"Nobody in this world is innocent. We all have dirt beneath our fingernails, whether people see it or not."
—Cornox Vullosh, explaining the overall theme of the story—and the Legatum series as a whole.
Help Not Wanted: Remixed Phallic Memories in HD
(or simply Help Not Wanted 1.5) is a Low Fantasy web novel written by Tyk 5919. It serves as a sequel to Help Not Wanted and is the sixth entry in the Legatum series.
Two months after the events of the previous story, Grovmar, his brother, and two friends all decide to take on another contract to distract themselves from the heat waves in Glordale. After finding out that an orc chieftain's son was murdered, the four goblins head deep into the woods to investigate his death, and soon find themselves entangled in a conspiracy between two rival orc clans.
Has a sequel that takes place a few months later called Help Not Wanted 2: Frigid Fornication.
Help Not Wanted: Remixed Phallic Memories in HD provides examples of:
- All for Nothing: After allegedly beating and sodomizing his son, and unintenionally being the instigator behind Irklorz's actions, Dozvolok Karinik finds out that all he had to do form an alliance with the Crimson Blade tribe was to fight their chieftain one-on-one. When Dozvolok wins and Vullosh gives him "The Reason You Suck" Speech, he breaks down sobbing, knowing in hindsight it was all pointless.
- Bestiality Is Depraved: After Groshlar has sex with Lornokvak, he jokingly mentions how they can get married, live on a farm, and milk cows and goats to make cheese. Lornokvak tells Groshlar that they can milk horses—something he used to do all the time. Cue Groshlar silently walking away from him in disgust.
- Big Bad: Irklorz, who killed Dellarko, framed the Crimson Blade tribe, and tried to start a war between the Black Seed and Crimson Blade tribe in a twisted attempt to rebuild both communities from scratch.
- Bittersweet Ending: Chieftain Karinik avenges his son's death, the four goblins are rewarded with bribe money, Vullosh decides to join the goblins back to Layric Town, and the Black Seed and Crimson Blade tribes finally form a peace treaty. But Vullosh and the goblins all know that Dozvolok may or may have sexually assaulted his son—the former of whom leaves the Black Seed tribe in disgust. Dozvolok has to live knowing he indirectly got his son killed, Bunng has to live knowing he let Borlack get away with masterminding the conspiracy, and it's implied Bunng is suffering from PTSD.
- Bring My Brown Pants: Played for Drama. Bunng pisses himself twice while having nightmares about his harrowing experiences with Ogrell Syn'Gorrsh. It's not humorous in the slightest, and gets to a point where Bunng is self-conscious about and snaps at Krum after he catches him wetting his shorts the first time.
- Cast Full of Gay: Even moreso than the last story. On top of starring the same four homosexual goblins from before, several side characters are revealed to be openly gay and even have sex onscreen.
- Continuity Nod:
- It's mentioned multiple times that Grosh got injured from taking an arrow to the chest. This happened during the climax of Help Not Wanted, where he got shot with a crossbow protecting Grovmar.
- Groshlar still has and uses Ogrell's crossbow that he stole from him after the ogre died.
- After Groshlar shits himself in front of orcs in chapter 3, Grovmar tells the orcs that soiling your britches is a form of defense that they learned from an "ogre friend" as a form of driving away predators. Said ogre was Ogrell Syn'Gorrsh, who intentionally shat himself to avoid being eaten by a wyvern.
- Chieftain Karinik confesses that he—and various members of his tribe and the Crimson Blade tribe—used to be part of King Chorn Torgash's army. Krumvell immediately gets upset by this revelation, as Karinik also confesses some of the orcs used to rape and/or murder hundreds of innocents while in the army. The Road to Hell... confirms that yes, Karinik is telling the truth and is not exaggerating.
- Curb-Stomp Battle: What happens when four goblins try to take on a vicious werebear who is three times their sizes and weighs five times as much as they do? They're beaten to a bloody pulp and almost killed—even with the help of a orc Kung-Fu Wizard.
- Defeat Means Friendship: After Chieftaink Karinik beats Chieftain Ordacoz during their duel in chapter 8, he offers him his hand as opposed to sodomizing him. Ordacoz begrudingly takes it, and decides to finally form an alliance with the Black Seed tribe, admired by his strength.
- Disproportionate Retribution:
- Groshlar, frustrated from the heat, abuses and tries to kill an elf for littering.
- In chapter 3, Grovmar smacks orc child Orkonlli in the head with a log because he was tired of being insulted by him.
- Eye Scream:
- Irklroz mentions in chapter 5 that he used to execute uncooperative civilians in Kosslivo by gouging out their eyeballs.
- In chapter 7, Herizar is stabbed in one eye and has the other one maimed with fire magic. The same chapter ends with Irklorz fatally getting stabbed in both eyes.
- Chapter 8 has Chieftain Ordacoz biting down on Chieftain Karinik's left eye socket during their duel.
