."
—Calvin
Dad: Our lives are filled with machines designed to reduce work and increase leisure. We have more leisure than any man has ever had. And what do we do with this leisure? Educate ourselves? Take up new interests? Explore? Invent? Create?
Calvin: Dad, I can't hear this commercial.
[Dad kicks Calvin out of the house]
Calvin: If it were up to Dad, leisure would be as bad as work.
Calvin: Dad, I can't hear this commercial.
[Dad kicks Calvin out of the house]
Calvin: If it were up to Dad, leisure would be as bad as work.
—24 January 1994
Calvin: OH NO! I OVERSLEPT! I GOTTA GET UP!
Hobbes: But it's Saturday.
Calvin: Well sure. If this were a school day, what would I care?
Dad: The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse.
—02 April 1995
Linguistics
Calvin: I like to verb words.
Hobbes: What?
Calvin: I take nouns and adjectives and use them as verbs. Remember when "access" was a thing? Now it's something you do. It got verbed. Verbing weirds language.
Hobbes: Maybe we can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding.
Hobbes: What?
Calvin: I take nouns and adjectives and use them as verbs. Remember when "access" was a thing? Now it's something you do. It got verbed. Verbing weirds language.
Hobbes: Maybe we can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 25 January 1993
Calvin: I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realised that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report?
Hobbes: "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender Modes."
Calvin: Academia, here I come!
Hobbes: "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender Modes."
Calvin: Academia, here I come!
Politics
Calvin: Any monsters under my bed tonight?!
Monsters: Nope! / No! / Uh-uh.
Calvin: Well, there'd better not be! I'd hate to have to torch one with my flame thrower!
Hobbes: You have a flame thrower??
Calvin: [going to sleep] They lie. I lie.
Monsters: Nope! / No! / Uh-uh.
Calvin: Well, there'd better not be! I'd hate to have to torch one with my flame thrower!
Hobbes: You have a flame thrower??
Calvin: [going to sleep] They lie. I lie.
—Calvin and the monsters, 25 November 1985
Hobbes: How come we play war and not peace?
Calvin: Too few role models.
Calvin: Too few role models.
—Hobbes and Calvin, 23 March 1986
Calvin: Your polls are slipping Dad. Better get with it.
Dad: Calvin, being your Dad is not an elected position. I don't have to respond to polls.
Calvin: Not elected? You mean you can govern with dictatorial impunity?
Dad: Exactly.
Calvin: In short, open revolt and exile is the only hope for change?
Dad: ...I don't like the direction this conversation is taking.
Dad: Calvin, being your Dad is not an elected position. I don't have to respond to polls.
Calvin: Not elected? You mean you can govern with dictatorial impunity?
Dad: Exactly.
Calvin: In short, open revolt and exile is the only hope for change?
Dad: ...I don't like the direction this conversation is taking.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 30 August 1986
Calvin: —the scandals of your administration continue to haunt you.
Dad: Scandals? What scandals?!
Calvin: Bedtimegate and Homeworkgate come readily to mind.
Dad: Instances of true leadership. History will vindicate me.
Dad: Scandals? What scandals?!
Calvin: Bedtimegate and Homeworkgate come readily to mind.
Dad: Instances of true leadership. History will vindicate me.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 11 April 1988
Calvin: Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world's problems?
(Dad sits speechless for 2 panels, unable to come up with a good answer)
Calvin: [walking away] I think grown-ups just act like they know what they're doing.
(Dad sits speechless for 2 panels, unable to come up with a good answer)
Calvin: [walking away] I think grown-ups just act like they know what they're doing.
—Calvin and his dad, 18 February 1991
Calvin: Bad news on your campaign to stay Dad, Dad.
Dad: Oh?
Calvin: Yep. The latest poll of six-year-olds in this household shows that they don't care about issues this year. It's character that counts.
Dad: So why is that bad news?
Calvin: (pulls out a photo and shows it to Dad) Who's the bimbo with you in this old prom picture?
Dad: THAT "BIMBO" IS YOUR MOTHER!
