Quotes / All in the Family

Archie Bunker: Women was put here to serve two purposes: Makin' meals and babies.

Mike Stivic: Oh, there you go again with that 19th Century thinkin' of yours!

Archie Bunker: Well, it's true! I mean, take a look at yer cavewomen. Why do ya think yer cavewomen was created with short legs and fat butts?

beat

Mike Stivic: I dunno, Arch, but I'm sure you have a good answer.

Archie Bunker: I'll tell ya: It's so it'd be easier for the men to catch them so they'd force them to make the meals and the babies.

Mike Stivic: Well, were there any cavewomen with long legs and skinny butts?

Archie Bunker: Them the men would have to bring down with a rock

Mike Stivic: Now I'm starting to catch on. And how about the cavemen with short legs and skinny butts who couldn't catch any women?

beat

Archie Bunker: They was probably yer first fags.

Archie Bunker: running down the stairs Hey, hey, hey...You're in my chair, Maude!

Maude Findlay: So?

Archie Bunker: I'm gonna sit in my chair.

Maude Findlay: Oh?

Archie Bunker: Are you gonna get outta my chair?

Maude Findlay: No!

Archie Bunker: Oh, Maude...If you don't get outta that chair, y'know, I know something that'll make you very upset!

Edith Bunker: Archie, please-!

Archie Bunker: Stay outta this, now, Edith! Now, c'mon, Maude, last chance. You gonna get outta there?

Maude Findlay: Get lost!

Archie Bunker: Oh, ho, ho...I'll lay down this little lady right away. Here we go... THIS COUNTRY WAS RUINED BY FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT!!!

Maude Findlay: Slowly turns her head to face Archie You're fat.

Archie Bunker: That ain't the American Way, buddy, no siree! Listen here, professor: You're the one who needs an American history lesson! You don't know nothin' about Lady Liberty standin' there in the harbor! With her torch on high! Screamin' out to all the nations in the world! "Send me your poor, your deadbeats, your filthy!" And all the nations send 'em in here, they come swarming in like ants! Your Spanish P.R.'s from the Caribbean, your Japs, your Chinamen, your Krauts, and your Hebes, and your English fags! All of 'em come in here, and they're all free to live in their own separate sections where they feel safe, and then bust your head if you go in there! THAT'S WHAT MAKES AMERICA GREAT, BUDDY!

exits Stivic house

Mike Stivic: [to Gloria] I think we just heard Archie Bunker's Bicentennial Minute.

Archie Bunker: You don't look like a Republican.

George Jefferson: What's a Republican supposed to look like?

Archie: I don't mean that. I just thought that Elanor Roosevelt turned all youse people into Democrats.

George: Well, not me, because the Elephant always seemed bigger and smarter than a Jackass.

Mike Stivic: Right now, there are a lot of Elephants that feel like Jackasses.