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Comic Books
John Doe: Tell me, Eli, how many people have asked for your help that truly deserved it?
Eli Gould: I-I don't know... plenty.
John Doe: Who!? What innocent people!? The rapist who was in your office a couple of hours ago... the Russian mobster, the pedophile you successfully defended... TELL ME!
Eli Gould: I can't! Please, I can't think...
John Doe: You can't because there is nobody. You only represent those who will feed your wallet. How many times have you had the opportunity to actually help a victim, but refused because it didn't benefit you? How many sacrifices have you ever made?
Eli Gould: I-I don't know... plenty.
John Doe: Who!? What innocent people!? The rapist who was in your office a couple of hours ago... the Russian mobster, the pedophile you successfully defended... TELL ME!
Eli Gould: I can't! Please, I can't think...
John Doe: You can't because there is nobody. You only represent those who will feed your wallet. How many times have you had the opportunity to actually help a victim, but refused because it didn't benefit you? How many sacrifices have you ever made?
— Se7en: Greed
Film — Live-Action
"A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns."
— Vito Corleone, The Godfather
"You're personally invested in your client. Their life is in your hands. Both pass, trust me."
— Hank Palmer, The Judge
Literature
Life is very tenacious in these lawyers.
Skitter: I sort of arranged to have a psychopath kill herself. Um. However you’d charge putting maggots in someone’s eyeballs. In self-defense.
Quinn Calle: I see. And any other charges that might catch us by surprise?
Skitter: Premeditated murder. Of a law enforcement officer.
Quinn Calle: ...Alright, then. Believe it or not, I’ve handled worse.
Quinn Calle: I see. And any other charges that might catch us by surprise?
Skitter: Premeditated murder. Of a law enforcement officer.
Quinn Calle: ...Alright, then. Believe it or not, I’ve handled worse.
— Worm
Boyce had successfully defended traitors, terrorists, inside traders, politicians, mobsters, blackmailers, polluters, toxic-waste dumpers, cheats, insurance frauds, drug dealers, horse dopers, televangelists, hucksters, society wife batterers, cybermonopolists, and even fellow lawyers. An eminent legal scholar who wore bow ties commented on public television that if Shameless Baylor had defended Adolf Eichmann after he had been kidnapped and brought to Israel and tried for crimes against humanity, Eichmann would have been not only acquitted, but awarded damages. It was not said admiringly.
— No Way to Treat a First Lady
Live-Action TV
"When the going gets tough, you don't want a criminal lawyer... you want a criminal lawyer."
—Jesse Pinkman, Breaking Bad
Henry Reagan: "If you need a shark, hire a great white."
Jack Boyle: That sounds like Erin.
Henry: She used a few other words I won't repeat.
Jack Boyle: That sounds like Erin.
Henry: She used a few other words I won't repeat.
— Blue Bloods, "Framed"
Jessica: And you're repping who?
Jeri: The dancer, of course.
Jessica: The poor, brain-damaged dancer. And?
Jeri: ...Other parties interested in Spheeris' property.
Jessica: Phew. I questioned my whole worldview for a second there.
Jeri: The dancer, of course.
Jessica: The poor, brain-damaged dancer. And?
Jeri: ...Other parties interested in Spheeris' property.
Jessica: Phew. I questioned my whole worldview for a second there.
— Jessica Jones (2015), "Ladies' Night"
Maurice "Maury" Levy: You are amoral, are you not? You are feeding off the violence and the despair of the drug trade. You are stealing from those who themselves are stealing the lifeblood from our city. You are a parasite who leeches off...
Omar: Just like you, man.
Levy: ...the culture of drugs— Excuse me? What?!
Omar: I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. It's all in the game though, right?
Omar: Just like you, man.
Levy: ...the culture of drugs— Excuse me? What?!
Omar: I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. It's all in the game though, right?
— The Wire, "All Prologue"
"You are the kind of lawyer guilty people hire."
— Betsy Kettleman to the title character, Better Call Saul ("Uno")
"Why should I listen to anything you say? I despise you. You, and everything you represent — and when I say 'represent' and 'thing', I do mean your clients."
