Funny / Wizarding School Mysteries

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It's a Denser and Wackier take on Wizarding School stories. What else can you expect?

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The Meddlesome Youths

• The last line of the copyright page:
  No meddling kids were harmed in the making of this book.

• Everything about Gernderf Dermberder. He's a supreme combination of hammy Bunny-Ears Lawyer and Pointy-Haired Boss, and on top of that, his name is how a person might pronounce two of the most famous pop-culture wizards' names if, and we quote Word of God on this one, one were to "stuff their cheeks full of marshmallows like some sort of human squirrel". NO ONE can take it seriously, regardless of their language.

• The AAAM was able to find the students through the prophecy-tellings of Professor Curdletongue...who is constantly raving about the future due to his eyes becoming bulbous and multi-colored like a slug infected by a very specific parasite. It's Nightmare Fuel when you think about it, but darkly hilarious otherwise.
  Curdletongue (tossing and turning on the floor): THE FUTURE!!! SIGHTS AND SOUNDS UNWINDING! THE INFINITE PROCESSION OF FATE! MY EYES BURNING, SEETHING! THE UNBEARABLE IMMENSITY OF-
  Dermberder (calmly): Yes, yes, Professor Curdletongue, we all give you our sincerest gratitude.

• Lord Dhenregirr at first appears to be a threatening ultra-powerful lich...but then he's revealed to be a Big Bad Wannabe that only Dermberder takes seriously. After an intimidating Dynamic Entry in front of the new students, a gargoyle drops from the ceiling and squashes him flat, causing a collective Jaw Drop from his skeleton minions. Dermberder has the gargoyle toss him off one of the towers while the skeletons can only shrug their shoulders and follow.
  • Later, Gretchen is able to fend the evil-doer off...with a goddamn broom. And even then, the extent of his villainy at that point was just painting "Lord Dhenregirr Rules" on the wall". To add insult to injury, Ivan's first question is "rules what?"

• The complete buffoonery that is Polybeus Antony's one-sided rivalry with James. All the latter can do is send him on a Snipe Hunt that he has to constantly amend to get him off his back. And Polybeus eats it all up.
  • During their second meeting, James hurriedly writes a reminder on his hand about the promised duel to calm him down. Once he's out of sight, he washes it off instantly.
  James: Braying jackass.

• Rodrigo ranting about the school uniforms, particularly his issues with how the pants end at the knees. James agrees that they look a lot like jester outfits, and notes that they come in two different color distinctions - white and blue stripes or blue and white stripes.
  • Ivan, meanwhile, adores the new outfits. Gretchen only got to keep her scarf because she threatened to turn one of the gargoyles into gravel if they took it away.

• Dermberder's lectures. His long, droning, insomnia-curing lectures. Every student can agree that it's an endurance test just being there. The main trio's hopes for the class pretty much wither and die the moment it becomes apparent that this is what to expect. By the first class' end, they're all barely awake.
  • Even worse, the dean admits that he may be getting stale, but because no one ever objects (as in, they don't have the courage to do so), he never changes it, and somehow sees this as a good thing. James can only utter a horrified "...oh" in response.
  • One of the few things we do hear from the first lecture is that Dermberder was born in a town called Pigsbladder. How charming.

• Ivan falling head over heels in love with Rodrigo upon seeing him for the first time while looking for James. As he talks to the Castalan noble, it's noted by the narration that he's speaking so nervously fast it would make race-hounds quit in envy.
  • Later, he tries to sound deep when describing blizzards...with minimal success.
  Ivan: They're beautiful and dangerous, like a...flower...that...spits...snakes?
  • Once that's over, he practically skips away in joy, not noticing James walking right past him. Cue Double Take.

• After formulating something resembling a plan with Ivan and Grechen, James walks off...and then promptly collapses from Sleep Deprivation.

• Margot chastising James for his reckless planning/sleep deprivation in true tsundere fashion.

• After Margot volunteers to beat Polybeus up for insulting Ivan, James politely asks if he can watch when it happens.

• James and Ivan going on what amounts to a joyride on a Flying Carpet the latter created while the girls just watch. Then the carpet turns sapient and goes berserk while they're riding it. How many stories do you know where such a carpet becomes a living predator?
  • Ivan speculates that it eats dust bunnies. It doesn't.

• Gretchen using Theory of Narrative Causality to point out how "this is absolutely safe" is just Tempting Fate after James does just that, followed by his indignant reaction.
  James: Alright, fine, we're mostly safe then! Fairly safe! Reasonably safe! Happy?

• The AAAM's lost-and-found manager, Astrae Bygonn, is a positively weird-looking beast that has No Indoor Voice...and meets James in a library. His introduction? "JAY-MESS CHA-OO-KER!"

