Quotes / An Ass-Kicking Christmas

Film

It's Christmas. Take 'em to Church.

— Tony Stark, Iron Man 3

"Now I have a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho."

— Hans Gruber reading John McClane's note, Die Hard

"This is it, no turning back. Another Christmas in the trenches."

— Kevin McCallister, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

"All right, listen up guys. 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except... the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation."

—Theo, Die Hard

Live-Action TV

Santa Claus: So, we can stand about arguing whether I’m real or not, or, uh, are we gonna get busy saving Christmas?

Ian: [gasping] Santa goes bad ass.

— Doctor Who, "Last Christmas"

"Have a Merry freakin' Christmas / And you'll hear what we just said / Don't you squeal or rat us out / Or you will end up dead!"

— "Raging Rudolph" skit, MADtv (1995) Christmas special

"You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Cause Santa Claus might put a cap in your ass"

— Craig Ferguson

"Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year
Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear
It's my way or the highway this Christmas at my bar
I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car"

— Mystery Science Theater 3000, "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"

Music

From his beard to his boots, he was covered with ammo

Like big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo

And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye

“Merry Christmas to all, now you’re all gonna die!”

— "Weird Al" Yankovic, "The Night Santa Went Crazy"

Web Original

Because it wouldn't be Christmas without guns and homicidal tendencies!

— Linkara, Atop the Fourth Wall

Because this is what you think of when you think of Christmas, right? People beating the shit out of each other.

— The Nostalgia Critic's review of The He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special

Then there's "Blizzard of Balls", a Christmas-themed snow level...the best part is killing Santa and using his body as a sled.

—The Angry Video Game Nerd on The Angry Video Game Nerd Adventures

I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but let's be real: There's a reason we have Christmas, and it's time we acknowledge that. And that reason is that Batman reversed time to stop the Earth from being blown up by antimatter.

— Chris Sims on Batman: The Brave and the Bold

(stormtrooper topples off balcony)
Jack: OH! You died.
Rich: That's what I like in my Christmas specials: DEEEEEAAATH!

— Best of the Worst on The Star Wars Holiday Special

The idea of Santa as an immortal being who’s been delivering Christmas presents for centuries is ridiculous, of course, but the truth behind the legend is much darker than most people can imagine. In fact, 'Santa' has been a whole succession of different individuals down through the centuries. In this way 'he' is kind of like the Phantom; but whereas the Phantom’s identity passes down peacefully from father to son over the generations, Santa-ness must be taken, with each new Santa defeating his predecessor in single combat to the death. And now notorious asshole and megalomaniac Heathcliff has come to violently insert himself into this ancient tradition.

—The Comics Curmudgeon, "There Can Be Only One"

Chuck comes out shooting, brandishing twin Uzis holstered at his sides in a custom leather harness... He takes cover in Santa's Village and then carries out a protracted gun battle using the fake snow banks as cover. I'm serious. Even funnier, the battle spills over past Santa's house and into the nearby Nativity scene.

— Noah Antwiler on Invasion U.S.A. (1985)

After all, where else do you see a Planet of the Apes ape crush Nazi John Turturro’s head in between his thighs? Where do you see jet pack wearing rats driving motorcycles with Gatling guns on the front? Where do you see a shark killed with fluorescent lighting as a means of highlighting the Nazis' plan to kill toy-kind? The festive holiday world of Nutcracker in 3D that’s where!

— Miles Antwiler on The Nutcracker in 3D

The canon of Christmas movies covers a wide range of diverse subjects, from a boy desperately craving a firearm to random British people hooking up to a green mutant and his pet dog burgling an entire town out of spite. The only thing linking them all is Christmas. Die Hard fits the bill. It does take place on Christmas. But a lot of its elements are decidedly un-Christmasy—like machine guns, explosions, and a slimy cokehead who dies before anyone exclaims that his shiny red nose could help them in bad weather. Still, Die Hard has a redemptive arc for its hero, not dissimilar from other great Christmas stories. Like Ebenezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol, John McClane finds his Christmas Eve interrupted by uninvited visitors, and due to their intervention, he learns to be a less selfish person. Both characters’ epiphanies come when they’re forced to confront their mortality. Scrooge repents at the site of his gravestone, and McClane realizes he owes his wife Holly an apology while picking shards of broken glass out of his feet.

— JM McNab, “‘Die Hard’ is a Christmas Movie, Everybody Shut Up," Cracked

Professional Wrestling

Announcer: "Christmas, a time of joy and laughter. A day to celebrate family and the spirit of giving."
Santa: "Ho Ho Ho!"
Announcer: "But at TNA it's just another excuse to kick some (bleep)!"
Santa: (confused) "What's the meaning of this?"
Announcer: "Shut the hell up Santa! Prepare for an evening of brutality and violence so severe! It's even enough to turn Rudolph's nose black and blue! Tonight on impact: A "Christmas Chaos Cage Match"! A "Double North Pole Match"! A "Santa's Workshop Knock Out Street Fight"! A "Silent Night, Bloody Night Match"! And AJ Styles takes on Cass in a "Grab the Reindeer: Latter Match"! Plus much, much more! So dump out that eggnog and grab on to earrings! Because this is going to be one turbulant sleigh ride!"

— Introduction to TNA's Silent Night, Bloody Night event broadcasted December 20, 2007.

Western Animation

Mordecai: Come on, you don't even look like Santa Claus.
Rigby: Yeah, Santa's all fat and junk.
Mordecai: And he smells like gingerbread cookies...
Rigby: And he's got rosy cheeks...
Mordecai: Yeah, your cheeks are more bruise-colored.
Rigby: And you smell like you stepped in something.
Santa: Well, sorry to disappoint you, but I was just shot at, fell 3,500 feet and crashed through a garage!

— Regular Show, "The Christmas Special"