- Greater-Scope Villain: Chapter 8 reveals that Borlack knew everything going on in the Black Seed tribe. He was the one who told Irklorz that Dozvolok raped his son, and when Irklorz tried to go after the chieftain, Borlack told him to kill his son instead—thus setting off the plot. He also instructed Herizar to murder Lornokvak after Irklorz framed him for the crime, and to kill any witnesses in Irklorz's way.
- Grey-and-Gray Morality: Unlike the previous story, there's no clear "good" or "bad" guy.
- The "villains" are Irklorz and Borlack, the former of whom was so disgusted over the way Chieftain Karinik treated his son that he decided to murder Karinik's son as revenge and tried to start a war in hopes that two tribes will go to war and rebuild with a new chieftain and better rules and regulations. Borlack, meanwhile, hardly does anything malicious, but he's the one who told Irklorz that the chieftain (allegedly) raped Dellarko, thus prompting Irklorz to take revenge. But when Bunng figures out that Borlack masterminded the whole thing, he chose to simply bribe Bunng and persuade him to stop looking for answers, as opposed to immediately murdering him and his friends.
- The "heroes" are a group of self-serving, rude, disgusting goblins who only got involved with the plot simply to distract themselves from a heat wave and to earn some extra cash. As they investigate Dellarko's murder, they contemplate if it's even worth the hassle, given that Dellarko—and many of the orcs—all have violent histories and used to be former soldiers, murderers, and rapists. Nevertheless, they're still trying to help the Black Seed and Crimson Blade tribes, and eventually find Dellarko's murderer, and discover that Chieftain Karinik possibly sexually abused him. That being said, given that they care more about getting paid and their self-preservation, the goblins all take bribe money from Borlack and leave the village without even bothering to expose Karinik of what he's done.
- Groin Attack: After throwing Grovmar through a window, Orkonlli further abuses the goblin by dropping a log on his crotch. Grovmar receives several cuts on his face and chest and has to spend the rest of the day resting on a table with ice on his crotch.
- Hotter and Sexier: There's more explicit sex scenes in this story compared to the previous one, and more emphasis on the various attractive, shirtless, muscle-bound orcs the goblins run into.
- Insult Backfire: At the end of chapter 3, some orcs tell Groshlar that he (and goblins in general) are only good at stinking up the world. He embraces this insult by squatting down and defecating in his shorts, before shamelessly telling the orcs to get a whiff of him afterwards.
- Karma Houdini: Borlack secretly orchestrated most of the events in the story. When Bunng figures it out, Borlack offers the goblin bribe money. He takes it and let's Borlack go free, keeping the information to himself.
- Noodle Incident:
- Grovmar mentions that one of the contracts he and his friends took involved saving a sorcerer from cyclops shit. Bunng straight up tells him not to remind him of said incident.
- An orc named Lornokvak mentions that he used to "milk horses." Groshlar figures out what he was implying immediately and walks away.
- Plot-Triggering Death: Dellarko Karinik's death, and the goblins finding out about said death via contract, is what kicks off the main plot.
- Potty Failure:
- Invoked. Near the end of chapter 3, a group of orcs tell Groshlar that goblins are only good at "stinkin' up the world." So he decides to shit himself in front of them just to gross them out further.
- Invoked again in chapter 4, where Krumvell pisses his shorts in front of Ordacoz to disgust him—and to point out that his tribe does the same thing for the same nonchalant reasons.
- Refuge in Audacity: It's as prevalent in this story as much as the previous one. Most notable is when Grovmar bashes a ten-year-old orc in the head with a log just because he wouldn't stop teasing and insulting him.
- Screw This, I'm Outta Here: When Vullosh finds out that Chieftain Karinik might've humiliated and sodomized his son, and he refuses to confirm or deny the implications, Vullosh leaves the Black Seed tribe, believing that the tribe can't function properly with someone like Karinik leading it.
- Sins of Our Fathers: Chapter 7 reveals that Dozvolok finally convinced Dellarko into marrying Mirnetta—by beating him in a fight and allegedly sodomizing him, threatening to do it again if he didn't comply with his wishes. Wanting to punish the chieftain, Irklorz murdered Dellarko.
- Take That!: The title is very obviously a jab at the overly-long, seemingly cryptic titles in the Kingdom Hearts series.
- Toilet Humour:
- When the goblins think they've encountered a monster in the woods, Krumvell asks the gang if they hear something suspicious, at which point he breaks wind in front of them all to relieve the tension.
- Groshlar soils himself in chapter 3 solely to disgust the orcs who told him that goblins are always stinking up the world.
- Wham Line:
- The very last line in chapter 2 confirms that someone (or multiple parties) are pulling the strings behind Dellarko's murder.
Grovmar: "You posted a contract saying you need help from freelancers! Why would you be suspicious of us?!"Cornox Vullosh: "You fools. I never posted any contract!"- Also this line after the fight between Irklorz and the heroes in chapter 7, which raises even more questions regarding the Black Seed chieftain.
Irklorz: "You gonna tell 'em you fucked your son?" - Word Salad Title: The title is very reminiscent of the various long titles from the Kingdom Hearts games. It's implied this was done intentionally.
