"Do you know what's funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown suit."
— Traditional
"Black humor is like food in Africa; not everyone is getting it."
— Traditional
Fiction
"Girlfriend in a coma, I know, I know
It's really serious"
It's really serious"
"You know those dreams you have when you're falling and you Fade Out just before you hit the ground? Those are great." *SPLAT*
— Philip J. Fry, Futurama
"Kif, come over here! You've got to try this!"
— Zapp Brannigan unknowingly eating Kif's blood in a sandwich, Futurama
Archer: Lana, that is the third saddest thing I've heard today. [Beat] Pam... told me about a little girl who drowned trying to save a puppy.
Lana: Jesus! What was the second saddest?
Archer: The puppy drowned too.
Lana: Jesus! What was the second saddest?
Archer: The puppy drowned too.
— Archer
Dr. Young: That's horrible. How can you joke about something like that?
Riddler: Easily, doctor... it's not my baby.
Riddler: Easily, doctor... it's not my baby.
Arthur Fleck: Knock, knock.
Murray Franklin: Who's there?
Arthur Fleck: It's the police, ma'am! Your son's been hit by a drunk driver! He's dead!
[crowd boos, live orchestra plays Losing Horns]
Dr. Sally Friedman: Oh, no no no! No! You cannot joke about that!
Murray Franklin: Who's there?
Arthur Fleck: It's the police, ma'am! Your son's been hit by a drunk driver! He's dead!
[crowd boos, live orchestra plays Losing Horns]
Dr. Sally Friedman: Oh, no no no! No! You cannot joke about that!
MacNamara crossed the street and by a bus was hit-
but he was just a Scotsman so nobody gave a shit...
but he was just a Scotsman so nobody gave a shit...
— "Another Irish Drinking Song", by Da Vinci's Notebook
I saw an old man slip and fall-hey, what a fucking idiot!
I saw a woman at her daughter's funeral-ha ha ha! Classic comedy!
Everything that once was sad is somehow funny now!
The Holocaust and 9/11?
That shit's funny 24/7!
Cause tragedy will be exclusively joked about
Because my empathy is bumming me out.
Goodbye, sadness! Hello, jokes.
I saw a woman at her daughter's funeral-ha ha ha! Classic comedy!
Everything that once was sad is somehow funny now!
The Holocaust and 9/11?
That shit's funny 24/7!
Cause tragedy will be exclusively joked about
Because my empathy is bumming me out.
Goodbye, sadness! Hello, jokes.
— Bo Burnham, "Sad"
"You trapped yourself. I guess that's it then. Thanks for testing. You may as well lie down and get acclimated to the being-dead position."
— GLaDOS, Portal 2
Dr. Chang: Are you going to kill me?
Missy: Now, come on, let's not dwell on horrid things. This is going to be our last conversation, and I'm the one who's going to have to live with that.
Missy: Now, come on, let's not dwell on horrid things. This is going to be our last conversation, and I'm the one who's going to have to live with that.
— Doctor Who, "Dark Water"
Nisus Wettus: Crucifixion?
Mr. Cheeky: Er, no — freedom, actually.
Nisus Wettus: What?
Mr. Cheeky: Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything, and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
Nisus Wettus: Oh, I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then.
Mr. Cheeky: No, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really.
Nisus Wettus: Oh, yes, very good. Well...
Mr. Cheeky: Yes, I know, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.
Mr. Cheeky: Er, no — freedom, actually.
Nisus Wettus: What?
Mr. Cheeky: Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything, and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
Nisus Wettus: Oh, I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then.
Mr. Cheeky: No, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really.
Nisus Wettus: Oh, yes, very good. Well...
Mr. Cheeky: Yes, I know, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.
"Stop me if you heard this one: Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He hands the innkeeper three nails, and he asks, 'Can you put me up for the night?'"
— Eric Draven, The Crow (1994)
In my dreams she still doth haunt me
Robed in garments soaked in brine
Though in life I used to hug her
Now she's dead, I draw the line
Robed in garments soaked in brine
Though in life I used to hug her
Now she's dead, I draw the line
— One variation on the "Clementine" song
"You don't reckon that we keep her up for the twelve days of Christmas, then?"
— Deputy Pullman on a corpse strung up like a Christmas tree, Jack Frost (1997)
"My heart is packed so full of love for you
That I dreamed I exploded, like aerosol cans sometimes do
I blew with such force that my bones became shrapnel
And leveled the town, except the small chapel
My teeth flew like bullets, I didn't know what was happening
They killed everyone in sight, except for the chaplain
And then, thanks to him, we were happily wed
Even though, at the time, I think we were both dead
The end"
That I dreamed I exploded, like aerosol cans sometimes do
I blew with such force that my bones became shrapnel
And leveled the town, except the small chapel
My teeth flew like bullets, I didn't know what was happening
They killed everyone in sight, except for the chaplain
And then, thanks to him, we were happily wed
Even though, at the time, I think we were both dead
The end"
— Jeffrey Franken, Frankenhooker
"A comedy of murders. The story of a modern French Bluebeard!"
— Tagline for Monsieur Verdoux
Lindon: Underlord, forgive me, I was... startled.
Eithan: There will be no forgiveness. To the blood pits with you!
[Gesha trembles, and Lindon laughs awkwardly]
Eithan: Not every joke is appreciated in its time. Tell me, Soulsmith Gesha, would you mind if I borrowed my little brother here? Feel free to say no, although of course I will have your corpse mounted on a flagpole for the slightest defiance.
Eithan: There will be no forgiveness. To the blood pits with you!
