- I shall create fake building plans showing large fake airvents going into all my important structures. Every fake airvent path will eventually require the hero to drop straight down to another level of the vents. I will use a hologram to cover the fact that once someone drops to that level it narrows significantly. The hologram will also detect that it's been breached, close the lid back up and flood that section with regular anasthetic/deathgas/whatever. My real airvents will be small and built into the walls.
- I will read the Fake Difficulty and Unwinnable pages, including the examples for inspiration, carefully and implement everything. Also, read Platform Hell if I happen to be in that sort of game. Also, any other related pages to those three.
- Even if it grants me great power and freedom, I will not build or use a device that can digitize my brain and let me loose in cyberspace/transfer me to a robot.
- If and when I finally become lord of my desired domain, and I wish to expand my empire, I will not randomly pick out a country and attack it blindly; instead, I will study each of my options carefully, learning everything about them as I can, then pick out the ones that would most benefit me in its subjugation and open up diplomatic and trade negotiations with them. Once I have used those negotiations to undermine their economy and political standing, and make them dependent on my exports to live, I will quietly annex them into the empire.
- I will invest in natural, renewable resources to power my evil factories and machines. Smoke-billowing industrial wastelands may be thematically appropriate, but even I'm not immune to the health hazards their pollution causes, and it's far easier to just build another set of fusion reactors or wind generators than to find another source of oil or coal.
- I will hire a team of crack forensic scientists and crime scene cleanup personnel to advise me on how to cover my tracks and plant convincingly fake evidence implicating someone else of my latest evil scheme.
- As part of my effort to stay an Equal Opportunity Evil Overlord, I will not be repulsed by or deny admittance into my squad for the unusual quirks or beliefs of potential henchmen/allies, no matter how socially/morally disturbing. However, unless they would prove useful in my latest scheme, I must insist that they practice said quirks/beliefs during their own free time and not on duty, and to be respectful of those of everyone else under my thrall. After all, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone I don't want hurt, I see no reason why my cannibalistic, necrophiliac Satan-worshiping underling can't brush up on his rituals of the flesh in his quarters, and it would be hypocritical and unbecoming of me to refuse him that privilege while I'm ensuring Fluffy the Terrible has his daily meal of fresh peasants.
- If I come into an incredible source of power or technology that can be internalized, I will not use it immediately to transform myself into a god. Instead, I will take it back to my lab and have it analyzed thoroughly for any potential harmful side effects that could jeopardize my sanity, health, or standing, then find countermeasures to them, if any. If it turns out I cannot counteract the negative side effects, or there are too many to counteract, I will destroy it immediately. Under no circumstance shall I leave it for my enemies to find; even if it takes out one or all of them with its corrupting influence, chances are they'll be able to use it to take me out, first.
- I will not be a Slave to PR; how I will act and appear before the public eye will be based solely on how such action would be the most beneficial to my plans at the time. Not only will this leave me open to myriad more options to achieve my goals than usual, it'll also confuse the hell out of my PR-shackled enemies and rivals, preventing them from predicting my next course of action and rallying a revolt against me among the (most likely equally confuddled) masses.
- Any giant robot I send after the heroes will have a giant red eye on the part of its body furthest from any kind of critical system.
- If I have a system of teleporters between my evil lairs, they will have surveillance systems. If someone unauthorised steps in them, they'll get a nice one way ticket to the surface of the sun.
- I will never try to steal the power of a god.
- I will never possess someone, especially not the hero's best friend. It always ends poorly.
- If I have the hero cornered, I will not hesitate to tell him or her the exact and complete details of my evil plan, up to and including pointing to a door behind which the most important and delicate part of my plan lies. Let's face it; with today's spy technology, computer hackers, and sneaky heroes, it's almost certain that they're going to be aware of the general gist of the situation. I will, however, neglect to tell them that the most important and delicate part of my plan includes the team of heroes vaporizing themselves when they try to turn off or destroy my
oversized lava lamp"force field generator". - All ceremonies celebrating my ascent to godhood, marriage to the brainwashed princess, or assumption of a powerful magical artifact will take place after I've actually done so. Preferably by several months.
- If my plans keep failing beyond my tolerance, I will cheat. Who says only the heroes can GameShark and Godmode their way past annoying obstacles?
