Funny / Year One

• When Zed and Oh are cornered by a hungry cougar.
  Zed: [Speaking under his breath] Whoaaaaa! It's a cougar! First thing is to show no fear! [Glances over at Oh, who's still terrified] You're showing fear.
  Oh: [Puts on a weak smile]
  Zed: Much better.
  Oh: What do we do?
  Zed: Well, some say stay. Others say to run.
  Oh: What are you gonna do?
  Zed: Me, I'm going to RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!! [Flees screaming, causing the cougar to leap and maul Oh]
• During a tense dinner with Cain's family, his father grills him about the whereabouts of his brother Abel, to which Cain spins lie after lie about Abel paying tributes, before getting fed up and storming off and almost admitting her murdered Abel.
  Cain: I'm not my brother's keeper, alright! [Storms off] I wish you were dead too! Even though Abel's not dead!
  • While Oh is stuck bunking with the family's developmentally challenged son (who insists on farting all night for literal shits and giggles), Zed gets to sleep with Lilith in the Biblical sense... Only to find she's a lesbian, not that he's smart enough to know what she's saying and keeps trying.
    Lilith: I... like to lay with girls.
    Zed: [Intrigued and trying to sound seductive] Really, me too?
    Lilith: [Like she's explaining to a child] No, I like to have sex with other women!
    Zed: [Even more intrigued] Hmmm. We have something in common!
  • The subsequent cart chase when Abel's body is discovered... If you can call it a chase scene, with two large ox-drawn supply carts moving slower than a walking pace (which is too fast and nauseating for the primitive and technologically inexperienced Zed and Oh).
• When Zed and Oh are sold into slavery by Cain, they're reunited with their tribe, and Marlak is still pissed that Zed keeps talking to Maya.
  Marlak: Hey! Get away from my woman!
  Zed: For the last time, Marlak, she's not your woman! You can't own people!... Except for the guy who bought all of us; Apparently he can...
• When the two first arrive at Sodom, and are promptly arrested and grilled by the Guard Captain.
  Zed: [Under his breath] Why don't ya pick on someone your own size?
  Captain: What you say?!
  Zed: [Faux excited] Th-that I'd pay to see: You versus a guy your size! H-h-hehe-hehe... [Pained smile]
• The High Priest is an absolute riot in his Camp Gay mannerisms, and clear incompetence at his job.
  King: What do the entrails say?
  High Priest: [poking at a pile of sheep entrails] Uh, well... The liver is streaked with gray, which is not a good sign, but his poor rectum is absolutely pulverized, which is not unusual for a sheep in this region. The genitals are enormous... That's of no significance, I'm just commenting. Um, if you do look at this intestine, the large intestine is arranged in sort of an arc, and the two massive balls of the sheep are sort of like eyes; To me I see a happy face! And that makes me happy!
  King: What does it mean?
  High Priest: Well, it could mean a surprise visit from an former friend or sweetheart. Or, you're going on a long sea voyage. Can I come? I've never been on a boat!
  King: [dead serious] How did you become High Priest?!
  High Priest: ...I'm your brother-in-law.
  • When he enlists Oh, who is now a slave serving at the orgy, to give him an oil rub, revealing an enormous carpet of hair all over his front torso.
    Oh: W-with my hands?!
    High Priest: No, with your nut sack. Of course, with your hands!
• When Cain convinces the pair to join the city guard, they can't even stand in formation properly, to the chagrin of the drill sergeant.
  Sergeant: Get in line! Now... Present... ARMS!
  [All troops draw and salute swords with a shout in perfect unison, minus Zed and Oh.]
  Zed: [Struggles a bit, but gets his sword out and squawks a weird shout] Y-yaaah!
  Oh: [Looking hopelessly at his empty scabbard] I never got a sword! I only got the holder.
  [Drill Sergeant can only shake his head slack-jawed at the stupidity]
• When they watch their first virgin sacrifice, they can only question the logic of the ceremony, while another peasant explains why burning virgins is important like he's talking to a dumb kid.
