Funny / We're No Angels

• Each of their explanations for how they wound up in prison is darkly hilarious.
  • Joseph:
    I had an air factory; we sold bottled air to those whose doctors advised a change in climate. We had three kinds: sea air; mountain air; and all-purpose air just for breathing.
  • Albert:
    Albert: I needed money, and my uncle wouldn't give me any.
    Isabelle: And they sent you to jail because you asked your uncle for money?
    Albert: No, it was the way I asked. At the trial it was established I hit him over the head fourteen times.
    Isabelle: How could you do it?!
    Albert: With a poker, mademoiselle.
  • Jules:
    Jules: Christmas has always been a special holiday for me. That's how I got in trouble; I came home unexpectedly one Christmas and found my wife giving a friend of mine a...present.
    Albert: Too bad; I'm sorry to hear that, Jules.
    Jules: It was my fault entirely; I should have written and told her I was coming.
  • Adolfe:
    Jules: We used to be watched over by a guard who was a very disagreeable fellow with a whip. One day he was shouting in a particularly nasty way, and there must have been a note in his voice which irritated Adolfe, because you know vipers are very musical reptiles; they're much more musical than people think. And anyway, the snake lost his patience, fell into the gap between the guard's collar and, I suppose it would be, the neck, and *sshhhhhwt*! It was a matter of seconds. It was also quite a favor. [Chuckles]
    Joseph: Yes, he was a much nicer guard after that.
    [Jules guffaws]
• After picking someone's pocket and getting only five francs, Jules remarks, "The new generation has no idea of thrift."
• Joseph is familiar with the Ducotel store as "the one who gives credit." (Later becomes Harsher in Hindsight when they realize this is the reason why the store is in so much trouble.)
• Poor Isabelle and her fainting spells...
  • After Isabelle's first faint, Joseph demands water; when Albert returns with a glass, they all take turns drinking from it.
  • Albert's claim that you're supposed to loosen a girl's clothing when she faints. Later, he is forced out of her room by Jules, exclaiming, "But you're supposed to when a girl faints!"
    • The joke gets a Call-Back much later in the film, to which Joseph insists that Arnaud, being a doctor, knows what he's doing.
  • The second time she faints is just from seeing Albert's face.
  • The way that everyone takes her third faint in stride.
    Albert: Must be her day for being unconscious!
    Jules: [Drolly] Where would you like her this time?
    Amelie: Same place.
    Jules: Same place.
• Joseph enthusiastically cons a completely bald man into buying a set of sterling silver combs he doesn't need.
  Man: But what'll I do with it?
  Joseph: [Mimes brushing his hair] Exercise! It'll be good for you! Besides, just leaving it around will fool everyone. Of course, you can leave it to your family some day.
  Man: I have no family...
  Joseph: Ah, that's just the point! Only the other day, I sold a duplicate set to a completely bald-headed man, and you should see him now.
  Man: What happened?
  Joseph: He died. But he died with beautiful bushy hair. I'll get your change. [Grabs money]
  • After Amelie realizes he's sold the set to a bald man, Joseph replies, "Well, we better hurry before he finds out!"
    Joseph: He was looking for a bedspread.
    Amelie: And you sold him a brush set?!
    Joseph: There wasn't any bedspread.
  • Later, he sells someone an undersized suitcoat with the same zeal, telling him he'd get a bigger coat from inventory and then simply waiting ten seconds before returning with the same coat.
    Joseph: Pull yourself in just a little...a little more...yes, that's better...no stomach at all! Stop breathing.
    • His justification is that "it fits perfectly so long as he doesn't put anything in his pockets or lean over."
• Jules' method of cracking locks is to feel for a pressure point...and then karate chop it. Instantly, the lock springs open.
• Their preparations for the Christmas Eve dinner, starting with this gem of dialogue:
  Joseph: You guys get everything ready; and I'll go buy a turkey.
  Jules: Did you say "buy?"
  Joseph: In honor of the season. Might take a little while; first, I have to steal the money.
  • Joseph returns with a live turkey stuffed down his shirt.
  • "We need some flowers." "...like in the Governor's Garden!" "And don't step on the grass!" "Of course not; what do you take me for, stepping on the grass?"
  • Felix remarks, upon seeing the full-sized tree that replaced the small one they had before, "Why, it's grown!"
• When Isabelle remarks that her pink apron looks good on Joseph, Jules agrees. Joseph is not amused.
• The various interactions the convicts have with the vile Andre.
  • Andre asks for fruit to eat, and Joseph gets him a pineapple without silverware. When asked how to eat it without a knife and fork, he replies curtly, "You eat it like an apple."
  Andre: Out of my way, you lout!
  Albert: You frighten me.
• Albert giving Isabelle pointers on how to seduce Paul.
  Albert: That bathrobe; you afraid of catching cold?
  Isabelle: What's the matter with my bathrobe?
  Albert: Well, to begin with, you can't see through it.
  Isabelle: Oh...oh.
  • During said seduction (failing miserably), Jules mutters, "What has become of France?"
• While plotting to kill Andre, Jules insists that everything be "legal." As such, they decide to have a "legal-type trial" to determine Andre's fate. The jury is a couple of parrots in a cage.
  Joseph: Court is now in session. Albert, you're prosecuting attorney. You [Jules] are attorney for the defense.
  Jules: [Disappointed groan]
  Joseph: The trial will proceed.
  Albert: Your honor, gentlemen of the jury: I demand a verdict of "guilty." If you don't give me a verdict of "guilty," I'll get a new jury!
  Joseph: Any objections are overruled. The court now recognizes the distinguished attorney for the defense.
  Jules: [Melodramatically] Your honor...gentlemen...of the jury...the defense...the defense...rests! [Normally] How's that for the defense?
  Joseph: Reminds me of my lawyer.
• The death of Andre makes Murder by Inaction an art form. When the convicts realize that his arrogance has played into their hand, they take their sweet time in "warning" him that there's a venomous snake in the cage he has just confiscated; they even cut cards, which leaves Joseph as the fellow who needs to go in and tell him. He slowly walks in, then slowly walks back out.
  Jules: Did you tell him?
  Joseph: He knows already.
• Paul's death, where they gloat amongst themselves while Adolfe's venom slowly takes effect.
  Paul: You men know anything about snakes on this island? I've just been bitten by a snake.
  Joseph: [Incredulously] ...a little snake? About this big?
  Paul: Yeah...
  Albert: All different colors, like a pretty bracelet?
  Paul: Uh-huh...
  Jules: You could hardly feel it, 'cause it was so quick?
  Paul: Yeah!
  [The convicts laugh and shake each other's hands]
  • When they realize how it happened (Paul was rifling through Andre's pocket, where Adolfe had been hiding all along), the convicts erupt into raucous laughter.
  • "In the immortal words of somebody-or-other...'Well done, Adolfe!'"
  • "He passed with a smile on his lips, and his last words were...'No credit.'"