- Most teenage heroes, no matter what they claim, (especially if Japanese) will follow the dictates of their family, school, and society. I am a villain. I can manipulate those dictates. Upon learning that a legendary band of teenagers can defeat me, I will make sure their parents suddenly get great paying jobs in other cities. Also, I will take full advantage of the apparent fact that teenage heroes find it mandatory to follow society and go their own ways after graduating High School. Again, I'll make sure they get jobs far, far away from each other and the original location so none of that pesky "mentor" business.
- On the off chance I find a good genie, I will free him. That way he won't be available for the heroes. Before I free him, I will wish for him to never directly or indirectly help anyone harm or defeat me, ever. Only with that in place (in writing, I think) will I then free him.
- If I find a truly evil genie (as opposed to a Literal Genie or one who is good but forced to obey), I will find a random cave with no Death Traps, put the lamp in it (on an altar so it looks important and can't be missed), and then bribe the local government to rename it "The Ancient Cave of Wonders". Make sure the heroes know about it and find it, and then just wait for my problems to solve themselves.
- In any situation where a number of wishes are granted for me, I will use all the wishes immediately, so as to avoid making accidental wishes with negative consequences. In the event that I have fewer wishes prepared than the number offered, I will make my wishes and then say "I wish for this statement to be a wish" repeatedly until my wishes are expended.
- I will politely ask the genie if I'm allowed to wish for more wishes. If the answer is no, I will wish for more genies.
- I will not leave keys, weapons and medical supplies lying around my base for the heroes to find and use. That's just stupid.
- If any of my underlings proposes their own plan to destroy the heroes/conquer the planet/etc., they will be instructed to take their proposal to a crack R&D team; that team, in turn, will be instructed only to outright reject proposals that, after all reasonable fine-tuning to them has been exhausted, are simply too costly or unreliable compared to the possible advantage gained. I will of course have the final say on which proposals will be accepted or not, but creativity and refinement will be emphasized with all plans submitted. At the very least, the illusion given that I actually care about my minions' little pet projects will keep them from turning against me in an attempt to prove "it'll really work, honest".
- If one of these schemes is good enough to implement, the minion behind it will be right there by my side while it's carried out, and receive full credit for their idea. Not only will it encourage further innovation among the ranks, but it'll paint him as the target instead of me when someone comes to thwart the scheme and keep me from looking like a General Failure if the plan goes to hell in a hand-basket.
- Especially if said minion is family. Nothing bonds a father and child better than a Take Your Child to Work Day where you both get to focus on all of the fun parts of being an Evil Overlord.
- I will encourage a strong sense of camaraderie amongst my legions of terror, especially my Quirky Miniboss Squad. Won't the heroes be surprised when a posse ten thousand strong puts The Power of Friendship on my side?
- I will encourage Minion Shipping, and even be open to advances from my subordinates. Not only will it bring us The Power of Love, but it'll also keep me from even being tempted to try seducing the hero's significant other. After all, the Dark Action Girl has more to offer me, and trying to keep up with her is more fun anyhow.
- I will, however, remember that although eternal love and devotion are nice, they are not the same as eternal loyalty.
- Whenever possible, I should be in a position where I don't have to cover anything up, but if I absolutely have to kill someone in order to cover something up, then overkill is the way to go. So, Mister Great Detective, how do you plan to recover the briefcase from the embassy when it, your informant, the city the embassy was in, and vast areas of the surrounding landscape are all radioactive ash?
- If I need to thwart the hero's progress, I'll use obstacles that are bafflingly un-obstacle-like when possible. They'll thwart the hero's progress longer if he can't tell they're thwarting his progress.
- If I am the ruler of my own country, planet or solar system, then I will make sure that my military is loyal to me and competent enough to avoid certain mistakes common in fiction.
- I will remember that new media is not (inherently) evil.
- Also, I will keep a blog to share my personal opinions on matters. It's good for PR. What I post will not necessarily reflect what I actually think or feel on the subject, however.
- I will periodically send my assassins to kill random conspiracy nuts in suspicious-looking ways. There is little danger that they will find out about my plans and no one would have believed them anyway, but the heroes will be convinced that they were killed for what they knew and will get so wrapped up in trying to foil my diabolical plan to give all trees epilepsy that my real plans will go unchallenged. Plus it gives my assassins something to do.