— Kate Lockely, Angel ("Sanctuary")
"Why should you go to jail for a crime someone else... noticed?"
— Bob Loblaw TV spot, Arrested Development
"It's okay. I'm used to the callous attitude mortals have towards vampires. I'm used to wandering the earth — reviled, hunted, hated. That's why I became a lawyer."
— Alan Decker, She-Wolf of London
"Walter never told me how lucky he was. Clearly his taste in women is the same as his taste in lawyers: only the very best, with just a right amount of dirty."
— Saul Goodman, Breaking Bad ("Abiquiu")
"Don't drink and drive. But if you do, call me."
— Saul Goodman, Breaking Bad ("To'hajiilee")
"There's a reason that Shakespeare, and many after him, said 'First, kill all the lawyers.' They're talking about people like me, Jerry, not you."
— Alan Shore, Boston Legal
"Wait, you were a demon and a lawyer? Insert joke here."
— Paige Halliwell, Charmed
"Don't get addicted to remorse. It's contemptible in a lawyer. The world does not revolve around you. Your behavior is not its moral center. Someday someone may sit in judgment on this legal system and say it could have been fairer or more compassionate or more responsive to social need. Maybe it'll be me, but not while I'm a criminal defense lawyer. While I'm a lawyer I'm going to defend my clients because it's the job I chose. And I choose to believe, which may be self-deceiving, that the only system worse than this one, is every other one I've ever studied. What I'm not going to do is be a lawyer by day and then scratch the scabs on my conscience by pretending to be a moral pathfinder by night. I don't know if Charles Galbraith got what's coming to him. If he didn't, maybe he'll get prostate cancer and that'll even the score. I don't know if this kid I'm defending is guilty or innocent. And I don't need to know to do my job. That's all we are here to do. And if we do it right, that's enough."
— Ted Hoffman, Murder One, season one, episode 3
Blackadder: I remember Massingbird's most famous case: the Case of the Bloody Knife. A man was found next to a murdered body. He had the knife in his hand. 13 witnesses had seen him stab the victim. And when the police arrived, he said "I'm glad I killed the bastard." Massingbird not only got him off; he got him knighted in the New Year's Honours List. And the relatives of the victim had to pay to wash the blood out of his jacket!
Perkins: I hear he's a dab hand at the prosecution as well, sir.
Blackadder: Yes, well, look at Oscar Wilde.
Perkins: Ol' butch Oscar.
Blackadder: Yep! Big, bearded, bonking, butch Oscar. The terror of the ladies. 114 illegitimate children, world heavyweight boxing champion and author of the best-selling pamphlet "Why I Like To Do It With Girls." And Massingbird had him sent down for being a whoopsie.
Perkins: I hear he's a dab hand at the prosecution as well, sir.
Blackadder: Yes, well, look at Oscar Wilde.
Perkins: Ol' butch Oscar.
Blackadder: Yep! Big, bearded, bonking, butch Oscar. The terror of the ladies. 114 illegitimate children, world heavyweight boxing champion and author of the best-selling pamphlet "Why I Like To Do It With Girls." And Massingbird had him sent down for being a whoopsie.
Blackadder Goes Forth, "Corporal Punishment".
Stand-up Comedy
"What is on Kobe's mind? Going to Colorado, around all these white people, and not bringing Johnnie Cochran? 'Well,' then they say, 'but if you call Johnny Cochrane, you look guilty!' Yeah, but you going home! You want to look innocent in jail? I’d rather look guilty in the mall!"
— Chris Rock on Kobe Bryant's statutory rape case
Tabletop Game
Well, there are fifteen witnesses who say it was you, and the Watch caught you in the act. Other than that, I don’t think they have a case against you.
— Litigant, Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay: Career Compendium - The Ultimate Career Reference
Theatre
Look for the blood in the water
Read your Thomas Hobbes
Only spineless snobs
Will quarrel with the 'morally dubious' jobs
Yes, blood in the water
Your scruples are a flaw
You're nothing until
The thrill of the kill
Becomes your only law!
Read your Thomas Hobbes
Only spineless snobs
Will quarrel with the 'morally dubious' jobs
Yes, blood in the water
Your scruples are a flaw
You're nothing until
The thrill of the kill
Becomes your only law!
