"To overcome the spider's curse, simply quote a Bible verse..." uh... Thou shall not... Ah, screw it!
— Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
You know, just because you add a Bible verse to the beginning of something doesn't automatically make it classy. If that was the case, I'd start out all of my episodes like this!
His disciples had gone into the town to buy food. - John 4:8
His disciples had gone into the town to buy food. - John 4:8
— Snob, The Cinema Snob
As the Good Book says... wait, why would I need to tell You what the Good Book says?
— Tevye, Fiddler on the Roof
PoH: (growling) And Samson said, "with an ass' jawbone, I have made asses of them. With an ass' jawbone, I have killed a thousand men."
Yolko: ...Huh?
Johnny Black: (sighs)
PoH/Jeffrey: (dropping the baritone) What?!
Johnny Black: It, it's nothing, forget it.
Jeffrey: No, no, you sighed! That's not "nothing!"
Johnny Black: Boss, I get what you're going for: Bible-quoting serial killer. It's a great motif, classic. But, it's a big book, they aren't all gonna be gems.
Jeffrey: Okay big-shot, name one verse that's scarier than that.
Johnny Black: Oh, I don't know, how about "No flesh shall be spared?"
Jeffrey: WHAT?!
Johnny Black: "No flesh shall be spared." Mark 13:20?
Jeffrey: Holy shit, that's in the Bible?!
Johnny Black: Have... you ever actually read the Bible?
Jeffrey: Look, we're getting off-track. I'm the guild leader, and I say my verse was better.
Johnny Black: Look, it's not just about the verse, okay. Don't you think the whole "Jesus tells me to kill" thing is... holding us back? Plus, you're not even all that good at it.
Jeffrey: How dare you?! The J-Man's teachings inform everything I do!
Yolko: ...Huh?
Johnny Black: (sighs)
PoH/Jeffrey: (dropping the baritone) What?!
Johnny Black: It, it's nothing, forget it.
Jeffrey: No, no, you sighed! That's not "nothing!"
Johnny Black: Boss, I get what you're going for: Bible-quoting serial killer. It's a great motif, classic. But, it's a big book, they aren't all gonna be gems.
Jeffrey: Okay big-shot, name one verse that's scarier than that.
Johnny Black: Oh, I don't know, how about "No flesh shall be spared?"
Jeffrey: WHAT?!
Johnny Black: "No flesh shall be spared." Mark 13:20?
Jeffrey: Holy shit, that's in the Bible?!
Johnny Black: Have... you ever actually read the Bible?
Jeffrey: Look, we're getting off-track. I'm the guild leader, and I say my verse was better.
Johnny Black: Look, it's not just about the verse, okay. Don't you think the whole "Jesus tells me to kill" thing is... holding us back? Plus, you're not even all that good at it.
Jeffrey: How dare you?! The J-Man's teachings inform everything I do!
Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I shall fear no evil, 'cause I'm the meanest sonofayouknowwhat in the valley.
♫And so what we have learned applies to our lives today, God has a lot to say in his book♫
Beat
♫You see, we know that God's word is for everyone, and now that our song is done, we'll take a look♫
Beat
♫You see, we know that God's word is for everyone, and now that our song is done, we'll take a look♫
Jules: (after shooting the man on the couch) I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue, you were saying something about best intentions. What's the matter? ...Oh, you were finished! Well, allow me to retort. What does Marsellus Wallace look like?
Brett: Wha-what?
Jules: (smashes table) What country you from?
Brett: What?
Jules: "What" ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in What?
Brett: What?
Jules: ENGLISH, MOTHAFUCKA! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!
Brett: Yes!
Jules: Then you know what I'm saying!
Brett: Yes!
Jules: Describe what Marsellus Wallace looks like!
Brett: ...What? I—
Jules: (draws gun) SAY "WHAT" AGAIN! SAY! WHAT! AGAIN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE-DARE YOU, MOTHERFUCKER! SAY "WHAT" ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME!
Brett: H-he-he's black!
Jules: Go on!
Brett: He's bald!
Jules: Does he look like a bitch?
Brett: What?