• Margot immediately getting scandalous thoughts when James suggests looking at Schwaa's satchel in his dorm with her. Later, she seems rather disappointed that it won't happen.

• Rodrigo incredulously telling James that he cannot go to the Samhein festival because...he dresses too shabby.

• It's mostly awesome and heartwarming at once, but Polybeus starts the walk-out from Professor Evelina's class in a way that makes it clear he's just trying to ape James at the moment.
  Polybeus (stilted and unconvincingly): I'm angry about this too! Very put out!
  • Followed immediately by the other students leaving and saying similar things with varying amounts of insincerity ("Very bad things! Don't like it!", "So disappointed that what happened just now, uh, happened!"). Well, insincerity at first.

• The moment James and Margot are teleported into Dermberder's office by Oomlowt:
  Dermberder: WHO DARES CALL UPON - oh, it's you Oomlowt. To what do I owe the pleasure?
  • Later, the dean teleports Evelina for the students' inquiry. She immediately gets in his face about what might have happened if she wasn't decent at the moment.

• Rodrigo doing his best to get the others ready for the Samhain festival. When he asks the others how they introduce themselves:
  Ivan: Hi, I'm Ivan, nice to meet you!
  James: Indubitably, I, the magnanimous James Chaucer, have arrived at yon venue of merrymaking and wealth flauntery.
  Margot: Good tidings, I am Miss Margo d' Francane.
  Gretchen: Trick question. I don't introduce myself. Instead, I sneak in and find a wall to hide against until the whole thing is over.
  • When he asks Gretchen how she would do small talk:
  Gretchen: None of your damn business.
  Rodrigo (Through gritted teeth): Gretchen...
  Gretchen: ...Politely, that is none of your business?
  • When Rodrigo rightfully calls that out as the same statement and tells her that she needs to do it better:
  Gretchen: You are describing Hel! The bad afterlife for dull failures, where wyrms chew on your bones for all eternity until the world tree withers and dies! Hel is a high society party!
  Rodrigo: That's...not inaccurate.

• James refering to Bretonce and Francane royals as "jelly-boned blob babies" when discussing the Francobreton truce. Margot then says that the two countries go back to hating each other when their heirs can chew solid food again.

• When Rodrigo brings up that they'll have to talk with potentially many different princes at the ball:
  Gretchen: I won't I can't! It'll kill me!

• Gretchen is still not comforatble with small talk.
  Rodrigo: Oh, come now, it could be worse! Why, this could be a lecture by-
  (Cut to the next part of the chapter)
  Dermberder: 'Gernderf Dermberder! Gernderf Dermberder!' They chanted as the king bowed to give me his deepest respects.

• Dermberder frequently screwing up the names of James' friends, calling them Boris, Gertrude, and Margaret at one point.
  • During that same talk with James, he refers to Lord Dhenregirr as "coward, bully, cad, and thief"

• Upon realizing that she's Alone Among the Couples (fake couples, but still) for the ball, she says she'll find her own partner, stating, "How hard can it be?" Cue the literature equivalent of a Gilligan Cut.
  Gretchen: This is the hardest thing I've had to do in my life!

• While raging at his lack of progress with the Snipe Hunt James gave him, Polybeus stubs his toe so badly he spouts curses that are stated to be too foul to record in print.

• Margot quietly saying "Thank goodness" when James rejects the Foe Romantic Subtext she brought up about him and Polybeus.

• When a student blows themselves up, the gang grouses about the indignity of it all...and the hobgoblin from earlier suddenly pops up to say how ridiculous it is too. The others nod in agreement before doing a Double Take realizing their foe was right there before she runs off.
  • Later, when they confront her about brazenly showing up, her justification is that it was funny to her.
  • She then declares that she'll give the gang a clue to who her master is...through bad poetry! Everyone groans before she launches into a weird and slightly nonsensical song (that still manages to be a little helpful).

• Ivan absolutely reveling in his new dance suit, twirling around and marveling at Rodrigo's craft. James can only stare in bafflement at how the boy's pantaloons are far shorter than everyone else's. He outright calls them "hot pants" to Rodrigo, who's justification is... he's got legs.

• The gang coming up with fake titles for the ball, including James Chaucer duke of Doom, Margot the Burninator, King Dreadgore, and Lady Bloodboil.

• When one of the gargoyle bouncers asks for Margot and James name, he ends up calling James "Uh Sorry James Chaucer" based on the first thing he says. The other gargoyle rightfully calls him out on his stupidity. The gargoyle, Leroux, tries to defend himself by stating how dumb human names can be, like, of course, Gernderf Dermberder.