Mom: WHO'S A BIMBO?!
Calvin: Pretty funky hairdo, Mom!
Dad: Oh?
Calvin: Yep. The latest poll of six-year-olds in this household shows that they don't care about issues this year. It's character that counts.
Dad: So why is that bad news?
Calvin: (pulls out a photo and shows it to Dad) Who's the bimbo with you in this old prom picture?
Dad: THAT "BIMBO" IS YOUR MOTHER!
Mom: WHO'S A BIMBO?!
Calvin: Pretty funky hairdo, Mom!
—Calvin and Hobbes, 09 November 1987
Pop Culture
"I love Saturday Morning Cartoons. What classic humor! This is what entertainment is all about. ...Idiots, explosives, and falling anvils."
—Calvin, 10 May 1986
Calvin: Here's a movie we should watch.
Hobbes: Who's in it?
Calvin: It says, "Japanese cast." "Two big rubbery monsters slug it out over major metropolitan centers in a battle for world supremacy." ...Doesn't that sound great?
Hobbes: And people say that foreign film is inaccessible.
Hobbes: Who's in it?
Calvin: It says, "Japanese cast." "Two big rubbery monsters slug it out over major metropolitan centers in a battle for world supremacy." ...Doesn't that sound great?
Hobbes: And people say that foreign film is inaccessible.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 14 May 1986
Calvin: Popular culture isn't to blame for selling twisted values. Movies, records, and TV shows reflect the reality of our times. Artists depict hatred and violence because that's what they see.
Hobbes: Why don't they see things of beauty and value?
Calvin: Because boring stuff doesn't sell.
Hobbes: Why don't they see things of beauty and value?
Calvin: Because boring stuff doesn't sell.
Progress
"I'll bet future civilizations find out more about us than we'd like them to know."
—Calvin, 19 July 1987
"The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present."
—Hobbes, 30 December 1990
"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."
—Calvin
Calvin:' Yesterday Dad went to buy a hardcover novel. He said he wanted to read something long, rich and thought-provoking for a change, and he wanted a cloth binding so his book could be carried around and reread later. Then he said he was going to buy the book with cash, so nobody could trace the purchase to him and exploit his interest for commercial purposes.
Hobbes: Your Dad's going into the future kicking and screaming, isn't he?
Hobbes: Your Dad's going into the future kicking and screaming, isn't he?
Proverbs
"Never argue with a six-year-old who shaves."
—Calvin, 30 January 1986
"Never criticize a guy with a razor."
—Calvin, 14 March 1986
"...It's hard to argue with someone who looks so happy."
—Calvin, 17 April 1986
"Virtue needs some cheaper thrills."
—Hobbes
"Until you stalk and overrun, you can't devour anyone."
—Hobbes
Psychology
Calvin: What's it like to fall in love?
Hobbes: Well, say the object of your affection walks by...
Calvin: Yeah?
Hobbes: First, your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves.
Calvin: That's love?
Hobbes: Medically speaking.
Calvin: Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!!
Hobbes: Well, say the object of your affection walks by...
Calvin: Yeah?
Hobbes: First, your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain, and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether, your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves.
Calvin: That's love?
Hobbes: Medically speaking.
Calvin: Heck, that happened to me once, but I figured it was cooties!!
—Calvin and Hobbes, 16 February 1986
"What fun is it being "cool" if you can't wear a sombrero?"
—Hobbes, 30 September 1986
Calvin: Hobbes, do you think human nature is good or evil?
Hobbes: Watch out for those trees.
Calvin: I mean, do you believe people are basically good, with a few bad tendencies, or basically bad, with a few good tendencies?
Hobbes: There's a rock up ahead! Look out!
Calvin: Or, as a third possibility, do you think people are just crazy, and who knows why they do anything?
Hobbes: Not so close to the ledge!
Calvin: Well? What do you think? Are people good, bad, or crazy?
Hobbes: Aughhh! I can't look!
(WUMP!)
Calvin: [buried up to face in snow] You know, it's very rude of you to keep changing the subject after every sentence.