Jules: (gunshot) DOES?! HE?! LOOK?! LIKE?! A BITCH?!
Brett: NOOOOO!
Jules: Then why'd you try to fuck him like a bitch, Brett?
Brett: I didn't!
Jules: Yes, you did! Yes, you did, Brett! You tried to fuck him, and Marsellus Wallace don't like to be fucked by anyone except Mrs. Wallace. You read the Bible, Brett?
Brett: Yes.
Jules: Well, there's this passage I've got memorized, sorta fits the occasion. Ezekiel 25:17? "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers! And you will know my name is the Lord... when I lay my vengeance upon thee!" (he and Vincent shoot Brett dead)
Brett: Wha-what?
Jules: (smashes table) What country you from?
Brett: What?
Jules: "What" ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in What?
Brett: What?
Jules: ENGLISH, MOTHAFUCKA! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!
Brett: Yes!
Jules: Then you know what I'm saying!
Brett: Yes!
Jules: Describe what Marsellus Wallace looks like!
Brett: ...What? I—
Jules: (draws gun) SAY "WHAT" AGAIN! SAY! WHAT! AGAIN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE-DARE YOU, MOTHERFUCKER! SAY "WHAT" ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME!
Brett: H-he-he's black!
Jules: Go on!
Brett: He's bald!
Jules: Does he look like a bitch?
Brett: What?
Jules: (gunshot) DOES?! HE?! LOOK?! LIKE?! A BITCH?!
Brett: NOOOOO!
Jules: Then why'd you try to fuck him like a bitch, Brett?
Brett: I didn't!
Jules: Yes, you did! Yes, you did, Brett! You tried to fuck him, and Marsellus Wallace don't like to be fucked by anyone except Mrs. Wallace. You read the Bible, Brett?
Brett: Yes.
Jules: Well, there's this passage I've got memorized, sorta fits the occasion. Ezekiel 25:17? "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers! And you will know my name is the Lord... when I lay my vengeance upon thee!" (he and Vincent shoot Brett dead)
Jules: You read the Bible, Ringo?
Pumpkin: Not regularly, no.
Jules: There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord... when I lay My vengeance upon you." Now, I been saying that shit for years. And if you heard it, that meant your ass. You'd be dead right now. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this morning made me think twice. See, now I'm thinking: maybe it means you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here, he's the Shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could mean you're the righteous man, and I'm the shepherd, and it's the world that's evil and selfish. And I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm trying, Ringo. I'm trying real hard to be the Shepherd.
Pumpkin: Not regularly, no.
Jules: There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord... when I lay My vengeance upon you." Now, I been saying that shit for years. And if you heard it, that meant your ass. You'd be dead right now. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this morning made me think twice. See, now I'm thinking: maybe it means you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here, he's the Shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could mean you're the righteous man, and I'm the shepherd, and it's the world that's evil and selfish. And I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm trying, Ringo. I'm trying real hard to be the Shepherd.
She tried to think of an inspiring prayer, something from Psalm 23:4, but she forgot the words halfway and ended up mumbling a distorted version of Ezekiel 25:17 instead.
What the hell's your problem?! Don't you know what Jesus said in Luke 11? "Don't trouble me, the door is locked." Got that? Bitch.
— Eda, Black Lagoon
As they raced down the corridor Zarkendorf's voice boomed at them from numerous wallscreens.
"And God looked upon the wickedness of Man that was great upon the Earth and He was rather annoyed. And God said unto Noah: "I'm supposed to be omniscient — why didn't I see this coming? All flesh is grass and I am a lawnmower. I shall blot out Man whom I have created from the face of the land. I shall purge him with a horde of cute furry tribbles..."
"Yep, he's definitely a fruitcake," muttered Proton.
Junie Harper: "The complacency of fools will destroy them." Proverbs.
Dutch: As the Good Book says, payback's a bitch!
Mickey: I don't think it actually says that, Dutch.
Dutch: I'm paraphrasing, ya heathen!
Big Smoke: As it says in the book, we are both blessed, and cursed.
CJ: (beat) ...What fuckin' book?
CJ: (beat) ...What fuckin' book?