• How does one of the fairies react upon hearing that Gretchen and Serena met as roommates?
  Pixie (hushed and reverent): Oh my gods, they were roommates!

• When James wonders to the Autumn Prince why she's not a princess (this prince is female), the high elf talks about how undignified that sounds, mockingly wondering why they aren't just called princelings or hobprinces.

• After Margot finishes off Urgnak, James wonders why she didn't have any witty lines to go with it. The gang then starts coming up with amusing one-liners for her.
  Ivan: How about 'magic, schmagic!'
  Serena: Or! Or, 'This spell is called Fisticuffs!'
  Rodrigo: Maybe a classic 'You talk too much.' He was awfully chatty.
  Gretchen: How about 'Abra-ca-fuc-'
  Margot (flatly): Let's just move on.

• When Margot, Serena, and Polybeus attack the guards, said guards realize that a lot of their spells are useless against the intruders (spinning straw into gold, spoiling milk with a glance, making socks disappear).

• Rodrigo fuming over how tacky the Summer Prince's castle is. Then he learns from Ivan that they don't even have plumbing, something that he considers the only good thing Mediterra came up with.

• According to Polybeus, Heroes Prefer Swords, and he says this like it's the most obvious thing to Serena.

Tournament of Death

• During their search for Fafgander, Polybeus states that the Heroes of Antiquity stayed up late all the time, like Achilles when he famously remained in his tent during a battle. Ivan is more than a little skeptical at the thought that the hero just wanted to sleep in.
  • Later, he notices a horse standing in the open, and wonders out loud if it'll let him ride it despite everyone repeatedly telling him that it's a kelpie. He only figures it out when it suddenly talks to say that it's a real horse. Then it sets the boy off by calling him a coward, with Serena having to pull him away as he shouts that he'll hold onto his grudge forever.

• The town of Calampen, now a college town thanks to the AAAM, has the shopkeepers fight amongst each other trying to wring money out of the visiting wizards. In particular is the rivalry between Warlock Wally and cheapskate wizard Ross Weber. And then there's Demonbone, a monstrous being with No Indoor Voice who tries to get everyone's attention.
  • Later, they all show up at the very end of the semester for a sort of job fair. Demonbone is quick to promote ethical wages for his jobs in his own way.

• Serena's reaction to all the different shops in Calampen:
  Serena: Oh, my coin purse is about to suffer some heinous damage.