Hobbes: [buried, face first, down to waist in snow.] I choose crazy.
Hobbes: Watch out for those trees.
Calvin: I mean, do you believe people are basically good, with a few bad tendencies, or basically bad, with a few good tendencies?
Hobbes: There's a rock up ahead! Look out!
Calvin: Or, as a third possibility, do you think people are just crazy, and who knows why they do anything?
Hobbes: Not so close to the ledge!
Calvin: Well? What do you think? Are people good, bad, or crazy?
Hobbes: Aughhh! I can't look!
(WUMP!)
Calvin: [buried up to face in snow] You know, it's very rude of you to keep changing the subject after every sentence.
Hobbes: [buried, face first, down to waist in snow.] I choose crazy.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 11 January 1987
Calvin: Dad, how do people make babies?
Dad: Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions.
Calvin: I came from Sears??
Dad: No, you were a blue light special at Kmart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper.
Calvin: AAUUGHHH!
Mom: (across the house) Dear, what are you telling Calvin now?!
Dad: Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions.
Calvin: I came from Sears??
Dad: No, you were a blue light special at Kmart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper.
Calvin: AAUUGHHH!
Mom: (across the house) Dear, what are you telling Calvin now?!
—Calvin and his dad, 18 April 1987
"[angrily] I'm sick of everyone telling me what to do all the time! I hate my life! I hate everything! I wish I was DEAD! [taken a bit back by what he just said] ...Well, no, I don't. Not really. [angrily again] I wish everyone else was dead."
—Calvin, 21 March 1989
Calvin: Isn’t it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humour? When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it's funny. Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?
Hobbes: I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that don’t make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life.
[beat]
Calvin: I can’t tell if that's funny or really scary.
Hobbes: I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that don’t make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life.
[beat]
Calvin: I can’t tell if that's funny or really scary.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 19 April 1992
"It's true, Hobbes, ignorance is bliss! Once you know things, you start seeing problems everywhere... and once you see problems, you feel like you ought to try to fix them... and fixing problems always seems to require personal change... and change means doing things that aren't fun! I say phooey to that! But if you're willfully stupid, you don't know any better, so you can keep doing whatever you like! The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest!"
—Calvin, 17 May 1992
Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius.
Hobbes: What's misunderstood about you?
Calvin: [wearing his clothes upside-down] Nobody thinks I'm a genius.
Hobbes: What's misunderstood about you?
Calvin: [wearing his clothes upside-down] Nobody thinks I'm a genius.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 7 September 1993
"It's sad how some people can't handle a little variety."
—Calvin and the world around him, in a nutshell.
Calvin: I let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
Mom: I figured you lost your mind years ago.
Mom: I figured you lost your mind years ago.
—Calvin and his mom
"Reality continues to ruin my life."
—Calvin
"A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day."
—Calvin
"Everybody seeks happiness! Not me, though! That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!"
—Calvin
"I think night time is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction."
—Calvin
Calvin: Trick or treat!
Adult: Where's your costume? What are you supposed to be?
Calvin: I'm yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Madison Avenue and Hollywood, poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when you're old and weak! [moments later, he's shown walking away, bag overflowing with candy]'' Am I scary, or what?
Adult: Where's your costume? What are you supposed to be?
Calvin: I'm yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Madison Avenue and Hollywood, poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when you're old and weak! [moments later, he's shown walking away, bag overflowing with candy]'' Am I scary, or what?
—Calvin
Calvin: (inner monologue) Come on, you are gonna dodge all those trees. You can do it. You'll stop just before you reach the cliff. You won't fall on the lake. Besides, the ice must be really thick. Go on.
Calvin: (outer monologue to the reader): My brain is trying to kill me.''
Calvin: (outer monologue to the reader): My brain is trying to kill me.''
—Calvin deciding if he will ride his sled down the hill or not.
"You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't help."
—Calvin
Religion
Hobbes: Do you think there's a God?
[Beat]
Calvin: Well, somebody's out to get me.