[Gesha trembles, and Lindon laughs awkwardly]
Eithan: Not every joke is appreciated in its time. Tell me, Soulsmith Gesha, would you mind if I borrowed my little brother here? Feel free to say no, although of course I will have your corpse mounted on a flagpole for the slightest defiance.
— Cradle Series: Blackflame
Real Life
"Tragedy is when I get a paper cut. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
"If you liked that AIDS joke, you're gonna love this AIDS joke."
— Anthony Jeselnik
"We're gonna be corpses. Might as well be ridiculous looking corpses."
— The Captain, pictures for sad children, #372
"Every time there is a change in power, in Africa, 'A few heads must roll'."
— Idi Amin Dada, after a doctor finds severed heads in the freezer, Rise and Fall of Idi Amin
Law & Order: SVU would like to remind you that genital mutilation is no laughing matter. It is, however, an old vaudeville routine.
— Joel McHale, The Soup
"There really is a lot of comedy in tragedy."
"If you can hijack a plane with a pair of tweezers, then frankly, you deserve that plane."
— Ed Byrne
"Great comedies have memorable scenes that you and your friends can laugh about later. Like in Who's Harry Crumb? when John Candy is on the ceiling fan and the little kid turns it on REALLY FAST. Or all the times in Austin Powers where Mike Myers says things and then says "baby!" Or in Fargo where Peter Stormare is feeding chunks of Steve Buscemi into the wood chipper and tries to kill the pregnant cop. Ha ha ha ha!"
— Seanbaby, The Internet Film Laser Squad's Top 100 Funniest Movies of All Time
I cannot decide whether Tabby being dragged down the waste disposal chute is hilarious or mortifying so I’m erring on the side of caution. One watch and I'll heave with laughter at her fluffy slippers vanishing down the chute and another and I'll be burying my head in a cushion.
"Chris Rock was the host and since he does stand up, he did stand up for his opening monologue. I guess Chris Rock really wanted to make b-holes throb and split up with rage, because he got right into making jokes about the Boston Marathon bombing and then he skipped along Outrage Lane by joking about the Freedom Tower... Those people screaming 'BURN CHRIS ROCK AT THE STAKE!' on Twitter should just be grateful that he didn't sing and dance during his monologue like every other goddamn host does."
— DListed
, "Chris Rock Joked About The Boston Bombing And 9/11 On SNL And Of Course Some People Freaked Out About It"
, "Chris Rock Joked About The Boston Bombing And 9/11 On SNL And Of Course Some People Freaked Out About It""In the event our airline becomes a cruise line, life jackets can be found under your seats."
"If you can't take any more of my jokes, we have six emergency exits: two in the front of the plane, two over the wings, and two in the back of the aircraft."
"In the seat back compartment in front of you, who knows what you will find. But there will be a card with safety instructions on it."
"If the plane loses pressure, oxygen masks will fall from the overhead compartments. Oxygen is four dollars for the first five minutes, and two dollars a minute after that. We accept Visa, Mastercard, and American Express. If you have a child, please stop screaming long enough to put on your mask first. If you have two children, now's a good time to choose your favorite. They'll support you through retirement."
"Federal regulations prohibit the destruction of smoke detectors, video cameras, and two-way mirrors in aircraft lavatories."
"Sit back and relax, or lean forward and be tense, we're prepared for takeoff. Thanks to those of you who listened; the rest of you are on your own."
"If you can't take any more of my jokes, we have six emergency exits: two in the front of the plane, two over the wings, and two in the back of the aircraft."
"In the seat back compartment in front of you, who knows what you will find. But there will be a card with safety instructions on it."
"If the plane loses pressure, oxygen masks will fall from the overhead compartments. Oxygen is four dollars for the first five minutes, and two dollars a minute after that. We accept Visa, Mastercard, and American Express. If you have a child, please stop screaming long enough to put on your mask first. If you have two children, now's a good time to choose your favorite. They'll support you through retirement."
"Federal regulations prohibit the destruction of smoke detectors, video cameras, and two-way mirrors in aircraft lavatories."
"Sit back and relax, or lean forward and be tense, we're prepared for takeoff. Thanks to those of you who listened; the rest of you are on your own."
— Excerpts from a Southwest Airlines pre-flight safety speech
Nick Mullen: By the way, guys, it's almost Home Workout Month, uh... June. In honor of Chris Benoit, who did the ultimate home workout.
Adam Friedland: Sponsored by Bowflex Total Gym.
Adam Friedland: Sponsored by Bowflex Total Gym.
— Cum Town, Episode 105 — writers room
[In a game of "Name That Ad", where the panelists are provided with an advertising slogan and have to guess what it was promoting]
Jack Dee: What about this one: "Snap, Crackle, Pop"?
Andy Hamilton: Margate Crematorium!
[A little later in the round]
Jack Dee: And finally... "See the face you love light up"?
Tim Brooke-Taylor: [Corpsing] Margate Crematorium!
Jack Dee: What about this one: "Snap, Crackle, Pop"?
Andy Hamilton: Margate Crematorium!
[A little later in the round]
Jack Dee: And finally... "See the face you love light up"?
Tim Brooke-Taylor: [Corpsing] Margate Crematorium!
I've got tumors all over my body, I'm worried about some guy in the back going "30 seconds".
— Jim Valvano during his "Don't Give Up" speech at the 1993 ESPY Awardsnote
[Matthew] Calamari isn't the only member of this breaded crime ring in trouble, because prosecutors are also investigating his Calamari's son, Matthew Calamari Jr. Like his father, Calamari Jr. hasn't been officially charged yet, but prosecutors recently advised both men to hire lawyers. You know the world is upside down when the Calamari are ordering lawyers for the whole table.
