Maurice: I don't know if you guys know this, but I'm bald. Male pattern baldness is the only thing my father ever gave me.
Randy: (on taking your dealer's drugs without paying for them) If you do that shit at 3:00 PM they will shoot you dead by 2:59 that same day. You'll be dead before you do it.
Maurice: (Clearly not getting euphemism Randy used) Yeah... he gonna kill you before you do it!
Maurice: (discussing the Choking Game) They should just rename it "NIGGA DIE", or "THIS IS A REALLY BAD IDEA". "WHY?". Perfect. "WHY?".
Maurice: (Playing World of Warplanes) We are preparing to engage in life or death doggystyle... I mean dogfight.
Maurice: It feels like..I'm driving the world's wettest vagina.
Maurice: Drugs is one hell of a drug kids.
Maurice: (talking about people who stay around in horror movie situations) Y'know what the nickname for motherfuckers like you is? Delicious.
Maurice: The HD part of BlastphamousHD means Huge Dick. Ask anyone.
Maurice: (to Randy) If you ever piss in my mouth while i'm sleeping I'm unfriending you on facebook. You understand me? Stop laughing! I''m serious!
Maurice: You think if Randy goes of the side of a cliff I'm gonna help him in any way, shape or form? Nope! This nigga's gonna be hanging off the side of the mountain and shit like:"Blast! Help me brother! Please!" and I'd be like: "Throw your wallet!"
Randy: You would be 32000$ in debt...
Randy: You would be 32000$ in debt...
Maurice: I WILL LIGHT YOU ON FIRE AND PEE IT OUT!!!
Maurice: (on Joey Salads) I was okay with you drinking your own piss. That was cool, like, he recycles.
Maurice: Who doesn't beat their meat to naked white bitches on the internet?
Maurice: Come on, girl. I'm just tryna fuck yo esophagus.
Randy: You don't throw bricks at your teacher's car! You throw eggs at it so that the paint gets fucked. That way there's no fingerprints.
Maurice: You're a horrible person.
Randy: What?
Maurice: Eggs are people too!
Maurice: I'd be the worst athletics judge. Like, all the other judges would be holding up signs "9.5", "8", "10"... My sign would say: "Pull out ya titties, bitch!"
Randy: You are now a patient to Dr. J's clinic. If you didn't have herpes, you got'em now.
Maurice: Come on, bitch! Show me where babies come from!
Randy: MONEY HAS CHANGED YOU!!!
Maurice: Nigga what money?
Maurice: Listen kids: Don't say what I say. Don't do what I do. I'm crazy man. I'm a fat bald nigga talking about titties online. FOR A LIVING. Don't do what I do. Don't go saying that shit at school. You will get expelled immediately. Your parents will beat your ass. You think I'm gonna help you? I'll be recording that shit for Worldstar!
Randy: If i found out that my child was injured while in the hospital. I would fuck somebody up.
Maurice: We're recruiting the goth kids? What's their special attack, suicide?
Maurice: This is a Learning Channel today. It's like Reading Rainbow, but for your dumb ass.
Maurice: Committing crime is stupid when you're not smart enough to get away even when you've already escaped!
Maurice: (singing, pretending to be blind while wearing sunglasses) I can't see what your titties look like, but I know they breasts!
Maurice: (reacting to a video with people dressed as Toy Story characters) What type of child molestation festival is this?!