- I will double-check the tinfoil hat theories before killing the tinfoil hatter that came up with them. If it's not something I want people to believe, has nothing to do with me, or seems like something I might want to implement in the near future, the crazy guy gets hired. It's important to think outside the box.
- Explosive gas containers will be stored within metal cages as OSHA standards would require.
- I will not, however stress-relieving it is, practice my golf driving shot with puppies. This extends to all possible interpretations of the phrase. The puppies will not be the ball, the clubs, offering advice, or even present. Dogs are under no circumstances allowed on my fairways.
- If I am the most powerful being in the universe and am fighting the hero in personal combat, I will not hold back my true power or give him a handicap of any kind just to make things interesting.
- Satisfying as it may be to humiliate my enemies, I will not demand that they kneel at my feet. It always goes downhill from there.
- The Smash Mook and the Mighty Glacier will not be provided with melee weapons. They will take advantage of their strength by dual-wielding flamethrowers. Not the realistic kind, but the kind that fires in a wide cone. And they will only guard hallways. Dodge that, hero.
- I will observe the hero's habits and try doing some research on him/her. If s/he is one of those heroes who doesn't even try to dodge incoming fire in a dramatic scene, I will always try to create as much drama as possible and shoot towards him once to save ammo.
- If I have a super weapon that I don't have to worry about the ammo for, I'll freaking use it.
- I will give my minions armor that actually does something, and I will wear the same armor to confuse my enemy.
- I will hire a comedian to make sure my one liners are damn funny so that I can kill my enemies while they're laughing.
- If a twentieth century British police box appears out of nowhere, I will summarily drop whatever plans I have and make myself scarce. Said plans are almost certainly going to be thwarted.
- If I turn a named good guy into a mindless drone, either through mind control or more... invasive methods, I will make sure any superfluous memories and emotions are permanently obliterated. If I cannot do this without making them mindless, I will give them identity-concealing helmets and ship them to a Throw-Away Country for life. I will never under any circumstances order them to kill their friends.
- My organization will NOT have any sinister sounding words such as "Doom" or "Evil" in its title. This would only be a dead giveaway to both the heroes and common masses, and cause recruiting problems.
- Any magical lands with overly cute inhabitants will be destroyed by nuclear missiles launched from a distant location. Even the sweetest-looking may be home to a potential hero or his allies.
- One of my trusted lieutenants will be a leading folklore expert familiar with obscure stories from across the globe. There's no reason that Genre Savviness should be exclusive to Western and Japanese media. This especially applies if All Myths Are True.
- If a prophecy tells me that my child will eventually kill me, and if I have children anyway, I will always treat them with kindness and love, and teach them to agree with my cause wholeheartedly, not just follow them. I will not disown them, try to kill them, or mistreat them in any way. That way, when their actions inevitably kill me, it will be an accident, and they will carry on my legacy.
- I will not favor any ethnic group or culture over any others in my empire. While the idea of an unstoppable master race may have its appeal and members of such race would be more likely to have my undying support, this will only encourage otherwise pacifist groups to actively join the rebellion.
- A Power And Skill Threshold for minions will be established. If a Leeroy Jenkins or other incompetent shows himself, I will check his or her place on the Power Chart. If he or she scores above or very close to the Power Threshold, I will employ the above method of mind control to prevent such incompetence. If they score below the Power Threshold, I will have them immediately dunked in electrified acid.
- If I have achieved supreme power and/or mastery over the very nature of reality, I will endeavour to transform myself into a cute Japanese girl, assuming I am not one already. This will ensure that the worst I will get after my inevitable defeat is tea time with the heroine.
- If I ever want to keep a diary, it will be encrypted in a code no one besides me knows, and there will be no crucial information, which means no plans, names, dates, sites or information regarding anything that could be used to bring me down.
- I will not play MMORPG's. They're addictive, so I'd take up all my time playing RuneScape or World of Warcraft or Neverwinter Nights and I'd never do any ruling.
- I will never, ever, let one person do all my ruling for me. Then I'm not the one who's the evil overlord.