[Beat]
Calvin: Well, somebody's out to get me.
—Hobbes and Calvin, 6 May 1986
Calvin: [desperately praying in an internal monologue] Please don't let the teacher call on me! Don't make me go to the board in my ripped pants! Anyone but me! Just let her call on someone else! Please don't embarrass me in front of the whole class!
Miss Wormwood: Calvin, would you do the next problem at the board?
Calvin: So much for my ever joining the clergy.
Miss Wormwood: Calvin, would you do the next problem at the board?
Calvin: So much for my ever joining the clergy.
—Calvin and Miss Wormwood, 9 April 1987.
Calvin: Do you believe in the devil? You know, a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation, corruption, and destruction of man?
Hobbes: I'm not sure man needs the help.
Calvin: (annoyed, to the reader) You just can't talk to animals about these things.
Hobbes: I'm not sure man needs the help.
Calvin: (annoyed, to the reader) You just can't talk to animals about these things.
—Calvin and Hobbes
Calvin: Bad news, Mom. I promised my soul to the devil this afternoon.
Mom: Oh? That recently?
Mom: Oh? That recently?
—Calvin and his mom
Calvin: I wonder why man was put on Earth. What's our purpose? Why are we here?
Hobbes: Tiger food. [Hobbes grins, which freaks out Calvin]
Hobbes: Tiger food. [Hobbes grins, which freaks out Calvin]
—Calvin and Hobbes
[Calvin's father is raking up some leaves]
Calvin: Can we burn these leaves?
Dad: No, that pollutes.
Calvin: But how can we appease the mighty Snow Demons if we don't sacrifice any leaves?! We'll have a warm winter!
Dad: I don't know whether your grasp of theology or meteorology is the more appalling.
Calvin: I guess I'll go light some candles around the toboggan and beg for mercy.
Calvin: Can we burn these leaves?
Dad: No, that pollutes.
Calvin: But how can we appease the mighty Snow Demons if we don't sacrifice any leaves?! We'll have a warm winter!
Dad: I don't know whether your grasp of theology or meteorology is the more appalling.
Calvin: I guess I'll go light some candles around the toboggan and beg for mercy.
—Calvin and his father
Science and Technology
"What horrors we visit upon ourselves in the name of science."
—Hobbes, 26 March 1987
Calvin: I've been reading about the beginning of the universe. They call it "The Big Bang." [...] Isn't it weird how scientists can imagine all the matter of the universe exploding out of a dot smaller than the head of a pin, but they can't come up with a more evocative name for it than "The Big Bang?" That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.
Hobbes: What would you call the creation of the universe?
Calvin: The Horrendous Space Kablooie!
Hobbes: Hmm... That is better.
Calvin: Almost anything would be. [...] And I think "Tyrannosaur" should be changed to "Monstrous Killer Death Lizard."
Hobbes: What would you call the creation of the universe?
Calvin: The Horrendous Space Kablooie!
Hobbes: Hmm... That is better.
Calvin: Almost anything would be. [...] And I think "Tyrannosaur" should be changed to "Monstrous Killer Death Lizard."
Calvin: Do you believe in evolution?
Hobbes: No.
Calvin: You don't believe humans evolved from monkeys?
Hobbes: I sure don't see any difference.
Hobbes: No.
Calvin: You don't believe humans evolved from monkeys?
Hobbes: I sure don't see any difference.
Calvin: Why aren't we hooked up to an on-line service, so we can connect to other computers?
Dad: Because it's bad enough we have a telephone.
Dad: Because it's bad enough we have a telephone.
Dad: It used to be that if a client wanted something done in a week, it was considered a rush job, and he'd be lucky to get it. Now, with modems, faxes, and car phones, everybody wants everything instantly! Improved technology just increases expectations. These machines don't make life easier — they make life more harassed.
Calvin: Six minutes to microwave this?? Who's got that kind of time?!
Calvin: Six minutes to microwave this?? Who's got that kind of time?!
