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"Cheerio, America! It seems that many of you feel that Newcastle Brown Ale had gone too far when they suggested that America would be better off if the Brits had won the Revolutionary War. Anyway, they've sent me to say sorry...we're not sorry. America, we are truly sorry about the fact that we're not sorry and we feel truly awful that we don't feel truly awful. What, should we apologize for trying to bequeath your country with the gifts of delightful British food, comedy, culture, funny hats, and taxes? Of course not, America. The freedom to exploit your patriotism to sell you beer is exactly the kind of freedom your Founding Fathers fought for. And by selling you beer, we're just protecting your freedom to buy more of our beer. But if we offended you, we hope it won't stop you from celebrating Independence Eve on July 3rd and raising a Newcastle Brown Ale to the Brits who totally let you win the Revolutionary War. We hope you can accept our non-apology, because remember, it takes a big person to face your opponents and apologize, but it takes an even bigger person to face them and not apologize."
Animated Films
Donkey: (to Shrek) You know, with you, it's always "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushin' me around, or pushin' me away!
Shrek: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?
Donkey: Because that's what friends do — THEY FORGIVE EACH OTHER!
Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you — for stabbing me in the back!
Shrek: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?
Donkey: Because that's what friends do — THEY FORGIVE EACH OTHER!
Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you — for stabbing me in the back!
Literature
If I'm pressed against the wall, I'll resort to a weasel apology. A weasel apology is just like a real apology, but without taking any of the blame. For example, I might say to the person who is mad about my treatment of clowns, "I'm sorry that you feel that way." It's true, I'm genuinely sorry that anyone feels like a frickin' nut. Notice that I'm not apologizing for what I did, I'm only expressing my heartfelt sympathy for nuts. Yet it looks like an apology if you read it quickly, especially if you're expecting a real apology. Feel free to borrow this method.
— Scott Adams, Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel
Live-Action TV
Lilith: I simply responded with the genuine spontaneous emotion I was feeling at the moment. But, if Niles is not mature enough to accept that, if he is so pitifully insecure, if he is in such need of validation, then I guess for some sense of familial harmony, I do apologize.
Niles: Oh, Lilith, thank you! Oh, this bad blood between us has gone on far too long! Next time you're in town, we'll have dinner, just you and me!
Frasier: He doesn't get that kind of validation at home, you see.
Niles: Oh, Lilith, thank you! Oh, this bad blood between us has gone on far too long! Next time you're in town, we'll have dinner, just you and me!
Frasier: He doesn't get that kind of validation at home, you see.
—Frasier, "The Show Where Lilith Comes Back"
Brent: Regarding my critically acclaimed novel, I am very sorry if you were offended. Okay?
Simone: Not an apology.
Brent: Yes, it was! Okay, fine. I'm sorry if what I wrote, which was perfectly okay, somehow made you feel like it wasn't okay. But you know what? That's on you.
Michael: Brent! Wrong direction, bud.
Simone: No, sorry man. Either apologize for real or stop wasting our time.
Brent: Okay, you know what? I'm actually not sorry at all. How about that? Is that what you want to hear?
Eleanor: Very obviously not.
Simone: Not an apology.
Brent: Yes, it was! Okay, fine. I'm sorry if what I wrote, which was perfectly okay, somehow made you feel like it wasn't okay. But you know what? That's on you.
Michael: Brent! Wrong direction, bud.
Simone: No, sorry man. Either apologize for real or stop wasting our time.
Brent: Okay, you know what? I'm actually not sorry at all. How about that? Is that what you want to hear?
Eleanor: Very obviously not.
—The Good Place, "A Chip Driver Mystery"
Web Original
What better way of looking like a big man than by saying you're sorry? You don't actually have to be sorry, or admit you did anything wrong, or stop arguing or insulting people. As long as you use the word "sorry" it's clearly an apology, and anyone who complains that you haven't stopped doing what you're apologizing for, and haven't even admitted it, is a bad person who can't let things go.
—Cracked, "The 11 Most Common (and sad) Internet Argument Techniques" #9: The Passive-Aggressive Apology
For the people who have spoken out about past instances they deemed hurtful, or unprofessional, we sincerely regret you felt that way.
Sharon must be really shitting her pants because she gave ET an entire interview in which she admits she “conducted [herself] really badly, really badly,” but only because she was “blindsided,” “set up,” “hurting,” “pissed off,” and had “been pounced on.” So nothing new there... But just so you know, her only crime was losing her cool.
—Mieka
, "Sharon Osbourne still insists she’s not racist in the least"
, "Sharon Osbourne still insists she’s not racist in the least"Web Video
"A lot of people are mad at me for what I did. So, I'd like to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being an influencer who's always on that grind! Yeah, I plugged my TikTok at a funeral! That's called promotion, work don't sleep! That's why I live in a mansion—with no furniture! Stay mad!"
— Jacksfilms, one of the endings for CHOOSE YOUR OWN APOLOGY VIDEO
Western Animation
Brian: Um, you know, you were the only person who believed in me when I was down. This all happened so fast, and I lost sight of who I was. I mean, you know, sure, you were in a little over your head, but...
Stewie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I was in over my head?
Brian: Yeah, but Stewie, this isn't about all the things you did wrong. It's about me apologizing.
Stewie: Okay, then apologize.
Brian: I just did.
Stewie: No, you didn't. You just said, "It's about me apologizing." That's not actually apologizing.
Brian: All right, Stewie: I'm sorry that I made you uncomfortable and put you in a situation that you clearly couldn't handle.
Stewie: Okay, okay, there it is again. What the hell? Stop with that!
Brian: You're right, you're right. This is—this is about healing. This is not about how many things you messed up along the way. It's about how badly I reacted to them. So, I'm sorry about how badly I reacted to your many errors.
Stewie: That's as good as it's gonna get, isn't it?
Brian: Pretty much.
Stewie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I was in over my head?
Brian: Yeah, but Stewie, this isn't about all the things you did wrong. It's about me apologizing.
Stewie: Okay, then apologize.
Brian: I just did.
Stewie: No, you didn't. You just said, "It's about me apologizing." That's not actually apologizing.
Brian: All right, Stewie: I'm sorry that I made you uncomfortable and put you in a situation that you clearly couldn't handle.
Stewie: Okay, okay, there it is again. What the hell? Stop with that!
Brian: You're right, you're right. This is—this is about healing. This is not about how many things you messed up along the way. It's about how badly I reacted to them. So, I'm sorry about how badly I reacted to your many errors.
Stewie: That's as good as it's gonna get, isn't it?
Brian: Pretty much.
Real Life
"If I called any of your admirers 'bigots' who are not bigots, I apologize."
—Dick Cavett, to Georgia Governor Lester Maddox, after the latter accused him of painting his supporters racist.
"Calling three of my colleagues, or a number of my colleagues, 'bastards' was absolutely unforgivable. My only excuse is that it was true."
"Anyone who knows the Leader of the House at all well will have not the slightest doubt about her political ability and her personal character."
— John Bercow (Speaker of the House of Commons) on Andrea Leadsom.
I apologize to those I called intellectually dishonest. It is clear by reading your accusations that there's no intellectual component
Like the NBA, we welcome the Chinese censors into our homes and into our hearts. We too love money more than freedom and democracy. Xi doesn't look like Winnie the Pooh at all. Tune into our 300th episode this Wednesday at 10! Long live the great Communist Party of China. May the autumn's sorghum harvest be bountiful. We good now China?
— "Official apology to China" from Trey Parker and Matt Stone