  Zed: What do they need a virgin for?
  Man: To throw her into the fire- Are you new here?
  Zed: What? Why?!
  Man: [Getting frustrated] An offering to the Gods!
  Zed: You serious?!
  Man: [Trying to spell it out plainly] There's a famine going on. So, if we make a good enough sacrifice, then the Gods give us rain! You get rain, you get harvest. You get harvest, you get food! You know what food is right?! [Takes one look at the portly Zed]] Yeah, you know food.
  Oh: So they're gonna throw a virgin into the fire, so that it rains?
  Man: [Totally exasperated] Duuuuuuh! Come on! Even my kid knows this! [Aside to his kid] Hey, son, how do we get rain?
  Kid: [In a "well duh!" tone] Burn a virgin!
  Zed: Did I do something to offend you?
  Man: Wh- I- I come to get a great seat to see the sacrifice, and you're ruining it!
  [After the virgin is incinerated by the fire]
  Zed: [Cringing] I dunno. It seems like a waste of a perfectly good virgin.
  • Even before the burning, the High Priest selecting the virgin notices one out of place.
    High Priest: [Scanning a line of virgins, notices one who's looking extremely flirtatious] Oh please, if you're a virgin, then I'm a fuzzy little gerbil! Back to the whore house with you!
• Cain listing off Zed and Oh's crimes to the people of Sodom^* Basically anything ending with "ee" like Heresy or Bigotry. , some of which had nothing to do with anything in the film...
  Cain: Heresy, conspiracy, lechery, larceny... Puppetry... sodomy... oh sorry, refusal of sodomy... and the murder of my dear brother Abel.
  Zed: Oh come on!
  • When the stoning begins, Zed suggests that the eunuch should be the one to throw stones.
    Eunich: Oh! You think I can't throw?! [takes out one of testicles from his eunuch bag, and hits Oh with it]
    Cain: Oh that doesn't count, that was a testicle!
    High Priest: Did he just hurl his ball at him? Fascinating!
  • And when Zed suggests only letting a little kid do the throwing, he's a bit stronger than he looks, and he only targets Oh.
    Zed: Holy shit! That kid's got an arm!
    Oh: Ow! Hey, there's two of us!
• When Oh and Zed have been spared stoning, only to be enslaved and forced to build walls till they die. Oh, of course, gets the really hard work in addition to being regularly whipped by the slave driver.
  Oh: [gets whipped] I'd like to see how big you are without that whip!
  Slave Driver: [Drops whip, and raises arms in a Bring It gesture]
  Oh: [Beat] Same basic size.
• When Zed and Oh come upon Abraham readying to sacrifice Isaac
  Abraham: We were just playing a game alright? It's called...Burny, burny, cut, cut.''
  • Then when he tries to explain his actions.
    Abraham: I was not going to kill him, I was going to sacrifice him! There is a tremendous difference!
    Zed: Not to him I imagine!
• Later when Abraham explains how he's going to circumcise every male in the village to honor God, and Zed tries to talk him down logically.

  Zed: You know, Abe... Hehehe, It's been a long day and we've all had a lot to drink, but I know that this foreskin things sounds like a good idea now, but... You might wanna sleep on it! We could always cut it off in the morning! But if we cut it off now, there's... just no way to put it back on later!
  Abraham: No no, trust me, it's gonna have a very sleek look, it's gonna catch on! I'm gonna go get my good knife. [Walks off] Just wait right there, I'm gonna be back to cut your penises! Not the whole thing! Just- just the tip! Then we're all going to have wine and sponge cake!
  [Smash cut to Zed and Oh making a hasty retreat]
  Oh: You even know where we're going?
  Zed: Yup! We're going to Sodom! We've gotta rescue Maya and Eema!
  Oh: But God told him he was going to smite Sodom!
  Zed: Yeah! God also told him to chop off the end of his dick!
  Isaac: [Shrieking in the distance] Daaaaaaaaad! Noooo! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! No!