Quotes / Bungled Suicide

"I got low. I didn't see an end, so I put a bullet in my mouth and the other guy spit it out."

— Bruce Banner, The Avengers

Rick: What are you doing?
Brad: I'm slashing my wrists.
Rick: With an electric razor?
Brad: Yea, I couldn't find any razor blades.
Rick: Well at least your wrist will be smooth and kissable.

— Bachelor Party

Connor: How’d you break your arm? How’d you break your arm, Evan?
Evan: I fell.
Connor: Really? Is that what happened?
Evan: YES! I was- I lost my grip and then I just- I fell, so...
Connor: Did you fall? Or did you let go?

— Dear Evan Hansen (Theatre)

"The tree. I didn't fall. I let go. Do you hate me now? You should. You should. If you knew who I am, just how broken I am."

— Dear Evan Hansen (Film)

"Remember how disappointed you were when you swallowed two fistfuls of pills and still didn’t die? Being a Summoner makes us crazy resistant, huh?"

— Kohana, Division by Zero

"Yesterday, I electrocuted myself in the tub. It didn't take."

— Lorraine Maillard, The Secret World

Tommy: Wellington, what happened?!
Wellington: (after trying to shoot himself) I missed.

— Pardon My Sarong

Kyle: What happened, Cartman? I thought you were going to kill yourself.
Cartman: I tried. I went to sleep in my mom's car in the garage with the engine running.
Kyle: And you didn't die?
Cartman: Freaking hybrids, man. They just don't do the trick anymore.

— South Park, "Elementary School Musical"

"Well, that's that. Stabbing won't work. Hanging won't work. Nor will bullets. I am stuck here..."

— Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Big Finish Doctor Who, "My Own Private Mozart"

"I don't believe this! I don't appear to have a neck of any description. In fact, I ain't got an esophagus. Ohh, diddle di dam! I is gonna be up here for some time..."

— Franky, Conker's Bad Fur Day

"Chief! Let me open my stomach to take responsibility for this! Seppuku! Tekkai! (the knife bounces off his gut before he collapses in shame) I can't die..."

— Kumadori, One Piece

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