Quotes / Back-Alley Doctor

I told him I got water on the knee
He gave me a sponge and raised his fee

— Rodney Dangerfield, "Rappin' Rodney"

[Shake is being operated on by a convicted criminal]
Meatwad: He does do some good work, don't he?
Carl: Yeah, mostly he does hot rods. Sometimes faces.

— Aqua Teen Hunger Force

You were lucky enough to have a friend who didn't mind getting her hands dirty on account of your best interest. A friend with a chainsaw.

— Homestuck

Raffi Leevon is a fake! A quack! I can't practise medicine alongside him! Unload him, and I'll stick around. Otherwise, I'm gone!

— Dr. Clifford Highball, Jagged Alliance

"Vait, it gets better! Vhen ze patient woke up, his skeleton vas missing, and ze doctor vas never heard from again! [he laughs, and the Heavy starts laughing afterwards] Anyvay, zat's how I lost my medical license. Heh."

— The Medic, Team Fortress 2, "Meet the Medic"

Pauling: What happened? I thought we all....
Medic: Died? Ha ha ha, heavens, no! Well, yes. But only momentarily! Your hearts barely had time to stop beating! The robots merely drained out all of your blood. So! I just put the blood back in!
Pauling: I refuse to believe it's that easy.
Medic: I know! Ja, why do people even go to medical school?

— Team Fortress 2, "The Naked and the Dead"

"Who needs a real doctor when you've got my machines and their scary needles?"

— Dr. Zed, Borderlands

"Please insert any donated organs into the receptacle below."

— Zed's Meds vending machine, Borderlands 2

"The dead ones don't sue you."

— Barazo Mankanshoku, Kill la Kill

[sneezes] "This damn cold. [Beat] Don't worry. You see, I could cut open your chest and sew a dead cat in there, and you wouldn't ever get an infection. Not with the spectrum of antibios I'll be shooting into you."

— Dr. Solomon Eddie, Minority Report

"Look around, look around, look at all this: this was a filthy abattoir. Hard to believe, isn't it? Now, Selma has done wonders to this place. She has the heart of an interior decorator and the mind of a dominatrix. Oh, she's also a trained nurse; not that your hospitals would recognize her credentials. The bureaucracy and politics of the medical establishment is the antithesis to progress. This is why we have built our own clinic. Who needs a medical license when you can cater to sophisticated clientele such as you and your kind, a clientele that appreciates artistry and is willing to, let's call it, bypass traditional channels for the sake of beauty and perfection?"

— Dr. Aldini, The Secret World

"All right, I'll just get my scalpel here, and... ugh. Did I leave that sitting outside? Well, you know what? Free tetanus shot!"

— "Dr." Ada Straus, Fallout: New Vegas

"And now, I commit a crime so novel, it doesn't even have a name. The Souling of a fabricant. But instead of a brass band, a nobel of outstanding scientific achievement and a university sinecure, all I earn is a guaranteed bench in the Lighthouse."

— The Implanter, Cloud Atlas

Dr. Charles: They got ya good... Look, there's a reason I'm here and not Mount Sinai, okay? It ain't my bedside manner. I do flesh wounds. You know, fix up guys who took a shot to the arm, the leg, you know, maybe need a few sutures after a fight gone bad. But you should go to a hospital!
Billy Russo: They're going to lock me back up. Here's what's gonna happen. [points gun at him] You're gonna pull out those bullets, and you're going to close me up. Do you understand?

— The Punisher (2017), "The Whirlwind"

"You know, I'm not a licensed physician."

— "Doc", Cyberpunk: Edgerunners

"We need a street medic who makes house calls."

— Hunter (1984), "Unfinished Business"

---