- If I have to sign huge piles of papers, I will read all of them. It takes a long time, but it's a worthy trade-off for making sure my minions aren't trying to sneak something past me. Also, if I want something written, like a letter or a proclamation, I will dictate it myself. If anything at least as advanced as a typewriter is present in the setting, and my typing skills are such that I don't have to spend three minutes looking for each key, I will write it myself.
- If there is only one person who can do something, like work a certain metal or cast a certain spell, I will offer them employment with me. If they refuse, I will send guards to make sure that they come to no harm, and that the hero can't avail himself of their services. If the guards fail, I will coat them with honey... no, actually, good guards are too hard to come by. Screw it, I'll coat them anyway; if they failed, they obviously aren't good enough.
- I will never assume that someone is stupid just because they don't know something, like basic mathematics or how to spell a certain word. They may know a lot of things I may just need.
- I will ensure that all punishments within my empire fit the crime. Nothing inspires a rebellion like the death penalty for ripping off a mattress tag. Minor crimes WILL NOT be punishable by death... or torture... or an ass whuppin. Rape, kidnapping, and murder (or the attempt to do any of these) may result in harsh punishment, but you won't get the shit kicked out of you for stealing an apple.
- Whenever I kill an incompetent assassin, I will endeavor to keep his or her fate a mystery, and order a full security audit, to find out how said assassin was able to breach the outer layer of defences. I will consider pretending to have died or been gravely wounded while I sort out who is responsible for this.
- I will have at least 3 snipers hidden in various locations while I'm out making public appearances. Guarding these snipers will be a large group of soldiers. I will not deny my mortality and the fact that everyone in a high ranking position has at least 1 person who wants them dead.
- If anyone attempts to kill me they will be tortured for the rest of their life in a prison in the coldest place on the planet. Combine with the fact that I'll be considered the best ruler ever (from the above) there will be no reason for anyone to ever attempt to kill me.
- I will be very modest. I will regularly talk about God being my lord (regardless of if I'm trying to steal a holy artifact and become a god myself). This may keep people from suspecting me of being the evil demon ravaging the world.
- I will have my scientists work on projects that would benefit the people (curing cancer and AIDs, breeding plants to grow in a very short time and continue to produce all year round). Who would want to kill the guy who gave you the crop that put an end to world hunger?
- While I understand that any minions that work for me are likely to be evil, I'll make it very clear that when I say I want a specific girl killed, I do NOT want them to go all lecherous when they get her. My minions will understand that if I ever find any of my men with a girl who 'is going to die anyway, so we can have some fun first', they will have the body part they were thinking with forcibly removed. If they just do the job I told them to and come back on the other hand, they'll get a coupon for the Red Light district as a bonus.
- All my guards will be trained by Ex-Spetznaz agents and MMA fighters. Should they be disarmed they will still be able to beat their assailant.
- My town guards won't be sociopathic assholes who bother people just because they have weapons and are the servants of the leader.
- Burning fields and slaughtering cattle is a very visible way to show how evil I am. But I will bear in mind that not only does it help draw allies for the hero, doing it too often can wreak havoc on the economy and cause famine. I will instruct my legions accordingly.
- I will make sure that I get lots of exercise. That does count dancing or doing star jumps to popular music. To save face, any music that has people cringing, or a song that more than five people don't like, will not be used. But, they will not be allowed to tell ME what I can do!
- I will always care for the peasants in my kingdom. That means I will ensure that they are all well-fed and they aren't whipped or beaten by anyone in my employment. A happy worker is an industrious worker, not to mention one that's not plotting my downfall.
- I will make it a habit to allow peasants more opportunity in my administration in politics and military, since history has taught us that nobles are always corrupt dicks who will try to usurp you and clergymen are always going to extort money and privileges out of you so the best bet is to have a generation of commissioned officers and politicians who actually earned their positions rather than have a generation of pampered and spoiled morons who don't have the slightest idea of what they're doing
- I will do my best to discover what the hero's favorite books or movies are, then pay close attention the actions of said works. That way, I would be able to catch a Genre Savvy hero off guard.
- I will not rely on Gambit Roulette to fulfill my Evil Plan for world conquest. I will enact several plans at once, most of which will be Gambit Blackjack at worst. If, however, my urge to play roulette is uncontrollable, I will set up an elaborate, hero-attention-grabbing string of events. I expect this plan to fail, and its failure will lead to a secondary goal. Thus, while the hero is distracted trying to avoid my roulette, one of my other plans will have already paid off.