Socializing
Calvin: I wish I had more friends, but people are such jerks. If you can just get most people to ignore you and leave you alone, you're doing good. If you can find even one person you really like, you're lucky. ...And if that person can also stand you, you're really lucky.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 08 October 1989
Mom: (screaming into the phone) DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT I HAVE A LIFE BEYOND THIS SALES PITCH AND YOU'RE INTRUDING ON IT?! (holding the phone away from her, grinding her teeth) There would be more civility in this world if people didn't take it as an invitation to walk on you.
Calvin: I'm only civil because I don't know any swear words.
Calvin: I'm only civil because I don't know any swear words.
—Calvin and Hobbes, 1 September 1995
I'm thinking of starting my own talk radio show. I'll spout simplistic opinions for hours on end, ridicule anyone who disagrees with me, and generally foster divisiveness, cynicism, and a lower level of public dialogue!
—Calvin
Sports and Athletics
"I don't understand it, Hobbes. The kids teased me when I didn't play baseball, then they yelled at me when I did play. Then the teacher called me a "quitter" when I stopped playing. Unless you're a star, you can't please anyone."
—Calvin, 04 May 1990
Hobbes: It's Saturday! What do you want to do?
Calvin: Anything but play an organized sport.
Hobbes: Want to play Calvinball?
Calvin: Yeah!
Hobbes: No sport is less organized than Calvinball!
Calvin: Anything but play an organized sport.
Hobbes: Want to play Calvinball?
Calvin: Yeah!
Hobbes: No sport is less organized than Calvinball!
—Calvin and Hobbes, 05 May 1990
Calvin: If you don't want to play with old geezers, you have to make golf a contact sport!
—Calvin and Hobbes, 19 July 1992
Statistics
Calvin: Dad, your polls took a big dive this week. Your "Overall Dad Performance" rating was especially low. See? Right about yesterday your popularity went down the tubes.
Dad: Calvin, you didn't get dessert yesterday because you flooded the house!!
Dad: Calvin, you didn't get dessert yesterday because you flooded the house!!
—Calvin and Hobbes, 28 January 1986
Subterfuge
Hobbes: (after dunking a bucket of snowballs on Calvin from up high) It's that moment of dawning comprehension I live for.
—Hobbes, 23 January 1993
Mom: Calvin! You're going to be late for school! Get up! Calvin, it's almost 7:30! Are you up??
Calvin: I'm coming.
[Hobbes, as Calvin's mom sees him, placed out in the hallway wearing Calvin's jacket and a hat, prompting her to give an aside glance. Moments later...]
Hobbes: [taking off the clothes] See? I told you it wouldn't work!
Calvin: Of course not, dummy! You didn't put on any pants!
Calvin: I'm coming.
[Hobbes, as Calvin's mom sees him, placed out in the hallway wearing Calvin's jacket and a hat, prompting her to give an aside glance. Moments later...]
Hobbes: [taking off the clothes] See? I told you it wouldn't work!
Calvin: Of course not, dummy! You didn't put on any pants!
—Calvin and Hobbes, 23 January 1986
Calvin: Hello Susie, this is Calvin. I lost our homework assignment. Can you tell me what we were supposed to read for tomorrow?
Susie: Are you sure you're not calling for some other reason?
Calvin: Why else would I call you?
Susie: Maybe you missed the melodious sound of my voice.
Calvin: What are you, crazy?? All I want is the stupid assignment!
Susie: First say you missed the melodious sound of my voice.
Calvin: THIS IS BLACKMAIL!
Susie: Are you sure you're not calling for some other reason?
Calvin: Why else would I call you?
Susie: Maybe you missed the melodious sound of my voice.
Calvin: What are you, crazy?? All I want is the stupid assignment!
Susie: First say you missed the melodious sound of my voice.
Calvin: THIS IS BLACKMAIL!
—Calvin and Susie, 9 December 1986
Susie: (reading a note) "Susie, if you want to see your doll again, leave $100 in this envelope by the tree out front. Do not call the police. You cannot trace us. You cannot find us. Sincerely, Calvin."
—Calvin and Hobbes 29 August 1990