— Prof. Callahan, Legally Blonde: The Musical
"Yeah, you heard of Ethel Rosenberg. Maybe even read about her in the history books. Well, if it wasn't for me, Joe, Ethel Rosenberg would be alive today, writing some personal advice column for Ms. magazine. She isn't. Because during the trial, Joe, I was on the phone every day talking with the judge. Every day, doing what I do best: talking on the telephone. Making sure that that timid Yid nebbish on the bench did his duty to America, to history. That sweet, unprepossessing woman, two kids, boo-hoo-hoo, reminded us all of our little Jewish mamas. She came this close to getting life. I pleaded 'til I wept to put her in the chair. Me, I did that."
— Roy Cohn, Angels in America
If justice is blind, then I will guide her
To declare everyone guilty, I simply cannot err
To preserve my perfect record, I will do what I must
No place in court for truth, peace, order, or trust
And perhaps some didn't do it, innocent they may have been
But my cases are all perfect, and I'll do anything to win!
To declare everyone guilty, I simply cannot err
To preserve my perfect record, I will do what I must
No place in court for truth, peace, order, or trust
And perhaps some didn't do it, innocent they may have been
But my cases are all perfect, and I'll do anything to win!
— Manfred von Karma, Turnabout Musical
All thieves who could my fees afford,
Relied on my orations,
And many a burglar I've restored
To his friends and his relations!
Relied on my orations,
And many a burglar I've restored
To his friends and his relations!
—The Judge on his days as a lawyer, "When I, Good Friends, Was Called To The Bar", Trial by Jury
Visual Novels
"Sorry, maybe I wasn't clear enough, but a guilty verdict is all that matters to me. No matter what the cost. I'm a prodigy among prosecutors. Always have been, always will be."
— Jacques Portsman, Ace Attorney Investigations
Franziska: Then, you mean to say that you knew he was not the real Yatagarasu... ...and that he was just another cold-blooded killer? And you were ready to defend him!?
Yew: Yes, that's right.
Yew: Yes, that's right.
Webcomics
Annie: How to put this... How in good conscience can you defend people who, realistically, have most likely done such awful things?
Pete: It’s not about that. The state is trying to lock someone in a cage against their will. It has huge resources at its disposal. The defendant has me. The state doesn’t get to lock up citizens if it can’t establish guilt within the law. I’m there to make sure the rules are followed.
Annie: Hmmm.
Pete: That guy was found guilty. After the fact, I’m glad he got put away. But more glad that it was done by the book, and not by abuse of power.
GM: So... Is this a hint or something?
Pete: It’s not about that. The state is trying to lock someone in a cage against their will. It has huge resources at its disposal. The defendant has me. The state doesn’t get to lock up citizens if it can’t establish guilt within the law. I’m there to make sure the rules are followed.
Annie: Hmmm.
Pete: That guy was found guilty. After the fact, I’m glad he got put away. But more glad that it was done by the book, and not by abuse of power.
GM: So... Is this a hint or something?
Shakespeare's character said, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers". He was talking about undermining the rule of law, which is what keeps our society working. When lawyers take advantage of how a law is written in a way that is obviously unfair, the rule of law is also weakened. Then it's up to us to fix it before people lose faith in the system and take things into their own hands.
— Acting Mayor of Planet Jean, Freefall
Web Original
"Nice to have you here, Miriam”, welcomed Davina. “Although I fear you may be doubly unpopular tonight. Not only are you married to a politician, but you’re also a lawyer!” The audience booed.
The defendant said that prior to the occurrence of this offense, he hoped to attend medical school and become a physician. However, he believes with a felony conviction, he cannot achieve this goal. He is now considering becoming a lawyer.
— Phoenix Wright, Dumb Lawyer Quotes IRL but in Ace Attorney
Oh! I defend murderers all the time! I love those little guys! I'm a big advocate for murder.
— Liza Lots, Scott The Woz
Western Animation
"What were you thinking?! People could have died! Before billable services were rendered!"
— Harvey, Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
"And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state — often as a lawyer!"
— Lionel Hutz, The Simpsons