- Destroying the world (or the universe) as my ultimate goal? VERY bad idea. I will always remember that I am part of the world/universe, and even if I could survive its end, it's not very fun if I'm the only thing left.
- In keeping with my status as an Equal-Opportunity Overlord, I will hire a number of deaf or hearing-impaired minions to guard a particular area (what that area actually is irrelevant). That area will be fitted with a sonic-based attack system. While the heroes are lying on the floor with hands over their ears in pain, but before they think to shoot out the delivery system, the deaf minions will fill them full of lead. Simple.
- I will not underestimate the power of the Ermine Cape Effect, regardless of what I actually wear. As long as it's not in lieu of good leadership (the monarchies of France, Russia, and China), it's a great way to enhance my stature among my subjects.
- If I wear any such outfit that impedes movement it will break away if necessary. If it's puffy, this is a great way to hide extra weapons as well.
- I shall never drop a loaded gun on the floor for my enemy to pick up while I run up stairs. I shall take the loaded gun and shoot tied up enemy before running up stairs.
- If in charge of a galactic empire, I shall take into account the defense budget before designing super weapons. Good financial management lessens the risk of insurrection.
- In keeping with sensitivity training, I shall hire gays and lesbians into my Legions of Terror. However, if they are put on guard duty, I will instruct them to only guard members of the opposite sex. Bisexuals employed as part of my Legions of Terror will be put to more beneficial purposes, such as weapon maintenance.
- Now that all of the above has been established, I will stop talking to myself. It gives people the wrong idea.
- Before I become an evil overlord, I will first undergo psychological treatment to remove my conscience and useless emotions like love, empathy or guilt. That way I can commit ultimate evil acts to my heart's content.
- I will be aware of my emotions and take care to keep them in perspective as no emotion is useless. Each of them is a highly conditioned evolutionary response that helped ensure my species' survival for countless years
- I will not give my Doomsday Device a very obviously evil name, no matter how cool it sounds. It's much easier to pretend that Project X25 is just an orbital research station (as opposed to a Kill Sat) than it is to convince people that something called "The Worldslayer" is intended for peaceful purposes.
- I will remember the psychological benefit that can be had from giving completely harmless things intimidating names.
- If I am to employ tacticians for use in strategic battles, I will hire at least three of them, ensure that all three of them have no connections to each other, and have them constantly fight in mock battles with what I believe will be equivalent forces to what I expect will be fielded during the last stand.
- I shall wear white clothes that stain easily so as to invoke the Law of Chromatic Superiority upon bloodshed.
- If my enemy is a Parody Sue... I'm leaving that story. Dealing with that kind of character will be far more trouble than it's worth.
- I will keep in mind that heroes can read this list too and remain appropriately flexible in my planning.
- When someone is about to kill them, the majority of people will either beg for their lives, or break down completely. The minority will face their death with courage. Be careful of the minority.
- Even though We Have Reserves I will be Nice to the Waiter and try to minimize casualties.
- If the hero wants to topple me, he will face a Platform Hell challenge. Should he best me even then, there is no shame in fleeing, noting the hero's abilities, and rebuilding my Legions of Doom with the hero's strengths and weaknesses in mind-minimize the former, pick on the latter.
- Screw the Hague convention. My Legions of Doom will use poison-tipped ammunition. And they will always Shoot the Medic First.
- If I decide to place the hero into a simulated reality, it will be designed by Uwe Boll, Aaron Seltzer, and Jason Friedberg. The hero should go insane within minutes.
- I will make sure that the artifact that grants me immortality also grants me eternal youth, unless the army of replacement bodies or robots are already completed.
- If exactly one thing in the world/universe/whatever can harm me, I will assume that the hero will somehow gain the ability to use that one thing against me, and plan accordingly. The same goes for any minions I may have with this characteristic.
- I will most definitely be a Karma Houdini or an Anti-Villain.
- My ultimate weapon will be sock'em boppers.
- If I am in control of a modern nation like the United States, I will make sure that I firmly establish that I love NASA (or the equivalent there of) and inform people that my grand master plan is the various uses of space and other celestial bodies for world wide expansion. Plus, with increased space traffic, no one will notice the deployment of a Kill Sat or 20.
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