• Margot and Gretchen being utterly baffled by Serena whisking James away to check out shops, followed by Charlotte implicitly coming on to Polybeus while asking for him to come with her. The two practically sputter their way through saying that James and Serena are Just Friends, no doubt fearing for their not-so-hidden crushes being compromised.
  • Later, they catch Serena teasing James about who he has a crush on (while implying that she knows the answer), and immediately panic as to whether it's flirting or not.
  Margot: Gretchen, I was approaching six feet tall when I was twelve, and I periodically lit things on fire with my mind without meaning to. Anyone in my village who might have flirted with me was far too intimidated to even try. I have no idea what flirting is.
• Rodrigo comes out of shopping with a bycocket hat. Serena can't help laughing at what that name sounds like, going as far as to practically spell it out by calling it a bi-cock hat. Rodrigo catches on, and he can't help but smiling at that.
  • Really, how much of a Stealth Pun that joke is where Rodrigo is concerned.
• Every time Charlotte gets absolutely plastered from being a human for too long. You'd think she went on a complete bender when she starts slurring her words and trying to convince her friends she's fine. The first time has her implicitly puking on Polybeus while everyone else looks on in horror. James states that it's been a good trip, all things considered.
• Polybeus' first fight doesn't quite go as planned, even if he wins. He's nearly late for it, and when his opponent, Waldorf Brimli, taunts him, all he has is "your face is stupid". Then, just as Waldorf is preparing to strike, Polybeus ends the fight with a lightning bolt to the nads. It proves to be a Pyrrhic Victory in a sense, as he's stuck with the Atrocious Alias of Nutshot for a lot of the story.
• James' first opponent is Herring Lordred...who is literally just Lord Dhenregirr with a Paper-Thin Disguise consisting of a mustache, a pair of glasses, and, as James points out, a lazy anagram of his own name. Dhenregirr futilely tries to convince him otherwise while praising himself too.
• When the youths try to meet in the Phlegmatic study lounge, they instead find some security homunculi engaging in a Pathfinder-style RPG game.
  • The Melancholic lounge isn't any better, as it's occupied by Gretchen's rival Joan Tatau, who got on her case due to a disagreement regarding the validity of a book Gretchen claims tried to excuse a war.
  • The Sanguine lounge is empty, but it has clearly been used for wild parties, and Serena doesn't trust the stains all over the place.
• The fact that Geoffrey Travers, an older student in the AAAM whom James meets, is Jeff Bridges' The Dude in all but name, right down to being implicitly The Stoner and some of his phrases (The moon abides!).
  • Related to the above, Rodrigo's incredulous reactions to how his room is Bigger on the Inside.
• Margot playfully implying that she'll resurrect James and give him a mouthful if he dares to get killed in the tournament.
• At the beginning of their fight, Margot and Sarkani end up getting into a debate in regards to how dragon/human relationships would work after the latter brings up how her people have draconic heritage. It gets to the point where the Ruslovakian regrets bringing it up.
• After Miguel beats a wizard who looks just like a bear named Ursula Cobb, the youths end up pondering whether she was a were-bear or if a regular bear can just become a wizard just like that.
• Before it turns tragic, Polybeus and Gabriev's "fight" is a total wash, with the both of them spending more time apologizing and thinking about the best approach. One part in particular has them pin-balling the same wind magic back and forth from each other before they realize they aren't getting anywhere. Then, when Polybeus gains the upper hand...he promply falls face-first into the mud created by the storm Gabriev summoned.
• Margot accidentally knocking James into the wall of the elevator with a playful punch to the shoulder before apologizing profusely.
• Before Margot and Alys square off, Juno and Oomlowt show up on the former's side. While Oomlowt states that they'd never root against a fellow teacher, Juno innocently summons huge banners reading "Go Margot!" over their heads while he fakes surprise.
• Just the title of the eighth chapter, "A Needlessly Gendered Night Out".
• For the night out, Gretchen wears "something tight and form-fitting"...in the form of a suit of armor with her scarf and hat still hiding her face.
  • Polybeus' outfit is literally a toga, complete with nothing under the sheet.
• Apparently, there exists a translation of The Illiad of author Forr Kydd's creation that made Achilles and Patroclus into cousins instead of lovers. It's a pretty solid jab at 4Kids Entertainment.
• The boys nearly getting run over by Margot's chariot when the girls use it for a joyride to Calampen.
  • Polybeus is quick to notice that James saw Margot's Hell-Bent for Leather outfit. The narration confirms this, stating that his mind isn't quite tethered to the Earth anymore.
• "Fine, we'll drink water in moderation. LIKE MEN!"
• According to the short-tempered innkeeper of the Puff Dragon Inn, there was an incident in which a wizard brought all the brooms and mops to life. He had to cut them all down, and he can still hear the screams.
• As it turns out, tea is a form of Alien Catnip for faeries like Charlotte. Once she drinks some unexpectedly strong tea, she goes on what can only be described as a major sugar rush, bouncing from one game in the inn to another. Gretchen has to stop her before she gets her hands on the indoor mallet game.
  • This isn't done without reason either. Spiders can indeed get high off caffeine in real life. Why would Charlotte be any different?
• Right after Serena declares that the guys will soon be calling Margot's name, some comical Germanorean twins named Wiglaf and Wagner show up.
• After he talks with Richard at one of the taverns, James finds that Polybeus has a big red mark on his face. The big guy tells him with a heavy heart that he should never assume Bretonch girls don't know about the Heroes of Antiquity, and he should NEVER compare romantic ventures to that of Jason. James tries to provide comfort by saying he could have compared it to Oedipus.
• Charlotte once again getting tipsy and slurring her words after spending too much time away from Fairyland.
• Godfrey and Columbina take James out for a prank on the dean. The mission? Have Columbina produce a room's worth of balloons so that they end up crashing onto him. Sure enough, they do, and while they don't quite get the reaction they wanted (more slight irritation than anything), it is pretty amusing to see Dermberder try and save face in front of Heka by claiming that the balloons are actually magic orbs for them to ponder. And from what we can gleam, he plans on pondering all of them.
  • We also learn that clowns in Midgaheim are a form of half-demon. Yup, they're all a Monster Clown.
    • Related to that, when James talks about that with Margot, she brings up the Great Mime Incursion of Francane. Whatever happened, it clearly wasn't pretty.
• James being Distracted by the Sexy when he sees Margot without her coat, exposing her sleeveless tunic.
• Titania completely ditching her professionalism to gush over Sadie Pineed, Serena's opponent and her girlfriend. It gets to the point where she violently demands that there's foul play when Sadie loses.
• One of Richard's opponents is the Great Nyaa, a name that even baffles the commentators. Sure enough, he's a very cat-like wizard...who promptly gets blasted through the head by the saboteur's cursed lightning bolt.
• During the celebration of Margot's victory, she and James embrace, look each other in the eyes...and promptly start fretting over coming on to each other too fast, with James panicking that the moment is ruined. One Big Damn Kiss later, and the moment is saved.